I was looking for answers when I tuned in last night to the Lost Footage episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. I got none.
So many times during the season, the characters - mostly Jill Zarin - said that if we saw the footage that was not aired this season, we would see them in a different light.
I saw them in the exact same light.
I didn't like Jill's jewelry shopping scene. It just reinforced all the things I didn't like about her book (see my Barnes & Noble review at http://my.barnesandnoble.com/communityportal/Review.aspx?page=Review&reviewid=1383327) - husbands buy jewelry that costs more than some people's houses and still we get to kvetch about not getting more jewelry. "I should have got married in July," says Jill when confronted with the idea of having her new Chopard watch be a birthday, anniversary and holiday gift. She did strong-arm her husband, the long-suffering Bobby, with the promise of You-Know-What if he would up the watch ante with a big necklace that was shaped like pop-tops from old beer cans, but with diamonds.
Pretty much everything Jill did made no news - she is Jill Zarin, a spoiled, petted housewife who stamps her feet when she doesn't get her way, or someone else gets fame and her own show, or when not everybody goes running over to her side of the Titanic so that she can a) tilt the boat her way to reach the last space on a lifeboat (after throwing out Alex and her two small children because, after all, they were never friends or b) throw you down into the sharks before she has to jump so that they won't be so hungry when she hits the water. And maybe the stumps that are all that are left of you will cushion her fall into the cold, cold, dark water.
Bethenny - poor Bethenny, deer in the headlights while Ramona and Alex told the stories of how hideous they became when they were pregnant. But every woman has to go through those kinds of stories or the stories from women who say they never looked bad or felt bad and the baby came out and they were right back to normal only better. Rite of passage.
Kelly was mean to make fun of Ramona while she was trying to learn to walk the runway. But Kelly has a hard time celebrating anybody else's joy. I also enjoyed the fact that when the designer said Kelly looked like an Olympic athlete, Kelly said somethung like, "too bad I don't have the brain of an Olympic athlete," which flummoxed everyone in the room.
I thought Jill was very rude to be such a clank-clunky mess while her daughter was trying to study. Perhaps Jill needs to buy a larger apartment so that there is a quiet office in which Ally can do her work, rather than just clinking and clanking and trying to look like she was important in her black wife-beater being all Kitchen Mom.
I just can't tell you how much I dislike that woman.
I thought Alex looked great on the runway. So she wasn't a professional model: that wasn't the point. The point was that the dress looked great on a Real Woman and the walk celebrated a Real Woman.
Kelly scared me during her workout thing. Her conversation is littered with snippets about how fun and light and fabulous Kelly is, so much so that she has Kelly World. Her conversation is also full of side jabs at whomever happens to be around. She jumps from one place to another as if all she is doing is taking it these one-liner Hallmark card things that she thinks must make her sound sophisticated or smart. She talked about Eric Ripert, no doubt to give credence to her argument that Bethenny is not a chef. She believes she has a great palate. She also said in her Talking Head that she looks exactly the same after a marathon that she does after getting ready to go to a party. Which is to say, she always looks pretty greasy and her hair is always a mess.
But as she kept yammering on and on, I kept wondering the same thing:
Is she having a bad reaction to Xanax? Or crack?
Bethenny's PETA billboard was pretty cool. I thought it was interesting that Jill and LuAnn couldn't be there - either not invited or too eaten up with jealousy...but certainly I would have liked to see the cameras on THEM at that moment so I could hear the horrible things they must have been saying.
Ramona's party was pretty tense. I thought Kelly looked actually kind of pretty for the first time - it was nice to see her out of the pillowcase dress she seems to be wearing all the damned time, which highlights her legs (which she obviously believes to be her best feature) but also broadens her shoulders and makes her neck look short.
Ramona was on a high of excitement and I do think that she snipped too much about the place cards. It was certainly rude that Jill tried to switch them around, but I would have let it fly. That's what rude people do at parties. I thought it was lame but funny how Jill said - well, you did that at my party at Saks. Such a nanny-nanny-boo-boo thing to say. Just let it go. Sit where you're told. It's not the damned bleachers in a football game.
Kelly's discussion of Ramona Chair was rude and weird. A party with place cards is a party with place cards. And no, dear - you follow the hostess' rules. What if you had decided to run screaming into the kitchen that nobody in there was a chef because you'd never heard of them? What if you decided to tell all the guests they looked like vampires?
I was glad to see LuAnn finally cop to the fact that it was rude for her to listen to conversations via speakerphone without making her presence known. The thing is that it was not just on Jill - LuAnn should have spoken up herself. So - let;'s make it clear: Jill and LuAnn were rude TWO TIMES. And the thing is that LuAnn and Jill were enjoying being mean together while listening to these conversations. There was no eureka moment after the fact that oh, perhaps we need to call to let her know we were listening to her together and making fun of her and we're sorry because it was so freakin' rude that nobody, not nobody, can take LuAnn seriously as a manners guru ever, ever again.
Over the river, apparently, the RHONJ are not the well-to-do women that they portray themselves to be. There are tax liens and judgments out the wazoo.
In addition to Teresa Guidice's declared bankrutpcy debt of about $11 million, Jacqueline's husband's business has apparently filed for involuntary bankruptcy. Also, Danielle has tax liens in the millions and even Carlyon has judgments against her. DIna's husband was sued for what seems like a paltry $12,500 or so. Elvira, the party planner who did Teresa's over-the-top and revolting housewarming party, and who weighed in heavily on people requiring help (drivers, nannies, chauffers, etc.), apparently has tax liens of about $300,000. Too bad she didn't spend any of that income on clothes for herself.
On a side note, Elvira had been hinting to everyone in town that Elvira was going to be the new housewife on the TV show, replacing Dina Manzo who left a few weeks ago. Andy Cohen begged to differ, telling her in a Tweet late last week that her 15 minutes are over.
Thanks for that!
Showing posts with label Real housewives of new york. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Real housewives of new york. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Real Housewives of New York: Gummy Bears and Tequila Shots Needed
The Real Housewives of New York marathon reunion special closed last night with a (lackluster bang). Bethenny was snarky, Sonya was real, LuAnn was fakey-gracious, Alex was taking no prisoners, Ramona was aggressive but not in a mean crappy way, Jill was a self-imagined victim and Kelly was re-writing history faster than several governments after World War II.
The gist of the show was that Kelly is pretending to believe that she was bullied, Jill is pretending to believe that everyone was mean to her, LuAnn is the New Barry White/Madonna/Fergie, and Bethenny is just over it all - enough so that she can afford to be the bigger person in areas that she might normally get ino the fray.
Blow-by-blow: Kelly, who had stomped off the stage in Hour 2, stomped back amid discussion about how she had been sent back to New York from the island with a producer. She heard this and skittered back to the couch so that no real facts about her exodus could be released and started back on her systematic bullying mantra. Her attitude was belligerent - she insinuated that Ramona had not been grateful enough that Kelly had put on her glasses to play photog, she again insisted that Bethenny wasn't a cook ("the chef was cooking, not Bethenny," she says), she again insisted that people must be jealous of her. She also came up with one good, obviously pre-scripted-by-her-media-consultant line about Pinot Grigio being Ramona's blood type. I know it's not a new line, but had I believed that Kelly had actually come up with it at that point in time, I would have had to toss out a kudo. Jill wanted people to know what a good line it was, so she said, "That was a good line," which makes me kinda think Jill fed it to her.
When Sonya tried to tell Kelly that Kelly had, in fact, been aggressive, Kelly accused Sonya of having been too drunk to accurately assess the situation. It was a really low blow, especially because Kelly was certainly throwing back her own shots. And even if Kelly had not been throwing back her own shots, it was a really rude thing to say. "You totally misjudged the situation because you're such a boozaholic."
Nobody could get through to Kelly, so they kind of left it behind. Bethenny's words were, "This isn't even fun."
I have to ask what the heck is Kelly wearing on her hand? Had she taken up falconing and accidentally shoved the poor bird up her cuff? Another PETA moment: I wear fur, I don't like animals to be abused, I have some dead ANIMAL up my sleeve.
Then they moved to the Jill/Island fiasco. I believe there's a lot that Jill is taking for granted in this situation. She has no desire to understand that the hwives were completely terrified of the Kelly situation - that for three days or whatever they'd been on edge, waiting for the next hailstorm of rage and craziness and the next and the next, and then when they got right to the toes-over side of the cliff and Sonya said, wait, there is something really, really wrong here and they were actually afraid that she'd become violent the entire night and they were afraid Kelly would have some sort of complete psychotic break that would be difficult or impossible to come back from and that she'd just left and they were finally able to breathe...
Yeah. Like that.
So to have Jill come in, pretending everything was hunky-dory and life was gummy bears and satchels of gold was just like the last drop of water on the head that puts a torture victim over the edge during water the old Chinese water torture. One drop too far.
I also don't understand why Jill hasn't edited her reasons for going to the island on the first place. "I wanted to talk to Bethenny before the holidays." First, talk about your ambush (remember, she said she felt ambushed when Bethenny showed up at Ramona's apartment to speak to her)! Second, what were the other ladies? Chopped liver? Basically, she wanted to be sure that in her holiday letter to her friends, she could write, "And after a tumultuous year, Bethenny and I have renewed our friendship and we are looking forward to pursuing additional fame and success as BFFs next year."
The problems with what Jill did have been discussed to death (by me as well as everyone else), but now with the finality of seeing exactly how Jill looks at it after months of self-examination, her actions become an even stranger attempt to cull attention and affection. She knew that Kelly had been in crisis, she knew there was drama, she had spoken to Ramona only the night before. So it was, and can only be defined as, TOTAL AMBUSH. There is no such thing as a happy surprise if not everyone in the room is going to like you being there.
Jill also said something that sounded like BS to me. This idea that she thought Kelly was going to be there, on the island, and the idea that she saw Kelly at the airport, didn't jive. If she saw Kelly at the airport, it would go without saying that Kelly was NOT going to be at Ramona's house. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and Jill also was trying to cover up the fact that she had seen Kelly at the airport. I think her consultants (who were off-camera) motioned to her and said, "don't lie."
A kind person would have called in advance - or just during the phone call of the previous evening - and said, "It sounds like things are a little anxious - I had been planning to stop by for lunch with my husband and a camera crew, but is this not a good time?"
Actually, I guess the camera crew was already there. I don't know if Jill had her own guy as well as the team already at the island house.
Jill and her four media consultants did a good job prepping Jill on pat, platitudinous apologies delivered in a flat, needs-an-acting-coach spurt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let's talk more about why I am sorry and by the way, Bethenny did you get my flowers and you look beautiful, by the way.
With the Sonya line that they "threw a friend out today," Jill said, "I got that message loud and clear." There was no protest, which annoyed her. She wanted to them to say, No, we wanted you, it was just situational.
But how about how mad Ramona was? Flouncing in front of Jill's face, so mad. And Jill throwing back, "and thanks for offering me and Bobby a glass of water." And then Ramona got up and just did the whole giant charismatic preacher act. It was a riot - an undignified riot.
The only person who Jill refused to argue with was Bethenny.
So, then Jill feels on the hot seat. Ramona isn't letting her get away with anything, and she can't argue with Bethenny because she wants everyone to think there's a chance of them making up. She doesn't know what to do with Sonya, and she also knows that Sonya is popular. So she doesn't dare tick the fans off by picking on her. So what does she do? She goes right back to her Regular Punching Bag, Alex.
"I think a lot of this was because of Alex," she said, or something like this. Alex gave short shrift to this line of reasoning, and Jill, who really had nothing concrete to say, backed right down. Alex doesn't care what Jill thinks, she's not going to be her doormat, and she's not going to let Jill paint her as a troublemaker. It's just like Jill not to say something like, "Oh, are you OK?" to Alex.
LuAnn was actually more likable in this episode than she has been all season. I am sure she took into account the fact that she got involved in too many dramas, because she kept saying that she doesn't get involved in too many dramas. I was happy to see the genuine emotion in her discussion about her divorce, and I am glad that your ex-husband doesn't actually hate-hate Jewish people (that was a hard question to sidestep, and it was classy of you not to say, "yes, well, he does" in much the way that Irish used to hate Italians because they thought they were one step up). You got your apologies from Ramona and Bethenny without doing that you have bad manners, darling act, and as a result, they were sincere apologies. Way to not dig in with the manners.
Kelly and her contradictions are disturbing, but Kelly is generally disturbing. Nothing new here. What was new was how Jill couldn't pass up the chance to yell "spread eagle" at Alex in an attempt to shame her about photos that were unearthed some time ago. See how much classier I am than Alex? Love me, love me, love me!
SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE!
Totally an unlovable thing to say, and so disappointing. And so, so, so vulgar. Even though everyone is rooting for Jill to have learned something that she can take into the rest of her life to make herself a better, more admirable person, her rage at Alex means no one can get over it. It's Jill, she always needs an enemy, and that's the way it is. It's no holds barred for Jill's enemies, and Jill always crosses the line. And the fans definitely draw the line and don't like to see their boundaries crossed.
At the end, Andy asked all the hwives if they would come back, and nobody closed the door, really, except Bethenny, who really doesn't need it. Of course, she will see how things go with her show (I actually liked the second episode better, now that we are getting to know some things about some of her co-reality-stars). The one who did a kind of weird manipulative thing was Jill, who wants to be cajoled and begged to come back. She just doesn't know - it was the hardest thing of her life.
Lemme tell you - not harder than sitting home having nobody pay attention. She dumped Alex in the grease, and said probably she would not come back, because of Alex. In other words, to get me, you'd have to get rid of Alex. Which would be a stupid mistake. I don't think Alex hates Jill, but Jill saying that made me hate Jill. I was just repulsed. It completely erased any doubt I had about who Jill Zarin is.
The much-discussed hug at the end: no big deal. Bethenny didn't bother to get up, so the movement forward was all on the part of Jill. Bethenny didn't want it, she didn't need it, but her life is good and she wasn't going to be rude and say no, you freak, don't hug me. She just doesn't care. While Jill said, I'm sorry, I miss you, that's not bullshit, I really miss you, Bethenny just said over and over, I know. Not, me too, and it will be fine. Just I know.
Can't wait to see what's in the leftover clips on the floor episode next week.
The gist of the show was that Kelly is pretending to believe that she was bullied, Jill is pretending to believe that everyone was mean to her, LuAnn is the New Barry White/Madonna/Fergie, and Bethenny is just over it all - enough so that she can afford to be the bigger person in areas that she might normally get ino the fray.
Blow-by-blow: Kelly, who had stomped off the stage in Hour 2, stomped back amid discussion about how she had been sent back to New York from the island with a producer. She heard this and skittered back to the couch so that no real facts about her exodus could be released and started back on her systematic bullying mantra. Her attitude was belligerent - she insinuated that Ramona had not been grateful enough that Kelly had put on her glasses to play photog, she again insisted that Bethenny wasn't a cook ("the chef was cooking, not Bethenny," she says), she again insisted that people must be jealous of her. She also came up with one good, obviously pre-scripted-by-her-media-consultant line about Pinot Grigio being Ramona's blood type. I know it's not a new line, but had I believed that Kelly had actually come up with it at that point in time, I would have had to toss out a kudo. Jill wanted people to know what a good line it was, so she said, "That was a good line," which makes me kinda think Jill fed it to her.
When Sonya tried to tell Kelly that Kelly had, in fact, been aggressive, Kelly accused Sonya of having been too drunk to accurately assess the situation. It was a really low blow, especially because Kelly was certainly throwing back her own shots. And even if Kelly had not been throwing back her own shots, it was a really rude thing to say. "You totally misjudged the situation because you're such a boozaholic."
Nobody could get through to Kelly, so they kind of left it behind. Bethenny's words were, "This isn't even fun."
I have to ask what the heck is Kelly wearing on her hand? Had she taken up falconing and accidentally shoved the poor bird up her cuff? Another PETA moment: I wear fur, I don't like animals to be abused, I have some dead ANIMAL up my sleeve.
Then they moved to the Jill/Island fiasco. I believe there's a lot that Jill is taking for granted in this situation. She has no desire to understand that the hwives were completely terrified of the Kelly situation - that for three days or whatever they'd been on edge, waiting for the next hailstorm of rage and craziness and the next and the next, and then when they got right to the toes-over side of the cliff and Sonya said, wait, there is something really, really wrong here and they were actually afraid that she'd become violent the entire night and they were afraid Kelly would have some sort of complete psychotic break that would be difficult or impossible to come back from and that she'd just left and they were finally able to breathe...
Yeah. Like that.
So to have Jill come in, pretending everything was hunky-dory and life was gummy bears and satchels of gold was just like the last drop of water on the head that puts a torture victim over the edge during water the old Chinese water torture. One drop too far.
I also don't understand why Jill hasn't edited her reasons for going to the island on the first place. "I wanted to talk to Bethenny before the holidays." First, talk about your ambush (remember, she said she felt ambushed when Bethenny showed up at Ramona's apartment to speak to her)! Second, what were the other ladies? Chopped liver? Basically, she wanted to be sure that in her holiday letter to her friends, she could write, "And after a tumultuous year, Bethenny and I have renewed our friendship and we are looking forward to pursuing additional fame and success as BFFs next year."
The problems with what Jill did have been discussed to death (by me as well as everyone else), but now with the finality of seeing exactly how Jill looks at it after months of self-examination, her actions become an even stranger attempt to cull attention and affection. She knew that Kelly had been in crisis, she knew there was drama, she had spoken to Ramona only the night before. So it was, and can only be defined as, TOTAL AMBUSH. There is no such thing as a happy surprise if not everyone in the room is going to like you being there.
Jill also said something that sounded like BS to me. This idea that she thought Kelly was going to be there, on the island, and the idea that she saw Kelly at the airport, didn't jive. If she saw Kelly at the airport, it would go without saying that Kelly was NOT going to be at Ramona's house. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and Jill also was trying to cover up the fact that she had seen Kelly at the airport. I think her consultants (who were off-camera) motioned to her and said, "don't lie."
A kind person would have called in advance - or just during the phone call of the previous evening - and said, "It sounds like things are a little anxious - I had been planning to stop by for lunch with my husband and a camera crew, but is this not a good time?"
Actually, I guess the camera crew was already there. I don't know if Jill had her own guy as well as the team already at the island house.
Jill and her four media consultants did a good job prepping Jill on pat, platitudinous apologies delivered in a flat, needs-an-acting-coach spurt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let's talk more about why I am sorry and by the way, Bethenny did you get my flowers and you look beautiful, by the way.
With the Sonya line that they "threw a friend out today," Jill said, "I got that message loud and clear." There was no protest, which annoyed her. She wanted to them to say, No, we wanted you, it was just situational.
But how about how mad Ramona was? Flouncing in front of Jill's face, so mad. And Jill throwing back, "and thanks for offering me and Bobby a glass of water." And then Ramona got up and just did the whole giant charismatic preacher act. It was a riot - an undignified riot.
The only person who Jill refused to argue with was Bethenny.
So, then Jill feels on the hot seat. Ramona isn't letting her get away with anything, and she can't argue with Bethenny because she wants everyone to think there's a chance of them making up. She doesn't know what to do with Sonya, and she also knows that Sonya is popular. So she doesn't dare tick the fans off by picking on her. So what does she do? She goes right back to her Regular Punching Bag, Alex.
"I think a lot of this was because of Alex," she said, or something like this. Alex gave short shrift to this line of reasoning, and Jill, who really had nothing concrete to say, backed right down. Alex doesn't care what Jill thinks, she's not going to be her doormat, and she's not going to let Jill paint her as a troublemaker. It's just like Jill not to say something like, "Oh, are you OK?" to Alex.
LuAnn was actually more likable in this episode than she has been all season. I am sure she took into account the fact that she got involved in too many dramas, because she kept saying that she doesn't get involved in too many dramas. I was happy to see the genuine emotion in her discussion about her divorce, and I am glad that your ex-husband doesn't actually hate-hate Jewish people (that was a hard question to sidestep, and it was classy of you not to say, "yes, well, he does" in much the way that Irish used to hate Italians because they thought they were one step up). You got your apologies from Ramona and Bethenny without doing that you have bad manners, darling act, and as a result, they were sincere apologies. Way to not dig in with the manners.
Kelly and her contradictions are disturbing, but Kelly is generally disturbing. Nothing new here. What was new was how Jill couldn't pass up the chance to yell "spread eagle" at Alex in an attempt to shame her about photos that were unearthed some time ago. See how much classier I am than Alex? Love me, love me, love me!
SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE!
Totally an unlovable thing to say, and so disappointing. And so, so, so vulgar. Even though everyone is rooting for Jill to have learned something that she can take into the rest of her life to make herself a better, more admirable person, her rage at Alex means no one can get over it. It's Jill, she always needs an enemy, and that's the way it is. It's no holds barred for Jill's enemies, and Jill always crosses the line. And the fans definitely draw the line and don't like to see their boundaries crossed.
At the end, Andy asked all the hwives if they would come back, and nobody closed the door, really, except Bethenny, who really doesn't need it. Of course, she will see how things go with her show (I actually liked the second episode better, now that we are getting to know some things about some of her co-reality-stars). The one who did a kind of weird manipulative thing was Jill, who wants to be cajoled and begged to come back. She just doesn't know - it was the hardest thing of her life.
Lemme tell you - not harder than sitting home having nobody pay attention. She dumped Alex in the grease, and said probably she would not come back, because of Alex. In other words, to get me, you'd have to get rid of Alex. Which would be a stupid mistake. I don't think Alex hates Jill, but Jill saying that made me hate Jill. I was just repulsed. It completely erased any doubt I had about who Jill Zarin is.
The much-discussed hug at the end: no big deal. Bethenny didn't bother to get up, so the movement forward was all on the part of Jill. Bethenny didn't want it, she didn't need it, but her life is good and she wasn't going to be rude and say no, you freak, don't hug me. She just doesn't care. While Jill said, I'm sorry, I miss you, that's not bullshit, I really miss you, Bethenny just said over and over, I know. Not, me too, and it will be fine. Just I know.
Can't wait to see what's in the leftover clips on the floor episode next week.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Finale of RHONY - Jacques and Jill, PLus Jill's Weird Popeye the Sailor-man Life Mantra
The major thing I took away from last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York is that I really, really, really dislike Jill Zarin. Did I mention how much I dislike Jill Zarin? By the way, I really dislike Jill Zarin.
Everyone else on the show - Kelly included - seemed to be trying to put their best feet forward.
Jill believed she was also being a grand and gracious lady. However, the thing that will always come to my mind when I think of Jill Zarin and how much I dislike her is that when Alex tried to go say something to Jill at Ramona's Wedding II (because Alex is an honestly good person who blew her stack at Jill for a litany of well-deserved reasons, but Alex is also a decent person who would rather eat a little crow and do the right thing than ignore the fact that she hurt someone - even someone who deserved it as much as Jill), Jill put her hands up and rudely tottered away in her too-tight, too-short dress and too-tight shoes.
I have to say that the gilding has rubbed off this lily. First season, Jill was a tubby little Jewish housewife, the younger and petted spouse of a guy with some money and a business, and she seemed to enjoy the nice things that were in her life but not rely on them as props. She shopped, she bought often bad dresses and occasionally good dresses, she made much of her daughter and tried to embrace people when they were feeling sad or beaten.
Now, of course, Jill's true colors are out and anyone who is sad or beaten is fair game for Jill and her posse of followers, because in Jill's mind she is so important that anyone feeling beaten or sad should feel triply so, because Jill agrees with all the reasons it is so.
Over the last two seasons, Jill has worked overtime to try to reinvent herself as a true socialite (rather than just an occasional party-attender and eat-outer) and style-setter. Two problems here: Jill doesn't have the selflessness to do non-self-aggrandizing charity, and she doesn't have particularly good taste. As evidence on the taste part, I point out her circus of an apartment - the worst-ever issue of Traditional Home. Too, too much - no editing eye, no skill at creating (or approving, since I think it was her dog-walker/pal/vague colleague who did the actual design) flow for the eye or little jewels for the eye to light upon in its journey around the room.
Jill also lost a lot of weight and got her arms toned, had her hair done and learned to sit up straight as well. Of course, when you read about how Jill lost weight, she loses points. She ordered a big plate of food, ate half of it, and then spilled her glass of beverage all over the remainder of the food. The waiters and their difficulty in bringing her sloshing plate back to the kitchen be damned! The idea of ordering a half-portion wrapped for later or donating food to people who would be glad to eat it even with her Nehi Orange spilled over the top...
There was some surgery - reduction, maybe? And something in the face - or just some good old-fashioned Botox. One of my favorite moments from the season remains the time that Alex was chairing her Brooklyn fashion party and asked Ramona, Kelly and Luann to walk the runway - but NOT JILL.
Jill said something along the lines, "Oh, what good choices. Kelly and Luann were models, although of course, I am a size 0 (or 2, I can't remember the exact size) and Luann is certainly not that small a size anymore." In other words: pick me, pick me, pick me!
Of course, she didn't get picked, and for this, more than anything else, Jill cannot forgive Alex. Oh, the outburst was uncomfortable, but really, not choosing the beautiful Jill Zarin - stylesetter, tastemaker, size 0 - was the true wedgie in the whole salad of vengeance.
All that shine has lost its luster. At last night's finale, Jill looked heavy and her skin looked sallow and almost dirty (a light mist of spray tan, maybe?). Her lips looked thin, her nose looked long and her hair looked stringy and frizzy at the same time. The black outfit she wore in her talking head segments made her look wide, and the pink outfit she wore to LuAnn's CD party was a) way too young and b) way too tight. Her gut actually looked like maybe there was a life-preserver or a six-foot sub in there for emergencies. The dress she wore to Ramona's renewal ceremony was too tight and too short (yes, I know I've already said this, but here it is again) and looked, frankly, like something she borrowed out of her daughter's closet before getting her Gina Lollobrigida hairdo.
Which I believe means that Jill is a little depressed.
And who wouldn't be depressed? She lost her BFF Bethenny, Alex called her a "mean girl," Ramona kicked her off a whole island, and people are all over the world are telling her what a witch she is.
And then last night, two friends whose opinions she says she values, plus Sonja, a new voice whose opinion should be considered as well (because that's a lot of people saying the same thing) told Jill that she needs to do a lot of changing. And Jill's answer: Well, I can't change. I am who I am.
Gee, thanks, Popeye the Sailor-man.
And so Jill should get ready for a lot of solo nights on her questionable new sofa with a can of Pringles and a good Pinot grigio.
Because the things that people don't like about Jill are things they not only don't like: they are things they will no longer countenance. This includes betrayal, backstabbing, judging, criticizing, and being a good, old-fashioned General Categories Bitch.
Jill's first sad move of the evening was when she tottered into Le Cirque for her very public let's-put-things-to-rest luncheon with Bethenny. After months of skewering Bethenny to all and sundry, Jill realizes that she has backed the wrong horse and no matter how insanely jealous she is about Bethenny's amazing life successes, it would be better to walk alongside that parade float waving to the crowd than be on the sidelines having some toddler throwing popcorn or dripping Popsicles down her back. And perhaps, just perhaps, if she plays this right, Bethenny will allow Jill to ride on the parade float and Jill will take her rightful place in the heavens - perfectly poised to knock Bethenny off that high horse should the opportunity arise or even merely take over briefly if for any reason Bethenny is unable to fulfill her duties...
So Jill sets forth this not-terribly-gracious agenda: 1) asking Bethenny to forgive Jill because Jill felt so hurt by Bethenny's imagined sins and ambushed by Bethenny's attempt to reconcile and 2) understand that while Jill's behavior all along has been beyond reproach, if Bethenny took something out of context and felt hurt, Jill is being the bigger person and rising above it all, and certainly Bethenny can see that for herself, because if she doesn't, Bethenny is just not the thoughtful and considerate person Jill believes she could be if she has Jill in her life.
Despite Jill's constant lifting-of-her-napkin to her watering eyes (and once to her nose), Bethenny remains steadfast. She wells up once or twice, but she is not thinking with loving memory about her erstwhile friendship with Jill Zarin; instead, Bethenny is thinking about the months and months of sheer and utter hell she went through at the hands of this woman, how this betrayal pained her, and how hard it was to put it behind her.
So after laying out her Friendship Renewal Plan to Bethenny, Jill waits with baited breath to see how fast Bethenny is going to hug her, sob, sob, it's all over, thank God, I missed you, giving Jill the chance to say, sob, I missed you, too, can you believe that dope LuAnn is doing a record and she thinks she can sing and can you believe Ramona is renewing her vows at this weird random seventeen years and how strange is that and blah blah blah blah.
Instead, Jill gets her turn to be surprised when Bethenny agreeably calls their separation a divorce and adds that divorce is hard. She looks completely together and not at all broken up when she says this. Because, I reiterate, for Bethenny, the worst pain happened all those months ago when Jill was bad-mouthing Bethenny to all and sundry, assuming that everyone would rush to Team Jill.
So they leave and it's all good for Bethenny, but Jill is hanging onto the simple facts that Bethenny didn't throw cherry tomatoes at her and call her a ho-bag as possible evidence that she and Bethenny will soon be summering in the Hamptons, shopping at Bendels, and jawing for long talky sessions about babies, life, and the other Housewives. Maybe Jill will even get to be Matron of Honor and Godmother!
Round 2: Sonja tells Jill and LuAnn to zip it about the Island thing. This is at LuAnn's CD party, to which she has brought not the cheesy blond Court but rather the sloppy brown Jacques, who was lucky enough to steal a tweed jacket circa 1978 from a passing hobo on his way into the big do. LuAnn is beside herself, kissing this guy over and over and over and over and over again, with a big smile on her face that is at times giddy, at times maternal. Jill is in her too-tight pink tube dress, and she starts to moan about getting kicked off the island, and LuAnn - who has just kissed a guy so many times on national television that it is possible she was trying to suck chicken out of his teeth - starts in with the manners of the situation. Sonja starts to intervene in defense of Ramona, and LuAnn talks louder and faster. Sonja tries again, and LuAnn again tries to out talk Sonja. So Sonja says, "Please let me talk and quit talking over me and by the way, you weren't there," and LuAnn realizes she's being rude which won't look good for book sales and lets Sonja point out that Jill had declined the invitation, that Jill knew there was tension and drama on the trip from her constant iPhoning of Kelly, and that Ramona had spoken to Jill just the night before Jill made her big entrance on St. Johns and that if Jill had planned to come, she should have broached the idea then rather than springing it on everybody as a big fait accompli.
Basically, Sonja told Jill to quit belly-aching and acting like a victim, because she wasn't a victim.
Amazingly, Kelly stayed quiet throughout this scene, even when Sonja somewhat tactlessly - but not maliciously - said that the St. Johns party had just started to get good after Kelly left and things got back to normal. Good for Kelly. She was trying to think what to say, and wisely stayed silent. She looked far smarter and much less crazy this way.
Round 3: Just before Ramona's Wedding II, Jill surprises Ramona in her palatial suite of rooms at the Pierre. Surprise! she says, cattily. Ramona says, oh, I like this surprise and hugs Jill. Jill lets Ramona know how hurt she was by the whole island thing (Jill and Kelly persist in calling it Poison Island, which is really not very nice for tourism and really is about themselves - frankly, New York could be considered poison island with them on it) but that they've been friends for 15 years and she would never miss Ramona's big day (even if she has been making fun or Ramona's big day non-stop since first she heard the news). Ramona says she loves Jill, but she says that Jill needs to start thinking about things from the point-of-view of other people sometimes, and Jill basically doesn't want to hear this, so she slinks out of the room in disgrace, her Big Moment of Forgiveness toward Ramona having been upstaged by advice about Jill's Own Behavior.
Down to the ballroom where the guests are being served champagne and NO APPETIZERS. Jill, LuAnn and the new one who is super-boring but runs some sort of eventy business are appalled at the lack of appetizers and the fact that guests are being plied with beverages before the ceremony, which will make the other guests drunk. Then they get an eyeful of the woman who is the party planner (who has been standing there having to listen to these joy-sucks denigrate the whole party) and the Party Planning Housewife says, "Would you let her plan your event?"
Meaning, I guess, that she's a little on the chubby and bottle-blonde side, I guess, and maybe her pantsuit was not super-super. But still - how unprofessional for one member of an industry to say that about another member of the same industry, especially standing just two feet from the recipient of your insult. I especially love the extra-classy touch when Eventy Housewife (her name isn't even on the Web site) says that everybody has an opinion and everybody has an "asshole" (thanks for the heads-up and crassness, and thanks even more for demonstrating what an asshole actually looks like with your forefinger and thumb - super helpful and way elegant!).
Gotta add that the hot-chocolate-skating party didn't look all that hot at all to me. I've done lots of kids' parties - because I have kids - and lots of big parties and events, and to my very experienced eyes, you really ought not to have been dissing any party planner. Because it was unprofessional, it was rude, and you don't look that swell, either, babe.
The ceremony starts after Avery gets her way about not carrying the flowers and the dog, and everything is a little hallmarky but obviously very precious to all concerned and everybody looked beautiful. Just prior to the arrival of the guests of honor/wedding party, Jill notes that the chairs placed on either side of the aisle make it look like the two "teams" are separated, which is a particularly un-lovely and divisive remark to make (also, Sonja looked annoyed to have been put in the position of being on any team). Way to keep it classy, Jill! Passing out T-shirts just before the ceremony to let everyone know exactly how popular you are would have been just slightly less icky. Maybe they could say Team Jill on the front and Zarin Fabrics on the back, and you could write them off as marketing materials!
After the ceremony, everybody sort of wraps up their feelings about stuff with each other. Bethenny, obviously in the final stages of any regret over the loss of Jill Zarin in her life, breaks down and tells Ramona and Alex, somewhat awkwardly but with obviously a full heart and the best wishes, that she never knew how very wonderful they are (because Jill told her they weren't all that great) and she is so grateful for them and their support during the last few difficult months.
Jill finishes with LuAnn, the Party Wench, Sonja, Ramona, and then moves to Bethenny. I hope we'll be besties, she says to the Golden Girl with the World Dangling from a Smart Hermes Strap on her Wrist. "You'd have to change a lot," replies Bethenny, to which Jill gets a look on her face like she's just licked moldy bread because this was not in her mind-script and says, "I'm not perfect, I am human, I am who I am."
Really? Again? Getting life advice from Popeye the Sailor-man???
As an aside, I don't know what Simon meant when he called his kilty ensemble half-man/half-skirt, but people say stupid stuff at parties, especially when there are no appetizers before the ceremony. Right, Jill? Almost as bad an an e-vite! I like Simon and think he is a kind person who certainly makes things interesting. Also, his blog is hi-lar-i-ous!
So the party is in full swing and everyone is having a grand time and Alex decides to try to put the Crow Suit on and tell Jill she is sorry. Jill, however, always needs someone to have as an enemy. Did you notice that as soon as Alex unleashed her full fury on Jill, Jill backed off of Bethenny? It's so tiring to have to hate two whole people at one time! So she puts her chubby little hands up, backs away as if Alex had tried to actually touch her back and says, "I'm not doing this."
Jill! That is not how a lady behaves. What you do is you smile at Alex, say I'm glad we could both be here for Ramona tonight, what a lovely ceremony, and if Alex wants to discuss anything more and you don't want to, say, "I'd be so interested in hearing what you have to say, but my head is swimming from all the excitement tonight. Let's plan to do it another time." And then hug, peck, walk away. Take that manners lesson, Countess!
Because cutting Alex dead at your friend's party is simply rude and makes you look - again - like a spoiled brat. You are not a victim! You are a manipulator! Take some responsibility for your childish antics and start using your feeble powers to help someone with better powers do good.
Can't wait for next week's reunion, whilst dreading it as well.
Everyone else on the show - Kelly included - seemed to be trying to put their best feet forward.
Jill believed she was also being a grand and gracious lady. However, the thing that will always come to my mind when I think of Jill Zarin and how much I dislike her is that when Alex tried to go say something to Jill at Ramona's Wedding II (because Alex is an honestly good person who blew her stack at Jill for a litany of well-deserved reasons, but Alex is also a decent person who would rather eat a little crow and do the right thing than ignore the fact that she hurt someone - even someone who deserved it as much as Jill), Jill put her hands up and rudely tottered away in her too-tight, too-short dress and too-tight shoes.
I have to say that the gilding has rubbed off this lily. First season, Jill was a tubby little Jewish housewife, the younger and petted spouse of a guy with some money and a business, and she seemed to enjoy the nice things that were in her life but not rely on them as props. She shopped, she bought often bad dresses and occasionally good dresses, she made much of her daughter and tried to embrace people when they were feeling sad or beaten.
Now, of course, Jill's true colors are out and anyone who is sad or beaten is fair game for Jill and her posse of followers, because in Jill's mind she is so important that anyone feeling beaten or sad should feel triply so, because Jill agrees with all the reasons it is so.
Over the last two seasons, Jill has worked overtime to try to reinvent herself as a true socialite (rather than just an occasional party-attender and eat-outer) and style-setter. Two problems here: Jill doesn't have the selflessness to do non-self-aggrandizing charity, and she doesn't have particularly good taste. As evidence on the taste part, I point out her circus of an apartment - the worst-ever issue of Traditional Home. Too, too much - no editing eye, no skill at creating (or approving, since I think it was her dog-walker/pal/vague colleague who did the actual design) flow for the eye or little jewels for the eye to light upon in its journey around the room.
Jill also lost a lot of weight and got her arms toned, had her hair done and learned to sit up straight as well. Of course, when you read about how Jill lost weight, she loses points. She ordered a big plate of food, ate half of it, and then spilled her glass of beverage all over the remainder of the food. The waiters and their difficulty in bringing her sloshing plate back to the kitchen be damned! The idea of ordering a half-portion wrapped for later or donating food to people who would be glad to eat it even with her Nehi Orange spilled over the top...
There was some surgery - reduction, maybe? And something in the face - or just some good old-fashioned Botox. One of my favorite moments from the season remains the time that Alex was chairing her Brooklyn fashion party and asked Ramona, Kelly and Luann to walk the runway - but NOT JILL.
Jill said something along the lines, "Oh, what good choices. Kelly and Luann were models, although of course, I am a size 0 (or 2, I can't remember the exact size) and Luann is certainly not that small a size anymore." In other words: pick me, pick me, pick me!
Of course, she didn't get picked, and for this, more than anything else, Jill cannot forgive Alex. Oh, the outburst was uncomfortable, but really, not choosing the beautiful Jill Zarin - stylesetter, tastemaker, size 0 - was the true wedgie in the whole salad of vengeance.
All that shine has lost its luster. At last night's finale, Jill looked heavy and her skin looked sallow and almost dirty (a light mist of spray tan, maybe?). Her lips looked thin, her nose looked long and her hair looked stringy and frizzy at the same time. The black outfit she wore in her talking head segments made her look wide, and the pink outfit she wore to LuAnn's CD party was a) way too young and b) way too tight. Her gut actually looked like maybe there was a life-preserver or a six-foot sub in there for emergencies. The dress she wore to Ramona's renewal ceremony was too tight and too short (yes, I know I've already said this, but here it is again) and looked, frankly, like something she borrowed out of her daughter's closet before getting her Gina Lollobrigida hairdo.
Which I believe means that Jill is a little depressed.
And who wouldn't be depressed? She lost her BFF Bethenny, Alex called her a "mean girl," Ramona kicked her off a whole island, and people are all over the world are telling her what a witch she is.
And then last night, two friends whose opinions she says she values, plus Sonja, a new voice whose opinion should be considered as well (because that's a lot of people saying the same thing) told Jill that she needs to do a lot of changing. And Jill's answer: Well, I can't change. I am who I am.
Gee, thanks, Popeye the Sailor-man.
And so Jill should get ready for a lot of solo nights on her questionable new sofa with a can of Pringles and a good Pinot grigio.
Because the things that people don't like about Jill are things they not only don't like: they are things they will no longer countenance. This includes betrayal, backstabbing, judging, criticizing, and being a good, old-fashioned General Categories Bitch.
Jill's first sad move of the evening was when she tottered into Le Cirque for her very public let's-put-things-to-rest luncheon with Bethenny. After months of skewering Bethenny to all and sundry, Jill realizes that she has backed the wrong horse and no matter how insanely jealous she is about Bethenny's amazing life successes, it would be better to walk alongside that parade float waving to the crowd than be on the sidelines having some toddler throwing popcorn or dripping Popsicles down her back. And perhaps, just perhaps, if she plays this right, Bethenny will allow Jill to ride on the parade float and Jill will take her rightful place in the heavens - perfectly poised to knock Bethenny off that high horse should the opportunity arise or even merely take over briefly if for any reason Bethenny is unable to fulfill her duties...
So Jill sets forth this not-terribly-gracious agenda: 1) asking Bethenny to forgive Jill because Jill felt so hurt by Bethenny's imagined sins and ambushed by Bethenny's attempt to reconcile and 2) understand that while Jill's behavior all along has been beyond reproach, if Bethenny took something out of context and felt hurt, Jill is being the bigger person and rising above it all, and certainly Bethenny can see that for herself, because if she doesn't, Bethenny is just not the thoughtful and considerate person Jill believes she could be if she has Jill in her life.
Despite Jill's constant lifting-of-her-napkin to her watering eyes (and once to her nose), Bethenny remains steadfast. She wells up once or twice, but she is not thinking with loving memory about her erstwhile friendship with Jill Zarin; instead, Bethenny is thinking about the months and months of sheer and utter hell she went through at the hands of this woman, how this betrayal pained her, and how hard it was to put it behind her.
So after laying out her Friendship Renewal Plan to Bethenny, Jill waits with baited breath to see how fast Bethenny is going to hug her, sob, sob, it's all over, thank God, I missed you, giving Jill the chance to say, sob, I missed you, too, can you believe that dope LuAnn is doing a record and she thinks she can sing and can you believe Ramona is renewing her vows at this weird random seventeen years and how strange is that and blah blah blah blah.
Instead, Jill gets her turn to be surprised when Bethenny agreeably calls their separation a divorce and adds that divorce is hard. She looks completely together and not at all broken up when she says this. Because, I reiterate, for Bethenny, the worst pain happened all those months ago when Jill was bad-mouthing Bethenny to all and sundry, assuming that everyone would rush to Team Jill.
So they leave and it's all good for Bethenny, but Jill is hanging onto the simple facts that Bethenny didn't throw cherry tomatoes at her and call her a ho-bag as possible evidence that she and Bethenny will soon be summering in the Hamptons, shopping at Bendels, and jawing for long talky sessions about babies, life, and the other Housewives. Maybe Jill will even get to be Matron of Honor and Godmother!
Round 2: Sonja tells Jill and LuAnn to zip it about the Island thing. This is at LuAnn's CD party, to which she has brought not the cheesy blond Court but rather the sloppy brown Jacques, who was lucky enough to steal a tweed jacket circa 1978 from a passing hobo on his way into the big do. LuAnn is beside herself, kissing this guy over and over and over and over and over again, with a big smile on her face that is at times giddy, at times maternal. Jill is in her too-tight pink tube dress, and she starts to moan about getting kicked off the island, and LuAnn - who has just kissed a guy so many times on national television that it is possible she was trying to suck chicken out of his teeth - starts in with the manners of the situation. Sonja starts to intervene in defense of Ramona, and LuAnn talks louder and faster. Sonja tries again, and LuAnn again tries to out talk Sonja. So Sonja says, "Please let me talk and quit talking over me and by the way, you weren't there," and LuAnn realizes she's being rude which won't look good for book sales and lets Sonja point out that Jill had declined the invitation, that Jill knew there was tension and drama on the trip from her constant iPhoning of Kelly, and that Ramona had spoken to Jill just the night before Jill made her big entrance on St. Johns and that if Jill had planned to come, she should have broached the idea then rather than springing it on everybody as a big fait accompli.
Basically, Sonja told Jill to quit belly-aching and acting like a victim, because she wasn't a victim.
Amazingly, Kelly stayed quiet throughout this scene, even when Sonja somewhat tactlessly - but not maliciously - said that the St. Johns party had just started to get good after Kelly left and things got back to normal. Good for Kelly. She was trying to think what to say, and wisely stayed silent. She looked far smarter and much less crazy this way.
Round 3: Just before Ramona's Wedding II, Jill surprises Ramona in her palatial suite of rooms at the Pierre. Surprise! she says, cattily. Ramona says, oh, I like this surprise and hugs Jill. Jill lets Ramona know how hurt she was by the whole island thing (Jill and Kelly persist in calling it Poison Island, which is really not very nice for tourism and really is about themselves - frankly, New York could be considered poison island with them on it) but that they've been friends for 15 years and she would never miss Ramona's big day (even if she has been making fun or Ramona's big day non-stop since first she heard the news). Ramona says she loves Jill, but she says that Jill needs to start thinking about things from the point-of-view of other people sometimes, and Jill basically doesn't want to hear this, so she slinks out of the room in disgrace, her Big Moment of Forgiveness toward Ramona having been upstaged by advice about Jill's Own Behavior.
Down to the ballroom where the guests are being served champagne and NO APPETIZERS. Jill, LuAnn and the new one who is super-boring but runs some sort of eventy business are appalled at the lack of appetizers and the fact that guests are being plied with beverages before the ceremony, which will make the other guests drunk. Then they get an eyeful of the woman who is the party planner (who has been standing there having to listen to these joy-sucks denigrate the whole party) and the Party Planning Housewife says, "Would you let her plan your event?"
Meaning, I guess, that she's a little on the chubby and bottle-blonde side, I guess, and maybe her pantsuit was not super-super. But still - how unprofessional for one member of an industry to say that about another member of the same industry, especially standing just two feet from the recipient of your insult. I especially love the extra-classy touch when Eventy Housewife (her name isn't even on the Web site) says that everybody has an opinion and everybody has an "asshole" (thanks for the heads-up and crassness, and thanks even more for demonstrating what an asshole actually looks like with your forefinger and thumb - super helpful and way elegant!).
Gotta add that the hot-chocolate-skating party didn't look all that hot at all to me. I've done lots of kids' parties - because I have kids - and lots of big parties and events, and to my very experienced eyes, you really ought not to have been dissing any party planner. Because it was unprofessional, it was rude, and you don't look that swell, either, babe.
The ceremony starts after Avery gets her way about not carrying the flowers and the dog, and everything is a little hallmarky but obviously very precious to all concerned and everybody looked beautiful. Just prior to the arrival of the guests of honor/wedding party, Jill notes that the chairs placed on either side of the aisle make it look like the two "teams" are separated, which is a particularly un-lovely and divisive remark to make (also, Sonja looked annoyed to have been put in the position of being on any team). Way to keep it classy, Jill! Passing out T-shirts just before the ceremony to let everyone know exactly how popular you are would have been just slightly less icky. Maybe they could say Team Jill on the front and Zarin Fabrics on the back, and you could write them off as marketing materials!
After the ceremony, everybody sort of wraps up their feelings about stuff with each other. Bethenny, obviously in the final stages of any regret over the loss of Jill Zarin in her life, breaks down and tells Ramona and Alex, somewhat awkwardly but with obviously a full heart and the best wishes, that she never knew how very wonderful they are (because Jill told her they weren't all that great) and she is so grateful for them and their support during the last few difficult months.
Jill finishes with LuAnn, the Party Wench, Sonja, Ramona, and then moves to Bethenny. I hope we'll be besties, she says to the Golden Girl with the World Dangling from a Smart Hermes Strap on her Wrist. "You'd have to change a lot," replies Bethenny, to which Jill gets a look on her face like she's just licked moldy bread because this was not in her mind-script and says, "I'm not perfect, I am human, I am who I am."
Really? Again? Getting life advice from Popeye the Sailor-man???
As an aside, I don't know what Simon meant when he called his kilty ensemble half-man/half-skirt, but people say stupid stuff at parties, especially when there are no appetizers before the ceremony. Right, Jill? Almost as bad an an e-vite! I like Simon and think he is a kind person who certainly makes things interesting. Also, his blog is hi-lar-i-ous!
So the party is in full swing and everyone is having a grand time and Alex decides to try to put the Crow Suit on and tell Jill she is sorry. Jill, however, always needs someone to have as an enemy. Did you notice that as soon as Alex unleashed her full fury on Jill, Jill backed off of Bethenny? It's so tiring to have to hate two whole people at one time! So she puts her chubby little hands up, backs away as if Alex had tried to actually touch her back and says, "I'm not doing this."
Jill! That is not how a lady behaves. What you do is you smile at Alex, say I'm glad we could both be here for Ramona tonight, what a lovely ceremony, and if Alex wants to discuss anything more and you don't want to, say, "I'd be so interested in hearing what you have to say, but my head is swimming from all the excitement tonight. Let's plan to do it another time." And then hug, peck, walk away. Take that manners lesson, Countess!
Because cutting Alex dead at your friend's party is simply rude and makes you look - again - like a spoiled brat. You are not a victim! You are a manipulator! Take some responsibility for your childish antics and start using your feeble powers to help someone with better powers do good.
Can't wait for next week's reunion, whilst dreading it as well.
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