Real Housewives of New Jersey

It's been quite a few weeks since I blogged at all - in part, I think, because I was so tired of blogging about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. A lot of my readers watch that show, and I thought it was a terrific public service to point out every little moment/flaw/comment. Plus, it seemed kind of fun.

One of the things about watching these shows and getting so into them - and pointing out every little flaw - is that somehow, it made me feel like a smaller person. I don't speak about my friends this way. I don't speak about my colleagues. So why do the hideous women posing and making antic for Bravo qualify for my utter disdain?

And then I realized:

They earn it. If my disdain could be converted to cold, hard currency, these women would be able to pay off all those silly debts they're ringing up. They'd be able to save their possessions from auction, put their kids into nice schools, have their hair done by skilled technicians.

Sadly for all of us, my disdain is just my disdain.Transferable but no cash option.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey jumped the shark for me when the ladies (I use that term loosely) decided to have a cat fight at the country club. This was right around the 4th of July, and we had to wait a week to see how it all turned out - a cliffhanger, just the like time that the Fonz, in his leather jacket and little swim trunks, was riding around a tiny floating shark pen on his water skis. In the Pacific Ocean, right by the shore. A cool California dude dared him to jump the shark, so, logically, in the way that people do when defending their state's ability to produce greasy slackers, the Fonz took the dare. I don't think he had a lot of water-skiing practice from his time as a mechanic and hoodlum in Wisconsin.

Back then, in 1977, the audience waited a week for the Fonz, caught in mid-air from a camera angle which for this show was adventurous, to land. They tuned in the following Tuesday to see Fonzie, his water-ski-clad legs splayed in jump mode in a freeze frame, start moving and land - not a surprise, because the shark pen must have been about six feet across. He ended with one of his signature "ayyyyy" moves. This was not a surprise to anyone, though; the Fonz had already proven his mettle by jumping things on his little motorcycle. This was just a bridge too far.

It was also eerily reminiscent of the time The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii and foreshadowed the moment when The Facts of Life would go to Paris.

In the RHONJ, the buildup before the actual fight has lurched steadily forward all season to the Horror Caught on Camera in the Country Club. Danielle, who is terrible, has been feuding with the equally repugnant Ashley, a 19-year-old with the prospects of a future girlfriend of a somewhat filthy guy who robs convenience stores.

At some point, Danielle pointed out that Ashley's arms are fat. And they are fattish. Fatter than not fat at all. And this incenses, absolutely incenses, Ashley. Does anyone buy her line about being mad because Danielle has been stalking her family? I believe that Danielle has been stalking her family, because we got to see a drunken, muttering Danielle tilting out of the nail salon after a mani-pedi and a few glasses of cheap Chardonnay and then slantingly driving her children through the streets of Franklin Lakes to peep at the Manzo's Law Enforcement Party to which she, Danielle, was not invited.

However, I do not, emphatically DO NOT, believe that Ashley is mad about the stalking. I believe that Ashley is mad that Danielle pointed out that Ashley has fat arms.

It was not a nice thing for Danielle to say, but Ashley could have gotten past it by, say, working out or wearing sleeves. Or just ignoring it! Why on earth would Ashley give a damn about her fluffy white arms since she spends most of her time in ass-widening sweats and pajama bottoms, anyway? Do you really think your arms are the problem?

So, they go to the country club and Ashley has lost a few pounds - enough so that she can squeeze into some larger-sized dresses at Posche, the upscale resale (or is it retail) boutique in the strip mall, conveniently located so that Posche's owner can pay her water bill in the grocery store next door. Ashley models, which puts Danielle over the edge, because she wasn't invited to sit at the owner's table and her daughter, the one who once went to a fashion show and modeled (though she threw up), was not invited to model.

Tensions are high, and Danielle is silly with her mobile phone texting-so-I-don;t-see-you hijinks, but she doesn't start anything. No, Danielle would have apparently gotten through the pass scot-free and been back in the cushy confines of Kim G's Bentley, if not for Theresa.

Theresa starts something, and Danielle runs away, fast, fast, fast down the corridor. She's screaming, and her shoe breaks. Somehow, Ashley, whose mother says she thought went home but whose mother didn't really believe went home, runs up behind Danielle and snatches out a good pound of weave and the strands of real hair the weave was glued into.

So. Ashley gets charged with assault, which is actually exactly what should have happened. If Danielle had, as Ashley's mother Jacqueline and all of Jacqueline's friends suggest, just let it go with an apology, Danielle would still be waiting for the apology. Moreover, Ashley would still be waiting for opportunities to literally and figuratively snatch Danielle's weave. And most of important of all, Danielle would not have the ability to smile knowingly at Ashley with that sick "You lose, bee-yotch!" that they like to do to each other.

Also, look at Ashley. It's so much better that the authorities will have her on their radar screens. She is just vile.

It amazes me that everybody is taking Theresa's party line that she wasn't causing trouble when she waited in full-stalker mode for Danielle to emerge from the fashion show. Theresa likes to say that she's just all sweet. No, she's not. She also looks as if she may be able to keep Ashley company at future court events, because Theresa's in a heck of a lot of hot water over spending $11 million. Her husband has been caught forging mortgage documents. And she may be in on that, too.

Which is why it is so very difficult to watch Theresa spending with reckless and gleeful abandon. By this time, she knew they would probably have to declare bankruptcy. Which makes everything that she spends theft as opposed to wanton irresponsibility.

I am noticing that they are giving their other children more air time. For a while, it was just the oldest one, because they believed she had the biggest potential as a star baby. Now, all the kids are in the mix. That could be because Joe, Theresa's husband who may be facing many criminal charges in addition to all kinds of other scary prospects, needs to be shown on camera as a family man so that the courts will take mercy on him. I am guessing that they've decided that they need to diversify their investments - who knows? One of the other girls may be able to get that movie contract that the oldest one couldn't quite nab.

Theresa and her husband are mugging for the cameras with some Good Old-Fashioned Family Time. This is, like I said, probably to create footage for their lawyers so that when the prosecution shows footage of wild, gleeful expenditures, the defense can counter with footage of the hard work of owning a pizzeria, karate classes and Monopoly. Though it does make me sad to know that every single property those girls win in Monopoly will just be added to their parents' list of assets for auction.

So - down to this week, the leftovers after the Shark Jump. These are the episodes where Mrs. C talks back to Mr. C, Fonzie becomes a teacher and the Joanie-Chiachi romantidebaucle begin. There is nothing good that will ever happen again on this show. Eventually there will be a wedding, which no one will watch because no one will care, but Bravo will foot the bill and it will be tacky rather than ironic, because that's the way it happens.

This week, Danielle decided to throw her daughter, the model-want one, a sweet 16. They make much of the idea that it will be a charity sweet 16, because she's going to give all the money she gets to charity.

First of all, who actually throws themselves a party with the expectation that they will get money? Who is giving this money? Why is it not just another free party on the Bravo Amex? However, Danielle seems to believe that throwing a party for her daughter and naming a nameless charity as beneficiary is somehow classy. And heart-warming. As opposed to just throwing a party for your daughter because she is wonderful and you want to celebrate her, and putting no gifts, please on the invitation. And if someone asks, say that she would love a donation to her favorite charity, or, if she is a truly well brought-up young lady, to the guest's favorite charity.

"I have so much already," she could demur.

But no. We are having this party on the basis of two lies: that Danielle wants to give to charity and that Danielle was really thinking of giving her daughter a sweet 16 party. This is the thin veil of fiction thrown over the truth: Danielle has convinced someone that Bravo should pay to listen to her younger daughter sing. Not only sing, but sing a song she wrote herself.

For this momentous event, Mr. Danielle shows up with his younger, average-looking new wife, who has chosen a green dress for the occasion. Danielle is thinner than the new wife - but Danielle is thinner than everyone. Everyone alive, I mean. Danielle was very worried about Mr. Danielle showing up, and so she wore the engagement ring he gave her back when their love was fresh and dewy, so that she could wave it around under the nose of the new wife. See! I got one, too! Danielle's older daughter is promised the ring at some point in the future; the other kid can have some other ring.

Which ring anyone gets is, of course, dependent on whether either of them makes a success out of the career paths that Danielle has so graciously piled into their laps.

The long and the short of it is that the kid can't sing. She's not terrible; she's 11. She just doesn't have any bright, shiny talent, or a particularly good voice. It made me mad that Danielle pushed that kid into doing this, because it will lead to a wildfire of disappointment, resentment, and embarrassment.

Meanwhile, back at the Manzo residence, Albie is not taking being kicked out of law school lightly. He is going to the police academy. I feel so relieved for Carolyn that she finally got some return on the investment she's made throwing all those lawn parties for the local sheriff. Albie is actually probably a great candidate for a cop, because he likes order and believes himself to be right all the time. I guess that he didn't get any law schools to bite on his letter from Seton Hall that stated that while that school didn't want him back, they weren't averse to anyone else having him. He's going to have to wait the mandatory two-year waiting period law schools supposedly have for people who flunk out. What? Surely there is a law school that would take Albie - unless there's more than he's telling us?

Apparently, Kim G bashed Danielle next week. That may be worth watching, or at last fast-forwarding through.

Real Housewives: Not-Very-Compelling Fashion

The show starts off with Carolyn making a show of sisterly support. Since her baby sister, Dina, opted to leave the show, Carolyn brings two more of her sisters, Frannie and Cookie to lunch. There she sets up her whine session about Albie being asked to leave law school.

Albie, it seems, has a learning disability, and got a 1.9 GPA for the year. Which means he probably got really low marks the first semester and really low marks the second semester. I actually don't know if he went to law school for two semesters, but it seems unlikely that any school would spring clean him after just one semester, unless he did just rotten (and yes, 1.9 is rotten).

So, now Carolyn notes that Albie has a learning disability and he told the school, but he didn't follow up to get any of the help offered to ensure he would get a better GPA than 1.9. That is what makes Albie's case "not a compelling argument." He told them, they said you'll need this, he didn't get the help, he saw himself failing (it could not have been a surprise, and yes - a D is not failing, but it's not enough to remain in school). The school, no doubt, is saying, "we gave you every tool to succeed, but you couldn't be bothered to do anything we suggested, so why should we give you a second chance?"

It's what happens. He's what - 23? This doesn't define his life.

I feel sorry for Carolyn because she's put all her Albie eggs in the law school dream. If Albie really didn't take it seriously, perhaps it is just the dream of lawyerdom and not the love of the law that spurred Albie to pursue this path. He needs to take a look at what he really wants to do and do it whole-heartedly next time.

Now for the set-up for the rest of the show. Carolyn has empty nest syndrome.

On to Jacqueline and Teresa having lunch with Kim D, who is the owners of the ridiculously named Posche boutique. She wants them to come to her fashion show. They haven't seen Kim D since she got wasted at Teresa's circus-mafia-glowing-drinks-themed housewarming party.

Both Jacqueline and Teresa have trepidation about Kim D because she hangs out sometimes with Danielle. Kim D explains that she doesn't put up with crap from anyone, let alone Danielle, and she is just exploring whether she can hang out with her. She not-so-gracefully sidestepped the direct question Teresa asked her about whether she talks about them when she's with Danielle, but Teresa just grimaced and was either placated or not taking the question to its obvious conclusion - an answer.

Kim D does make some nonsensical statement about not worrying about the "trust" word. She sees the opportunity to have the entire franchise at her fashion show, and she's not worried about a little drama.

Jacqueline, in Talking Head Mode, says that she has real issues with Danielle because Danielle "almost" called the cops on Jacqueline's obnoxious daughter, Ashley, who was in a text war with Danielle. And a Facebook war.

Kim D leaves the restaurant with a twirly good-bye and Jacqueline and Danielle hunker down to discuss what they will do about the fashion show. Jacqueline's instinct, which of course she will ignore, is to not go, because nothing good can come of going.

Teresa, who has hated Danielle with a table-throwing passion for quite some time, says the provocative statement of the day - something along the lines of, if she went to the fashion show and saw Danielle, she'd have to say hello to her. Because she's a nice person, and we all know she's like that.

So they agree to think about it. And we know that it's going to be Teresa who stirs the pot at the fashion show. Even though Ashley gets the citation, it's Teresa stirring the pot.

Meanwhile, Danielle is driving in a fury toward Posche, because she has found out that Kim D has invited Jacqueline and Teresa to the Posche fashion show, and she needs to find out why a friend would do her like that. She claims that 16 or so people texted her at once, which I find hard to believe, because she apparently uses a temp agency of unemployed moms in Martha Stewart costumes to fill her camera scenes. I don't think she could drum up 16 whole people who actually care about whether she's going to that fashion show or not.

She approaches Posche in her Range Rover (she's broke and owes the government big bucks), Chanel-logo earrings (can they be real? they are SO ugly in that way that it was ugly when people used to dress in head-to-toe Burberry costumes you knew Burberry never made), and a stinkin' attitude. She accosts the woman at the desk, who is rather rudely on the phone (I suspect with Kim D) and barely looks up for Danielle's outrage.

This may actually be a wise strategic move, because probably you don't want to look a Danielle right in the eyes.

Her daughter calls, and Danielle calls her "baby girl" about 42 times, and tells her she has a "situation."

No, Danielle, you do not have a situation. You have a question. And there's no reason that your children need to know about every little up and down you have with your little chums. Your children are not supposed to be your friends. They have six billion opportunities in the world to be friends with people, and only one opportunity to have a mother.

Danielle was mad about the fashion show, and now she is mad that she has been disrespected by the woman at the desk. She emulates how the woman held up one finger to tell her "one minute," so Danielle says she should have held up one finger as well to tell her that Danielle is definitely going to win the one-finger, which-finger game.

Suddenly, Danielle sweeps back into Posche and tells the desk woman to have Kim D call as soon as she returns, and sweeps out. Desk woman barely looks up, because she's nervous to be on camera, she's on the phone (I would bet, bet, bet anything she was on the phone with Kim D, giving her the play-by-play).

Danielle stomps out to her car and drives off, leaving me to wonder at the amount of time Danielle has to sweep in and out of strip mall boutiques to get things straight with their owners about their loyalties (money) and friendship (based on money and the chance to be on television).

Kim D comes back and she and her employees have a good giggle about Danielle and her wild demands for answers, and Kim D and her gum-chawing salesgirl Alina think it is all So Funny.

Danielle stomps back in and - suddenly, Talking Head Shot says, "Kim D has played me for the last time." Because of course she believes that Kim D actually cares what Danielle thinks. No, Kim D will sell Danielle the odd cheesy top and clunky bracelet, and she will smile to get her turn on camera - but there is nothing lovable or enjoyable about Danielle. After realizing that hanging out with Danielle only leads to talking about Danielle, talking about Danielle's enemies, and talking about how Danielle is mad at her enemies, you realize - hey, I am not having a good time

Softening her entrance with one of those I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation kind of lines "I've had a moment to cool off," Danielle enters the store and demands the desk woman's head. She complains that the woman was rude, and she complains that she is a money-paying customer (though Kim D said at a party several weeks ago that Danielle does not pay her bills on time).

Danielle apologizes for being offended, and Kim D said she was sorry that Danielle felt offended, and that it wasn't her, so what could she do (in other words, I am not firing my employee on your whim, you freak).
And then Danielle delivers a line that she must have used to manipulate someone else at some time, but I ask you - what does it mean? What the heck can this possibly mean???

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

What????

Repeat:

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

And Kim D says, "okay."

Danielle is shocked to receive this information, because a good friend (hint) would have said (hint) that she would drop all other customers to get Danielle's (hint) IOUs for tacky handbags and embellished T-shirts.

Danielle tries to push the issue some more, and Kim D asks Danielle to leave. So - you know there's going to be trouble. Gum-chawing salesgirl in her Charlie Brown shirt agrees that Danielle is a nutjob.

Talking Head Danielle vows that she won't support Kim D's tiny little boutique, and believe her, Kim D will miss her money. "Ah-ha-ha," said in creepy mode. "Bye-bye," she says is ulta-creepy baby-talk daddy-give-me-a-spanking mode.

Super creepy.

Now back to Carolyn. Albert, the husband, is going off to work and Carolyn is all lonely. With the dogs in this big house, and she wants Albert to retire so she'll have something to do. He's worked his tail off to get her everything she wants, he has his job and loves it, but she's lonely, so it's time for him to sacrifice.

Her husband is exhausted by her. I was exhausted by her, and I fast-forwarded through most of her whining.

Suddenly, the graceless Ashley appears in the Posche parking lot. And immediately, we know what has happened. As a final kick in the teeth to Danielle in this fashion show drama, Ashley (not Danielle's admittedly pretty daughter who got to be a model earlier in the season) is going to model in the Posche fashion show.

She stumbles into the store with her Dallas Cowboys jersey on, the same one she wears all the time, and shows off her purse dog. Instead of a new car and a purse dog, Ashley probably needs a job and twelve hours of classes at community college, because this idea that she is interesting in any way is silly: she has no life! How can she be interesting!

There is some more simpering among Ashley and the Posche people about how Danielle will be there (this will really tick her off! hee-hee!).

Then cut to Jacqueline and Teresa having a feisty, make-up laden workout followed by wine.

Kim D calls Danielle at home and says, let's not be silly and let's have a wonderful time at the fashion show. For a few minutes, they try to top each other with banal platitudes about how each of them was being the bigger person, and finally Kim D lays it all on the line, "This is about Posche. I have worked too hard for this."

Danielle gets a Talking Head moment, and in addition to saying that Kim D has invited all kinds of crazy to her fashion show, she also says that because the fashion show is at the country club in her town, nobody in their right mind will hurt her now.

What???

Carolyn meets with Teresa and Jacqueline to discuss the fashion show. Carolyn has told everyone in the past to avoid Danielle like the plague. After a few cocktails, however, and the thought that Jacqueline and Teresa have been invited to sit at Kim D's (the owner!) table, Carolyn decides that it would be super-cool to just let them live their life. Go to the fashion show! Plus, Ashley is modeling! Danielle put Ashley down! Go, Go already!

"Do not let her win. You win by doing nothing," says Carolyn. "This is a very volatile situation. Let's hope everybody behaves."

Next, Kim G shows up at Danielle's in her big black egg of a car, with a driver, wearing a dress she bought at Britney Spear's garage sale. Danielle is trying to be the ingenue, coyly asking Kim G which of two pairs of boots she should wear, and then blowing her mentee moment by adding, "I just want to be naked in these."

Now, Danielle is worried about Teresa attacking her. It was Ashley last week, but now it's Teresa.

Kim G tells her to shuddup. Danielle says it goes no further, zip her lips and forget the camera is on them...

Ashley is so excited. She's afraid of tripping. They are getting her ready, and they all giggle about Danielle some more.

Kim D loves the room, and Kim D says tactlessly that Ashley looks gorgeous, though it took the powers of the gods to get her there. Teresa and Jacqueline walk in, Teresa wearing the chinchilla jacket she bought on the show the day after her bankruptcy got announced, and Jacqueline wearing a fur shrug thing.

Everybody is talking about how it's going to be fun, fiercely avoiding the fact that it is not going to be fun. As a joke but really an "accident," Danielle is seated directly across the runway from Teresa and Danielle. Danielle has a new bodyguard, as if someone wants to put their hand on her person (ew). This time, it's not Danny, because he was so slimy and Kim G had issues with the fact that he threw f-bombs around a baby cancer fundraiser and threatened guests with cutlery.

Danielle showed up late, and rather than just sticking to the schedule, Kim D complains about how late she is.

Danielle is mad because Kim D has both Teresa and Jacqueline at her table. She doesn't blame Kim D because Kim D is the hostess, but instead she blames Teresa and Jacqueline for being desperate enough to befriend someone that was her friend. Then she turns on Kim D, because no one who is a friend of hers would break bread with people like them.

Carolyn opts to go to date night with Albert, during which she complains nonstop about the kids leaving.

I fast-forwarded. This is life. Kids grow up. She has a big house and gets to go to dinner once a week with her husband. Albert says maybe he'll do 12-hour days rather than 16-hour days. She wants him to take a weekend off once in a while. he says OK.

Back at the country club, Danielle is pretending to be on the phone and to read texts and refusing to clap. The phone trick she learned from Paris Hilton. "The ultimate diss had already been made, so my ultimate diss needed to begin."

Kim G tells her to quit it. Teresa and Jacqueline are liking the show, laughing about Danielle not looking with a big puss on her face. Kim G says it's bad manners, and Danielle vows that she doesn't care who and what is walking on that runway.

Until she sees Ashley.

When she sees Ashley, she's ticked. Why didn't her daughter get asked to model?

Ashley had been worried about tripping, and apparently Kim D at Posche was worried Ashley would trip, too, because she paired Ashley up with a guy to walk the runway.

"None of them know how to walk a runway, I'll tell you that," she says. Kim G says, well, of course, they're not professional models. Danielle leaps on that piece of gristle like a hound. "Oh, that's why they didn't want Christine. They wanted unprofessionals."

THAT'S when Danielle got pissed, because she wasn't AT ALL pissed before.

Ashley sits at the table with her mother and stares and does her sick little smile at Danielle. Ashley is like a serial killer, one who rubs it in your face. Danielle says that Ashley is just like her mother, great job, good parenting, awesome. Jacqueline tells Ashley to can the crap.

Jacqueline realizes that her daughter has gone missing, so she goes looking for her. She finds Teresa sitting in the hall. Teresa wants to say hi to Danielle after a few hours of sitting across the runway pretending Danielle didn't exist.

Danielle walks by with her Low-Rent Entourage, and Teresa says, "Danielle," as if she is surprised to find her in the same county. "Hi."

Danielle says hi and Teresa makes some banal conversation, then starts to drop little volleys of crap. Talking Head Danielle suspects that Teresa is not genuine. Regular screen Danielle says I am leaving. Teresa says what, you're running away? Why are you running away? Danielle is gone, and Teresa gets comfort from Jacqueline telling her that Teresa had done a nice thing. Kim G says, no, Danielle come back, I'm here, let's talk. Teresa wants to know if Danielle heard that Teresa's daughter Gia was in fashion week, she heard Christine was? No? No hello, nothing? Congratulations, Danielle says unconvincingly to Teresa. Congratulations to your daughter as well, Teresa says equally unconvincingly. Teresa keeps upping the ante, and Danielle says she doesn't feel like this is a friendly conversation. Teresa says you know I'm really a sweet person,I am the sweetest, nicest person and everybody knows that, right? and Danielle says no, this is news to her. Teresa explains that yes, Teresa behaved badly toward Danielle in the past, but that was all Danielle's fault.  Teresa says something, something honey, and Danielle says, don't call me honey, and Teresa says, "Okay, is bitch better?"

And from here, next week, all hell is gonna break loose.

This was Teresa's fault. And next week, someone is gonna get arrested. But at least Teresa can cling to her $3,333 per episode, so that she can start paying back her creditors.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Ashley Needs a Good Smack

Last week, I was almost beside myself because Danielle Staub's actions were so unbelievably infuriating. Bringing a cartload of sickly-looking (and whatever they have looks catching) and badly dressed hoodlum errand boys to protect her while she was attending a cancer fundraiser for a sick baby? Each of whom did the prison shower-shoe shuffle rather than actually walking and each of whom made vaguely threatening or distasteful comments about people who weren't in the room while Danielle (who also has her own version of shower-shoe shuffle) smiled like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth (probably not, with all the artificial material that makes up her face) and said "I'm being protected, here! Watch it!"

This week, it was boring and maddening to watch Danielle completely ignore the also-vile Kim G (and Kim G's mother-in-law Edna Garrett from the Facts of Life who, btw, looks much younger than Kim G herself) corner Danielle at her Big Girl Birthday Party to tell her that last week's behavior was Oh-So-Unsavory - Kim G was actually going on and on about whether Danielle had invited the hideous Andy Gibberish Danny as her "escort," as if Kim G was some delicate Southern flower rather than a woman who had stood idly by at a party while Hell's Angels moved menacingly through the crowd, people wielding forks threatened to use them as weapons and the irrepressible Danny (whom Richard Lawson over at Gawker brilliantly calls "Scraps") called her son's best friend a spineless fag*ot. Yes.

THAT Kim G.

Kim G's mother-in-law could barely keep the smile off her face while she put in her two cents about how bad Danielle's behavior was. You could just see that if she were an extra on a real show, instead of an extra on a reality show, they would have to fire her because she would have to keep trying her line over and over again because she kept cracking up. "I love you but I have to talk to you," is I believe how she put it.

Danielle started crying and said the friend of my enemy is my enemy, and said, no! I am a gay advocate (by which she means she has heard this is a good thing to be) and he was not calling an actually fag*ot a fa*got, just that 20-year-old kid to whom I had already given an f-u moment - her actual words, but spelled out - by walking up to him and shaking his hand (but in a I-got-you kind of way). She started crying and being a victim because you can never, ever be Danielle's friend if you disagree with her idea of what is appropriate behavior. So Kim G and her mother (Edna Garrett) back down and let Danielle go on and on with her delusional version of victimization, and you could see in their eyes that they were done. They might still hang around her, but they know that she's a complete nutter and they really, really don't see any point in getting in any deeper. They might get in longer, but not deeper.

And knowing they were done, I was so happy to realize that I also am done. This character is too vile and too unchangeable to be actually interesting. She's done the most interesting thing she ever can. And now we're done.

It was kind of a yawn to watch Danielle buy Danny (her male alter ago) a suit (or more likely get one free from the stupid man who thought this would bring good publicity for his business). The prison and courtroom humor wasn't funny and showed a kind of nose-thumbing to any laws they broke or time they served. It was a big adolescent joke, like when Robert Downey, Jr. asked Jodie Foster to put money on his books.

That's not what you call moving away from your past.

It was also a yawn, but a really annoying one, to watch Dina go to tell Danielle she is out of her life. I never understood that - first of all, it wasn't like Danielle and Dina were super-close and the cord needed to be cut. The cord was cut a long time ago, and to bring it up again is just pretty harsh. It's the kind of  "I need closure so I don't give a damn how this impacts you, because this is about me."

I actually had a friend who had an imagined fight with me last year, and when she apologized and said it wasn't about me, it was about her, I ended the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is only ever going to see things from her own point of view. Maybe this was the idea that Dina had when she set out on this mission, but it all seemed backward and over the top since she hadn't been seeing Danielle as a friend. Though she said on her blog that she was always texting supportive things to Danielle - but again, a text does not a relationship make.

So - this week's horror show was watered-down and blech. Except for Ashley. Ashley is a not-too-bright teenager with a doughy body and a doughy brain. By "doughy," I am not talking about Ashley's ready access to food. I am talking about Ashley's obvious conviction that there is no reason in the world that she should ever do any kind of work or behave like a decent young lady or be grateful for any of the vast riches that she has in the world.

By which, I mean, her car. Because really, she doesn't have anything else.

Her parents have not done much to spur Ashley to work or go to college or do anything productive. They do pay for her automobile and they give her money for her clothes and haircuts and pizza.

So what does Ashley do with her spare time?

She fights with Danielle online.

Of course, Danielle takes every little comment and makes it into something it's not. Her reality is truly frightening, because she's a psychopath. Ashley says something along the lines of we all know where you're going...to HELL and in Danielle's weird mind, somehow this is a death threat. "Like what, I'm going to hell now?"

(Which could have just been a realization that she has a lot of repenting to do, pronto.)

So Jacqueline, Ashley's mother, goes to lunch with her friend Teresa and she decides that rather than staying home and calling her daughter on the carpet, she will stay at lunch and eat orange soup and drink wine and then question her about whether it's true that she made a terroristic threat to Danielle. To which Ashley responds, "Do I look like a person who could kill a person?"

To which I immediately thought, yes, yes you do.

Ashley thought this was a big lark, even when her boyfriend (and how lucky she is to have a boyfriend, because I don't see what she really has to offer) told her to cool it. In fact, immediately after speaking to her mother, who told her to stop posting on Facebook - the battleground for this war - Ashley posted on Facebook to tell everyone that Danielle had signed out a warrant for her arrest (which, by the way, was not true at that time - Ashley was trying to influence her friends to hate Danielle even more). Jacqueline called her and told her to take it down NOW, but Ashley just smiled that insipid Ashley smile and made it all out to be a big joke to which only she knew the punchline.

Then at a big Family Dinner, Ashley brought up the Danielle issue to her entire extended family, because she wanted everyone to laugh and tell her how cute she was being and how stupid her parents were for not seeing how Very Right Ashley Was. Because her parents had told her not to tell anyone. Ashley made a crack about Danielle that was pretty ugly, but which was also the kind of thing that drunk people laugh at. Even her stepfather laughed, which Ashely took to mean that she was utterly adorable and she should keep doing it, only faster and harder.

So - what Ashley is missing, of course, is any kind of accountability. Presumably she is mad because Danielle said she had fat arms and called her a bad name, but rather than just brushing it off, she took it several steps too far. And now she has a criminal record.

So - when your daughter can't control herself and when she believes that she needs to fight your on-screen wars, does that mean it's time to get off the TV?

As for Teresa and her bankruptcy, no surprise there. What is a surprise is that they only claimed $79K of income last year, which wouldn't pay the mortgage for one of their houses, let alone all four of them. Or the clothes that she buys her daughters with the deluded notion that she is making them "fabulous" instead of "ridiculous." I am sorry for her - I think she really made herself believe that her poor daughter would become a star and slot them right into a Child Star Parents Life. And that her book would be such a hit that it would completely get them out of debt. Now it's time to pay the piper - and I hope she does, with humility and grace, rather than martyrdom and tears.