Just When You Thought RHONJ Couldn't Get Any Worse...It So DOES!

My mantra throughout this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has been, after each and every episode, "that's as bad as it gets." I wait a week for the next episode and I continually have to admit that I was wrong the week earlier - because it just gets stupider and stupider.

This week, the entire families of Manzos, Lauritas and Giudices meet for dinner at the Limestone Waffle House that is Teresa Giudice's home. They sit around the sumptuous chairs (which can be yours in an upcoming auction that is now indefinitely postponed while the authorities comb through more Giudice assets that have been uncovered and decide whether it really is okay to sell children's toys and beds and hair bows to the general population) and the women all seem to be drinking fruity strawberry daiquiris. This seems to be an odd choice, because each of those suckers packs more calories than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, but that's what they're doing,

The drinks may actually be Bellinis, because Teresa offers one to Jacqueline. They are very red Bellinis. I am sure that you can get the recipe from either Teresa's book or, more likely, where she may have gotten them herself - off the Internet. But I kid.

And what it the conversation? Uh - duh. It's about Danielle Staub, everybody's favorite punching bag. Not that she doesn't bring some of this on herself, but I always find that the best way to eliminate a problem from your life is to not keep talking and talking and talking about it.

Before the family starts in on Danielle, everybody clinks glasses and compliments Teresa on the food, and Teresa - bizarrely clad in some shredded black lace cocktail dress/negligee/mantilla - says, as if she's not desperately trying to push her book about Italian food, "some people think Italian food is so fattening, but it's so not." Albert, Caroline's husband, chimes in that when the group was in Italy, they ate their faces off but never gained weight. He delicately avoids the fact that the reason they did not gain weight is because of the enforced death march up Mount Vesuvius they were forced to endure as a condition of being held captive at Teresa's leopard-and-lace family reunion.

Jacqueline seems unable to use a fork; she is trying to do the European upside-down fork thing and I keep worrying that she will stab herself in the chin. Caroline asks, stagily, how Ashley is doing with her trial for assaulting Danielle at the country club, and Jacqueline says that Ashley seems to be doing fine. Caroline points out obviously that this may be on Ashley's record for the rest of her life, for the millionth time that someone in this extended family has pointed that out, to which I have to say: yes, it will be on her record for the rest of her life. Even if the charges are dismissed, the fact that Ashley was arrested will be on her record for the rest of her life.

Unable to lie about what Ashley did (there were 72 cameras on her at the time), Jacqueline defends the repugnant Ashley by saying that even if Ashley did wrong by pulling Danielle's hair, the hair-pulling was not accompanied by Ashely's screaming that she was going to kill Danielle, as Danielle claimed in the police report. Therefore, Ashley is somehow vindicated.

Caroline does a talking head (it is obvious that this episode is going to be the Caroline Show) and asks rhetorically, "If you are in a better place, why are you so hell-bent on hurting this child?" To which I say, nobody thought that Ashley was such a child when she moved out of her parents' home to go live with her 23-year-old boyfriend, and actually, it was the so-called child who hurt Danielle, not the other way round. OK, so Danielle said that Ashley has flabby arms and failed school and whatever else. Probably, a lot of it is true, though why an adult would be saying such things about a young person makes no sense at all. Why Ashley would respond makes no sense. Why Ashley is allowed to have a cell phone and Internet action also makes no sense - it's not as if she's working for it.

What Caroline really asking is: why are you making my niece pay for her very terrible behavior?

Because - let's face it. Ashley has not shown one iota of remorse over this whole thing. This is the thing that got her on the contract to be paid $3,300 per episode, which is a lot of money for doing the thing she is really talented at - sitting around in knit hats and ass-widening PJ bottoms and being a pouty snot. This is the only time she will realize any kind of success in her life, because the rest of her life is going to be waiting for her stepfather to fork over some money so that she can have a pedicure and buy dog sweaters.

Jacqueline chimes in with the most ridiculous argument ever: if Danielle says she was such a good friend of mine, why is she doing this to my daughter?

Again, I reiterate. Again. You told Danielle you no longer wanted to be her friend. You turned your back on her. This means that whatever warm and fuzzy feelings she once housed for you are most likely gone. By rights, those feelings should have evaporated. Also, your daughter has a weird and violent fascination with Danielle that no doubt was spurred into existence by your constant barrage of insults against her. This obsession of Ashley's with Danielle was whipped into a frenzy by you and then stirred into a luscious soup of rage with assault. The police came. Ashley was arrested. Charges of assault and harassment were filed.

However, this does not constitute Danielle doing anything to Ashley. Ashley is a menace who has not once apologized for her actions. She is the kind of person who would do this again to Danielle or anyone who ticks her off. What Ashley needs is some good residential psychiatric treatment and a real job. Ashley did something to Danielle; what is now happening to Ashley is called a consequence, not some random thing that Danielle is doing to Ashley.

Caroline is tired of everyone in her family having to battle this lunatic. The rumors she spread about Teresa being up to her eyeballs in debt and having her house foreclosed on makes Caroline mad (Teresa just sat there tight-lipped and livid that Caroline would mention this at the table or anywhere - make it go away! - only God knows whether Teresa let her family in on the bankruptcy/possible criminal charges/IRS issues). She was mean to Caroline's son Christopher (by saying that he was rude to her in a valet line, which seems so minor that the fact that Caroline even brought it up makes me snort in disgust). And she was mean to Dina, which made Dina leave the show (something about Danielle calling Dina's ex and trying to get him to stop paying child support or something).

She is "so driven to hurt every single one of us." Then, Caroline lets loose her inner martyr: "And I have done nothing but try to stay out of this woman's life."

Caroline is determined to lay it all on the line and go have drinks with Danielle in order to put all this fighting to rest. And get Danielle to drop her charges against Ashley. And right away, you know it's going to be a failure - and not because of Danielle.

The problem with this scenario is that Caroline wants Danielle to not only leave her family alone (which Danielle actually seems to be doing), but also drop the charges against Ashley. Caroline is operating on the premise that Danielle will believe that Caroline's decision not to mess in her life means anything. It doesn't, because Caroline has made it clear from the outset that she won't have anything to do with Danielle. Caroline also is under the mistaken impression that Danielle will somehow read from Caroline's attempt to talk with her that Caroline is offering any kind of approbation - or that Danielle actually wants Caroline's approbation.

Caroline is also going to insult the life out of Danielle by saying that what Ashley is guilty of, Danielle has been, too. She is going to ask Danielle to "save" Ashley. And yet Caroline is offering her nothing in return.

This entire scenario is called a negotiation. In order to be successful in a negotiation, you have to have a bargaining chip. Caroline believes her munificent presence is a bargaining chip - but she is offering Danielle nothing that she wants or needs. If Caroline invited her to a party, or suggested they meet for lunch sometimes to show people how civilized they could be for an hour or two at distant intervals, Danielle might have snapped the possibilities right up. But if there is nothing to snap up, Danielle will swim away, stewing in her own juices.

Teresa says that she tried to talk to Danielle at the country club, and Danielle just ran away. 

I despise Teresa. She is despicable. She is a liar. She is a thief. Also, she laid in wait at that country club for Danielle, who was behaving pretty well by Danielle standards (considering she found out that her so-called friend was not her friend during the self-same fashion show) and, when Danielle did not engage her, Teresa dropped a bomb of classlessness. I am no fan of Danielle Staub, but Teresa is at least an equally horrible person.

Teresa - I'm not buying your act, I'm not buying your book, and I'm not buying any of that tacky tat you spent $11 million on to fill up your Big Neighborhood Funeral Home of a House.

Caroline says, well, she may run away from me, but I won't run away from her. She is going to try to make a deal with Danielle, but Ashley better behave going forward. Jacqueline whines that she will talk with Ashley, but she can't control her, which means she doesn't want to control her.

Right there and then, Caroline texts Danielle.

Cut to Danielle. She is eating what appears to be huge tubes of pasta and asparagus, and she seems to have learned her table manners at the same school from which Jacqueline matriculated. She is sitting with her two daughters, and she is surprised. Her older daughter asks Danielle to read the text, and Danielle does - and then she starts that weird thing that she does where she scrutinizes every word for the most ominous meanings possible. "Nonsense" (Caroline would like to put a stop to this nonsense). "I'll tell her when I think it's nonsense!"

The younger daughter starts crying and moaning. She doesn't want Mom to go to this scary-sounding meeting from which no good can come. "What normal person would do that?" Well, there's her mistake. Danielle is not a normal person. She believes that it actually matters that Caroline walk away from this meeting thinking, "Wow, I really misjudged her." Danielle loves, loves, loves that scene in Pretty Woman  in which the Julia Roberts gets to go back into the Rodeo Drive shop and say, "You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Huge!'

The older daughter gets that tense mouth-face that she does when she realizes that her mother is spewing crazy-talk.

"What do we have to talk about?" Danielle muses. "I'm not in fear no more. I was, but now I'm not. The thing is, I don't want anything to do with them...so, I'm going to go."

And here is the part that where I realize that Danielle talks in Saturday morning action cartoon show speak, where there's always a watery line before the commercial that's supposed to be strong. Because she says:

She may be the matriarch of her family, but not of mine. So, here we go - matriarch to matriarch.

The older daughter's eyes slit to the side, and she realizes that this is going to be embarrassing as all get-out, especially when her mother says, "I am going to get the dignity and the respect that I deserve."

Respect is earned, dignity is self-contained. It's not something you can demand as if you're ordering a hamburger at a drive-in speaker.

Cut to Jacqueline and her husband trying to talk some sense into the puffed-out drywall that is Ashley. Ashley gets really excited when she hears that Caroline is going to speak to Danielle, and you can tell that throughout this conversation, she is fantasizing about the blog post or Facebook post or whatever she's going to run do as soon as she can leave the room. Jacqueline tells her that she can't do anything more to Danielle, and Ashley says she hasn't done anything - which is actually not a response to what Jacqueline just said.

Why is the baby sitting there? Who brings babies to conversations like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. You always dress him in red and black biker togs. Whatever.

"She's like herpes; she never goes away," the hatted one says of Danielle, laughing at what she thinks of as her own wit, and no doubt remembering what her doctor told her about herpes.

The stepfather says that Ashley is annoying with her Danielle talk and adds that Caroline may not get off the hook. It's costing him money, with all these legal fees, and Ashley needs to can the crap. But Ashley doesn't think she will get convicted, because she thinks that her fiction about only pulling Danielle's hair because she thought Danielle was hurting her mother will fly. She also has this idea that somehow the court will ignore the obvious evidence of Ashley pulling Danielle's hair because the tape doesn't show her telling Danielle that Ashley was going to kill her.

Ashley wants to know what Aunt Caroline is going to say - because, of course, the more details, the more people will like her Internet post. This will all be so funny, goes Ashley's brain.

Jacqueline says that Danielle will probably want a public apology, and Ashley says, "Well, that;'s not gonna happen." Because it makes so much more sense to hope the judge will ignore the evidence - on camera - of Ashley's assault on Danielle. Because Ashley paying a fine and being found guilty is so much better than saying, it was a confusing situation and I don't know why I did it. I am so sorry.

Ashley rolls her eyes and shows her parents enormous disrespect - which makes sense, since Jacqueline does nothing but talk about Danielle. Jacqueline can't stand that her daughter owes Danielle.

Back at Danielle's, Danielle's pet felon Danny comes in without a coat (he probably pawned it to pay his probation fees). Danielle tells Danny that Caroline texted her. Danielle comes up with an elaborate scheme in which Caroline has planned every incidence of Danielle's discomfort in the last two years. Danny says that yeah, sure, Caroline is the boss, but it's not likely that Caroline planned the country club thing, and Danielle says, "Oh, come on," and Danny caves and does a 180-degree and just starts agreeing with Danielle that Caroline is, in fact, the Godfather.

Danielle really, really likes mafia movies.

"Caroline, you're not Carmelo," Danielle says, puzzling me before she added, "You're not a Soprano."

Oh, Carmela Soprano. The wife.

She tells Caroline to get a life.

And then she brings up a very good point - if you didn't like me, would you ring my doorbell to tell me you didn't want to be around me? Or would you just not hang around me any more? 

And this is a very good point. And the "woman' that Danielle knows, they just don't do that.

But, she's still going for the drink.
  
She embraces her moments of insanity, but Danny gets the idea that it's not a good idea for Danielle to be in a place in which she is vulnerable. Danny, who can't be a bodyguard - no doubt because his parole officer tells him to steer clear - is nonetheless excited about the possibility of drafting an assemblage of goons to accompany Danielle to this restaurant.

Danielle is ranting by now. Caroline, you come and meet me face-to-face and tell me what your problem is with me. Which is kind of the point of the meeting, right?

Caroline's new cop son who got kicked out of law school and her makeup artist daughter who has no makeup on and looks like a big mess meet with Caroline in the kitchen to talk up the meeting. Caroline is going to go get dressed, and we see her getting dressed, checking accessories, and says she is not going to stir the pot.It;s the Big Lead-Up.

Danielle has a quick phone meeting with her energist. She is going to lead with love and drive her message home, which sound like two conflicting goals. She has hired a short, dumpy, white driver and a big, black bodyguard. "Danielle's mafia is in place," she announced, oddly.

We see them driving - Danielle in a rented town car and Caroline in a Range Rover, which must supply Range Rovers to everyone on the show. Danielle for some reason is very concerned about Caroline's red hair, and adds that her "mafia" hurts with guns.

At the Brownstone, the family is meeting in preparation for Caroline's return. They are having bellinis and half red wine-half Coke drinks. Ashley is cleaning her teeth with her tongue. Albert says that Caroline is only going to save Ashley, because, he says, Ashley "lost it," but Danielle premeditated her rudeness by lying to the court about Ashley threatening to kill her (I have to add that if someone was chasing me and pulling my hair, I would completely have it in my head that this person was trying to kill me - I don't believe that Danielle's perception is an unreasonable one). Jacqueline says, yes, her daughter was wrong, but Danielle is - and here she gives a list of stuff that Danielle did more than 20 years ago as an example of why Danielle has no right to judge her daughter. It's so rude, and so tasteless. There are children at the table. It's not in keeping with the correct level of parental horror over what Ashley did. Danielle's past, to Jacqueline, is Ashley's excuse.

Ashley gets mad. She hears it every day. Jacqueline says, no, you don't hear it every day, since most of the time you are living in sin with your boyfriend. Ashley - rightly, I think - gets up and goes to the bathroom. Her mother is surprised that Ashley is upset. She follows her and tries to get her to see that Jacqueline is all perfect and Ashley needs to always be polite to her no matter what word vomit spills out of her mouth.

Ashley's boyfriend, a total suckup to the Italians, agrees that Ashley needs to know her place and be respectful.

Caroline's cannelloni of a daughter goes and makes Ashley come to dinner. 

So far as Caroline's meeting - Danielle has brought her army, but Caroline doesn't give a fiddler's fart. She is nervous - you can tell because she's doing this fast-anxious smiling thing.

Caroline opens with a lot of platitudes about how she wishes life was. Danielle agrees. The Caroline makes her misstep. She says she is "puzzled" about why Danielle feels the need to pursue "this" (meaning the criminal charges) with Ashley. She brings up Danielle's past and says that Danielle could be the person that help Ashley turn her life around. She keeps bringing up Danielle's past, which is really rude and irrelevant to Ashley's current situation, as Danielle's past did not beget Ashely's atrocious behavior.

Danielle is shocked. She can't believe that Caroline would preface a request for her to drop the charges with puzzlement and throwing Danielle's own past back in her face. Danielle says that she is not perfect, and because she was held accountable for her own mistakes, she can embrace them as positive experiences. (This is lost on Caroline). Caroline admits that Ashley was wrong and that her actions were illegal.

"This is not about me or my mistakes," Danielle says. "This is about Ashley."

And she is right! She is so right! I can't even believe how right Danielle is! Who would have known???

Caroline is getting huffy. She can't salvage this, so she is going to turn it into an attack. She tries to sell Danielle the fiction that Ashley thought she was defending her mother, a lie which is made clear by the camera footage - Jacqueline is not even near Danielle.

Caroline says that Danielle needs to tell the truth (read, stand by Ashley), and then Caroline will respect Danielle. Which is such a reckless hand to play, as it is based on the assumption that anyone in the world cares a lick about whether Caroline Manzo respects them.

I actually liked Caroline a little before this episode. But she went from what I thought was a considerably changed version of her formerly bullying little self to a seemingly wiser and more thoughtful person - right back to a little bully. She's getting louder now, because she's mad that for some strange reason, this person is not hearkening to her demands like a waiter at her husband's business.

Danielle says that while it may be a surprise to Caroline, Danielle doesn't need Caroline to validate her. She feels that she has been attacked and insulted and gossiped about (all true).

Caroline says that she wants one example in which she has hurt Danielle. The way Caroline hurt Danielle, of course, was by egging the others on, but the only proof Danielle has of this was Jacqueline's earlier disloyalty to Caroline. Danielle considers playing this card -you can see she's toying with this idea while at the same time trying to come up with some example of Caroline directly bothering her. She can't. But Caroline's family has hurt her. Caroline's friend have. And really, since it was Caroline herself who called this meeting, since it is Caroline herself who is asking for all the favors - it really isn't required of Danielle to come up with anything. Caroline is getting louder and louder. She knows that she lost her persuasive argument, but she is not smart enough to know why, and it makes her mad, like when the dog can't catch his tail. So she turns to her old standard, bullying. She is going to try to browbeat Danielle to do Caroline's bidding, and then she is going to swan back to the Brownstone and tell everyone how that "garbage" kowtowed to her, dammit.

And when Danielle turns it around and says, "What have I ever done to you, Caroline," Caroline spews some nonsense about how Teresa is her, Ashley is her, Dina is her. I have to say here that Caroline can't have it all ways. She can't be the one who never did anything to Danielle but is taking on the hurts of the whole world. She is not neutral. She is not the rescuer. She's just a housewife getting a few things off her chest.

Caroline is right that Danielle attacked the children. But the Manzo/Laurita/Giudice bullied Danielle, and Danielle is a nutjob.

We are no longer talking about Ashley - Caroline is just mad. She's mad about the entourage at the Brownstone. She's going to say some f-words. She's mad about a lot. She's about to break down, but she's working hard to keep it all in.

And Danielle drops her bomb. It's a good one. Caroline has brought up Danielle's unsavory past. Caroline passed judgment on Danielle based on her past, which was more than 20 years ago. And she lassoed everyone she could into her coterie of People Who Judge Danielle.

So Danielle says, "What about all your friends who are under indictment now?"

It's a good one. It's something that Caroline never thought Danielle would have the guts to bring up. She has no response. She gulps. This is true, this is mean, this hurts. If she thought about it, she would apologize to Danielle, say, you know, you just taught me something, and maybe Danielle would give Caroline what she wants. But Caroline has no subtlety, no finesse. Danielle hasn't either, but Danielle has been coached brilliantly for this meeting. Brilliantly. She has been rehearsed and put through questions - nothing catches her off-guard, nothing takes her off her game. Caroline hurts, so she is going to attack.

She tells Danielle that she is a clown, and Danielle says that she can't believe that red-headed Caroline is calling her a clown. Caroline says that Danielle will. not. hurt. her. It's just pathetic. It's stupid. Caroline looks foolish and Danielle looks calm and cool. Caroline is a pushy Fred Flintstone of a woman, yelling for her brontosaurus burger, and the sad thing is that she spent all of her earned currency as the Wise Woman on petulant, bratty Ashley.

Caorline pulls the garbage card - the insult she hurled at Danielle in Season One, and Danielle leaves. Caroline is so proud that Danielle is leaving first, which she looks at as some kind of accomplishment.

Caroline is wrong, of course. Lobbing insults at people and expecting them to sit there and take them is silly. Any normal person would walk away from such a conversation - what did Caroline expect? Did she think that Danielle would burst into tears? Did she think she'd leap across the table and attack her? Did she expect her to sit there a minute longer and listen to Caroline's brain diarrhea flowing out of that hole under her nose?

I am, if you can't tell, completely disgusted by Caroline.

Caroline continues to shoot off her mouth with such bon mots as "enjoy your life," to which Danielle says, "yes, I am," and Caroline seems to think she's hit some kind of target. She is happy that Danielle is walking away from her. Now, I wouldn't be walking; I'd be sprinting. Get this meatball sandwich out of my way, I'm outta here.

In her talking head, Caroline proclaims Danielle to be soulless, heartless, and not worth her time. I have to disagree, and I don't like sticking up for Danielle. Danielle was polite considering the circumstances, she was calm, and she made logical arguments. All in all, she did better than Caroline in this little Manzo-created Showdown. She won, just the way she won against Dina. Because it makes NO SENSE to try to hurt people with meetings in which you tell them that you don't want them in your life. That meeting is about you and you saying what you want to say. It doesn't resolve anything, because you don't care to hear what they have to say - and more to the point, the person you're spewing your rants against doesn't care what you have to say.

Danielle was hoping that Caroline would say something that would ease the sting of the United Attack. If Caroline had said, wow, this kid, what did she do? Tell me how to get through it, or something, she would have won Danielle over. And Caroline could have done it without getting involved in Danielle's life. But, no - Caroline wanted to dictate terms to Danielle, and she just didn't have anything to offer in return.

Which is why this episode was stupid.

The end of the show, and Danielle goes home to her little family and Caroline goes to a restaurant with her big family. Everybody loves everyone in their spearate little hamlets.

Real Housewives of New Jersey

It's been quite a few weeks since I blogged at all - in part, I think, because I was so tired of blogging about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. A lot of my readers watch that show, and I thought it was a terrific public service to point out every little moment/flaw/comment. Plus, it seemed kind of fun.

One of the things about watching these shows and getting so into them - and pointing out every little flaw - is that somehow, it made me feel like a smaller person. I don't speak about my friends this way. I don't speak about my colleagues. So why do the hideous women posing and making antic for Bravo qualify for my utter disdain?

And then I realized:

They earn it. If my disdain could be converted to cold, hard currency, these women would be able to pay off all those silly debts they're ringing up. They'd be able to save their possessions from auction, put their kids into nice schools, have their hair done by skilled technicians.

Sadly for all of us, my disdain is just my disdain.Transferable but no cash option.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey jumped the shark for me when the ladies (I use that term loosely) decided to have a cat fight at the country club. This was right around the 4th of July, and we had to wait a week to see how it all turned out - a cliffhanger, just the like time that the Fonz, in his leather jacket and little swim trunks, was riding around a tiny floating shark pen on his water skis. In the Pacific Ocean, right by the shore. A cool California dude dared him to jump the shark, so, logically, in the way that people do when defending their state's ability to produce greasy slackers, the Fonz took the dare. I don't think he had a lot of water-skiing practice from his time as a mechanic and hoodlum in Wisconsin.

Back then, in 1977, the audience waited a week for the Fonz, caught in mid-air from a camera angle which for this show was adventurous, to land. They tuned in the following Tuesday to see Fonzie, his water-ski-clad legs splayed in jump mode in a freeze frame, start moving and land - not a surprise, because the shark pen must have been about six feet across. He ended with one of his signature "ayyyyy" moves. This was not a surprise to anyone, though; the Fonz had already proven his mettle by jumping things on his little motorcycle. This was just a bridge too far.

It was also eerily reminiscent of the time The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii and foreshadowed the moment when The Facts of Life would go to Paris.

In the RHONJ, the buildup before the actual fight has lurched steadily forward all season to the Horror Caught on Camera in the Country Club. Danielle, who is terrible, has been feuding with the equally repugnant Ashley, a 19-year-old with the prospects of a future girlfriend of a somewhat filthy guy who robs convenience stores.

At some point, Danielle pointed out that Ashley's arms are fat. And they are fattish. Fatter than not fat at all. And this incenses, absolutely incenses, Ashley. Does anyone buy her line about being mad because Danielle has been stalking her family? I believe that Danielle has been stalking her family, because we got to see a drunken, muttering Danielle tilting out of the nail salon after a mani-pedi and a few glasses of cheap Chardonnay and then slantingly driving her children through the streets of Franklin Lakes to peep at the Manzo's Law Enforcement Party to which she, Danielle, was not invited.

However, I do not, emphatically DO NOT, believe that Ashley is mad about the stalking. I believe that Ashley is mad that Danielle pointed out that Ashley has fat arms.

It was not a nice thing for Danielle to say, but Ashley could have gotten past it by, say, working out or wearing sleeves. Or just ignoring it! Why on earth would Ashley give a damn about her fluffy white arms since she spends most of her time in ass-widening sweats and pajama bottoms, anyway? Do you really think your arms are the problem?

So, they go to the country club and Ashley has lost a few pounds - enough so that she can squeeze into some larger-sized dresses at Posche, the upscale resale (or is it retail) boutique in the strip mall, conveniently located so that Posche's owner can pay her water bill in the grocery store next door. Ashley models, which puts Danielle over the edge, because she wasn't invited to sit at the owner's table and her daughter, the one who once went to a fashion show and modeled (though she threw up), was not invited to model.

Tensions are high, and Danielle is silly with her mobile phone texting-so-I-don;t-see-you hijinks, but she doesn't start anything. No, Danielle would have apparently gotten through the pass scot-free and been back in the cushy confines of Kim G's Bentley, if not for Theresa.

Theresa starts something, and Danielle runs away, fast, fast, fast down the corridor. She's screaming, and her shoe breaks. Somehow, Ashley, whose mother says she thought went home but whose mother didn't really believe went home, runs up behind Danielle and snatches out a good pound of weave and the strands of real hair the weave was glued into.

So. Ashley gets charged with assault, which is actually exactly what should have happened. If Danielle had, as Ashley's mother Jacqueline and all of Jacqueline's friends suggest, just let it go with an apology, Danielle would still be waiting for the apology. Moreover, Ashley would still be waiting for opportunities to literally and figuratively snatch Danielle's weave. And most of important of all, Danielle would not have the ability to smile knowingly at Ashley with that sick "You lose, bee-yotch!" that they like to do to each other.

Also, look at Ashley. It's so much better that the authorities will have her on their radar screens. She is just vile.

It amazes me that everybody is taking Theresa's party line that she wasn't causing trouble when she waited in full-stalker mode for Danielle to emerge from the fashion show. Theresa likes to say that she's just all sweet. No, she's not. She also looks as if she may be able to keep Ashley company at future court events, because Theresa's in a heck of a lot of hot water over spending $11 million. Her husband has been caught forging mortgage documents. And she may be in on that, too.

Which is why it is so very difficult to watch Theresa spending with reckless and gleeful abandon. By this time, she knew they would probably have to declare bankruptcy. Which makes everything that she spends theft as opposed to wanton irresponsibility.

I am noticing that they are giving their other children more air time. For a while, it was just the oldest one, because they believed she had the biggest potential as a star baby. Now, all the kids are in the mix. That could be because Joe, Theresa's husband who may be facing many criminal charges in addition to all kinds of other scary prospects, needs to be shown on camera as a family man so that the courts will take mercy on him. I am guessing that they've decided that they need to diversify their investments - who knows? One of the other girls may be able to get that movie contract that the oldest one couldn't quite nab.

Theresa and her husband are mugging for the cameras with some Good Old-Fashioned Family Time. This is, like I said, probably to create footage for their lawyers so that when the prosecution shows footage of wild, gleeful expenditures, the defense can counter with footage of the hard work of owning a pizzeria, karate classes and Monopoly. Though it does make me sad to know that every single property those girls win in Monopoly will just be added to their parents' list of assets for auction.

So - down to this week, the leftovers after the Shark Jump. These are the episodes where Mrs. C talks back to Mr. C, Fonzie becomes a teacher and the Joanie-Chiachi romantidebaucle begin. There is nothing good that will ever happen again on this show. Eventually there will be a wedding, which no one will watch because no one will care, but Bravo will foot the bill and it will be tacky rather than ironic, because that's the way it happens.

This week, Danielle decided to throw her daughter, the model-want one, a sweet 16. They make much of the idea that it will be a charity sweet 16, because she's going to give all the money she gets to charity.

First of all, who actually throws themselves a party with the expectation that they will get money? Who is giving this money? Why is it not just another free party on the Bravo Amex? However, Danielle seems to believe that throwing a party for her daughter and naming a nameless charity as beneficiary is somehow classy. And heart-warming. As opposed to just throwing a party for your daughter because she is wonderful and you want to celebrate her, and putting no gifts, please on the invitation. And if someone asks, say that she would love a donation to her favorite charity, or, if she is a truly well brought-up young lady, to the guest's favorite charity.

"I have so much already," she could demur.

But no. We are having this party on the basis of two lies: that Danielle wants to give to charity and that Danielle was really thinking of giving her daughter a sweet 16 party. This is the thin veil of fiction thrown over the truth: Danielle has convinced someone that Bravo should pay to listen to her younger daughter sing. Not only sing, but sing a song she wrote herself.

For this momentous event, Mr. Danielle shows up with his younger, average-looking new wife, who has chosen a green dress for the occasion. Danielle is thinner than the new wife - but Danielle is thinner than everyone. Everyone alive, I mean. Danielle was very worried about Mr. Danielle showing up, and so she wore the engagement ring he gave her back when their love was fresh and dewy, so that she could wave it around under the nose of the new wife. See! I got one, too! Danielle's older daughter is promised the ring at some point in the future; the other kid can have some other ring.

Which ring anyone gets is, of course, dependent on whether either of them makes a success out of the career paths that Danielle has so graciously piled into their laps.

The long and the short of it is that the kid can't sing. She's not terrible; she's 11. She just doesn't have any bright, shiny talent, or a particularly good voice. It made me mad that Danielle pushed that kid into doing this, because it will lead to a wildfire of disappointment, resentment, and embarrassment.

Meanwhile, back at the Manzo residence, Albie is not taking being kicked out of law school lightly. He is going to the police academy. I feel so relieved for Carolyn that she finally got some return on the investment she's made throwing all those lawn parties for the local sheriff. Albie is actually probably a great candidate for a cop, because he likes order and believes himself to be right all the time. I guess that he didn't get any law schools to bite on his letter from Seton Hall that stated that while that school didn't want him back, they weren't averse to anyone else having him. He's going to have to wait the mandatory two-year waiting period law schools supposedly have for people who flunk out. What? Surely there is a law school that would take Albie - unless there's more than he's telling us?

Apparently, Kim G bashed Danielle next week. That may be worth watching, or at last fast-forwarding through.

Real Housewives: Not-Very-Compelling Fashion

The show starts off with Carolyn making a show of sisterly support. Since her baby sister, Dina, opted to leave the show, Carolyn brings two more of her sisters, Frannie and Cookie to lunch. There she sets up her whine session about Albie being asked to leave law school.

Albie, it seems, has a learning disability, and got a 1.9 GPA for the year. Which means he probably got really low marks the first semester and really low marks the second semester. I actually don't know if he went to law school for two semesters, but it seems unlikely that any school would spring clean him after just one semester, unless he did just rotten (and yes, 1.9 is rotten).

So, now Carolyn notes that Albie has a learning disability and he told the school, but he didn't follow up to get any of the help offered to ensure he would get a better GPA than 1.9. That is what makes Albie's case "not a compelling argument." He told them, they said you'll need this, he didn't get the help, he saw himself failing (it could not have been a surprise, and yes - a D is not failing, but it's not enough to remain in school). The school, no doubt, is saying, "we gave you every tool to succeed, but you couldn't be bothered to do anything we suggested, so why should we give you a second chance?"

It's what happens. He's what - 23? This doesn't define his life.

I feel sorry for Carolyn because she's put all her Albie eggs in the law school dream. If Albie really didn't take it seriously, perhaps it is just the dream of lawyerdom and not the love of the law that spurred Albie to pursue this path. He needs to take a look at what he really wants to do and do it whole-heartedly next time.

Now for the set-up for the rest of the show. Carolyn has empty nest syndrome.

On to Jacqueline and Teresa having lunch with Kim D, who is the owners of the ridiculously named Posche boutique. She wants them to come to her fashion show. They haven't seen Kim D since she got wasted at Teresa's circus-mafia-glowing-drinks-themed housewarming party.

Both Jacqueline and Teresa have trepidation about Kim D because she hangs out sometimes with Danielle. Kim D explains that she doesn't put up with crap from anyone, let alone Danielle, and she is just exploring whether she can hang out with her. She not-so-gracefully sidestepped the direct question Teresa asked her about whether she talks about them when she's with Danielle, but Teresa just grimaced and was either placated or not taking the question to its obvious conclusion - an answer.

Kim D does make some nonsensical statement about not worrying about the "trust" word. She sees the opportunity to have the entire franchise at her fashion show, and she's not worried about a little drama.

Jacqueline, in Talking Head Mode, says that she has real issues with Danielle because Danielle "almost" called the cops on Jacqueline's obnoxious daughter, Ashley, who was in a text war with Danielle. And a Facebook war.

Kim D leaves the restaurant with a twirly good-bye and Jacqueline and Danielle hunker down to discuss what they will do about the fashion show. Jacqueline's instinct, which of course she will ignore, is to not go, because nothing good can come of going.

Teresa, who has hated Danielle with a table-throwing passion for quite some time, says the provocative statement of the day - something along the lines of, if she went to the fashion show and saw Danielle, she'd have to say hello to her. Because she's a nice person, and we all know she's like that.

So they agree to think about it. And we know that it's going to be Teresa who stirs the pot at the fashion show. Even though Ashley gets the citation, it's Teresa stirring the pot.

Meanwhile, Danielle is driving in a fury toward Posche, because she has found out that Kim D has invited Jacqueline and Teresa to the Posche fashion show, and she needs to find out why a friend would do her like that. She claims that 16 or so people texted her at once, which I find hard to believe, because she apparently uses a temp agency of unemployed moms in Martha Stewart costumes to fill her camera scenes. I don't think she could drum up 16 whole people who actually care about whether she's going to that fashion show or not.

She approaches Posche in her Range Rover (she's broke and owes the government big bucks), Chanel-logo earrings (can they be real? they are SO ugly in that way that it was ugly when people used to dress in head-to-toe Burberry costumes you knew Burberry never made), and a stinkin' attitude. She accosts the woman at the desk, who is rather rudely on the phone (I suspect with Kim D) and barely looks up for Danielle's outrage.

This may actually be a wise strategic move, because probably you don't want to look a Danielle right in the eyes.

Her daughter calls, and Danielle calls her "baby girl" about 42 times, and tells her she has a "situation."

No, Danielle, you do not have a situation. You have a question. And there's no reason that your children need to know about every little up and down you have with your little chums. Your children are not supposed to be your friends. They have six billion opportunities in the world to be friends with people, and only one opportunity to have a mother.

Danielle was mad about the fashion show, and now she is mad that she has been disrespected by the woman at the desk. She emulates how the woman held up one finger to tell her "one minute," so Danielle says she should have held up one finger as well to tell her that Danielle is definitely going to win the one-finger, which-finger game.

Suddenly, Danielle sweeps back into Posche and tells the desk woman to have Kim D call as soon as she returns, and sweeps out. Desk woman barely looks up, because she's nervous to be on camera, she's on the phone (I would bet, bet, bet anything she was on the phone with Kim D, giving her the play-by-play).

Danielle stomps out to her car and drives off, leaving me to wonder at the amount of time Danielle has to sweep in and out of strip mall boutiques to get things straight with their owners about their loyalties (money) and friendship (based on money and the chance to be on television).

Kim D comes back and she and her employees have a good giggle about Danielle and her wild demands for answers, and Kim D and her gum-chawing salesgirl Alina think it is all So Funny.

Danielle stomps back in and - suddenly, Talking Head Shot says, "Kim D has played me for the last time." Because of course she believes that Kim D actually cares what Danielle thinks. No, Kim D will sell Danielle the odd cheesy top and clunky bracelet, and she will smile to get her turn on camera - but there is nothing lovable or enjoyable about Danielle. After realizing that hanging out with Danielle only leads to talking about Danielle, talking about Danielle's enemies, and talking about how Danielle is mad at her enemies, you realize - hey, I am not having a good time

Softening her entrance with one of those I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation kind of lines "I've had a moment to cool off," Danielle enters the store and demands the desk woman's head. She complains that the woman was rude, and she complains that she is a money-paying customer (though Kim D said at a party several weeks ago that Danielle does not pay her bills on time).

Danielle apologizes for being offended, and Kim D said she was sorry that Danielle felt offended, and that it wasn't her, so what could she do (in other words, I am not firing my employee on your whim, you freak).
And then Danielle delivers a line that she must have used to manipulate someone else at some time, but I ask you - what does it mean? What the heck can this possibly mean???

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

What????

Repeat:

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

And Kim D says, "okay."

Danielle is shocked to receive this information, because a good friend (hint) would have said (hint) that she would drop all other customers to get Danielle's (hint) IOUs for tacky handbags and embellished T-shirts.

Danielle tries to push the issue some more, and Kim D asks Danielle to leave. So - you know there's going to be trouble. Gum-chawing salesgirl in her Charlie Brown shirt agrees that Danielle is a nutjob.

Talking Head Danielle vows that she won't support Kim D's tiny little boutique, and believe her, Kim D will miss her money. "Ah-ha-ha," said in creepy mode. "Bye-bye," she says is ulta-creepy baby-talk daddy-give-me-a-spanking mode.

Super creepy.

Now back to Carolyn. Albert, the husband, is going off to work and Carolyn is all lonely. With the dogs in this big house, and she wants Albert to retire so she'll have something to do. He's worked his tail off to get her everything she wants, he has his job and loves it, but she's lonely, so it's time for him to sacrifice.

Her husband is exhausted by her. I was exhausted by her, and I fast-forwarded through most of her whining.

Suddenly, the graceless Ashley appears in the Posche parking lot. And immediately, we know what has happened. As a final kick in the teeth to Danielle in this fashion show drama, Ashley (not Danielle's admittedly pretty daughter who got to be a model earlier in the season) is going to model in the Posche fashion show.

She stumbles into the store with her Dallas Cowboys jersey on, the same one she wears all the time, and shows off her purse dog. Instead of a new car and a purse dog, Ashley probably needs a job and twelve hours of classes at community college, because this idea that she is interesting in any way is silly: she has no life! How can she be interesting!

There is some more simpering among Ashley and the Posche people about how Danielle will be there (this will really tick her off! hee-hee!).

Then cut to Jacqueline and Teresa having a feisty, make-up laden workout followed by wine.

Kim D calls Danielle at home and says, let's not be silly and let's have a wonderful time at the fashion show. For a few minutes, they try to top each other with banal platitudes about how each of them was being the bigger person, and finally Kim D lays it all on the line, "This is about Posche. I have worked too hard for this."

Danielle gets a Talking Head moment, and in addition to saying that Kim D has invited all kinds of crazy to her fashion show, she also says that because the fashion show is at the country club in her town, nobody in their right mind will hurt her now.

What???

Carolyn meets with Teresa and Jacqueline to discuss the fashion show. Carolyn has told everyone in the past to avoid Danielle like the plague. After a few cocktails, however, and the thought that Jacqueline and Teresa have been invited to sit at Kim D's (the owner!) table, Carolyn decides that it would be super-cool to just let them live their life. Go to the fashion show! Plus, Ashley is modeling! Danielle put Ashley down! Go, Go already!

"Do not let her win. You win by doing nothing," says Carolyn. "This is a very volatile situation. Let's hope everybody behaves."

Next, Kim G shows up at Danielle's in her big black egg of a car, with a driver, wearing a dress she bought at Britney Spear's garage sale. Danielle is trying to be the ingenue, coyly asking Kim G which of two pairs of boots she should wear, and then blowing her mentee moment by adding, "I just want to be naked in these."

Now, Danielle is worried about Teresa attacking her. It was Ashley last week, but now it's Teresa.

Kim G tells her to shuddup. Danielle says it goes no further, zip her lips and forget the camera is on them...

Ashley is so excited. She's afraid of tripping. They are getting her ready, and they all giggle about Danielle some more.

Kim D loves the room, and Kim D says tactlessly that Ashley looks gorgeous, though it took the powers of the gods to get her there. Teresa and Jacqueline walk in, Teresa wearing the chinchilla jacket she bought on the show the day after her bankruptcy got announced, and Jacqueline wearing a fur shrug thing.

Everybody is talking about how it's going to be fun, fiercely avoiding the fact that it is not going to be fun. As a joke but really an "accident," Danielle is seated directly across the runway from Teresa and Danielle. Danielle has a new bodyguard, as if someone wants to put their hand on her person (ew). This time, it's not Danny, because he was so slimy and Kim G had issues with the fact that he threw f-bombs around a baby cancer fundraiser and threatened guests with cutlery.

Danielle showed up late, and rather than just sticking to the schedule, Kim D complains about how late she is.

Danielle is mad because Kim D has both Teresa and Jacqueline at her table. She doesn't blame Kim D because Kim D is the hostess, but instead she blames Teresa and Jacqueline for being desperate enough to befriend someone that was her friend. Then she turns on Kim D, because no one who is a friend of hers would break bread with people like them.

Carolyn opts to go to date night with Albert, during which she complains nonstop about the kids leaving.

I fast-forwarded. This is life. Kids grow up. She has a big house and gets to go to dinner once a week with her husband. Albert says maybe he'll do 12-hour days rather than 16-hour days. She wants him to take a weekend off once in a while. he says OK.

Back at the country club, Danielle is pretending to be on the phone and to read texts and refusing to clap. The phone trick she learned from Paris Hilton. "The ultimate diss had already been made, so my ultimate diss needed to begin."

Kim G tells her to quit it. Teresa and Jacqueline are liking the show, laughing about Danielle not looking with a big puss on her face. Kim G says it's bad manners, and Danielle vows that she doesn't care who and what is walking on that runway.

Until she sees Ashley.

When she sees Ashley, she's ticked. Why didn't her daughter get asked to model?

Ashley had been worried about tripping, and apparently Kim D at Posche was worried Ashley would trip, too, because she paired Ashley up with a guy to walk the runway.

"None of them know how to walk a runway, I'll tell you that," she says. Kim G says, well, of course, they're not professional models. Danielle leaps on that piece of gristle like a hound. "Oh, that's why they didn't want Christine. They wanted unprofessionals."

THAT'S when Danielle got pissed, because she wasn't AT ALL pissed before.

Ashley sits at the table with her mother and stares and does her sick little smile at Danielle. Ashley is like a serial killer, one who rubs it in your face. Danielle says that Ashley is just like her mother, great job, good parenting, awesome. Jacqueline tells Ashley to can the crap.

Jacqueline realizes that her daughter has gone missing, so she goes looking for her. She finds Teresa sitting in the hall. Teresa wants to say hi to Danielle after a few hours of sitting across the runway pretending Danielle didn't exist.

Danielle walks by with her Low-Rent Entourage, and Teresa says, "Danielle," as if she is surprised to find her in the same county. "Hi."

Danielle says hi and Teresa makes some banal conversation, then starts to drop little volleys of crap. Talking Head Danielle suspects that Teresa is not genuine. Regular screen Danielle says I am leaving. Teresa says what, you're running away? Why are you running away? Danielle is gone, and Teresa gets comfort from Jacqueline telling her that Teresa had done a nice thing. Kim G says, no, Danielle come back, I'm here, let's talk. Teresa wants to know if Danielle heard that Teresa's daughter Gia was in fashion week, she heard Christine was? No? No hello, nothing? Congratulations, Danielle says unconvincingly to Teresa. Congratulations to your daughter as well, Teresa says equally unconvincingly. Teresa keeps upping the ante, and Danielle says she doesn't feel like this is a friendly conversation. Teresa says you know I'm really a sweet person,I am the sweetest, nicest person and everybody knows that, right? and Danielle says no, this is news to her. Teresa explains that yes, Teresa behaved badly toward Danielle in the past, but that was all Danielle's fault.  Teresa says something, something honey, and Danielle says, don't call me honey, and Teresa says, "Okay, is bitch better?"

And from here, next week, all hell is gonna break loose.

This was Teresa's fault. And next week, someone is gonna get arrested. But at least Teresa can cling to her $3,333 per episode, so that she can start paying back her creditors.

The Failure Episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

I truly was bored with this week's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Have they perhaps gone so far in the unsavoriness that they can never climb out of the cesspool of sludge?

First, the editing. We have already seen all the housewives gossip about Danielle's social gaffe at the Brownstone in which she brought thugs who threatened guests to a baby's cancer fundraiser. It just seems kind of silly that Teresa, Carolyn and Jacqueline all got together at some random Italian restaurant to re-hash the entire thing and warn each other over and over that Danielle better not mess with any of them.

"We're missing a fourth person," says Carolyn of Dina, who left the show last week, which kind of cracked me up - as if she's never going to see her sister again because she chose not to be on the show, and also as if they regularly all go out to lunch together...

They kept saying how sorry they were for Dina, but why? Dina is a big girl and she made a Big Girl Decision. This was obviously all staged for Bravo, and how boring was the rest of the footage that they had to play that?

Danielle went to go get her boobies redone for the fourth time, and how creepy was the doctor? "Let me get two pictures of that," he said, and all I could think was how long before those show up on the Internet? I know that he's a medical professional, but he's a medical professional in a strip mall location that looks like the county department of health or a really bad Chinese buffet with that kind of slick, shiny food that looks like it's coated in Aussie Mega Gel hair gel.

Danielle looked very comfortable throwing her robe/towel/blanket thing open so that he could get the photos - almost as if she was posing. Head thrown back, eyes staring flatly at the camera, smiling with her mouth slightly open. It was strange.

Despite the sad-looking location, the doctor vows that the person he is calling is the Top Man in the Country. Actually, he called him, and I quote, "One of the leading revision breast surgeons in the country."

Then we cut to Carolyn's somewhat doughy daughter Lauren, who is at her makeup school learning how to do avant garde makeup. Which basically is drawing anything you want on someone's face. There was actually a white girl who had had blackface drawn on and a big Afro wig. Like most mothers of college-age students, Carolyn shows up while Lauren is in the middle of class.

For those who don't know, avant garde makeup is apparently just the stuff that everybody wore in the 1980s, if they were in music videos. Think Duran Duran, with the exception of the blackface, which was just cringeworthy...

Then we see Carolyn, Big Mama Carolyn, in her Talking Head saying how proud she is that her daughter finished cosmetology school, how proud she is the Second Son Christopher is working at the family business (the Brownstone) and BEAMBEAMBEAM how PROUDbeamingPROUD she is that her son Albie is in law school.

Hold THAT thought.

Because then we move to Jacqueline's house, where she and her husband are waiting in the Cushy Couch Lounge for Ashley, Jacqueline's daughter from another dad, to come and visit. Last week, Ashley decided to be rude to her mother in front of her father's poker playing buddies (probably to show her boyfriend, with whom she possibly has been living for some time, what a Cool Chick she is). So the parents wait in uncomfortable camera waitingdom for Ashley to show up, which she finally does, in a T-shirt that something about respect but which was obscured by her rolls of laziness, flannel PJ bottoms, and her ugly knit hat.

Ashley admits that she is an idiot but says she can't help herself because of her temper. Ashley is in trouble with the law, by the way, because of her temper and a Facebook war she opted to have with a women 30 years her senior (Danielle). Ashley also says she would like to come home to live, which sounds as if her boyfriend wanted to give her a cooling off period or Ashley wanted to get more camera time and the cameras were not available at any of the places Ashley enjoys frequenting, such as Arby's and Applebee's. I also have to wonder if perhaps Ashley's parents had stopped paying the Visa bill...

Jacqueline has a little talking head moment in which she says that Ashley just doesn't respect her, but thank God for her stepfather, because she respects him. Which doesn't seem like such a good reason to let her back into the house, but after a little negotiating about curfew times (Ashley thinks she doesn't need one, her parents disagree, but then give her curfews late enough to ensure that she's driving down the road just at about the time that other brain-dead losers are hitting the road, right after getting into all the mischief they could get into for the evening.

Keep thinking about Carolyn's law school pride...

Then Elvira comes into Teresa's big marble palace, ready to do a housewarming party plan, though I believe that there have been some kind of warmings before. Elvira is the most tackily dressed human being I have ever seen - think Marty McFly's sister before Marty went back in time and changed the family's outcome - and Teresa, who up to now has never had a problem showing just how big and overblown she can do things, says she needs Elvira so that her housewarming with be perfect.

So, rather than telling her what she wants, Teresa asks isn't her house clean. Elvira asks how many people come in to do it. There follows a confusing and depressing oneupsmanship battle in which the two of them pull like tug-of-war contestants at their own peculiar viewpoints: you need help (preferably nannies, maids, drivers, gardeners, and all of them live-in) from Elvira, Teresa's stance that she's "old-school" and doesn't believe in using help, Elvira's shock over the fact that Teresa doesn't have a pool, Teresa's stance that it's too much work, Elvira's stance that that's why you hire help, Teresa's stance that she has a beach house, and Elvira's shooting-right-back that she does, too, but you also need a pool.

This was obviously a set-up so that we know how FABULOUS Elvira is, despite her fashion challenges (no new leggings since 1983) and weird mannerisms. It also made Teresa look oddly grounded and frugal, and of course, we know that's not the case.

What I would have said to Elvira: "I am hiring you to do a job, not to comment on how I live m life. You want your check? Zip it."

Because "zip it" is what people say to each other on the Housewives when they get sick of listening to each other. And of course, I have no idea if Elvira got paid or if she is one of the list of debtors on the list of people waiting for $11 million from Teresa and her husband.

That's the hard thing about watching Teresa. You know she has no taste and says stupid things about never wanting to live in a used house and buys ugly clothes for her kids and tries to make her heavy-eyed daughter into a Movie Star (though I love the fact that she was kind to Danielle's kids, and for that, I have to say that I think she's unwise and needs some lessons on good taste and finances, rather than actually unkind). But watching her spend all this money knowing that she's declared bankruptcy and only declared $79K worth of income and there's no way her house would be financed with that kind of income - and now I know she has a beach house?

Badly dressed Elvira just can't get over the fact there's no pool. When what she needs is a new jacket, T-shirt, shoes and jeans herself.

When Elvira sees the scantily furnished Great Room, her face goes a little blank, and she decides that what she wants is to completely transform the place into something, she, Elvira, believes is tasteful: Studio 54. Something homey like that.

I actually can no longer type the word "homey" without thinking Homey don't play that.

Then we cut to Ashley moving home in another hat - I have just figured out the hat: she wants to be the One with a Hat as opposed to the Other Chubby Dark-haired Girl. She has a little suitcase and she tries to renegotiate the curfew but they dig in and then there's a group hug and the Sad Prodigal moves home.

Ta-da!

Here we are. Albie has to tell his mother, Carolyn, that he has done poorly in law school and that she should remember that he has a learning disability. Carolyn has a Talking Head moment in which she suddenly remembers that Albie Has a Learning Disability. Back in the moment, she asks did he fail anything. He says, in this weird defensive way, that he has received a D-plus. Then he blurts that he has a 1.913 GPA (which means he barely scraped passing in any of his classes) and the school doesn't want him.

That's how he phrased it, like the school was some kind of girlfriend who was leaving him behind and not an actual law school trying to educate lawyers and weeding out the ones who can't cut the mustard.

Carolyn, of course, loses her mind, because how can anyone not want Albie? He is her shining great hope, the stuff of her dreams - the one who moves beyond the stereotype and goes into the great big world in which We Are No Longer Immigrants Who Only Live to Serve Paying Customers. Kind of like the last Michael Corleone wishing so desperately that the family will become 100 percent legitimate.

She spews a lot of nonsense about how he needs to feel good about himself and if they don't want him, let's show him and when he gets famous for being a Big Famous Lawyer he'll show them and he'll prove to every kid with a learning disability that It Can Be Done!

She's not disappointed in his performance! She has no questions about the fact that he worked his tail off and they still kicked him out all of a sudden with no warning because this is not about grades, dammit, it's personal!  And Albie clings to this Iceberg of Outrage with such vehemence that he begins to believe his own story, that he's a Victim and not a kid who maybe didn't go to class and maybe didn't work so hard and maybe just didn't have the chops to hack it at law school. No - we're going to have a My Cousin Vinny moment and we'll show them ALL!

Also, because of the learning disability, we begin to see a Lawsuit forming in their heads. He's disabled! Those bastards! Those lawbreaking, cheating, thieving bastards! Heart-felt tears! They told you you weren't good enough! Over my dead body you aren't good enough! That's all I got. Gimme a hug. Mommy loves you.

Then she goes to the husband and he's mad that no one took into consideration that the school admitted him and didn't take car eof him. Instead, after looking at his work, those louts determined he didn't have the ability to be a lawyer. The Manzos don't get that their kid is no longer in preschool making finger paint pictures - he's in law school and they weed out the chaff when they can't do the work. Then Mama says she's just worried that this will give him low self-esteem, and the father does something good - he's like, well, if his self-esteem can't handle this, maybe he's not cut out to be a lawyer.

Because, you know, from Carlinemom, I gotta point out that there's nothing in the U.S Constitution that guarantees positive self-esteem.

Then Teresa and Jacqueline are out looking at clothes for their new post-baby bodies and everyone's drinking out of hideous tacky painted glasses and looking at chinchilla coats (bankruptcy! $11 million in debt!). But they are also secretly mad at the owner of the shop (Posche - ew) because Kim D, the owner, is also a stand-up friend of Danielle's, their (ironically, consider Danielle's storyline this week) bosom enemy.

We hark back to Danielle, who is being introduced to the breast doctor and eyeing him in a way that says, "I am glad you will be playing with my breasts while I am knocked out cold." She is doing her breasts for medical reasons but is not averse to the idea that afterward, she'll look pretty.

The doctor points out above a knocked out Danielle with the big tube in her mouth that she has one of the biggest deformities he has ever seen on anyone, ever.

And I get this idea about Danielle's sex tape. Did she do it because she wanted a free boob job and needed to tell the doctor to get him to pony up that she was about to have a big screen career and that she'd tell everyone that he had done the Amazing Breast work?

What kind of doctor does this stuff on a reality show? Classy....

Back to Carolyn and her family. They are at a sushi place where she and her husband once had a date. She hated it and said he was never supposed to take her back there. And Albie, who is so mad at Life he can't stand it, says, "And here we are."

Carolyn is proud of her daughter for graduating from cosmetology school. Albie cannot STAND to have anyone else praised in front of him, especially while he is going through This Tough Time.

Then the father, picking his teeth, starts up on how Christopher is going to have to use his personality, and Albie better stay handsome.

Carolyn points out that girls are showing up at the Family Business to say how much more handsome Christopher is than Albie. So Carolyn, while making a good show for the cameras about Albie's flunking out revelation, is actually pretty ticked and is going to go after him in this weird passive-aggressive way aimed at totally making the kid feel terrible about himself (he's a kid who flunked out - this too shall pass).

Albie gets aggressive-aggressive and then Lauren says there's gonna be a new favorite kid in town. Albie goes back through history and tells of the story of his hard-won academic prowess, whilst Christopher was just busy being a screwup, being late, taking his pants off in class, and now he's angry, angry, angry because he's lost his identity as the Glowing Golden One. He doesn't feel like him anymore.

Perhaps Kelly could help him deal with that Damned Bullying School what kicked him out.

Teresa goes to some place in Brooklyn that is housing all of Mariah Carey's castoff furniture, which Elvira has deemed more suitable than the crap for which Teresa meticulously counted out $20 bills not two seasons ago. Teresa loves all the gold and overscaled shiny furniture but never once says, "Can any of my stuff stay during the party?"

And I just figured out that Elvira looks like a pumpkin scarecrow with leggings and a floral top.

And she can't figure out that a beverage container might be called a "glass." She keeps calling it china. As in I want a martini in china, not plastic. Perhaps she is talking about some old Versace pattern from the early 1990s, because it seems like a good fit. But, I reiterate: it's called a glass.

So Elvira comes in with her entourage and basically sets up Teresa's Tuscan Manor as the venue for a KISS concert at Graceland. Fire eaters. Chefs. Waitresses. All in black, mafia-style. You would think somebody would be up in arms for that.

Then Kim G gets weirdly invited, because of course there's a question whether they are having her become a regular on the show. I guess the answer may be yes, or maybe it's a contest between her and Kim D (the owner of Posche) because they invite all these Frenemies to the party.

Danielle is out of surgery and back in the arms of her scared-looking children and having rat dogs crawl all over her, demanding love and cups of tea despite the private nurse who was there especially for that purpose. Those poor kids.

And here Danielle takes a cue from Ramona in New York. Renewal. "My new breasts symbolize for me everything new. New beginning. New start. New outlook. It's just fresh." All of which might be interesting if one had not seen the news of the Sex Tape.

Nothing has changed except the shape of one her her breasts.

From thence, we go to the crown of the day: Teresa's Big Party.

Teresa does not think it is strange at all that her house looks nothing like her house for her party. I don't mean by this that her house looks good. I emphatically do not mean that. I mean that it looks different, but bad. Elvira's bad taste rather than Teresa's. It's all very confusing, with waitresses in pseudo-Playboy outfits and big glowing martini glasses (or plastics or chinas, I wasn't paying such close attention). Kim G is grateful to be there but stirring the pot by saying that Jacqueline, whose daughter is feuding with Danielle, is obsessed with Danielle. Carolyn disapproves. Then Kim D gets drunk and stands with the rest of the housewives as if she doesn't know that she hasn't been officially announced yet. Albie is sad, Ashley hugs all the people who have been talking about her as a doughy mess that nobody expects anything better from. Carolyn does call the Two Kim situation a spider web, which I think was actually spot on.

And Carolyn actually looked really pretty that night, Carolyn style.

Kim G realizes that perhaps she's made a wrong move by alienating Jacqueline because she steps all over herself trying to set the tone in a more agreeable mode, but she can't fix the damage: sides are taken, lines are drawn, and hopefully this show gets cancelled because it is messing up all of their lives.

Next week, we see the Big Fight - and I do notice that Teresa went ahead and bought the chinchilla coat.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Ashley Needs a Good Smack

Last week, I was almost beside myself because Danielle Staub's actions were so unbelievably infuriating. Bringing a cartload of sickly-looking (and whatever they have looks catching) and badly dressed hoodlum errand boys to protect her while she was attending a cancer fundraiser for a sick baby? Each of whom did the prison shower-shoe shuffle rather than actually walking and each of whom made vaguely threatening or distasteful comments about people who weren't in the room while Danielle (who also has her own version of shower-shoe shuffle) smiled like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth (probably not, with all the artificial material that makes up her face) and said "I'm being protected, here! Watch it!"

This week, it was boring and maddening to watch Danielle completely ignore the also-vile Kim G (and Kim G's mother-in-law Edna Garrett from the Facts of Life who, btw, looks much younger than Kim G herself) corner Danielle at her Big Girl Birthday Party to tell her that last week's behavior was Oh-So-Unsavory - Kim G was actually going on and on about whether Danielle had invited the hideous Andy Gibberish Danny as her "escort," as if Kim G was some delicate Southern flower rather than a woman who had stood idly by at a party while Hell's Angels moved menacingly through the crowd, people wielding forks threatened to use them as weapons and the irrepressible Danny (whom Richard Lawson over at Gawker brilliantly calls "Scraps") called her son's best friend a spineless fag*ot. Yes.

THAT Kim G.

Kim G's mother-in-law could barely keep the smile off her face while she put in her two cents about how bad Danielle's behavior was. You could just see that if she were an extra on a real show, instead of an extra on a reality show, they would have to fire her because she would have to keep trying her line over and over again because she kept cracking up. "I love you but I have to talk to you," is I believe how she put it.

Danielle started crying and said the friend of my enemy is my enemy, and said, no! I am a gay advocate (by which she means she has heard this is a good thing to be) and he was not calling an actually fag*ot a fa*got, just that 20-year-old kid to whom I had already given an f-u moment - her actual words, but spelled out - by walking up to him and shaking his hand (but in a I-got-you kind of way). She started crying and being a victim because you can never, ever be Danielle's friend if you disagree with her idea of what is appropriate behavior. So Kim G and her mother (Edna Garrett) back down and let Danielle go on and on with her delusional version of victimization, and you could see in their eyes that they were done. They might still hang around her, but they know that she's a complete nutter and they really, really don't see any point in getting in any deeper. They might get in longer, but not deeper.

And knowing they were done, I was so happy to realize that I also am done. This character is too vile and too unchangeable to be actually interesting. She's done the most interesting thing she ever can. And now we're done.

It was kind of a yawn to watch Danielle buy Danny (her male alter ago) a suit (or more likely get one free from the stupid man who thought this would bring good publicity for his business). The prison and courtroom humor wasn't funny and showed a kind of nose-thumbing to any laws they broke or time they served. It was a big adolescent joke, like when Robert Downey, Jr. asked Jodie Foster to put money on his books.

That's not what you call moving away from your past.

It was also a yawn, but a really annoying one, to watch Dina go to tell Danielle she is out of her life. I never understood that - first of all, it wasn't like Danielle and Dina were super-close and the cord needed to be cut. The cord was cut a long time ago, and to bring it up again is just pretty harsh. It's the kind of  "I need closure so I don't give a damn how this impacts you, because this is about me."

I actually had a friend who had an imagined fight with me last year, and when she apologized and said it wasn't about me, it was about her, I ended the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is only ever going to see things from her own point of view. Maybe this was the idea that Dina had when she set out on this mission, but it all seemed backward and over the top since she hadn't been seeing Danielle as a friend. Though she said on her blog that she was always texting supportive things to Danielle - but again, a text does not a relationship make.

So - this week's horror show was watered-down and blech. Except for Ashley. Ashley is a not-too-bright teenager with a doughy body and a doughy brain. By "doughy," I am not talking about Ashley's ready access to food. I am talking about Ashley's obvious conviction that there is no reason in the world that she should ever do any kind of work or behave like a decent young lady or be grateful for any of the vast riches that she has in the world.

By which, I mean, her car. Because really, she doesn't have anything else.

Her parents have not done much to spur Ashley to work or go to college or do anything productive. They do pay for her automobile and they give her money for her clothes and haircuts and pizza.

So what does Ashley do with her spare time?

She fights with Danielle online.

Of course, Danielle takes every little comment and makes it into something it's not. Her reality is truly frightening, because she's a psychopath. Ashley says something along the lines of we all know where you're going...to HELL and in Danielle's weird mind, somehow this is a death threat. "Like what, I'm going to hell now?"

(Which could have just been a realization that she has a lot of repenting to do, pronto.)

So Jacqueline, Ashley's mother, goes to lunch with her friend Teresa and she decides that rather than staying home and calling her daughter on the carpet, she will stay at lunch and eat orange soup and drink wine and then question her about whether it's true that she made a terroristic threat to Danielle. To which Ashley responds, "Do I look like a person who could kill a person?"

To which I immediately thought, yes, yes you do.

Ashley thought this was a big lark, even when her boyfriend (and how lucky she is to have a boyfriend, because I don't see what she really has to offer) told her to cool it. In fact, immediately after speaking to her mother, who told her to stop posting on Facebook - the battleground for this war - Ashley posted on Facebook to tell everyone that Danielle had signed out a warrant for her arrest (which, by the way, was not true at that time - Ashley was trying to influence her friends to hate Danielle even more). Jacqueline called her and told her to take it down NOW, but Ashley just smiled that insipid Ashley smile and made it all out to be a big joke to which only she knew the punchline.

Then at a big Family Dinner, Ashley brought up the Danielle issue to her entire extended family, because she wanted everyone to laugh and tell her how cute she was being and how stupid her parents were for not seeing how Very Right Ashley Was. Because her parents had told her not to tell anyone. Ashley made a crack about Danielle that was pretty ugly, but which was also the kind of thing that drunk people laugh at. Even her stepfather laughed, which Ashely took to mean that she was utterly adorable and she should keep doing it, only faster and harder.

So - what Ashley is missing, of course, is any kind of accountability. Presumably she is mad because Danielle said she had fat arms and called her a bad name, but rather than just brushing it off, she took it several steps too far. And now she has a criminal record.

So - when your daughter can't control herself and when she believes that she needs to fight your on-screen wars, does that mean it's time to get off the TV?

As for Teresa and her bankruptcy, no surprise there. What is a surprise is that they only claimed $79K of income last year, which wouldn't pay the mortgage for one of their houses, let alone all four of them. Or the clothes that she buys her daughters with the deluded notion that she is making them "fabulous" instead of "ridiculous." I am sorry for her - I think she really made herself believe that her poor daughter would become a star and slot them right into a Child Star Parents Life. And that her book would be such a hit that it would completely get them out of debt. Now it's time to pay the piper - and I hope she does, with humility and grace, rather than martyrdom and tears.