Reunion: It's Not Kyle's Mom, Folks - Just Kyle

As the scene opens on this season’s reunion, Adrienne is busy setting herself up as the One Who Is the Advocate. She advocates rehab, and her position side-by-side on the right couch with Taylor indicates she is also going to advocate domestic abuse victims. Even more importantly, she is going to advocate victims of EPS, a horrendous disease striking people throughout the nation but particularly virulent in Los Angeles, New York, Dallas, and Miami. Excessive Plastic Surgery triggers various facial malformations such as squinty eyes, clownishly puffed-up cheeks, pursiness of the lips, and “orangefication” of the skin. A long-time victim of EPS, Adrienne is too brave to ask for help, but please give. Please.

The ladies, as they sit on the couches greeting Andy, have their personas at the ready. Camille, apparently, plans to continue with her measured, genteel behavior of the past season. She will be graciously modulated at all times, forthright when she believes it is necessary to defend herself from blame, posture-perfect, and well-spoken. Directly beside her is Lisa, dressed in a British-y blue dress and bejeweled with fabulosity. She is not orange, she is not taut and puffed. She is a lady – a lady with a biting sense of humor, but a lady nonetheless. She speaks her mind, but I always have the feeling that she understands the importance of the quality of humility.

Jump to the other couch. Kyle, in a dress that may actually fit her as opposed to being four sizes too small, but since she’s a bit schloopy anyway, it really doesn’t matter. Kyle is no Camille. She’s not even a Dana. She has that Crystal Gayle hair that she swings around like a prop from Cher’s old variety show, and she has that long Hilton nose that she looks down by holding her head wayyyyy back. She does not have naturally good posture, so she perches on the edge of her seat and clutches her knees for dear life.

Beside her is Terrible Taylor the Tortured Terror of Tragedy with Toddler Temperament. Taylor has outfitted herself with what she must believe is a Courageous Face. Her expression and carriage is meant to convey, “Yes, I have been through a terrible tragedy, but I am strong and brave and I will get through this and hopefully make a shitload of money by selling this new version of myself to as many people as are stupid enough to buy it. Because there are always stupid people in the world. I have always relied on the kindness and foolish actions of stupid people. In the meantime, I am still working out and trying to keep up appearances, because it is more fun to go to parties if drunken people still find me attractive. And they do, oh yes. They do.” Chin trembles, then she winks at camera.

On the far end, in her old flag-twirler marching-band uniform from the great old days when she went to school with girls who were cheerleaders for the Bedrock High School Boulders, back when she desperately wished that her classmate Barney Rubble would look at her once, just once, is Adrienne. As I mentioned above, Adrienne has shouldered the burden of advocacy and what she hopes is a reasonable tone that will merit respect and admiration for her Goodness in All Things.

After some strange discussion about Lisa’s badonkadonk (a slight misstep by Camille, who repeated the word one too many times), we go from large and extravagant buttocks to large and extravagant weddings. Andy prods Lisa to give up the cost, which she doesn’t – and explains beautifully why she won’t – and then asks about the tiara.

That tiara! I have to admit being a little taken aback by the tiara. I also was not a fan of the back view of Lisa’s dress at the wedding, though I think she’s fabulous in a unique and sweet and girly yet classy way. The tiara was something that Pandora gave her mother, and Lisa wore it, and Kyle and Adrienne used Andy’s question to get in a few digs that they pretended were compliments. Lisa, however, was not fooled by their sticky-sweetness, and when Adrienne tittered, “Once a princess, always a princess,” Lisa gave her such a look of disapproval you could actually hear the air poofing from Adrienne’s various air-discharging chambers as she deflated. Oh, poo! Strike one!

You see, this reunion is so obviously a calculated attack on Lisa that you can all but see the scorecards floating in the air above Kyle and Adrienne’s heads, suspended aloft on hair spray fumes and seeping microscopic strands of the bovine collagen dermal filler emitting from the pores of their scalps. You can see the wine-strewn lunch, planned well in advance with a dry yet chewy spread from Adrienne’s chef Bernie, in which Adrienne – acting as the voice of reason – taps her pink Crayola against the page in her Paul Frank notebook and says, “We have to do this. We have to show her that we aren’t going to stand for this kind of abuse anymore.”

By “abuse,” Adrienne means a word that she has heard before on this show. It is the equivalent of the New York Housewives latching on to the word “bullying” a few seasons back. When Taylor says the word “abuse,” she means something that may or may not have happened to her, but which she is going to say happened to her because when you embrace a career, it’s important to really throw yourself into it completely. When Adrienne says the word “abuse,” she means that Lisa has become way more popular than her this season and Lisa had better realize that Adrienne wanted to be the popular one, the one with the rumors of her own show, the one who always won the Watch What Happens Live polls. Sadly, because Lisa didn’t abide by these basic tenets of Adrienne’s anti-abuse platform, she is going to make sure that Lisa pays by convincing the sundry lesser members to join her in a little skeletal army siege. This was, of course, Kyle’s idea, because Kyle is the instigator. But for now, Adrienne thinks it was her own idea, and she is delighted with the way things might go since there is a tacit agreement to attack Lisa and not attack each other. In this case, the safety and power sought by the Right-hand, Stage-Left Couch is the stuff of bullies and cowards.  

Lisa has moved from the house across the street from the Maloofs to new digs, and Kyle of course is stirring the pot. Kyle is a pot-stirrer, a shit-stirrer, a banker of information who doles out high-interest loans in order to have people curtsey to her with gratitude and invite her sorry never-been-self to parties. Adrienne, who is not the brightest bulb in the overblown chandelier store, would probably not even consider being mad if Kyle had not craftily inserted a little seed of indignation, which grew like a nuclear fish in the dermal-filler-plugged neurons of Adrienne’s brain into full-fledged, barely-controlled rage. What is Adrienne mad about? She answers, “Remarks that may have been misconstrued.” By which she means Lisa’s remarks that she personally misconstrued. Some stupid dog war on Twitter in which people were taking sides for Lisa’s dog or Adrienne’s dog, starting with inane remarks about how Lisa’s dog was not so great. Somebody hurled, “Team Jackpot!” and Lisa responded, “Oh, Crackpot,” or whatever. It was hurtful to Adrienne, apparently, that Lisa rhymed the word “Jackpot,” which is her dog’s name, with “Crackpot.” The dog is like her child, she says, which may be true except for the fact that Jackpot the Dog sometimes appears on the show as a member of the family.

In addition, Adrienne is mad about the Maloof Hoof and the Planet Hollywood Party.

The Planet Hollywood Party is, of course, Pandora’s bachelorette party, which was held in the Planet Hollywood Casino and Grill owned by Lisa’s insanely rich friend Mohammed. There were strippers a la Chippendales and naughty chair dances, and Taylor got to go, too, because Lisa was trying to soothe her after a Tea Party outburst of weird tears and shrieking. Taylor shrieked here, too, because there were men in tight pants and chairs and grinding and frankly, Taylor likes this kind of thing. She tried to pretend she didn’t like it, because Lisa was there, and she wanted to look classy, but she couldn’t conceal her glee.

Adrienne was not at the Planet Hollywood Party because she was hurt, hurt, hurt that Lisa had not asked her to host the bachelorette party at Adrienne’s own personal Den of Gambling. At the time, she gave the excuse that she was so hurt because she always hosts parties like this, which means, naturally, that she was upset that another casino got publicity. Which, naturally, is ridiculous, because Adrienne threw a Planet Hollywood anti-party in which Camille and Brandi fadoozled on the dance floor. She got plenty of airtime for her place, and we’re not even talking about how Adrienne wore a tacky souvenir visor with the place’s name on it for like a whole episode of the show in her own house that has a roof and thus no direct sunlight. Lisa has already pointed out repeatedly that Mohammed gave the party as a gift to Pandora, who by the way invited her mother to join her on camera and insisted that she come despite Lisa’s protests that mothers-of-the-bride as a rule don’t go to bachelorette parties. Lisa also explained the very basic rule of etiquette that commands that one simply doesn’t ask friends to host parties for them. Had Adrienne wanted to give Pandora a party, she really should have just offered to throw another event. It’s a non-story, a manufactured slight. I am certain that Adrienne goes to restaurants other than the ones owned by Lisa, even when she’s on-camera.

When Lisa kindly explained that Pandora had planned her own bachelorette party, in a way that would preserve Adrienne’s money-reaching dignity, Adrienne basically called her a liar. “I find that difficult to believe,” she says. Exasperated by the bratty behavior, Lisa ended the discussion by saying that Pandora didn’t want to have her party at Adrienne’s place. Clearly, Lisa didn’t want to go there, but she would have no peace until she stated the obvious.

The “Maloof Hoof” refers to the shoe line that Adrienne is apparently copying from other shoe designers and Disney mouse cartoons, except for her unique idea of a signature rhinestone glue-gunned onto the sole. She has worked so hard to get here, she complains, that she can’t believe that Lisa would say something to undermine her efforts. Here I must add that Adrienne did not work so hard to get here. Anyone can start a shoe line as long as they have the start-up cash to fund it, a sketch pad, and a cobbler or third-world factory contacts. Adrienne has that start-up cash; she got it from her wealthy family, which is where she got the rest of her money. Adrienne never toiled in a garret in a Paris slum designing shoes for an evil shoe-lord who deprived her of food and hot water; Adrienne never worked her way up a ladder at a design house learning the trade and the business and then venturing forth on her own with a handful of hard-earned cash and lessons.

Wearing pretend eyeglasses and nodding in agreement with a pencil in your hand does not make you a businesswoman.

When Adrienne had her ill-conceived fashion show to introduce her shoe line, complete with long garments that covered the shoes and rendered them invisible, Lisa made the throw-off comment, “Watch out Maloof Hoof. Here comes the VanderPump.” This was a witty little aside that was a take on her own name, and used a word that rhymed with Maloof. It was not an attempt to demoralize Adrienne and keep people from ever wanting to buy her shoes. It was making fun of Lisa’s own name! If Adrienne actually thinks that people wouldn’t buy her shoes because of Lisa’s comment, she clearly has not looked closely at any of her shoes. The shoes are the reason nobody would buy those shoes.

Adrienne has this self-aggrandizing wound to nurse, and she is nursing it mightily. She tried to make a joke – what if I called your restaurant Villa Blanca (tee-hee) “Villa Caca”? Nobody laughed at this, especially Kyle, who I can’t help but suspect either originally coined this worthless gem or was at least present at its conception because even though she was off-camera, you could see her tense up. Literally, you could see it, because Adrienne took a quick glance and shut the hell up. Because there is nothing any normal person could say to someone who thinks a poop joke is a reasonable argument to validate hurt feelings, Lisa did not respond, forcing Adrienne to fill the vacuum of silence with more desperate maloofings. Camille annoyingly stepped in to validate Adrienne by saying she thought the comment was mean, and Lisa’s patience ran out – she called the Maloof Hoof a “little, fat shoe.” It was a low blow, but when people get ganged up on, they often tend to strike back.

Kyle jumps in and complains about Lisa’s “condescending” comments about how Kyle likes attention. This comment by Lisa, by the way, was made in reference to Kyle’s constant decision to do the splits at parties. On tables. Where people rest their drinks, food, elbows. Revolting behavior. The Beverly Hills Housewives equivalent of “show your tits” for Mardi Gras beads. Kyle does need attention. She craves it like some people crave bread or alcohol or expensive bed linens. She wants it and that’s why she keeps her hair so long. Without the hair, who would notice Kyle in Beverly Hills? When a woman does the splits in any venue that is not a gymnastics meet, drill team performance, cheerleading event, strip dance, or gynecological examination, it is for attention. Let’s not get confused here.   

Lisa sidesteps Kyle’s maneuver and parries admirably. She asserts that it was hurtful when she heard Kyle telling Taylor that Lisa “preyed on the weak.” Kyle shrugs this off with a flick of her NuvaRing Birth Control earrings and said, no, it doesn’t matter what I said because you made the comment about me in retaliation for what I said. My head hit the wall here; Kyle just excused her own shitty comment by pointing out that she was the first of the two to have made a shitty comment about the other? Huh? Kyle was really getting going here. She was really scared and her pupils got all dilated and she had to smooth her hair back about 17 times. Her speech speeded way up and she kept telling Lisa to be honest. “Be honest, Lisa, be honest.” This is, of course, an attempt to attack Lisa’s credibility as the show’s Voice of Reason. Camille’s eyes were strangely glittering at this point, and I wondered, was Camille at the bash-Lisa strategy meeting, too? Adrienne sat with her mouth open, hoping that this would all crush Lisa.

Kyle makes another attempt to justify her shitty comment by saying that the reason she said that Lisa preys on the weak was not about Lisa. Which is such a stupid argument that you have to wonder whether Kyle was locked in an airline dog kennel for most of her childhood being forced to educate herself via ABC After-School Specials on a television in the next room. I made a rude comment about you in order to rile Taylor up but really, since the comment was really just about me asserting my authority over Taylor, your name was just collateral damage,  Lisa. Taylor started to speak, and Kyle shut her up tidily with a smack to the hand and kept digging her own grave. She starts talking about how Taylor was so beaten down by her tragic alleged beatings that Kyle needed to tell her not to be scared of Lisa. Saying that Lisa preys on the weak was just another way of saying that Taylor needs to speak up for herself. This was about propping up our poor, tragic friend. It was also about egging Taylor on so that she would scream at you and ruin your tea party, Kyle neglects to add.

This whole rude comment thing is really nothing, though, Kyle insists, because she and Lisa are really good friends. “In order to be friends with you, you have to be a strong person. I believe that. I really believe that,” she says, in that loud voice drunk people use to insist that their football team should have won or that wizards are in no way cooler than vampires. Taylor is so happy, because she suddenly gets to talk; she makes a nonsensical statement in which she aligns herself with Kyle while also assuring Lisa that if Kyle is not successful in her attempt to overthrow Lisa, Taylor will be more than content to sit at Lisa’s feet on a padded footstool.

Lisa is, understandably, shocked that everyone apparently is so faux-mad at her. This, she suddenly realizes, is why Pandora got nothing but Ped-Eggs from the Housewives at her bridal shower. She wraps it all neatly in a ball and says, Okay, I get it. You all have decided to crucify me and you are going to use your make-believe hurt feelings as justification. I will apologize, because your feelings are, after all, your feelings, and I am sorry that I said you want attention Kyle here everyone watching goes, why yes, Kyle does want attention and I am sorry that I called your shoe a Maloof I won’t say the word because now I know you find it offensive. Kyle leans back, satisfied that she has the point on this battle, even though she came off looking like a conniving asshat. Adrienne takes another tack and says, “Well, you can say it. You’ve already said it.” This was Adrienne’s way of letting the audience think that the damage is already done and she will suffer eternally from an imagined lack of shoe sales caused by the only marketing maneuver that would actually make anyone associate the name Maloof with “shoes,” but she, Adrienne, would never be such a controlling freak as to censor Lisa. This remark was one step past the edge of the already rickety diving board, and Lisa is completely flummoxed.

Fortunately, Kyle knows how to handle this touchy situation. Having watched ABC After-School specials via a mirror over the dresser in the guest room that sort of showed the grainy picture of an old cabinet Zenith sitting next to the family’s shrine to its major source of income, Kyle’s sister, Kyle drags out the lessons learned in her old dog kennel world. Couching this next blow with “I love you, but,” which are the most preposterous words ever spoken because if you love someone, really love them, you accept their faults and don’t hold them up as a reason to publicly ridicule them, Kyle yabbers that being friends with Lisa is akin to playing chess with Bobby Fischer. Lisa is smart, she sez, and every move has to be calculated when you’re in a friendship with her. Kyle pretends that this is an awesome compliment, but of course it is such a stab in the face with a meat cleaver. She is saying that Lisa controls them as if they are pawns.

Andy Cohen comes right out and says, “Are you saying that Lisa is manipulative?” And Kyle acts for a second – you can see the effort skittering down her forehead and down to her mouth and out the ends of her fingers, which is to say, she is crap at acting – and then throws up her hands, insinuating that confronted with the truth of the matter, she simply will not lie. Of course, she’s a liar. So you can count on the fact that she’s lying.  Lisa narrows her eyes ever so slightly at Kyle, disgusted that Kyle has taken this route of attacking her while also maintaining that she loves her, and says, “Thanks, Kyle.” Which means that this is not over, not by a long shot, and Kyle and her measly little life had better watch out. Kyle knows this, and she starts scrambling again; Lisa is a smart person, she’s so smart, and she makes Kyle nervous because she’s afraid to have Lisa angry at her.

Lisa responds, rightfully, “I’m scared of you, your temper, as well.” Which was put brilliantly. She’s scared of Kyle. Lisa is not going to put up with Kyle’s ridiculous Mean Girl Brutality without pointing out that Kyle is pretty frickin’ scary on the order of scary human beings. Taylor makes a face grunt to show that she is neither for nor against Lisa or Kyle; for the right price, however, she might be able to provide information that could make any story interesting. Kyle takes the opportunity to attack Lisa for calling her out on her shit-cheese behavior at game night – that heinous Empty House Party in which the Richards Sisters were complete stinking toilet brushes to Brandi, just because. How dare you say I acted mean when I am absolutely super-sweet and not at all mean? Dammit, you KNOW I AM NOT MEAN! Kyle screams, brandishing her wide-wristed man hand in a sweeping fist of destruction toward Lisa’s face. I am so $#*s&!)% NOT MEAN, dammit! Tell them! TELL THEM! TELL AMERICA THAT I AM NOT MEAN, or I will beat orphan kittens within an inch of their lives and then raise my arms above my hair and do my admittedly bad impression of an evil lord-witch laugh over their writhing near-corpses!

Lisa listens carefully to Kyle’s menopausal and obviously deranged rant and then says, sagely, “If you have six people and put them together on this journey, of course you’re going to have disagreements.”

Completed deflated like the clown nose that inspired her look this evening, Kyle pouts and nods. Strike two for the Mean Team. 

Real Housewives: Not-Very-Compelling Fashion

The show starts off with Carolyn making a show of sisterly support. Since her baby sister, Dina, opted to leave the show, Carolyn brings two more of her sisters, Frannie and Cookie to lunch. There she sets up her whine session about Albie being asked to leave law school.

Albie, it seems, has a learning disability, and got a 1.9 GPA for the year. Which means he probably got really low marks the first semester and really low marks the second semester. I actually don't know if he went to law school for two semesters, but it seems unlikely that any school would spring clean him after just one semester, unless he did just rotten (and yes, 1.9 is rotten).

So, now Carolyn notes that Albie has a learning disability and he told the school, but he didn't follow up to get any of the help offered to ensure he would get a better GPA than 1.9. That is what makes Albie's case "not a compelling argument." He told them, they said you'll need this, he didn't get the help, he saw himself failing (it could not have been a surprise, and yes - a D is not failing, but it's not enough to remain in school). The school, no doubt, is saying, "we gave you every tool to succeed, but you couldn't be bothered to do anything we suggested, so why should we give you a second chance?"

It's what happens. He's what - 23? This doesn't define his life.

I feel sorry for Carolyn because she's put all her Albie eggs in the law school dream. If Albie really didn't take it seriously, perhaps it is just the dream of lawyerdom and not the love of the law that spurred Albie to pursue this path. He needs to take a look at what he really wants to do and do it whole-heartedly next time.

Now for the set-up for the rest of the show. Carolyn has empty nest syndrome.

On to Jacqueline and Teresa having lunch with Kim D, who is the owners of the ridiculously named Posche boutique. She wants them to come to her fashion show. They haven't seen Kim D since she got wasted at Teresa's circus-mafia-glowing-drinks-themed housewarming party.

Both Jacqueline and Teresa have trepidation about Kim D because she hangs out sometimes with Danielle. Kim D explains that she doesn't put up with crap from anyone, let alone Danielle, and she is just exploring whether she can hang out with her. She not-so-gracefully sidestepped the direct question Teresa asked her about whether she talks about them when she's with Danielle, but Teresa just grimaced and was either placated or not taking the question to its obvious conclusion - an answer.

Kim D does make some nonsensical statement about not worrying about the "trust" word. She sees the opportunity to have the entire franchise at her fashion show, and she's not worried about a little drama.

Jacqueline, in Talking Head Mode, says that she has real issues with Danielle because Danielle "almost" called the cops on Jacqueline's obnoxious daughter, Ashley, who was in a text war with Danielle. And a Facebook war.

Kim D leaves the restaurant with a twirly good-bye and Jacqueline and Danielle hunker down to discuss what they will do about the fashion show. Jacqueline's instinct, which of course she will ignore, is to not go, because nothing good can come of going.

Teresa, who has hated Danielle with a table-throwing passion for quite some time, says the provocative statement of the day - something along the lines of, if she went to the fashion show and saw Danielle, she'd have to say hello to her. Because she's a nice person, and we all know she's like that.

So they agree to think about it. And we know that it's going to be Teresa who stirs the pot at the fashion show. Even though Ashley gets the citation, it's Teresa stirring the pot.

Meanwhile, Danielle is driving in a fury toward Posche, because she has found out that Kim D has invited Jacqueline and Teresa to the Posche fashion show, and she needs to find out why a friend would do her like that. She claims that 16 or so people texted her at once, which I find hard to believe, because she apparently uses a temp agency of unemployed moms in Martha Stewart costumes to fill her camera scenes. I don't think she could drum up 16 whole people who actually care about whether she's going to that fashion show or not.

She approaches Posche in her Range Rover (she's broke and owes the government big bucks), Chanel-logo earrings (can they be real? they are SO ugly in that way that it was ugly when people used to dress in head-to-toe Burberry costumes you knew Burberry never made), and a stinkin' attitude. She accosts the woman at the desk, who is rather rudely on the phone (I suspect with Kim D) and barely looks up for Danielle's outrage.

This may actually be a wise strategic move, because probably you don't want to look a Danielle right in the eyes.

Her daughter calls, and Danielle calls her "baby girl" about 42 times, and tells her she has a "situation."

No, Danielle, you do not have a situation. You have a question. And there's no reason that your children need to know about every little up and down you have with your little chums. Your children are not supposed to be your friends. They have six billion opportunities in the world to be friends with people, and only one opportunity to have a mother.

Danielle was mad about the fashion show, and now she is mad that she has been disrespected by the woman at the desk. She emulates how the woman held up one finger to tell her "one minute," so Danielle says she should have held up one finger as well to tell her that Danielle is definitely going to win the one-finger, which-finger game.

Suddenly, Danielle sweeps back into Posche and tells the desk woman to have Kim D call as soon as she returns, and sweeps out. Desk woman barely looks up, because she's nervous to be on camera, she's on the phone (I would bet, bet, bet anything she was on the phone with Kim D, giving her the play-by-play).

Danielle stomps out to her car and drives off, leaving me to wonder at the amount of time Danielle has to sweep in and out of strip mall boutiques to get things straight with their owners about their loyalties (money) and friendship (based on money and the chance to be on television).

Kim D comes back and she and her employees have a good giggle about Danielle and her wild demands for answers, and Kim D and her gum-chawing salesgirl Alina think it is all So Funny.

Danielle stomps back in and - suddenly, Talking Head Shot says, "Kim D has played me for the last time." Because of course she believes that Kim D actually cares what Danielle thinks. No, Kim D will sell Danielle the odd cheesy top and clunky bracelet, and she will smile to get her turn on camera - but there is nothing lovable or enjoyable about Danielle. After realizing that hanging out with Danielle only leads to talking about Danielle, talking about Danielle's enemies, and talking about how Danielle is mad at her enemies, you realize - hey, I am not having a good time

Softening her entrance with one of those I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation kind of lines "I've had a moment to cool off," Danielle enters the store and demands the desk woman's head. She complains that the woman was rude, and she complains that she is a money-paying customer (though Kim D said at a party several weeks ago that Danielle does not pay her bills on time).

Danielle apologizes for being offended, and Kim D said she was sorry that Danielle felt offended, and that it wasn't her, so what could she do (in other words, I am not firing my employee on your whim, you freak).
And then Danielle delivers a line that she must have used to manipulate someone else at some time, but I ask you - what does it mean? What the heck can this possibly mean???

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

What????

Repeat:

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

And Kim D says, "okay."

Danielle is shocked to receive this information, because a good friend (hint) would have said (hint) that she would drop all other customers to get Danielle's (hint) IOUs for tacky handbags and embellished T-shirts.

Danielle tries to push the issue some more, and Kim D asks Danielle to leave. So - you know there's going to be trouble. Gum-chawing salesgirl in her Charlie Brown shirt agrees that Danielle is a nutjob.

Talking Head Danielle vows that she won't support Kim D's tiny little boutique, and believe her, Kim D will miss her money. "Ah-ha-ha," said in creepy mode. "Bye-bye," she says is ulta-creepy baby-talk daddy-give-me-a-spanking mode.

Super creepy.

Now back to Carolyn. Albert, the husband, is going off to work and Carolyn is all lonely. With the dogs in this big house, and she wants Albert to retire so she'll have something to do. He's worked his tail off to get her everything she wants, he has his job and loves it, but she's lonely, so it's time for him to sacrifice.

Her husband is exhausted by her. I was exhausted by her, and I fast-forwarded through most of her whining.

Suddenly, the graceless Ashley appears in the Posche parking lot. And immediately, we know what has happened. As a final kick in the teeth to Danielle in this fashion show drama, Ashley (not Danielle's admittedly pretty daughter who got to be a model earlier in the season) is going to model in the Posche fashion show.

She stumbles into the store with her Dallas Cowboys jersey on, the same one she wears all the time, and shows off her purse dog. Instead of a new car and a purse dog, Ashley probably needs a job and twelve hours of classes at community college, because this idea that she is interesting in any way is silly: she has no life! How can she be interesting!

There is some more simpering among Ashley and the Posche people about how Danielle will be there (this will really tick her off! hee-hee!).

Then cut to Jacqueline and Teresa having a feisty, make-up laden workout followed by wine.

Kim D calls Danielle at home and says, let's not be silly and let's have a wonderful time at the fashion show. For a few minutes, they try to top each other with banal platitudes about how each of them was being the bigger person, and finally Kim D lays it all on the line, "This is about Posche. I have worked too hard for this."

Danielle gets a Talking Head moment, and in addition to saying that Kim D has invited all kinds of crazy to her fashion show, she also says that because the fashion show is at the country club in her town, nobody in their right mind will hurt her now.

What???

Carolyn meets with Teresa and Jacqueline to discuss the fashion show. Carolyn has told everyone in the past to avoid Danielle like the plague. After a few cocktails, however, and the thought that Jacqueline and Teresa have been invited to sit at Kim D's (the owner!) table, Carolyn decides that it would be super-cool to just let them live their life. Go to the fashion show! Plus, Ashley is modeling! Danielle put Ashley down! Go, Go already!

"Do not let her win. You win by doing nothing," says Carolyn. "This is a very volatile situation. Let's hope everybody behaves."

Next, Kim G shows up at Danielle's in her big black egg of a car, with a driver, wearing a dress she bought at Britney Spear's garage sale. Danielle is trying to be the ingenue, coyly asking Kim G which of two pairs of boots she should wear, and then blowing her mentee moment by adding, "I just want to be naked in these."

Now, Danielle is worried about Teresa attacking her. It was Ashley last week, but now it's Teresa.

Kim G tells her to shuddup. Danielle says it goes no further, zip her lips and forget the camera is on them...

Ashley is so excited. She's afraid of tripping. They are getting her ready, and they all giggle about Danielle some more.

Kim D loves the room, and Kim D says tactlessly that Ashley looks gorgeous, though it took the powers of the gods to get her there. Teresa and Jacqueline walk in, Teresa wearing the chinchilla jacket she bought on the show the day after her bankruptcy got announced, and Jacqueline wearing a fur shrug thing.

Everybody is talking about how it's going to be fun, fiercely avoiding the fact that it is not going to be fun. As a joke but really an "accident," Danielle is seated directly across the runway from Teresa and Danielle. Danielle has a new bodyguard, as if someone wants to put their hand on her person (ew). This time, it's not Danny, because he was so slimy and Kim G had issues with the fact that he threw f-bombs around a baby cancer fundraiser and threatened guests with cutlery.

Danielle showed up late, and rather than just sticking to the schedule, Kim D complains about how late she is.

Danielle is mad because Kim D has both Teresa and Jacqueline at her table. She doesn't blame Kim D because Kim D is the hostess, but instead she blames Teresa and Jacqueline for being desperate enough to befriend someone that was her friend. Then she turns on Kim D, because no one who is a friend of hers would break bread with people like them.

Carolyn opts to go to date night with Albert, during which she complains nonstop about the kids leaving.

I fast-forwarded. This is life. Kids grow up. She has a big house and gets to go to dinner once a week with her husband. Albert says maybe he'll do 12-hour days rather than 16-hour days. She wants him to take a weekend off once in a while. he says OK.

Back at the country club, Danielle is pretending to be on the phone and to read texts and refusing to clap. The phone trick she learned from Paris Hilton. "The ultimate diss had already been made, so my ultimate diss needed to begin."

Kim G tells her to quit it. Teresa and Jacqueline are liking the show, laughing about Danielle not looking with a big puss on her face. Kim G says it's bad manners, and Danielle vows that she doesn't care who and what is walking on that runway.

Until she sees Ashley.

When she sees Ashley, she's ticked. Why didn't her daughter get asked to model?

Ashley had been worried about tripping, and apparently Kim D at Posche was worried Ashley would trip, too, because she paired Ashley up with a guy to walk the runway.

"None of them know how to walk a runway, I'll tell you that," she says. Kim G says, well, of course, they're not professional models. Danielle leaps on that piece of gristle like a hound. "Oh, that's why they didn't want Christine. They wanted unprofessionals."

THAT'S when Danielle got pissed, because she wasn't AT ALL pissed before.

Ashley sits at the table with her mother and stares and does her sick little smile at Danielle. Ashley is like a serial killer, one who rubs it in your face. Danielle says that Ashley is just like her mother, great job, good parenting, awesome. Jacqueline tells Ashley to can the crap.

Jacqueline realizes that her daughter has gone missing, so she goes looking for her. She finds Teresa sitting in the hall. Teresa wants to say hi to Danielle after a few hours of sitting across the runway pretending Danielle didn't exist.

Danielle walks by with her Low-Rent Entourage, and Teresa says, "Danielle," as if she is surprised to find her in the same county. "Hi."

Danielle says hi and Teresa makes some banal conversation, then starts to drop little volleys of crap. Talking Head Danielle suspects that Teresa is not genuine. Regular screen Danielle says I am leaving. Teresa says what, you're running away? Why are you running away? Danielle is gone, and Teresa gets comfort from Jacqueline telling her that Teresa had done a nice thing. Kim G says, no, Danielle come back, I'm here, let's talk. Teresa wants to know if Danielle heard that Teresa's daughter Gia was in fashion week, she heard Christine was? No? No hello, nothing? Congratulations, Danielle says unconvincingly to Teresa. Congratulations to your daughter as well, Teresa says equally unconvincingly. Teresa keeps upping the ante, and Danielle says she doesn't feel like this is a friendly conversation. Teresa says you know I'm really a sweet person,I am the sweetest, nicest person and everybody knows that, right? and Danielle says no, this is news to her. Teresa explains that yes, Teresa behaved badly toward Danielle in the past, but that was all Danielle's fault.  Teresa says something, something honey, and Danielle says, don't call me honey, and Teresa says, "Okay, is bitch better?"

And from here, next week, all hell is gonna break loose.

This was Teresa's fault. And next week, someone is gonna get arrested. But at least Teresa can cling to her $3,333 per episode, so that she can start paying back her creditors.

Real Housewives of New York: Gummy Bears and Tequila Shots Needed

The Real Housewives of New York marathon reunion special closed last night with a (lackluster bang). Bethenny was snarky, Sonya was real, LuAnn was fakey-gracious, Alex was taking no prisoners, Ramona was aggressive but not in a mean crappy way, Jill was a self-imagined victim and Kelly was re-writing history faster than several governments after World War II.

The gist of the show was that Kelly is pretending to believe that she was bullied, Jill is pretending to believe that everyone was mean to her, LuAnn is the New Barry White/Madonna/Fergie, and Bethenny is just over it all - enough so that she can afford to be the bigger person in areas that she might normally get ino the fray.

Blow-by-blow: Kelly, who had stomped off the stage in Hour 2, stomped back amid discussion about how she had been sent back to New York from the island with a producer. She heard this and skittered back to the couch so that no real facts about her exodus could be released and started back on her systematic bullying mantra. Her attitude was belligerent - she insinuated that Ramona had not been grateful enough that Kelly had put on her glasses to play photog, she again insisted that Bethenny wasn't a cook ("the chef was cooking, not Bethenny," she says), she again insisted that people must be jealous of her. She also came up with one good, obviously pre-scripted-by-her-media-consultant line about Pinot Grigio being Ramona's blood type. I know it's not a new line, but had I believed that Kelly had actually come up with it at that point in time, I would have had to toss out a kudo. Jill wanted people to know what a good line it was, so she said, "That was a good line," which makes me kinda think Jill fed it to her.

When Sonya tried to tell Kelly that Kelly had, in fact, been aggressive, Kelly accused Sonya of having been too drunk to accurately assess the situation. It was a really low blow, especially because Kelly was certainly throwing back her own shots. And even if Kelly had not been throwing back her own shots, it was a really rude thing to say. "You totally misjudged the situation because you're such a boozaholic."

Nobody could get through to Kelly, so they kind of left it behind. Bethenny's words were, "This isn't even fun."

I have to ask what the heck is Kelly wearing on her hand? Had she taken up falconing and accidentally shoved the poor bird up her cuff? Another PETA moment: I wear fur, I don't like animals to be abused, I have some dead ANIMAL up my sleeve.

Then they moved to the Jill/Island fiasco. I believe there's a lot that Jill is taking for granted in this situation. She has no desire to understand that the hwives were completely terrified of the Kelly situation - that for three days or whatever they'd been on edge, waiting for the next hailstorm of rage and craziness and the next and the next, and then when they got right to the toes-over side of the cliff and Sonya said, wait, there is something really, really wrong here and they were actually afraid that she'd become violent the entire night and they were afraid Kelly would have some sort of complete psychotic break that would be difficult or impossible to come back from and that she'd just left and they were finally able to breathe...

Yeah. Like that.

So to have Jill come in, pretending everything was hunky-dory and life was gummy bears and satchels of gold was just like the last drop of water on the head that puts a torture victim over the edge during water the old Chinese water torture. One drop too far.

I also don't understand why Jill hasn't edited her reasons for going to the island on the first place. "I wanted to talk to Bethenny before the holidays." First, talk about your ambush (remember, she said she felt ambushed when Bethenny showed up at Ramona's apartment to speak to her)! Second, what were the other ladies? Chopped liver? Basically, she wanted to be sure that in her holiday letter to her friends, she could write, "And after a tumultuous year, Bethenny and I have renewed our friendship and we are looking forward to pursuing additional fame and success as BFFs next year."

The problems with what Jill did have been discussed to death (by me as well as everyone else), but now with the finality of seeing exactly how Jill looks at it after months of self-examination, her actions become an even stranger attempt to cull attention and affection. She knew that Kelly had been in crisis, she knew there was drama, she had spoken to Ramona only the night before. So it was, and can only be defined as, TOTAL AMBUSH. There is no such thing as a happy surprise if not everyone in the room is going to like you being there.

Jill also said something that sounded like BS to me. This idea that she thought Kelly was going to be there, on the island, and the idea that she saw Kelly at the airport, didn't jive. If she saw Kelly at the airport, it would go without saying that Kelly was NOT going to be at Ramona's house. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and Jill also was trying to cover up the fact that she had seen Kelly at the airport. I think her consultants (who were off-camera) motioned to her and said, "don't lie."

A kind person would have called in advance - or just during the phone call of the previous evening - and said, "It sounds like things are a little anxious - I had been planning to stop by for lunch with my husband and a camera crew, but is this not a good time?"

Actually, I guess the camera crew was already there. I don't know if Jill had her own guy as well as the team already at the island house.

Jill and her four media consultants did a good job prepping Jill on pat, platitudinous apologies delivered in a flat, needs-an-acting-coach spurt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let's talk more about why I am sorry and by the way, Bethenny did you get my flowers and you look beautiful, by the way.

With the Sonya line that they "threw a friend out today," Jill said, "I got that message loud and clear." There was no protest, which annoyed her. She wanted to them to say, No, we wanted you, it was just situational.

But how about how mad Ramona was? Flouncing in front of Jill's face, so mad. And Jill throwing back, "and thanks for offering me and Bobby a glass of water." And then Ramona got up and just did the whole giant charismatic preacher act. It was a riot - an undignified riot.

The only person who Jill refused to argue with was Bethenny.

So, then Jill feels on the hot seat. Ramona isn't letting her get away with anything, and she can't argue with Bethenny because she wants everyone to think there's a chance of them making up. She doesn't know what to do with Sonya, and she also knows that Sonya is popular. So she doesn't dare tick the fans off by picking on her. So what does she do? She goes right back to her Regular Punching Bag, Alex.

"I think a lot of this was because of Alex," she said, or something like this. Alex gave short shrift to this line of reasoning, and Jill, who really had nothing concrete to say, backed right down. Alex doesn't care what Jill thinks, she's not going to be her doormat, and she's not going to let Jill paint her as a troublemaker. It's just like Jill not to say something like, "Oh, are you OK?" to Alex.

LuAnn was actually more likable in this episode than she has been all season. I am sure she took into account the fact that she got involved in too many dramas, because she kept saying that she doesn't get involved in too many dramas. I was happy to see the genuine emotion in her discussion about her divorce, and I am glad that your ex-husband doesn't actually hate-hate Jewish people (that was a hard question to sidestep, and it was classy of you not to say, "yes, well, he does" in much the way that Irish used to hate Italians because they thought they were one step up). You got your apologies from Ramona and Bethenny without doing that you have bad manners, darling act, and as a result, they were sincere apologies. Way to not dig in with the manners.

Kelly and her contradictions are disturbing, but Kelly is generally disturbing. Nothing new here. What was new was how Jill couldn't pass up the chance to yell "spread eagle" at Alex in an attempt to shame her about photos that were unearthed some time ago. See how much classier I am than Alex? Love me, love me, love me!

SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE!

Totally an unlovable thing to say, and so disappointing. And so, so, so vulgar. Even though everyone is rooting for Jill to have learned something that she can take into the rest of her life to make herself a better, more admirable person, her rage at Alex means no one can get over it. It's Jill, she always needs an enemy, and that's the way it is. It's no holds barred for Jill's enemies, and Jill always crosses the line. And the fans definitely draw the line and don't like to see their boundaries crossed.

At the end, Andy asked all the hwives if they would come back, and nobody closed the door, really, except Bethenny, who really doesn't need it. Of course, she will see how things go with her show (I actually liked the second episode better, now that we are getting to know some things about some of her co-reality-stars). The one who did a kind of weird manipulative thing was Jill, who wants to be cajoled and begged to come back. She just doesn't know - it was the hardest thing of her life.

Lemme tell you - not harder than sitting home having nobody pay attention. She dumped Alex in the grease, and said probably she would not come back, because of Alex. In other words, to get me, you'd have to get rid of Alex. Which would be a stupid mistake. I don't think Alex hates Jill, but Jill saying that made me hate Jill. I was just repulsed. It completely erased any doubt I had about who Jill Zarin is.

The much-discussed hug at the end: no big deal. Bethenny didn't bother to get up, so the movement forward was all on the part of Jill. Bethenny didn't want it, she didn't need it, but her life is good and she wasn't going to be rude and say no, you freak, don't hug me. She just doesn't care. While Jill said, I'm sorry, I miss you, that's not bullshit, I really miss you, Bethenny just said over and over, I know. Not, me too, and it will be fine. Just I know.


Can't wait to see what's in the leftover clips on the floor episode next week.