Real Housewives: Did Danielle REALLY Bring the Cameras to Her Daughter's First OB/GYN Appointment???

Last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey showed exactly how tasteless this show is, how far it's jumped over the shark, and how the majority of these people are either entrapped in a bubble of tackiness from which they will never emerge or just plain stupid.

First off, we see Teresa planning her daughter's christening. Christenings are a big deal for Italian families, but most Italian families take the baby to church and then meet everybody back home for a giant feast. Most people don't have a pseudo-wedding for a christening. Certainly most people who have declared bankruptcy in recent days don't have a pseudo-wedding for a christening.

All I can hope is that Dina as the godmother (and part of the Manzo family that owns the Brownstone, where the palatial event was held) paid, or that Bravo paid. Either way, it was an exercise in poor judgment to see these people flaunt even imaginary wealth in front of the cameras considering the amount of their debt ($11 million) compared to their annual salary ($79K).

Teresa wants ice sculptures spelling out her kid's name, and maybe a cross - after all, it is a religious occasion. Oh, yeah - and an open bar. Christopher, the younger Manzo son who used to be known as a loser but now just seems to be one of the goombah kids that doesn't go to college but probably will make more money than any of his friends who went to college, even if a lot of it is under the table, runs the event and takes the order. He has patterned himself after Christopher on The Sopranos and it works well for him. You just know that this is going to be a big, tacky party and you thank God that Dina, who does over-the-top parties that nevertheless have some degree of prettiness, is going to do the decorating - and when you think of Dina doing the decorating, you again hope that Teresa is not paying for this.

The paying thing keeps coming at you in ever-stronger waves, in large part because Joe, Teresa's husband, is standing there like a guy in an ad for depression medication. He is the perfect picture of misery in a spit-colored sweater that almost hangs on his paunchy frame. All he does is keep telling Christopher to make it nice but not too nice.

Joe is in big trouble with alleged forgery and mortgage fraud, a DUI, and bankruptcy. You know he wants to lay low on the spending front, but his wife no doubt convinced him to fork out for this event by saying that someone else would help with the bills (which, by the way, counts as income) and that the rest of their three daughters had big, weddingish christening parties and do you want her to think in 10 years' time that they don't love her as much?

So she just keeps saying that she wants it "nice," by which she means the sky's the limit, and he just keeps saying "not too nice," which means a hunk of Velveeta, some crackers, some pimentos, and a cash bar. Joe, however, is too bowled over by his own misery; at this point, he's just an empty vehicle, and Teresa is driving him like a tank through the Field of Pretty Things where she buys her leopard-spotted and rhinestone bedazzled stretch pants.

And you think it can't get any worse until they get to the next scene, in which Danielle is taking her 16-year-old daughter to the gynecologist. On television. With cameras.

Of all the things I didn't know I was supposed to be grateful for - who knew that I should be on my hands and knees thanking my mother for not making my first OB/GYN visit a national event? I mean, who knew???

And what doctor does this? Well, Dr. Domnitz, who is Danielle's gynecologist - a job that I imagine would be like that guy climbing through sewer pipes in The Shawshank Redemption - does this. You see, Dr. Domnitz must have gotten some money from the friendly makers of the HPV virus vaccine, so he wants to tell the world. And what he wants to tell Danielle's daughter, who is very quiet about whether or not she's going to have sex or currently has sex or whatever, is that probably some day she's going to have sex, so she may as well get the shot as soon as possible.

In the meantime, Danielle is trying as hard as she can to interject her vast repertoire of sexual knowledge into the doctor's lecture. She asks about oral sex, and the doctor talks about genital warts. Danielle talks about how gross sex is, and her daughter says that maybe Danielle should get an HPV shot. Danielle says she doesn't date, which is incredible, since of course Danielle has just released the second of her sex tapes in as many years. Or maybe in one year. Danielle's daughter is no dummy, so she tells her mom to go get the HPV shot anyway.

Then over to the appetizer before the big serving of Kim G Getting Mad at Danielle. Caroline's son Christopher, the one from the Brownstone, is best friends with Kim G's son. Kim G is friends with Danielle, so Caroline doesn't want anything to do with her. This makes Kim G very determined to get in good with Caroline, so she tells Christopher to set up a lunch. She won't take no for an answer. "Just get it done," she says. Christopher just kind of sits there with his hands between his knees; what's he going to do? His mother is not going to be swayed by any pretty pleasing. The only thing that will turn Caroline around is if Kim G has a giant fight with Danielle and Caroline gets to say that she knew this would happen all along.

So, naturally, this is the way it's going to go down.

Again, we go to the Marble McManse to see Teresa dressing her girls up in $700 dresses for the baby sister's christening. "You need some bracelets," she says. The whole thing looks like they are the extras for a bad made for TV movie about the 1930s, right before the Crash.

Which actually holds water.

While Theresa is running around in her blue leopard-spotted flannel PJs getting the girls ready, Joe is downstairs in his sad ecru undershirt disconsolately eating coffee cake. He doesn't know that it's coffee cake; he just knows that it's something to put in his mouth over and over again, which keeps him from absolutely having  to run to the front-facing garage to kill himself with car fumes.

Despite the fact that there's some kind of familial company downstairs, Teresa keeps running around in her PJs and Joe keeps eating cake. Finally, Teresa makes Joe get up to zip up her completely-inappropriate-for-church cocktail dress. Dina comes by and puts on a bedazzled and bepearled christening dress on the baby. The dress also includes a giant millinery flower smack in the middle of the baby's chest, where it can catch drool and other body fluids - upchucked formula, half-gummed Cheerios, etc. Standing in Teresa's bedroom with a hired photographer and videographer, Teresa gets the godmother Dina and the godfather Somebody Else and they all take formal pictures. Joe moans and whines the entire time. The money is being spent and everyone knows that they're broke and he doesn't think this is so much fun, but Teresa went and did it anyway and now he's going to rain feces all over her parade. He finally shoves the baby back at her and says he has something up his nose.

Excellent that the videographer got that.

So Joe drives them to the church in his Escalade or whatever the heck he drives. The entire time he's driving, he gives it to Teresa. He tells her how many photos he's going to allow her to have taken, tells her that she is not allowed to throw any more parties, that she should shop at the $5 shoe factory they pass on the road (my husband, were we that broke, would not countenance any kind of shopping at all, even $5 shoes), and then Teresa whines that in the past, Joe never knew what she spent, because she used to just write the checks. He says, well, now you don't have a checkbook anymore.

Again with the pictures - he's taking two pictures. The light hurts his eyes.

Then over to the fake Kim G's house. Kim G has a house that looks like a very, very large tract-style home: no real quality, but a lot of it. Danielle is coming over, with that weird wearing-sweater-over-her-hands thing she does, and Kim G tells her how pretty she looks in her purple. In addition to her Barney sweater, Danielle is wearing what looks like an old shawl that's been shredded through years of use and possible cat fights. With actual cats.

They schmooze about how much they love each other, how much they love Kim G's house, how much they love having girlfriends that are the same size. Danielle gets a talking head moment, and she talks about how Kim G is a very respected and very wealthy woman in the community, and you can tell that Danielle equates the wealthy with respected. It's all the same to Danielle. And she loves Kim G's house.

Danielle says Kim G is her dearest friend, an unexpected welcome surprise, they had some fights, and then they Kim G interjects that now they're better, because Kim G doesn't want to go back there to the fighting parts. Danielle starts talking about her adopted mom and how she meant well even though she was never as good a mom as Danielle and Kim G are. Then she talks about her birth mom who had her when she was 15 and says she wants to smell her mother. I want to smell my mother, she says, and you know that she's read in a book that smells bring you home and that she thinks it will look as if she's looking for home and won't that be touching if only she can smell her mother.

Kim G says "oh, boy," in that way that you say "oh, boy" when you know that someone is putting you on but that you can't call it for what it is. Kim says she knows someone who might be able to help, adding that she loves Danielle, and Danielle goes all weepy because "after all, who doesn't want to hear that they're loved?"

She adds that in the next life, one of them has to be a man, and then the circle of love will be complete.

On to the church. The Catholics apparently wouldn't let the Bravo cameras into the church, so Teresa's videographer watched the baby get sprinkled. Even Joe was a little happy. The baby did have a ridiculous blingy pacifier.

They go for cocktail hour at the Brownstone, where Caroline and Christopher mention that this party is bigger than a wedding. Teresa got a talking head moment, and she said that Christopher was her "bitch" for the night, which she meant as a compliment. Dina did a nice job on the decorations, and everybody was happy to have Dina back. Dina apparently left the show because Danielle stalked her and told Dina's ex-husband not to pay Dina any child support anymore. But she's back for the christening, and it's pretty over-the-top.

Joe and Teresa have a first dance with the baby, the two of them jogging their hips on the dance floor holding the baby. Joe, being human, got weepy and proud. He loves his baby; he just seems sick of his wife. Everybody cried at the first dance, even Caroline, who at first was saying that it was insanity. Jacqueline, who was out of most of this episode, was weeping and hugging her horrible puglike daughter Ashley.

Theresa says in another talking head moment that there are more than 200 people there that night, drinking,m dancing, etc. No mention is made of the fact that they just had a housewarming from hell party, complete with Idiot Party Planner Elvira, and why didn't they work it so that the two parties were combined?

At the end, Teresa is hanging all over Joe in the glow of party success, and she asks him if it was worth it. He nicely tells her that she did a good job, and she throws in that this is the last christening, and he looks stunned. And she says what? You don't like taking pictures? And then he's kind of mad, because she's posing the question of whether they'll try for his much-wanted son under the guise of him being grouchy about posing for pictures and paying mammoth christening party bills. It was a screw you moment covered up with smiles and lipstick, kind of like when she baited Danielle at the country club.

He says he's going home, and she's surprised. He says he doesn't want to see the bill. He's unhappy and miserable and mad, yet Teresa keeps partying into the night, party, party, party while her husband faces prison and losing everything and on top of that the humiliation of having been a sham this entire time, not the earner and provider he wanted to look like.

Cut to Danielle taking her daughters to some diner. They talk about the older one's Sweet 16 party funded in last week's episode by Bravo (the mysterious charity Sweet 16) but not about the OB/GYN visit, and then the older one mentions that someone in town heard from someone who told someone that they heard from Teresa that Danielle is looking for her birth mother.

And Danielle gets MAD.

Only Kim G knows that! If she wanted to tell the girls, she'd tell them! It's her deepest most innermost secret! How dare Theresa be talking about it and laughing about it, the way she did when she attacked Danielle that time at the country club! That's it! I can't talk about this in front of you girls!

So she goes outside the diner and she stands right in  the window in front of the girls and she calls her guy buddy, Danny Provolone, who used to be in prison but is out now and tells him everything, knowing that he needs to eat out of her garbage can and therefore will validate every last thing she says.

You bitch! she says in her talking head. You f-in bitch for letting my daughters find out this way.

The daughters, by the way, were completely nonplussed by the news that their mother was looking for her birth mother. Seriously, they didn't stop shoveling down French fries or swilling chocolate milkshakes for five seconds. They are so used to everything their mother doing being a major pronouncement - I am going to the toilet must be said with the gravitas of Al Gore or Oprah Winfrey - that really, they've been able to take in any pronouncement ranging from I am looking for my birth mother to Is oral sex safe? without batting an eyelash. No reaction.

Danielle adds that even the most evil of evil people would know that this is crossing the line. Because any time you cross Danielle, you've crossed the line.

Danny tells her that he'll stand by her however she is going to handle this, like maybe if Danielle asks, he'll whack Kim G.

Meanwhile, it's the day or so after the christening, and Caroline and Christopher are at the Brownstone. Christopher broaches the idea of Caroline going to lunch with Kim G if the two sons accompany them. Caroline says that she is not interested in a friendship with Kim G because Kim G escorted Danielle to the courthouse when she filed charges against the repugnant Ashley. Caroline took that as not a show of friendship for Danielle so much as a statement of enmity against Ashley, and therefore the Manzos. She's not interested, though she remarks that Kim G will someday get her uh-oh moment with Danielle. She doesn't say she's looking forward to it, but you can tell she is. Because Caroline, the most reserved and wisest of the housewives, enjoys the role of being the most reserved and wisest of the housewives. She watched herself in earlier shows and realized she came off as a big, thumping, mafia-sounding Goombah. Now she's gonna be a lady, and don't you forget it.

"It not about you, it's about your relationship with Danielle," Caroline says sagely to the cameras. "Let's not get the two confused."

Actually, since Kim G has professed long-lasting love and friendship with Danielle, it is actually kind of about Kim G, since Caroline's refusal to see her is based on what Caroline considers the poor life choices being made by Kim G.

But next scene, Kim G goes running over to Jacqueline's house (she was just passing and had to stop because she lives next door, which actually means that she ran over from the house) and starts dropping curse words like big nuclear weapons all over Jacqueline's clean hand-scraped floors. Jacqueline is holding her baby, but Kim G is cradling her anger. She's very mad, and she wants everyone to know it.

Which is why she ran over the Jacqueline's: in two minutes, Jacqueline will tell her Facebook-happy daughter and the news will be all over the Internet.

Kim G knows that Danielle found out that Kim G was gossiping about Danielle's Birth Mother Quest, and in an effort to look like the righteous one, she is going to get the news to the Manzos first. This way, she looks as if she herself called off the friendship, not Danielle. In this, Kim G believes that she will be saving face.

Jacqueline is ridiculous to let Kim G in the house: this is, after all, the woman who accompanied Danielle to the courthouse when Danielle filed charges against Jacqueline's daughter, Ashley. Even if Ashley deserved an assault charge for what was, after all, assault, you don't consort with the one who helped filed the charges against your offspring!

Kim G is in high dudgeon, and she wants everyone to know that everybody was right and Danielle is evil. Kim G was only fooled because she is so trusting and caring. But now, Danielle has been emailing people and telling them not to be friends with Kim G. Kim G says that she did everything for Danielle, letting her use her driver, going to the pharmacy for her children, picking up restaurant tabs, but of course never mentioning that she spilled the beans about Danielle's private, personal business to all and sundry.

She says that you can't reason with Danielle. Everything that Jacqueline already knows.

But Kim G doesn't get what she wants from Jacqueline because Jacqueline says that Kim G has been behaving in a two-faced way and that she should have always been honest with Danielle if she was going to behave as her friend. And then Kim G goes a step out - she rants that no one wants to be her friend anymore since she started hanging out with Danielle. Jacqueline doesn't like her, Theresa doesn't like her, Caroline won't have lunch with her (the all-important lunch with Caroline once more raising its ugly head, perhaps because Danielle is moving and maybe she won't be on the show anymore and maybe nobody will care if old, two-faced Kim G isn't on the show, too). So, says Kim G, Tell the girls: I'm done with her.

Kim of course hopes that this declaration will lead to a wine-infused powwow with the Manzos and Theresa in the comfort of Caroline's kitchen, preferably while sitting at the big granite island.

Next scene, we see Danny over at Danielle's. Danielle is dressed like an invalid, and she clings to Danny like he's the body of two frozen seamen and her only hope to escape the wreckage of the Titanic is to drift away on their rafty floatiness. She talks about what a victim she is, and how Kim G probably only did this to set her up in an elaborate bid to become friends with the Manzos (wrong - she did it to be on television) and then adds that these were the monsters, the animals, the evil ones who attacked her at the country club. Her vulnerable victim pose is lessened somewhat by her continuous stream of profanity.

She decides that the only thing she can do is have it out face-to-face with Kim G. Because she is hurt and a victim, Danny drives her. And waits ominously in the leased Range Rover while she goes in to have lunch with Kim G.

Kim G is poised for a fight. She knows she was an evil gossip-whore, but she believes that she will get away with it because Danielle is such a freak show herself. The really sad part is that Kim G keeps forgetting that the cameras record stuff. So even if Danielle is a freak show with a personality disorder and a high degree of personal skankiness, everyone will see that Kim G in fact was a lying, backstabbing backstabber-liar. Because the cameras recorded it.

Danielle is straight to the point. Her daughter has heard through the grapevine that Kim G told Theresa that Danielle is looking for her biological mother. I know you talk to them, she says. Kim G doesn't have the grace to look sheepish. She confirms Danielle's suspicions as if she, Kim G, had never withheld this fact before. Absolutely. Danielle said that Kim should have known better than to talk about something so personal to Danielle to those animals. And Kim G glosses right over this very true point. You know, Danielle, I don't have a beef with those women: you do. Sometimes in situations with you, it's been very uncomfortable.

Roll footage of Danielle thinking she was Mariah Carey at a baby cancer fundraiser, dropping by with an entourage that included about 20 people who were not invited to the do, all of them looking menacing and threatening patrons with forks and using profanity and being rude about Christopher Manzo, the 20-year-old kid who at that time was just a humble valet in the parking lot. Roll more footage of Danielle crying over people talking about the Manzos at her birthday party and accusing everyone of not liking her and being disloyal.

Danielle is not a class act. But Kim G is a really classless act. Had Kim G disengaged herself from Danielle immediately after any of the incidents which she now brings up as examples of why she had to be a disloyal friend to Danielle, it would have been fine. But she put up with those incidents, which made her complicit in them. She can't use Danielle's bad behavior in the past as a reason to treat her badly after them.

Kim G has the whole thing figured out. She knows that Danielle is going to create a scene. Already people at the restaurant are gaping and pointing. Danielle wins arguments by being loud - people just give in to shut her up. So Kim G is determined that she will be way louder than Danielle. She will give as good as she gets, and then some. And she plays for the cameras, dropping f-bombs a-go-go. She calls Danielle sneaky, jealous, disloyal and says that everyone is right about Danielle. She says Danielle has no friends, calls her a pathetic old lady and then rings the big bell by screaming loudly, publicly, about Danielle's much-discussed square tits. If someone has said it about Danielle before, Kim G is gonna say it again - this time, with loudness.

They are a sensation. A group of ladies having lunch are entranced and entertained by the scene. Danny drives up to collect Danielle from the screaming, pointing banshee that is Kim G. Danielle lobs off a lame, "Go be with your friends, bitch."

Next week, Joe gets his DUI, and they all go to Venice.

Real Housewives: Not-Very-Compelling Fashion

The show starts off with Carolyn making a show of sisterly support. Since her baby sister, Dina, opted to leave the show, Carolyn brings two more of her sisters, Frannie and Cookie to lunch. There she sets up her whine session about Albie being asked to leave law school.

Albie, it seems, has a learning disability, and got a 1.9 GPA for the year. Which means he probably got really low marks the first semester and really low marks the second semester. I actually don't know if he went to law school for two semesters, but it seems unlikely that any school would spring clean him after just one semester, unless he did just rotten (and yes, 1.9 is rotten).

So, now Carolyn notes that Albie has a learning disability and he told the school, but he didn't follow up to get any of the help offered to ensure he would get a better GPA than 1.9. That is what makes Albie's case "not a compelling argument." He told them, they said you'll need this, he didn't get the help, he saw himself failing (it could not have been a surprise, and yes - a D is not failing, but it's not enough to remain in school). The school, no doubt, is saying, "we gave you every tool to succeed, but you couldn't be bothered to do anything we suggested, so why should we give you a second chance?"

It's what happens. He's what - 23? This doesn't define his life.

I feel sorry for Carolyn because she's put all her Albie eggs in the law school dream. If Albie really didn't take it seriously, perhaps it is just the dream of lawyerdom and not the love of the law that spurred Albie to pursue this path. He needs to take a look at what he really wants to do and do it whole-heartedly next time.

Now for the set-up for the rest of the show. Carolyn has empty nest syndrome.

On to Jacqueline and Teresa having lunch with Kim D, who is the owners of the ridiculously named Posche boutique. She wants them to come to her fashion show. They haven't seen Kim D since she got wasted at Teresa's circus-mafia-glowing-drinks-themed housewarming party.

Both Jacqueline and Teresa have trepidation about Kim D because she hangs out sometimes with Danielle. Kim D explains that she doesn't put up with crap from anyone, let alone Danielle, and she is just exploring whether she can hang out with her. She not-so-gracefully sidestepped the direct question Teresa asked her about whether she talks about them when she's with Danielle, but Teresa just grimaced and was either placated or not taking the question to its obvious conclusion - an answer.

Kim D does make some nonsensical statement about not worrying about the "trust" word. She sees the opportunity to have the entire franchise at her fashion show, and she's not worried about a little drama.

Jacqueline, in Talking Head Mode, says that she has real issues with Danielle because Danielle "almost" called the cops on Jacqueline's obnoxious daughter, Ashley, who was in a text war with Danielle. And a Facebook war.

Kim D leaves the restaurant with a twirly good-bye and Jacqueline and Danielle hunker down to discuss what they will do about the fashion show. Jacqueline's instinct, which of course she will ignore, is to not go, because nothing good can come of going.

Teresa, who has hated Danielle with a table-throwing passion for quite some time, says the provocative statement of the day - something along the lines of, if she went to the fashion show and saw Danielle, she'd have to say hello to her. Because she's a nice person, and we all know she's like that.

So they agree to think about it. And we know that it's going to be Teresa who stirs the pot at the fashion show. Even though Ashley gets the citation, it's Teresa stirring the pot.

Meanwhile, Danielle is driving in a fury toward Posche, because she has found out that Kim D has invited Jacqueline and Teresa to the Posche fashion show, and she needs to find out why a friend would do her like that. She claims that 16 or so people texted her at once, which I find hard to believe, because she apparently uses a temp agency of unemployed moms in Martha Stewart costumes to fill her camera scenes. I don't think she could drum up 16 whole people who actually care about whether she's going to that fashion show or not.

She approaches Posche in her Range Rover (she's broke and owes the government big bucks), Chanel-logo earrings (can they be real? they are SO ugly in that way that it was ugly when people used to dress in head-to-toe Burberry costumes you knew Burberry never made), and a stinkin' attitude. She accosts the woman at the desk, who is rather rudely on the phone (I suspect with Kim D) and barely looks up for Danielle's outrage.

This may actually be a wise strategic move, because probably you don't want to look a Danielle right in the eyes.

Her daughter calls, and Danielle calls her "baby girl" about 42 times, and tells her she has a "situation."

No, Danielle, you do not have a situation. You have a question. And there's no reason that your children need to know about every little up and down you have with your little chums. Your children are not supposed to be your friends. They have six billion opportunities in the world to be friends with people, and only one opportunity to have a mother.

Danielle was mad about the fashion show, and now she is mad that she has been disrespected by the woman at the desk. She emulates how the woman held up one finger to tell her "one minute," so Danielle says she should have held up one finger as well to tell her that Danielle is definitely going to win the one-finger, which-finger game.

Suddenly, Danielle sweeps back into Posche and tells the desk woman to have Kim D call as soon as she returns, and sweeps out. Desk woman barely looks up, because she's nervous to be on camera, she's on the phone (I would bet, bet, bet anything she was on the phone with Kim D, giving her the play-by-play).

Danielle stomps out to her car and drives off, leaving me to wonder at the amount of time Danielle has to sweep in and out of strip mall boutiques to get things straight with their owners about their loyalties (money) and friendship (based on money and the chance to be on television).

Kim D comes back and she and her employees have a good giggle about Danielle and her wild demands for answers, and Kim D and her gum-chawing salesgirl Alina think it is all So Funny.

Danielle stomps back in and - suddenly, Talking Head Shot says, "Kim D has played me for the last time." Because of course she believes that Kim D actually cares what Danielle thinks. No, Kim D will sell Danielle the odd cheesy top and clunky bracelet, and she will smile to get her turn on camera - but there is nothing lovable or enjoyable about Danielle. After realizing that hanging out with Danielle only leads to talking about Danielle, talking about Danielle's enemies, and talking about how Danielle is mad at her enemies, you realize - hey, I am not having a good time

Softening her entrance with one of those I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation kind of lines "I've had a moment to cool off," Danielle enters the store and demands the desk woman's head. She complains that the woman was rude, and she complains that she is a money-paying customer (though Kim D said at a party several weeks ago that Danielle does not pay her bills on time).

Danielle apologizes for being offended, and Kim D said she was sorry that Danielle felt offended, and that it wasn't her, so what could she do (in other words, I am not firing my employee on your whim, you freak).
And then Danielle delivers a line that she must have used to manipulate someone else at some time, but I ask you - what does it mean? What the heck can this possibly mean???

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

What????

Repeat:

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

And Kim D says, "okay."

Danielle is shocked to receive this information, because a good friend (hint) would have said (hint) that she would drop all other customers to get Danielle's (hint) IOUs for tacky handbags and embellished T-shirts.

Danielle tries to push the issue some more, and Kim D asks Danielle to leave. So - you know there's going to be trouble. Gum-chawing salesgirl in her Charlie Brown shirt agrees that Danielle is a nutjob.

Talking Head Danielle vows that she won't support Kim D's tiny little boutique, and believe her, Kim D will miss her money. "Ah-ha-ha," said in creepy mode. "Bye-bye," she says is ulta-creepy baby-talk daddy-give-me-a-spanking mode.

Super creepy.

Now back to Carolyn. Albert, the husband, is going off to work and Carolyn is all lonely. With the dogs in this big house, and she wants Albert to retire so she'll have something to do. He's worked his tail off to get her everything she wants, he has his job and loves it, but she's lonely, so it's time for him to sacrifice.

Her husband is exhausted by her. I was exhausted by her, and I fast-forwarded through most of her whining.

Suddenly, the graceless Ashley appears in the Posche parking lot. And immediately, we know what has happened. As a final kick in the teeth to Danielle in this fashion show drama, Ashley (not Danielle's admittedly pretty daughter who got to be a model earlier in the season) is going to model in the Posche fashion show.

She stumbles into the store with her Dallas Cowboys jersey on, the same one she wears all the time, and shows off her purse dog. Instead of a new car and a purse dog, Ashley probably needs a job and twelve hours of classes at community college, because this idea that she is interesting in any way is silly: she has no life! How can she be interesting!

There is some more simpering among Ashley and the Posche people about how Danielle will be there (this will really tick her off! hee-hee!).

Then cut to Jacqueline and Teresa having a feisty, make-up laden workout followed by wine.

Kim D calls Danielle at home and says, let's not be silly and let's have a wonderful time at the fashion show. For a few minutes, they try to top each other with banal platitudes about how each of them was being the bigger person, and finally Kim D lays it all on the line, "This is about Posche. I have worked too hard for this."

Danielle gets a Talking Head moment, and in addition to saying that Kim D has invited all kinds of crazy to her fashion show, she also says that because the fashion show is at the country club in her town, nobody in their right mind will hurt her now.

What???

Carolyn meets with Teresa and Jacqueline to discuss the fashion show. Carolyn has told everyone in the past to avoid Danielle like the plague. After a few cocktails, however, and the thought that Jacqueline and Teresa have been invited to sit at Kim D's (the owner!) table, Carolyn decides that it would be super-cool to just let them live their life. Go to the fashion show! Plus, Ashley is modeling! Danielle put Ashley down! Go, Go already!

"Do not let her win. You win by doing nothing," says Carolyn. "This is a very volatile situation. Let's hope everybody behaves."

Next, Kim G shows up at Danielle's in her big black egg of a car, with a driver, wearing a dress she bought at Britney Spear's garage sale. Danielle is trying to be the ingenue, coyly asking Kim G which of two pairs of boots she should wear, and then blowing her mentee moment by adding, "I just want to be naked in these."

Now, Danielle is worried about Teresa attacking her. It was Ashley last week, but now it's Teresa.

Kim G tells her to shuddup. Danielle says it goes no further, zip her lips and forget the camera is on them...

Ashley is so excited. She's afraid of tripping. They are getting her ready, and they all giggle about Danielle some more.

Kim D loves the room, and Kim D says tactlessly that Ashley looks gorgeous, though it took the powers of the gods to get her there. Teresa and Jacqueline walk in, Teresa wearing the chinchilla jacket she bought on the show the day after her bankruptcy got announced, and Jacqueline wearing a fur shrug thing.

Everybody is talking about how it's going to be fun, fiercely avoiding the fact that it is not going to be fun. As a joke but really an "accident," Danielle is seated directly across the runway from Teresa and Danielle. Danielle has a new bodyguard, as if someone wants to put their hand on her person (ew). This time, it's not Danny, because he was so slimy and Kim G had issues with the fact that he threw f-bombs around a baby cancer fundraiser and threatened guests with cutlery.

Danielle showed up late, and rather than just sticking to the schedule, Kim D complains about how late she is.

Danielle is mad because Kim D has both Teresa and Jacqueline at her table. She doesn't blame Kim D because Kim D is the hostess, but instead she blames Teresa and Jacqueline for being desperate enough to befriend someone that was her friend. Then she turns on Kim D, because no one who is a friend of hers would break bread with people like them.

Carolyn opts to go to date night with Albert, during which she complains nonstop about the kids leaving.

I fast-forwarded. This is life. Kids grow up. She has a big house and gets to go to dinner once a week with her husband. Albert says maybe he'll do 12-hour days rather than 16-hour days. She wants him to take a weekend off once in a while. he says OK.

Back at the country club, Danielle is pretending to be on the phone and to read texts and refusing to clap. The phone trick she learned from Paris Hilton. "The ultimate diss had already been made, so my ultimate diss needed to begin."

Kim G tells her to quit it. Teresa and Jacqueline are liking the show, laughing about Danielle not looking with a big puss on her face. Kim G says it's bad manners, and Danielle vows that she doesn't care who and what is walking on that runway.

Until she sees Ashley.

When she sees Ashley, she's ticked. Why didn't her daughter get asked to model?

Ashley had been worried about tripping, and apparently Kim D at Posche was worried Ashley would trip, too, because she paired Ashley up with a guy to walk the runway.

"None of them know how to walk a runway, I'll tell you that," she says. Kim G says, well, of course, they're not professional models. Danielle leaps on that piece of gristle like a hound. "Oh, that's why they didn't want Christine. They wanted unprofessionals."

THAT'S when Danielle got pissed, because she wasn't AT ALL pissed before.

Ashley sits at the table with her mother and stares and does her sick little smile at Danielle. Ashley is like a serial killer, one who rubs it in your face. Danielle says that Ashley is just like her mother, great job, good parenting, awesome. Jacqueline tells Ashley to can the crap.

Jacqueline realizes that her daughter has gone missing, so she goes looking for her. She finds Teresa sitting in the hall. Teresa wants to say hi to Danielle after a few hours of sitting across the runway pretending Danielle didn't exist.

Danielle walks by with her Low-Rent Entourage, and Teresa says, "Danielle," as if she is surprised to find her in the same county. "Hi."

Danielle says hi and Teresa makes some banal conversation, then starts to drop little volleys of crap. Talking Head Danielle suspects that Teresa is not genuine. Regular screen Danielle says I am leaving. Teresa says what, you're running away? Why are you running away? Danielle is gone, and Teresa gets comfort from Jacqueline telling her that Teresa had done a nice thing. Kim G says, no, Danielle come back, I'm here, let's talk. Teresa wants to know if Danielle heard that Teresa's daughter Gia was in fashion week, she heard Christine was? No? No hello, nothing? Congratulations, Danielle says unconvincingly to Teresa. Congratulations to your daughter as well, Teresa says equally unconvincingly. Teresa keeps upping the ante, and Danielle says she doesn't feel like this is a friendly conversation. Teresa says you know I'm really a sweet person,I am the sweetest, nicest person and everybody knows that, right? and Danielle says no, this is news to her. Teresa explains that yes, Teresa behaved badly toward Danielle in the past, but that was all Danielle's fault.  Teresa says something, something honey, and Danielle says, don't call me honey, and Teresa says, "Okay, is bitch better?"

And from here, next week, all hell is gonna break loose.

This was Teresa's fault. And next week, someone is gonna get arrested. But at least Teresa can cling to her $3,333 per episode, so that she can start paying back her creditors.