On the Radar: Real Housewives Reunion Part I Part III

After the vast vapidity of Adrienne’s and Kyle’s imagined and silly slights, Andy veers off into the vapidity of the cost of stuff. During the compilation of crap, Taylor gets a moment on camera, so she smiles as if she’s having the time of her life. And she is. She is.

I know that some suggest that Lisa should not have revealed that she has a $30,000 dress. I disagree. If nobody had given a number, they would have noted that Kyle buys her mother-in-law used clothes from her aunty’s resale shop. The reason Kyle was advised to never talk about money is that they were the poor relations who couldn’t compete on a non-mall scale; the reason Adrienne was advised to never talk about money is that she had just spilled the revelation that her home-spa was worth several hundred thousand dollars, so again, she looks like a fool.

Okay, now to Taylor drama. She alleges that her husband would have murdered her and her child had he not committed suicide. Oh, she’s a monster. She gave Andy Cohen her “completely candid” speech, which was completely rehearsed and coached and revolting. She also appears to be wearing either a bicycle chain or a row of menthol cough drops around her neck and a dress that is too small for her. She ostentatiously calls her life “her process” and talks coyly about her psychiatrist who calls her and lets her text him and goes to parties with her.

Now Andy throws the Bravo football/sachet of legal responsibility to the Housewives themselves. They were right there during the whole build-up to the tragedy, and they did nothing to thwart the tragedy! Nothing! So, how do you feel? They chime in with hushed tones and renditions of shock and horror. Lisa became teary; Adrienne weighed in with her non-professional expertise as a non-expert. She also said that she always believed the show should be aired despite Russell’s suicide because it could shed light on domestic violence. Camille, who I’ve been not so thrilled about this episode because of the glittery, lizard eyes and the scoldy Lisa bad-shoe comment in the midst of what was obviously a calculated attack by the LessWives, spake great words when she spake that she believed the show should not have aired. She expressed concern about the extreme toll the show could take on Russell’s children and asserted that their well-being should have come before any other considerations. Camille is obviously a person in touch with her own children’s reality, which puts her leagues and leagues ahead of the MonsterLippedConwoman.

With a cunning little smile, Andy asked if Camille was worried about the show airing because she was the first to actively address the alleged abuse on camera with a sort of put-up or shut-up challenge at Lisa’s Tea Party. Camille denied that she had any culpability here (Camille was morally and ethically and even legally correct), and furthermore questioned Taylor’s decision to appear on the show in the first place if she was really locked in an abusive marriage. Taylor had given some random answer about cameras possibly taking the wind out of Russell’s sails and preventing him from being an ass or else possibly triggering their divorce, which makes no sense. Had Russell wanted to keep his life private and on his own terms, he would have forbidden Taylor from participation altogether. He also probably would have been more than a bit testy when she trash-talked their marriage in the first season by calling a business relationship or whatever.

Andy asked why Russell had agreed to be on the show; she answered with some gabbling evasion about how she possibly had loved him and that he was a sick, sick man with illusions of extreme popularity and a possible mental condition called narcissism which she heard about this time when Dr. Sophy let her listen to a video he made on the Top 10 Personality Disorders, a delightful singing and dancing tribute to “-chosis” that he made when he was first considering a career in reality television. Even the Mean Couch Potatoes had a difficult time assenting to this strange proclamation of love and reality television gibletted by Taylor; they were wringing their hands and squirming and averting their eyes.

Suddenly, Adrienne stepped to the fore with some co-dependent support blurb about how the show “saved” Taylor’s life because she, Adrienne, used to predict that if something didn’t change, someone was going to be “six feet under.” This cryptic statement makes me want to smack shoes around. Ugly shoes.

I still wonder whether many of the Taylor scenes were filmed after the fact.

Camille is going to make Taylor own up to the fact that it was Taylor who had spread the rumor of her own alleged abuse, discussed in publicly and privately and to anyone with a set of ears. She pooh-poohs the notion that Taylor tried to keep any part of her life private and she verbally smacks Taylor for accusing Camille of any wrongdoing that could have jeopardized either Taylor or her kid or influenced Russell’s feelings about anything. “Think about it,” she advises Taylor, with a knowing look. Taylor places her hand dramatically at her collarbone with her mouth open, which is to say that she is breathing. “Wha-?” she responds, using that business management prowess that has so impressed us all. Camille says that she did doubt Taylor’s stories of abuse, and she is sorry that Taylor went through anything, and Lisa says that she could never like Russell after listening to Taylor’s stories. The only abuse anyone ever saw was a curse-strewn text that Russell allegedly sent Taylor. Lisa saw it and was disgusted by it. Andy asked what it said, and Lisa hesitated. Taylor smiles encouragingly, she purrs, thrilled that Lisa the Rational has a story that will back up her tales, “Go ahead, it’s all out now.” Taylor sat up straight and nodded and nodded. She then says that she misses the abuse, in a pert Austin Scarlett kind of way that suggests she is talking about a choice of wearing the pearls or a pendant, not talking about being abused. Camille tosses in that Kelsey was controlling of her, and Taylor chimes in with such rehearsed lines about how women are in this situation that I knew she had been coached and coached and coached.

Now Andy asks whether Taylor saw the content of Russell’s email to Camille before it was sent. The email accused Camille of slander and threatened a lawsuit. Camille had responded by refusing to film with Taylor, and Kyle had refused to allow Russell and Taylor into her sheet-party. It is in Taylor’s best interest for everyone to believe that the email was news to her; she would have to change her original story, the one that made Russell look like a fiend. More to the point, it would have been extremely odd for Taylor to want to go to a party with people that she and her husband were considering suing. Adrienne tries to gently say that she believes Taylor did in fact know about the email, but adds the soothing balm that she was certain that Taylor went along with many unfortunate incidents to appease Russell and keep herself from being abused even more. Camille nods with satisfaction. Taylor states that she did appease Russell, but she absolutely did not know about the email before the Housewives told her about it at the party. She adds in some sad layers about how just on the eve of her 40^th birthday, Russell sent her a really mean email and then she lost her phone.

That doesn’t really explain why Taylor was so angry to be kicked out of the white party. I have watched and watched this scene, and it seems to me that Taylor was sailing in as if she thought she had the world on a string and her schemes were all going to plan. She was steering Russell like a toy monkey.

Taylor was not surprised by the revelation of the email. Not a bit. She was furious that the Housewives appeared to be taking Camille’s side over hers. She is seriously affronted, mad, and not at Russell. She eventually gets to the point where she is going to blame Russell, but that is after she realizes, in the limo, that not only has she been denied entrance to a party where filming is occurring, and where she no doubt will be the topic of much speculation and conversation, but the entire stretch of filming for the rest of the season in now in peril. If the Housewives won’t film with her, she has no place on the show, and with no place on the show, there’s no more chances to be on television.

So, here at the reunion, she claims to have texted her therapist, which she hopes will validate her claims. It really seems that she tries to toss in as many names as possible into the mix to validate her claims. Really, the fact that Russell may or may not have sent her a nasty text on her birthday has no bearing on whether she knew or not that Russell had threatened to sue Camille.

Adrienne says that Taylor was not as strong as her, which seems odd because Adrienne claims to have had 

her feelings hurt by a Tweet about her dog.

Oh, Bernie! Now we are going to talk about how Bernie the Dyed-Hair, Spray-Tanned Sheff doesn’t like Lisa. Bernie crabs and crabs about Lisa, and Adrienne chalks it up to “she’s heard Lisa tell Bernie that she doesn’t like his food,” and then changes it to “You said Mexican was too ethnic,” which is a backhanded means of trying to imply that Lisa is prejudiced against Mexicans and their cuisine, and then ends with, “Well, I heard from this person who says this person says.” Basically, folks, what happened here is that Bernie the Sheff knows his food is crap and that he wouldn’t be allowed to be a hat-check girl at any of Lisa’s restaurants, plus he really thinks Lisa’s Lying Houseguest Cedric is kinda hot and so they sit with their dyed-heads together and do each other’s nails and make up stories about Lisa. Because Adrienne is just so gosh-darned jealous of Lisa, she is perfectly willing to listen. Moreover, because Adrienne wants to look important and capable, she also promises to call Lisa out on this publicly. Adrienne looks like a fool, because she has no source for her accusations; she also looks like an ass because she has broken a cardinal rule of etiquette.

When you have a guest, you do everything in your power to ensure that your guest’s stay is a pleasant one. That includes every little bit between the invitation and the lingering memory. If you have a servant who is making you look like the worst hostess in the world, and you are allowing it to continue, you are, in fact, a classless loser. End of story. Your help is meant to smooth the path for you, not create hazards based on his or her particular needs for relevance and petty attention. He’s the help.  It makes you look bad to have such an indiscreet employee. He is not relevant. He is your help, a member of your staff. His opinion does not matter enough for you to look like an asshat for promoting it. And yes, by not firing him, you have promoted it.

Also, telling Lisa that she didn’t believe her or didn’t agree with her (about telling the truth) was pretty terrible.

Now to the next order of outrageousness. Adrienne accuses Lisa of selling stories to RadarOnline. Lisa is astonished. Adrienne is all squirmy in her seat, so existed is she to have this lightning-bolt to hurl at Lisa.  Lisa flatly denies this accusation, which she calls a character assassination and slander. At the word “slander,” Adrienne pipes down a bit; “slander” is a word used in lawsuits that could really have sticky implications later. But then she insists again that she believes it. Lisa wonders aloud why she would sell a story; she says that certainly she has spoken to RadarOnline, but she doesn’t need $100 or whatever they’d pay her. Adrienne looks at the other BadOnes for the okay to throw another chair, and with that approval, she says, “No, more like $25,000.” Which shows how stupid Adrienne is. RadarOnline puts out stories all day long. If the website paid $25,000 for each big tip, it wouldn’t be in business for long. RadarOnline, by the way, has come out and stated that they do not buy stories and had nbever bought a story from Lisa. Because Adrienne not only slandered Lisa, but she also slandered RadarOnline.

Lisa tells Adrienne very clearly that she is revolted and insulted and appalled by this horrible accusation; she is so obviously telling the truth and making Adrienne look like a foolish cow that Adrienne shuts the hell up. She finally shrugs and says, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Lisa will never trust Adrienne again; in fact, no one will ever trust Adrienne again. She tried to look like the Lady of the Manor with her rush to the fans in Sacramento, and that was a no go. She tried to look like the One Who Knows Stuff against Lisa, and that was a no go.

Adrienne skulks there in her flag-twirling costume, deflated. 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: First, My Musings about Taylor Armstrong

The ladies of Beverly Hills took to the couches in last night’s Reunion, Part 1. I’ve had a lot of difficulty mustering up any real zeal for the show this season; too much of it focused Taylor’s somewhat dubious claims about what happened in her marriage. Let me make myself clear – I don’t condone men hitting women. Actually, I don’t condone people hitting people in general. Or animals, for that matter. Taylor’s allegations, however, seem to be positioned as leverage which she uses to manipulate the other Housewives, the public, and perhaps even Andy Cohen. Andy seems to me to be far more scripted when he speaks to Taylor than he ever does with the other ladies.  Whether this is the result of exquisite legal coaching or simply painful awareness of the moment, I hate listening to him talk to her. Of course, I also hate listening to her talk, so perhaps the fact that my brain recognizes the possibility that Taylor might actually respond to questions triggers this Andy-Taylor sensitivity.

I don’t actually believe that Taylor was in the kind of abusive marriage she half-depicts in her vague tip-toeing around the issue. I do believe that Russell was aggressive. He may have hit her, though I am not entirely convinced by the black eye; the timing seems suspicious to me. He probably verbally abused her and called her names. They might have smacked each other around. I say each other because it also seems that Taylor is an aggressive person. She goes from hurt feeling to thrown-down at the drop of a hat. She screams and yells and talks trash and waves her arms and I would bet that if not held back, she’d also hit and kick and punch. Yeah, yeah – I know that he was accused of domestic violence in earlier marriages. I don’t necessarily believe that once an abuser, always an abuser, but I also don’t think that the possibility he hit her doesn’t mean that their marriage was not a two-sided beat-down. Troubled people attract other troubled people. His family and outsiders insist that Russell was completely mesmerized by Taylor and tried to please and impress her with ever-increasing spending and lavish gifts. By the time of the White Party, his credit cards had been suspended and he was in deep financial distress. I imagine that the impact of these circumstances made them both angry and desperate.

My take on the situation is that he was a perfection-seeking control freak and she is a manipulative, lying climber.

Too many of Taylor’s claims have already been refuted; her name (Shana Taylor), her relationship with Adrienne (not actually her daughter’s godmother), her family ties (not the Ford Motor Cars family), her career (now a professional victim with a small menu of sham companies, once a salesperson, never a management consultant), and her background (not an Oklahoma rancher’s daughter). Did she go to college? She claims to, but I can’t find any information about her degree or if she has one.

In addition, she is involved in a pretty nasty lawsuit that alleges that Russell misappropriated investor funds meant to capitalize a medical records company (MMRGlobal) for which he was the majority shareholder. An earlier legal settlement required the Armstrongs to repay the company $250,000 and divulge the names of anyone who purchased corporate stock from them. The company accuses the Armstrongs of breach-of-contract regarding the agreement. It further maintains that Taylor deposited money into a secret bank account in the Cook Islands that she and Russell named the Taylor Family Trust. The lawsuit further contends that Taylor’s claims of being without funds to repay the debt are without merit because of Taylor’s Bravo paycheck, Taylor’s book royalties and advances, Taylor’s earnings from her companies, Taylor’s fees for appearances, and Taylor’s gifts from corporate sponsors.

I believe it is extremely probable that Taylor Armstrong would make up or exaggerate stories of abuse to try to gain sympathy for her legal situation. When I first learned that Russell had committed suicide, I suggested that perhaps legal issues had arisen that were simply too much for him to handle. I also theorized that Taylor would amp up her claims of abuse to deflect any culpability she might have in the situation. All reports appear to indicate that Taylor was, in fact, involved in the diversion of funds. She will claim that she did what she had to in order to survive. Perhaps this is true. Perhaps it is not. No one will ever know the truth about abuse or anything else related to Russell’s private life, motives, or expectations. I doubt Taylor herself knows – she seems to be a person who can create new realties in her own mind to meet all exigencies.  

He had children. Even it her stories were completely on target, it seems cheap and tasteless to drag him through the mud. He’s dead. Positioning his body as the platform on which she’ll try to build her own relevance as quickly as possible reinforces my dislike of her. Yeah, go out and grab your quick cash and your instant fame, but realize that it will stunt any potential longevity you might have as a likeable pseudo-celebrity.

I must add that I thought it extremely interesting that she decided to leave him when the other Housewives refused to film with her. Was it a real blow to the face from Russell or just the blow-off from the ladies culminating in her exclusion from the Hawaii trip that prompted her to kick him out of the house? She certainly seemed in control of him when they were headed to Kyle’s horrible party. I couldn’t tell whether he was just a bit anti-social and weird or she was dominating him via blackmail. I still contend that Russell had no idea that Taylor was referring to her allegations of abuse when he talked about being “good.”

Reports this week state that Bravo may be called upon to testify or provide documentation about Taylor’s participation in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Maybe this will be the event that snaps the ties that bind Bravo and Taylor; getting wrapped up in yet another legal brouhaha spawned by a Housewife can’t be the best use of the network’s time or resources. While I can’t imagine that the other ladies would be called upon to testify, I suppose they could be deposed or even called to the stand to discuss compensation as a Housewife or what they’ve seen Taylor spend. I don’t know. It seems like a big ball of Christmas lights to unravel, and Taylor has always been a shallow yet wide plastic bowl of mind-numbingly boring misery. Certainly there are more interesting, less problematic potential Housewives in Beverly Hills.

My Take on the Reunion will be posted in a bit.