The Real Housewives of New York marathon reunion special closed last night with a (lackluster bang). Bethenny was snarky, Sonya was real, LuAnn was fakey-gracious, Alex was taking no prisoners, Ramona was aggressive but not in a mean crappy way, Jill was a self-imagined victim and Kelly was re-writing history faster than several governments after World War II.
The gist of the show was that Kelly is pretending to believe that she was bullied, Jill is pretending to believe that everyone was mean to her, LuAnn is the New Barry White/Madonna/Fergie, and Bethenny is just over it all - enough so that she can afford to be the bigger person in areas that she might normally get ino the fray.
Blow-by-blow: Kelly, who had stomped off the stage in Hour 2, stomped back amid discussion about how she had been sent back to New York from the island with a producer. She heard this and skittered back to the couch so that no real facts about her exodus could be released and started back on her systematic bullying mantra. Her attitude was belligerent - she insinuated that Ramona had not been grateful enough that Kelly had put on her glasses to play photog, she again insisted that Bethenny wasn't a cook ("the chef was cooking, not Bethenny," she says), she again insisted that people must be jealous of her. She also came up with one good, obviously pre-scripted-by-her-media-consultant line about Pinot Grigio being Ramona's blood type. I know it's not a new line, but had I believed that Kelly had actually come up with it at that point in time, I would have had to toss out a kudo. Jill wanted people to know what a good line it was, so she said, "That was a good line," which makes me kinda think Jill fed it to her.
When Sonya tried to tell Kelly that Kelly had, in fact, been aggressive, Kelly accused Sonya of having been too drunk to accurately assess the situation. It was a really low blow, especially because Kelly was certainly throwing back her own shots. And even if Kelly had not been throwing back her own shots, it was a really rude thing to say. "You totally misjudged the situation because you're such a boozaholic."
Nobody could get through to Kelly, so they kind of left it behind. Bethenny's words were, "This isn't even fun."
I have to ask what the heck is Kelly wearing on her hand? Had she taken up falconing and accidentally shoved the poor bird up her cuff? Another PETA moment: I wear fur, I don't like animals to be abused, I have some dead ANIMAL up my sleeve.
Then they moved to the Jill/Island fiasco. I believe there's a lot that Jill is taking for granted in this situation. She has no desire to understand that the hwives were completely terrified of the Kelly situation - that for three days or whatever they'd been on edge, waiting for the next hailstorm of rage and craziness and the next and the next, and then when they got right to the toes-over side of the cliff and Sonya said, wait, there is something really, really wrong here and they were actually afraid that she'd become violent the entire night and they were afraid Kelly would have some sort of complete psychotic break that would be difficult or impossible to come back from and that she'd just left and they were finally able to breathe...
Yeah. Like that.
So to have Jill come in, pretending everything was hunky-dory and life was gummy bears and satchels of gold was just like the last drop of water on the head that puts a torture victim over the edge during water the old Chinese water torture. One drop too far.
I also don't understand why Jill hasn't edited her reasons for going to the island on the first place. "I wanted to talk to Bethenny before the holidays." First, talk about your ambush (remember, she said she felt ambushed when Bethenny showed up at Ramona's apartment to speak to her)! Second, what were the other ladies? Chopped liver? Basically, she wanted to be sure that in her holiday letter to her friends, she could write, "And after a tumultuous year, Bethenny and I have renewed our friendship and we are looking forward to pursuing additional fame and success as BFFs next year."
The problems with what Jill did have been discussed to death (by me as well as everyone else), but now with the finality of seeing exactly how Jill looks at it after months of self-examination, her actions become an even stranger attempt to cull attention and affection. She knew that Kelly had been in crisis, she knew there was drama, she had spoken to Ramona only the night before. So it was, and can only be defined as, TOTAL AMBUSH. There is no such thing as a happy surprise if not everyone in the room is going to like you being there.
Jill also said something that sounded like BS to me. This idea that she thought Kelly was going to be there, on the island, and the idea that she saw Kelly at the airport, didn't jive. If she saw Kelly at the airport, it would go without saying that Kelly was NOT going to be at Ramona's house. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and Jill also was trying to cover up the fact that she had seen Kelly at the airport. I think her consultants (who were off-camera) motioned to her and said, "don't lie."
A kind person would have called in advance - or just during the phone call of the previous evening - and said, "It sounds like things are a little anxious - I had been planning to stop by for lunch with my husband and a camera crew, but is this not a good time?"
Actually, I guess the camera crew was already there. I don't know if Jill had her own guy as well as the team already at the island house.
Jill and her four media consultants did a good job prepping Jill on pat, platitudinous apologies delivered in a flat, needs-an-acting-coach spurt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let's talk more about why I am sorry and by the way, Bethenny did you get my flowers and you look beautiful, by the way.
With the Sonya line that they "threw a friend out today," Jill said, "I got that message loud and clear." There was no protest, which annoyed her. She wanted to them to say, No, we wanted you, it was just situational.
But how about how mad Ramona was? Flouncing in front of Jill's face, so mad. And Jill throwing back, "and thanks for offering me and Bobby a glass of water." And then Ramona got up and just did the whole giant charismatic preacher act. It was a riot - an undignified riot.
The only person who Jill refused to argue with was Bethenny.
So, then Jill feels on the hot seat. Ramona isn't letting her get away with anything, and she can't argue with Bethenny because she wants everyone to think there's a chance of them making up. She doesn't know what to do with Sonya, and she also knows that Sonya is popular. So she doesn't dare tick the fans off by picking on her. So what does she do? She goes right back to her Regular Punching Bag, Alex.
"I think a lot of this was because of Alex," she said, or something like this. Alex gave short shrift to this line of reasoning, and Jill, who really had nothing concrete to say, backed right down. Alex doesn't care what Jill thinks, she's not going to be her doormat, and she's not going to let Jill paint her as a troublemaker. It's just like Jill not to say something like, "Oh, are you OK?" to Alex.
LuAnn was actually more likable in this episode than she has been all season. I am sure she took into account the fact that she got involved in too many dramas, because she kept saying that she doesn't get involved in too many dramas. I was happy to see the genuine emotion in her discussion about her divorce, and I am glad that your ex-husband doesn't actually hate-hate Jewish people (that was a hard question to sidestep, and it was classy of you not to say, "yes, well, he does" in much the way that Irish used to hate Italians because they thought they were one step up). You got your apologies from Ramona and Bethenny without doing that you have bad manners, darling act, and as a result, they were sincere apologies. Way to not dig in with the manners.
Kelly and her contradictions are disturbing, but Kelly is generally disturbing. Nothing new here. What was new was how Jill couldn't pass up the chance to yell "spread eagle" at Alex in an attempt to shame her about photos that were unearthed some time ago. See how much classier I am than Alex? Love me, love me, love me!
SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE!
Totally an unlovable thing to say, and so disappointing. And so, so, so vulgar. Even though everyone is rooting for Jill to have learned something that she can take into the rest of her life to make herself a better, more admirable person, her rage at Alex means no one can get over it. It's Jill, she always needs an enemy, and that's the way it is. It's no holds barred for Jill's enemies, and Jill always crosses the line. And the fans definitely draw the line and don't like to see their boundaries crossed.
At the end, Andy asked all the hwives if they would come back, and nobody closed the door, really, except Bethenny, who really doesn't need it. Of course, she will see how things go with her show (I actually liked the second episode better, now that we are getting to know some things about some of her co-reality-stars). The one who did a kind of weird manipulative thing was Jill, who wants to be cajoled and begged to come back. She just doesn't know - it was the hardest thing of her life.
Lemme tell you - not harder than sitting home having nobody pay attention. She dumped Alex in the grease, and said probably she would not come back, because of Alex. In other words, to get me, you'd have to get rid of Alex. Which would be a stupid mistake. I don't think Alex hates Jill, but Jill saying that made me hate Jill. I was just repulsed. It completely erased any doubt I had about who Jill Zarin is.
The much-discussed hug at the end: no big deal. Bethenny didn't bother to get up, so the movement forward was all on the part of Jill. Bethenny didn't want it, she didn't need it, but her life is good and she wasn't going to be rude and say no, you freak, don't hug me. She just doesn't care. While Jill said, I'm sorry, I miss you, that's not bullshit, I really miss you, Bethenny just said over and over, I know. Not, me too, and it will be fine. Just I know.
Can't wait to see what's in the leftover clips on the floor episode next week.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Ashley Needs a Good Smack
Last week, I was almost beside myself because Danielle Staub's actions were so unbelievably infuriating. Bringing a cartload of sickly-looking (and whatever they have looks catching) and badly dressed hoodlum errand boys to protect her while she was attending a cancer fundraiser for a sick baby? Each of whom did the prison shower-shoe shuffle rather than actually walking and each of whom made vaguely threatening or distasteful comments about people who weren't in the room while Danielle (who also has her own version of shower-shoe shuffle) smiled like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth (probably not, with all the artificial material that makes up her face) and said "I'm being protected, here! Watch it!"
This week, it was boring and maddening to watch Danielle completely ignore the also-vile Kim G (and Kim G's mother-in-law Edna Garrett from the Facts of Life who, btw, looks much younger than Kim G herself) corner Danielle at her Big Girl Birthday Party to tell her that last week's behavior was Oh-So-Unsavory - Kim G was actually going on and on about whether Danielle had invited the hideous Andy Gibberish Danny as her "escort," as if Kim G was some delicate Southern flower rather than a woman who had stood idly by at a party while Hell's Angels moved menacingly through the crowd, people wielding forks threatened to use them as weapons and the irrepressible Danny (whom Richard Lawson over at Gawker brilliantly calls "Scraps") called her son's best friend a spineless fag*ot. Yes.
THAT Kim G.
Kim G's mother-in-law could barely keep the smile off her face while she put in her two cents about how bad Danielle's behavior was. You could just see that if she were an extra on a real show, instead of an extra on a reality show, they would have to fire her because she would have to keep trying her line over and over again because she kept cracking up. "I love you but I have to talk to you," is I believe how she put it.
Danielle started crying and said the friend of my enemy is my enemy, and said, no! I am a gay advocate (by which she means she has heard this is a good thing to be) and he was not calling an actually fag*ot a fa*got, just that 20-year-old kid to whom I had already given an f-u moment - her actual words, but spelled out - by walking up to him and shaking his hand (but in a I-got-you kind of way). She started crying and being a victim because you can never, ever be Danielle's friend if you disagree with her idea of what is appropriate behavior. So Kim G and her mother (Edna Garrett) back down and let Danielle go on and on with her delusional version of victimization, and you could see in their eyes that they were done. They might still hang around her, but they know that she's a complete nutter and they really, really don't see any point in getting in any deeper. They might get in longer, but not deeper.
And knowing they were done, I was so happy to realize that I also am done. This character is too vile and too unchangeable to be actually interesting. She's done the most interesting thing she ever can. And now we're done.
It was kind of a yawn to watch Danielle buy Danny (her male alter ago) a suit (or more likely get one free from the stupid man who thought this would bring good publicity for his business). The prison and courtroom humor wasn't funny and showed a kind of nose-thumbing to any laws they broke or time they served. It was a big adolescent joke, like when Robert Downey, Jr. asked Jodie Foster to put money on his books.
That's not what you call moving away from your past.
It was also a yawn, but a really annoying one, to watch Dina go to tell Danielle she is out of her life. I never understood that - first of all, it wasn't like Danielle and Dina were super-close and the cord needed to be cut. The cord was cut a long time ago, and to bring it up again is just pretty harsh. It's the kind of "I need closure so I don't give a damn how this impacts you, because this is about me."
I actually had a friend who had an imagined fight with me last year, and when she apologized and said it wasn't about me, it was about her, I ended the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is only ever going to see things from her own point of view. Maybe this was the idea that Dina had when she set out on this mission, but it all seemed backward and over the top since she hadn't been seeing Danielle as a friend. Though she said on her blog that she was always texting supportive things to Danielle - but again, a text does not a relationship make.
So - this week's horror show was watered-down and blech. Except for Ashley. Ashley is a not-too-bright teenager with a doughy body and a doughy brain. By "doughy," I am not talking about Ashley's ready access to food. I am talking about Ashley's obvious conviction that there is no reason in the world that she should ever do any kind of work or behave like a decent young lady or be grateful for any of the vast riches that she has in the world.
By which, I mean, her car. Because really, she doesn't have anything else.
Her parents have not done much to spur Ashley to work or go to college or do anything productive. They do pay for her automobile and they give her money for her clothes and haircuts and pizza.
So what does Ashley do with her spare time?
She fights with Danielle online.
Of course, Danielle takes every little comment and makes it into something it's not. Her reality is truly frightening, because she's a psychopath. Ashley says something along the lines of we all know where you're going...to HELL and in Danielle's weird mind, somehow this is a death threat. "Like what, I'm going to hell now?"
(Which could have just been a realization that she has a lot of repenting to do, pronto.)
So Jacqueline, Ashley's mother, goes to lunch with her friend Teresa and she decides that rather than staying home and calling her daughter on the carpet, she will stay at lunch and eat orange soup and drink wine and then question her about whether it's true that she made a terroristic threat to Danielle. To which Ashley responds, "Do I look like a person who could kill a person?"
To which I immediately thought, yes, yes you do.
Ashley thought this was a big lark, even when her boyfriend (and how lucky she is to have a boyfriend, because I don't see what she really has to offer) told her to cool it. In fact, immediately after speaking to her mother, who told her to stop posting on Facebook - the battleground for this war - Ashley posted on Facebook to tell everyone that Danielle had signed out a warrant for her arrest (which, by the way, was not true at that time - Ashley was trying to influence her friends to hate Danielle even more). Jacqueline called her and told her to take it down NOW, but Ashley just smiled that insipid Ashley smile and made it all out to be a big joke to which only she knew the punchline.
Then at a big Family Dinner, Ashley brought up the Danielle issue to her entire extended family, because she wanted everyone to laugh and tell her how cute she was being and how stupid her parents were for not seeing how Very Right Ashley Was. Because her parents had told her not to tell anyone. Ashley made a crack about Danielle that was pretty ugly, but which was also the kind of thing that drunk people laugh at. Even her stepfather laughed, which Ashely took to mean that she was utterly adorable and she should keep doing it, only faster and harder.
So - what Ashley is missing, of course, is any kind of accountability. Presumably she is mad because Danielle said she had fat arms and called her a bad name, but rather than just brushing it off, she took it several steps too far. And now she has a criminal record.
So - when your daughter can't control herself and when she believes that she needs to fight your on-screen wars, does that mean it's time to get off the TV?
As for Teresa and her bankruptcy, no surprise there. What is a surprise is that they only claimed $79K of income last year, which wouldn't pay the mortgage for one of their houses, let alone all four of them. Or the clothes that she buys her daughters with the deluded notion that she is making them "fabulous" instead of "ridiculous." I am sorry for her - I think she really made herself believe that her poor daughter would become a star and slot them right into a Child Star Parents Life. And that her book would be such a hit that it would completely get them out of debt. Now it's time to pay the piper - and I hope she does, with humility and grace, rather than martyrdom and tears.
This week, it was boring and maddening to watch Danielle completely ignore the also-vile Kim G (and Kim G's mother-in-law Edna Garrett from the Facts of Life who, btw, looks much younger than Kim G herself) corner Danielle at her Big Girl Birthday Party to tell her that last week's behavior was Oh-So-Unsavory - Kim G was actually going on and on about whether Danielle had invited the hideous Andy Gibberish Danny as her "escort," as if Kim G was some delicate Southern flower rather than a woman who had stood idly by at a party while Hell's Angels moved menacingly through the crowd, people wielding forks threatened to use them as weapons and the irrepressible Danny (whom Richard Lawson over at Gawker brilliantly calls "Scraps") called her son's best friend a spineless fag*ot. Yes.
THAT Kim G.
Kim G's mother-in-law could barely keep the smile off her face while she put in her two cents about how bad Danielle's behavior was. You could just see that if she were an extra on a real show, instead of an extra on a reality show, they would have to fire her because she would have to keep trying her line over and over again because she kept cracking up. "I love you but I have to talk to you," is I believe how she put it.
Danielle started crying and said the friend of my enemy is my enemy, and said, no! I am a gay advocate (by which she means she has heard this is a good thing to be) and he was not calling an actually fag*ot a fa*got, just that 20-year-old kid to whom I had already given an f-u moment - her actual words, but spelled out - by walking up to him and shaking his hand (but in a I-got-you kind of way). She started crying and being a victim because you can never, ever be Danielle's friend if you disagree with her idea of what is appropriate behavior. So Kim G and her mother (Edna Garrett) back down and let Danielle go on and on with her delusional version of victimization, and you could see in their eyes that they were done. They might still hang around her, but they know that she's a complete nutter and they really, really don't see any point in getting in any deeper. They might get in longer, but not deeper.
And knowing they were done, I was so happy to realize that I also am done. This character is too vile and too unchangeable to be actually interesting. She's done the most interesting thing she ever can. And now we're done.
It was kind of a yawn to watch Danielle buy Danny (her male alter ago) a suit (or more likely get one free from the stupid man who thought this would bring good publicity for his business). The prison and courtroom humor wasn't funny and showed a kind of nose-thumbing to any laws they broke or time they served. It was a big adolescent joke, like when Robert Downey, Jr. asked Jodie Foster to put money on his books.
That's not what you call moving away from your past.
It was also a yawn, but a really annoying one, to watch Dina go to tell Danielle she is out of her life. I never understood that - first of all, it wasn't like Danielle and Dina were super-close and the cord needed to be cut. The cord was cut a long time ago, and to bring it up again is just pretty harsh. It's the kind of "I need closure so I don't give a damn how this impacts you, because this is about me."
I actually had a friend who had an imagined fight with me last year, and when she apologized and said it wasn't about me, it was about her, I ended the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is only ever going to see things from her own point of view. Maybe this was the idea that Dina had when she set out on this mission, but it all seemed backward and over the top since she hadn't been seeing Danielle as a friend. Though she said on her blog that she was always texting supportive things to Danielle - but again, a text does not a relationship make.
So - this week's horror show was watered-down and blech. Except for Ashley. Ashley is a not-too-bright teenager with a doughy body and a doughy brain. By "doughy," I am not talking about Ashley's ready access to food. I am talking about Ashley's obvious conviction that there is no reason in the world that she should ever do any kind of work or behave like a decent young lady or be grateful for any of the vast riches that she has in the world.
By which, I mean, her car. Because really, she doesn't have anything else.
Her parents have not done much to spur Ashley to work or go to college or do anything productive. They do pay for her automobile and they give her money for her clothes and haircuts and pizza.
So what does Ashley do with her spare time?
She fights with Danielle online.
Of course, Danielle takes every little comment and makes it into something it's not. Her reality is truly frightening, because she's a psychopath. Ashley says something along the lines of we all know where you're going...to HELL and in Danielle's weird mind, somehow this is a death threat. "Like what, I'm going to hell now?"
(Which could have just been a realization that she has a lot of repenting to do, pronto.)
So Jacqueline, Ashley's mother, goes to lunch with her friend Teresa and she decides that rather than staying home and calling her daughter on the carpet, she will stay at lunch and eat orange soup and drink wine and then question her about whether it's true that she made a terroristic threat to Danielle. To which Ashley responds, "Do I look like a person who could kill a person?"
To which I immediately thought, yes, yes you do.
Ashley thought this was a big lark, even when her boyfriend (and how lucky she is to have a boyfriend, because I don't see what she really has to offer) told her to cool it. In fact, immediately after speaking to her mother, who told her to stop posting on Facebook - the battleground for this war - Ashley posted on Facebook to tell everyone that Danielle had signed out a warrant for her arrest (which, by the way, was not true at that time - Ashley was trying to influence her friends to hate Danielle even more). Jacqueline called her and told her to take it down NOW, but Ashley just smiled that insipid Ashley smile and made it all out to be a big joke to which only she knew the punchline.
Then at a big Family Dinner, Ashley brought up the Danielle issue to her entire extended family, because she wanted everyone to laugh and tell her how cute she was being and how stupid her parents were for not seeing how Very Right Ashley Was. Because her parents had told her not to tell anyone. Ashley made a crack about Danielle that was pretty ugly, but which was also the kind of thing that drunk people laugh at. Even her stepfather laughed, which Ashely took to mean that she was utterly adorable and she should keep doing it, only faster and harder.
So - what Ashley is missing, of course, is any kind of accountability. Presumably she is mad because Danielle said she had fat arms and called her a bad name, but rather than just brushing it off, she took it several steps too far. And now she has a criminal record.
So - when your daughter can't control herself and when she believes that she needs to fight your on-screen wars, does that mean it's time to get off the TV?
As for Teresa and her bankruptcy, no surprise there. What is a surprise is that they only claimed $79K of income last year, which wouldn't pay the mortgage for one of their houses, let alone all four of them. Or the clothes that she buys her daughters with the deluded notion that she is making them "fabulous" instead of "ridiculous." I am sorry for her - I think she really made herself believe that her poor daughter would become a star and slot them right into a Child Star Parents Life. And that her book would be such a hit that it would completely get them out of debt. Now it's time to pay the piper - and I hope she does, with humility and grace, rather than martyrdom and tears.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Finale of RHONY - Jacques and Jill, PLus Jill's Weird Popeye the Sailor-man Life Mantra
The major thing I took away from last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York is that I really, really, really dislike Jill Zarin. Did I mention how much I dislike Jill Zarin? By the way, I really dislike Jill Zarin.
Everyone else on the show - Kelly included - seemed to be trying to put their best feet forward.
Jill believed she was also being a grand and gracious lady. However, the thing that will always come to my mind when I think of Jill Zarin and how much I dislike her is that when Alex tried to go say something to Jill at Ramona's Wedding II (because Alex is an honestly good person who blew her stack at Jill for a litany of well-deserved reasons, but Alex is also a decent person who would rather eat a little crow and do the right thing than ignore the fact that she hurt someone - even someone who deserved it as much as Jill), Jill put her hands up and rudely tottered away in her too-tight, too-short dress and too-tight shoes.
I have to say that the gilding has rubbed off this lily. First season, Jill was a tubby little Jewish housewife, the younger and petted spouse of a guy with some money and a business, and she seemed to enjoy the nice things that were in her life but not rely on them as props. She shopped, she bought often bad dresses and occasionally good dresses, she made much of her daughter and tried to embrace people when they were feeling sad or beaten.
Now, of course, Jill's true colors are out and anyone who is sad or beaten is fair game for Jill and her posse of followers, because in Jill's mind she is so important that anyone feeling beaten or sad should feel triply so, because Jill agrees with all the reasons it is so.
Over the last two seasons, Jill has worked overtime to try to reinvent herself as a true socialite (rather than just an occasional party-attender and eat-outer) and style-setter. Two problems here: Jill doesn't have the selflessness to do non-self-aggrandizing charity, and she doesn't have particularly good taste. As evidence on the taste part, I point out her circus of an apartment - the worst-ever issue of Traditional Home. Too, too much - no editing eye, no skill at creating (or approving, since I think it was her dog-walker/pal/vague colleague who did the actual design) flow for the eye or little jewels for the eye to light upon in its journey around the room.
Jill also lost a lot of weight and got her arms toned, had her hair done and learned to sit up straight as well. Of course, when you read about how Jill lost weight, she loses points. She ordered a big plate of food, ate half of it, and then spilled her glass of beverage all over the remainder of the food. The waiters and their difficulty in bringing her sloshing plate back to the kitchen be damned! The idea of ordering a half-portion wrapped for later or donating food to people who would be glad to eat it even with her Nehi Orange spilled over the top...
There was some surgery - reduction, maybe? And something in the face - or just some good old-fashioned Botox. One of my favorite moments from the season remains the time that Alex was chairing her Brooklyn fashion party and asked Ramona, Kelly and Luann to walk the runway - but NOT JILL.
Jill said something along the lines, "Oh, what good choices. Kelly and Luann were models, although of course, I am a size 0 (or 2, I can't remember the exact size) and Luann is certainly not that small a size anymore." In other words: pick me, pick me, pick me!
Of course, she didn't get picked, and for this, more than anything else, Jill cannot forgive Alex. Oh, the outburst was uncomfortable, but really, not choosing the beautiful Jill Zarin - stylesetter, tastemaker, size 0 - was the true wedgie in the whole salad of vengeance.
All that shine has lost its luster. At last night's finale, Jill looked heavy and her skin looked sallow and almost dirty (a light mist of spray tan, maybe?). Her lips looked thin, her nose looked long and her hair looked stringy and frizzy at the same time. The black outfit she wore in her talking head segments made her look wide, and the pink outfit she wore to LuAnn's CD party was a) way too young and b) way too tight. Her gut actually looked like maybe there was a life-preserver or a six-foot sub in there for emergencies. The dress she wore to Ramona's renewal ceremony was too tight and too short (yes, I know I've already said this, but here it is again) and looked, frankly, like something she borrowed out of her daughter's closet before getting her Gina Lollobrigida hairdo.
Which I believe means that Jill is a little depressed.
And who wouldn't be depressed? She lost her BFF Bethenny, Alex called her a "mean girl," Ramona kicked her off a whole island, and people are all over the world are telling her what a witch she is.
And then last night, two friends whose opinions she says she values, plus Sonja, a new voice whose opinion should be considered as well (because that's a lot of people saying the same thing) told Jill that she needs to do a lot of changing. And Jill's answer: Well, I can't change. I am who I am.
Gee, thanks, Popeye the Sailor-man.
And so Jill should get ready for a lot of solo nights on her questionable new sofa with a can of Pringles and a good Pinot grigio.
Because the things that people don't like about Jill are things they not only don't like: they are things they will no longer countenance. This includes betrayal, backstabbing, judging, criticizing, and being a good, old-fashioned General Categories Bitch.
Jill's first sad move of the evening was when she tottered into Le Cirque for her very public let's-put-things-to-rest luncheon with Bethenny. After months of skewering Bethenny to all and sundry, Jill realizes that she has backed the wrong horse and no matter how insanely jealous she is about Bethenny's amazing life successes, it would be better to walk alongside that parade float waving to the crowd than be on the sidelines having some toddler throwing popcorn or dripping Popsicles down her back. And perhaps, just perhaps, if she plays this right, Bethenny will allow Jill to ride on the parade float and Jill will take her rightful place in the heavens - perfectly poised to knock Bethenny off that high horse should the opportunity arise or even merely take over briefly if for any reason Bethenny is unable to fulfill her duties...
So Jill sets forth this not-terribly-gracious agenda: 1) asking Bethenny to forgive Jill because Jill felt so hurt by Bethenny's imagined sins and ambushed by Bethenny's attempt to reconcile and 2) understand that while Jill's behavior all along has been beyond reproach, if Bethenny took something out of context and felt hurt, Jill is being the bigger person and rising above it all, and certainly Bethenny can see that for herself, because if she doesn't, Bethenny is just not the thoughtful and considerate person Jill believes she could be if she has Jill in her life.
Despite Jill's constant lifting-of-her-napkin to her watering eyes (and once to her nose), Bethenny remains steadfast. She wells up once or twice, but she is not thinking with loving memory about her erstwhile friendship with Jill Zarin; instead, Bethenny is thinking about the months and months of sheer and utter hell she went through at the hands of this woman, how this betrayal pained her, and how hard it was to put it behind her.
So after laying out her Friendship Renewal Plan to Bethenny, Jill waits with baited breath to see how fast Bethenny is going to hug her, sob, sob, it's all over, thank God, I missed you, giving Jill the chance to say, sob, I missed you, too, can you believe that dope LuAnn is doing a record and she thinks she can sing and can you believe Ramona is renewing her vows at this weird random seventeen years and how strange is that and blah blah blah blah.
Instead, Jill gets her turn to be surprised when Bethenny agreeably calls their separation a divorce and adds that divorce is hard. She looks completely together and not at all broken up when she says this. Because, I reiterate, for Bethenny, the worst pain happened all those months ago when Jill was bad-mouthing Bethenny to all and sundry, assuming that everyone would rush to Team Jill.
So they leave and it's all good for Bethenny, but Jill is hanging onto the simple facts that Bethenny didn't throw cherry tomatoes at her and call her a ho-bag as possible evidence that she and Bethenny will soon be summering in the Hamptons, shopping at Bendels, and jawing for long talky sessions about babies, life, and the other Housewives. Maybe Jill will even get to be Matron of Honor and Godmother!
Round 2: Sonja tells Jill and LuAnn to zip it about the Island thing. This is at LuAnn's CD party, to which she has brought not the cheesy blond Court but rather the sloppy brown Jacques, who was lucky enough to steal a tweed jacket circa 1978 from a passing hobo on his way into the big do. LuAnn is beside herself, kissing this guy over and over and over and over and over again, with a big smile on her face that is at times giddy, at times maternal. Jill is in her too-tight pink tube dress, and she starts to moan about getting kicked off the island, and LuAnn - who has just kissed a guy so many times on national television that it is possible she was trying to suck chicken out of his teeth - starts in with the manners of the situation. Sonja starts to intervene in defense of Ramona, and LuAnn talks louder and faster. Sonja tries again, and LuAnn again tries to out talk Sonja. So Sonja says, "Please let me talk and quit talking over me and by the way, you weren't there," and LuAnn realizes she's being rude which won't look good for book sales and lets Sonja point out that Jill had declined the invitation, that Jill knew there was tension and drama on the trip from her constant iPhoning of Kelly, and that Ramona had spoken to Jill just the night before Jill made her big entrance on St. Johns and that if Jill had planned to come, she should have broached the idea then rather than springing it on everybody as a big fait accompli.
Basically, Sonja told Jill to quit belly-aching and acting like a victim, because she wasn't a victim.
Amazingly, Kelly stayed quiet throughout this scene, even when Sonja somewhat tactlessly - but not maliciously - said that the St. Johns party had just started to get good after Kelly left and things got back to normal. Good for Kelly. She was trying to think what to say, and wisely stayed silent. She looked far smarter and much less crazy this way.
Round 3: Just before Ramona's Wedding II, Jill surprises Ramona in her palatial suite of rooms at the Pierre. Surprise! she says, cattily. Ramona says, oh, I like this surprise and hugs Jill. Jill lets Ramona know how hurt she was by the whole island thing (Jill and Kelly persist in calling it Poison Island, which is really not very nice for tourism and really is about themselves - frankly, New York could be considered poison island with them on it) but that they've been friends for 15 years and she would never miss Ramona's big day (even if she has been making fun or Ramona's big day non-stop since first she heard the news). Ramona says she loves Jill, but she says that Jill needs to start thinking about things from the point-of-view of other people sometimes, and Jill basically doesn't want to hear this, so she slinks out of the room in disgrace, her Big Moment of Forgiveness toward Ramona having been upstaged by advice about Jill's Own Behavior.
Down to the ballroom where the guests are being served champagne and NO APPETIZERS. Jill, LuAnn and the new one who is super-boring but runs some sort of eventy business are appalled at the lack of appetizers and the fact that guests are being plied with beverages before the ceremony, which will make the other guests drunk. Then they get an eyeful of the woman who is the party planner (who has been standing there having to listen to these joy-sucks denigrate the whole party) and the Party Planning Housewife says, "Would you let her plan your event?"
Meaning, I guess, that she's a little on the chubby and bottle-blonde side, I guess, and maybe her pantsuit was not super-super. But still - how unprofessional for one member of an industry to say that about another member of the same industry, especially standing just two feet from the recipient of your insult. I especially love the extra-classy touch when Eventy Housewife (her name isn't even on the Web site) says that everybody has an opinion and everybody has an "asshole" (thanks for the heads-up and crassness, and thanks even more for demonstrating what an asshole actually looks like with your forefinger and thumb - super helpful and way elegant!).
Gotta add that the hot-chocolate-skating party didn't look all that hot at all to me. I've done lots of kids' parties - because I have kids - and lots of big parties and events, and to my very experienced eyes, you really ought not to have been dissing any party planner. Because it was unprofessional, it was rude, and you don't look that swell, either, babe.
The ceremony starts after Avery gets her way about not carrying the flowers and the dog, and everything is a little hallmarky but obviously very precious to all concerned and everybody looked beautiful. Just prior to the arrival of the guests of honor/wedding party, Jill notes that the chairs placed on either side of the aisle make it look like the two "teams" are separated, which is a particularly un-lovely and divisive remark to make (also, Sonja looked annoyed to have been put in the position of being on any team). Way to keep it classy, Jill! Passing out T-shirts just before the ceremony to let everyone know exactly how popular you are would have been just slightly less icky. Maybe they could say Team Jill on the front and Zarin Fabrics on the back, and you could write them off as marketing materials!
After the ceremony, everybody sort of wraps up their feelings about stuff with each other. Bethenny, obviously in the final stages of any regret over the loss of Jill Zarin in her life, breaks down and tells Ramona and Alex, somewhat awkwardly but with obviously a full heart and the best wishes, that she never knew how very wonderful they are (because Jill told her they weren't all that great) and she is so grateful for them and their support during the last few difficult months.
Jill finishes with LuAnn, the Party Wench, Sonja, Ramona, and then moves to Bethenny. I hope we'll be besties, she says to the Golden Girl with the World Dangling from a Smart Hermes Strap on her Wrist. "You'd have to change a lot," replies Bethenny, to which Jill gets a look on her face like she's just licked moldy bread because this was not in her mind-script and says, "I'm not perfect, I am human, I am who I am."
Really? Again? Getting life advice from Popeye the Sailor-man???
As an aside, I don't know what Simon meant when he called his kilty ensemble half-man/half-skirt, but people say stupid stuff at parties, especially when there are no appetizers before the ceremony. Right, Jill? Almost as bad an an e-vite! I like Simon and think he is a kind person who certainly makes things interesting. Also, his blog is hi-lar-i-ous!
So the party is in full swing and everyone is having a grand time and Alex decides to try to put the Crow Suit on and tell Jill she is sorry. Jill, however, always needs someone to have as an enemy. Did you notice that as soon as Alex unleashed her full fury on Jill, Jill backed off of Bethenny? It's so tiring to have to hate two whole people at one time! So she puts her chubby little hands up, backs away as if Alex had tried to actually touch her back and says, "I'm not doing this."
Jill! That is not how a lady behaves. What you do is you smile at Alex, say I'm glad we could both be here for Ramona tonight, what a lovely ceremony, and if Alex wants to discuss anything more and you don't want to, say, "I'd be so interested in hearing what you have to say, but my head is swimming from all the excitement tonight. Let's plan to do it another time." And then hug, peck, walk away. Take that manners lesson, Countess!
Because cutting Alex dead at your friend's party is simply rude and makes you look - again - like a spoiled brat. You are not a victim! You are a manipulator! Take some responsibility for your childish antics and start using your feeble powers to help someone with better powers do good.
Can't wait for next week's reunion, whilst dreading it as well.
Everyone else on the show - Kelly included - seemed to be trying to put their best feet forward.
Jill believed she was also being a grand and gracious lady. However, the thing that will always come to my mind when I think of Jill Zarin and how much I dislike her is that when Alex tried to go say something to Jill at Ramona's Wedding II (because Alex is an honestly good person who blew her stack at Jill for a litany of well-deserved reasons, but Alex is also a decent person who would rather eat a little crow and do the right thing than ignore the fact that she hurt someone - even someone who deserved it as much as Jill), Jill put her hands up and rudely tottered away in her too-tight, too-short dress and too-tight shoes.
I have to say that the gilding has rubbed off this lily. First season, Jill was a tubby little Jewish housewife, the younger and petted spouse of a guy with some money and a business, and she seemed to enjoy the nice things that were in her life but not rely on them as props. She shopped, she bought often bad dresses and occasionally good dresses, she made much of her daughter and tried to embrace people when they were feeling sad or beaten.
Now, of course, Jill's true colors are out and anyone who is sad or beaten is fair game for Jill and her posse of followers, because in Jill's mind she is so important that anyone feeling beaten or sad should feel triply so, because Jill agrees with all the reasons it is so.
Over the last two seasons, Jill has worked overtime to try to reinvent herself as a true socialite (rather than just an occasional party-attender and eat-outer) and style-setter. Two problems here: Jill doesn't have the selflessness to do non-self-aggrandizing charity, and she doesn't have particularly good taste. As evidence on the taste part, I point out her circus of an apartment - the worst-ever issue of Traditional Home. Too, too much - no editing eye, no skill at creating (or approving, since I think it was her dog-walker/pal/vague colleague who did the actual design) flow for the eye or little jewels for the eye to light upon in its journey around the room.
Jill also lost a lot of weight and got her arms toned, had her hair done and learned to sit up straight as well. Of course, when you read about how Jill lost weight, she loses points. She ordered a big plate of food, ate half of it, and then spilled her glass of beverage all over the remainder of the food. The waiters and their difficulty in bringing her sloshing plate back to the kitchen be damned! The idea of ordering a half-portion wrapped for later or donating food to people who would be glad to eat it even with her Nehi Orange spilled over the top...
There was some surgery - reduction, maybe? And something in the face - or just some good old-fashioned Botox. One of my favorite moments from the season remains the time that Alex was chairing her Brooklyn fashion party and asked Ramona, Kelly and Luann to walk the runway - but NOT JILL.
Jill said something along the lines, "Oh, what good choices. Kelly and Luann were models, although of course, I am a size 0 (or 2, I can't remember the exact size) and Luann is certainly not that small a size anymore." In other words: pick me, pick me, pick me!
Of course, she didn't get picked, and for this, more than anything else, Jill cannot forgive Alex. Oh, the outburst was uncomfortable, but really, not choosing the beautiful Jill Zarin - stylesetter, tastemaker, size 0 - was the true wedgie in the whole salad of vengeance.
All that shine has lost its luster. At last night's finale, Jill looked heavy and her skin looked sallow and almost dirty (a light mist of spray tan, maybe?). Her lips looked thin, her nose looked long and her hair looked stringy and frizzy at the same time. The black outfit she wore in her talking head segments made her look wide, and the pink outfit she wore to LuAnn's CD party was a) way too young and b) way too tight. Her gut actually looked like maybe there was a life-preserver or a six-foot sub in there for emergencies. The dress she wore to Ramona's renewal ceremony was too tight and too short (yes, I know I've already said this, but here it is again) and looked, frankly, like something she borrowed out of her daughter's closet before getting her Gina Lollobrigida hairdo.
Which I believe means that Jill is a little depressed.
And who wouldn't be depressed? She lost her BFF Bethenny, Alex called her a "mean girl," Ramona kicked her off a whole island, and people are all over the world are telling her what a witch she is.
And then last night, two friends whose opinions she says she values, plus Sonja, a new voice whose opinion should be considered as well (because that's a lot of people saying the same thing) told Jill that she needs to do a lot of changing. And Jill's answer: Well, I can't change. I am who I am.
Gee, thanks, Popeye the Sailor-man.
And so Jill should get ready for a lot of solo nights on her questionable new sofa with a can of Pringles and a good Pinot grigio.
Because the things that people don't like about Jill are things they not only don't like: they are things they will no longer countenance. This includes betrayal, backstabbing, judging, criticizing, and being a good, old-fashioned General Categories Bitch.
Jill's first sad move of the evening was when she tottered into Le Cirque for her very public let's-put-things-to-rest luncheon with Bethenny. After months of skewering Bethenny to all and sundry, Jill realizes that she has backed the wrong horse and no matter how insanely jealous she is about Bethenny's amazing life successes, it would be better to walk alongside that parade float waving to the crowd than be on the sidelines having some toddler throwing popcorn or dripping Popsicles down her back. And perhaps, just perhaps, if she plays this right, Bethenny will allow Jill to ride on the parade float and Jill will take her rightful place in the heavens - perfectly poised to knock Bethenny off that high horse should the opportunity arise or even merely take over briefly if for any reason Bethenny is unable to fulfill her duties...
So Jill sets forth this not-terribly-gracious agenda: 1) asking Bethenny to forgive Jill because Jill felt so hurt by Bethenny's imagined sins and ambushed by Bethenny's attempt to reconcile and 2) understand that while Jill's behavior all along has been beyond reproach, if Bethenny took something out of context and felt hurt, Jill is being the bigger person and rising above it all, and certainly Bethenny can see that for herself, because if she doesn't, Bethenny is just not the thoughtful and considerate person Jill believes she could be if she has Jill in her life.
Despite Jill's constant lifting-of-her-napkin to her watering eyes (and once to her nose), Bethenny remains steadfast. She wells up once or twice, but she is not thinking with loving memory about her erstwhile friendship with Jill Zarin; instead, Bethenny is thinking about the months and months of sheer and utter hell she went through at the hands of this woman, how this betrayal pained her, and how hard it was to put it behind her.
So after laying out her Friendship Renewal Plan to Bethenny, Jill waits with baited breath to see how fast Bethenny is going to hug her, sob, sob, it's all over, thank God, I missed you, giving Jill the chance to say, sob, I missed you, too, can you believe that dope LuAnn is doing a record and she thinks she can sing and can you believe Ramona is renewing her vows at this weird random seventeen years and how strange is that and blah blah blah blah.
Instead, Jill gets her turn to be surprised when Bethenny agreeably calls their separation a divorce and adds that divorce is hard. She looks completely together and not at all broken up when she says this. Because, I reiterate, for Bethenny, the worst pain happened all those months ago when Jill was bad-mouthing Bethenny to all and sundry, assuming that everyone would rush to Team Jill.
So they leave and it's all good for Bethenny, but Jill is hanging onto the simple facts that Bethenny didn't throw cherry tomatoes at her and call her a ho-bag as possible evidence that she and Bethenny will soon be summering in the Hamptons, shopping at Bendels, and jawing for long talky sessions about babies, life, and the other Housewives. Maybe Jill will even get to be Matron of Honor and Godmother!
Round 2: Sonja tells Jill and LuAnn to zip it about the Island thing. This is at LuAnn's CD party, to which she has brought not the cheesy blond Court but rather the sloppy brown Jacques, who was lucky enough to steal a tweed jacket circa 1978 from a passing hobo on his way into the big do. LuAnn is beside herself, kissing this guy over and over and over and over and over again, with a big smile on her face that is at times giddy, at times maternal. Jill is in her too-tight pink tube dress, and she starts to moan about getting kicked off the island, and LuAnn - who has just kissed a guy so many times on national television that it is possible she was trying to suck chicken out of his teeth - starts in with the manners of the situation. Sonja starts to intervene in defense of Ramona, and LuAnn talks louder and faster. Sonja tries again, and LuAnn again tries to out talk Sonja. So Sonja says, "Please let me talk and quit talking over me and by the way, you weren't there," and LuAnn realizes she's being rude which won't look good for book sales and lets Sonja point out that Jill had declined the invitation, that Jill knew there was tension and drama on the trip from her constant iPhoning of Kelly, and that Ramona had spoken to Jill just the night before Jill made her big entrance on St. Johns and that if Jill had planned to come, she should have broached the idea then rather than springing it on everybody as a big fait accompli.
Basically, Sonja told Jill to quit belly-aching and acting like a victim, because she wasn't a victim.
Amazingly, Kelly stayed quiet throughout this scene, even when Sonja somewhat tactlessly - but not maliciously - said that the St. Johns party had just started to get good after Kelly left and things got back to normal. Good for Kelly. She was trying to think what to say, and wisely stayed silent. She looked far smarter and much less crazy this way.
Round 3: Just before Ramona's Wedding II, Jill surprises Ramona in her palatial suite of rooms at the Pierre. Surprise! she says, cattily. Ramona says, oh, I like this surprise and hugs Jill. Jill lets Ramona know how hurt she was by the whole island thing (Jill and Kelly persist in calling it Poison Island, which is really not very nice for tourism and really is about themselves - frankly, New York could be considered poison island with them on it) but that they've been friends for 15 years and she would never miss Ramona's big day (even if she has been making fun or Ramona's big day non-stop since first she heard the news). Ramona says she loves Jill, but she says that Jill needs to start thinking about things from the point-of-view of other people sometimes, and Jill basically doesn't want to hear this, so she slinks out of the room in disgrace, her Big Moment of Forgiveness toward Ramona having been upstaged by advice about Jill's Own Behavior.
Down to the ballroom where the guests are being served champagne and NO APPETIZERS. Jill, LuAnn and the new one who is super-boring but runs some sort of eventy business are appalled at the lack of appetizers and the fact that guests are being plied with beverages before the ceremony, which will make the other guests drunk. Then they get an eyeful of the woman who is the party planner (who has been standing there having to listen to these joy-sucks denigrate the whole party) and the Party Planning Housewife says, "Would you let her plan your event?"
Meaning, I guess, that she's a little on the chubby and bottle-blonde side, I guess, and maybe her pantsuit was not super-super. But still - how unprofessional for one member of an industry to say that about another member of the same industry, especially standing just two feet from the recipient of your insult. I especially love the extra-classy touch when Eventy Housewife (her name isn't even on the Web site) says that everybody has an opinion and everybody has an "asshole" (thanks for the heads-up and crassness, and thanks even more for demonstrating what an asshole actually looks like with your forefinger and thumb - super helpful and way elegant!).
Gotta add that the hot-chocolate-skating party didn't look all that hot at all to me. I've done lots of kids' parties - because I have kids - and lots of big parties and events, and to my very experienced eyes, you really ought not to have been dissing any party planner. Because it was unprofessional, it was rude, and you don't look that swell, either, babe.
The ceremony starts after Avery gets her way about not carrying the flowers and the dog, and everything is a little hallmarky but obviously very precious to all concerned and everybody looked beautiful. Just prior to the arrival of the guests of honor/wedding party, Jill notes that the chairs placed on either side of the aisle make it look like the two "teams" are separated, which is a particularly un-lovely and divisive remark to make (also, Sonja looked annoyed to have been put in the position of being on any team). Way to keep it classy, Jill! Passing out T-shirts just before the ceremony to let everyone know exactly how popular you are would have been just slightly less icky. Maybe they could say Team Jill on the front and Zarin Fabrics on the back, and you could write them off as marketing materials!
After the ceremony, everybody sort of wraps up their feelings about stuff with each other. Bethenny, obviously in the final stages of any regret over the loss of Jill Zarin in her life, breaks down and tells Ramona and Alex, somewhat awkwardly but with obviously a full heart and the best wishes, that she never knew how very wonderful they are (because Jill told her they weren't all that great) and she is so grateful for them and their support during the last few difficult months.
Jill finishes with LuAnn, the Party Wench, Sonja, Ramona, and then moves to Bethenny. I hope we'll be besties, she says to the Golden Girl with the World Dangling from a Smart Hermes Strap on her Wrist. "You'd have to change a lot," replies Bethenny, to which Jill gets a look on her face like she's just licked moldy bread because this was not in her mind-script and says, "I'm not perfect, I am human, I am who I am."
Really? Again? Getting life advice from Popeye the Sailor-man???
As an aside, I don't know what Simon meant when he called his kilty ensemble half-man/half-skirt, but people say stupid stuff at parties, especially when there are no appetizers before the ceremony. Right, Jill? Almost as bad an an e-vite! I like Simon and think he is a kind person who certainly makes things interesting. Also, his blog is hi-lar-i-ous!
So the party is in full swing and everyone is having a grand time and Alex decides to try to put the Crow Suit on and tell Jill she is sorry. Jill, however, always needs someone to have as an enemy. Did you notice that as soon as Alex unleashed her full fury on Jill, Jill backed off of Bethenny? It's so tiring to have to hate two whole people at one time! So she puts her chubby little hands up, backs away as if Alex had tried to actually touch her back and says, "I'm not doing this."
Jill! That is not how a lady behaves. What you do is you smile at Alex, say I'm glad we could both be here for Ramona tonight, what a lovely ceremony, and if Alex wants to discuss anything more and you don't want to, say, "I'd be so interested in hearing what you have to say, but my head is swimming from all the excitement tonight. Let's plan to do it another time." And then hug, peck, walk away. Take that manners lesson, Countess!
Because cutting Alex dead at your friend's party is simply rude and makes you look - again - like a spoiled brat. You are not a victim! You are a manipulator! Take some responsibility for your childish antics and start using your feeble powers to help someone with better powers do good.
Can't wait for next week's reunion, whilst dreading it as well.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
A Post that Will Take up the Whole Interrnet
Yes, yes, yes - I know that the Internet is not going to be affected by my post. This is my way of announcing that I have a very long post coming up, so be prepared. Get a cup of tea or refreshing beverage of your choice, use the facilities, and settle in for War and Peace.
Actually, since this is about The Real Housewives of New York City and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it's actually more accurate to say War and War.
I find these shows almost too horrible to watch, and yet I do. Watch. Them. And the reason I do? Because there is something sickly recognizable in so many of these women. Not that many people I know are quite as concentrated as the Housewives. But they are indeed real. Real scary, real sad, real strange...pick an adjective, and you probably have it.
It was harder to pin down the personalities of the Housewives in earlier seasons of these shows. The plain truth is that just about anyone can behave well for a short period of time without a camera, the Internet, and the eyes and ears of the world on them. For those that might have personality disorders and/or other major stressors in their lives, the camera simply increases the speed with which we see true colors. Add in millions of bloggers dissecting their thoughts (or just calling them ho-bags) and lives and you get the Perfect Season.
It is almost exhausting to have RHONY and RHONJ on at the same time, because the drama is so overwhelming. On the one hand, you have Jill Zarin, princess on the potty demanding we all watch her poop - or if you prefer, ice skate (for me, it's just too hard to watch either one). Then, on the other hand, you have Kelly Bensimon, perhaps the dimmest bulb of all but so filled with repressed anger that she has obviously tried to bottle up lo these many years only to have it ooze back from her mouth in a constant chorus of "zip its," "everybody hates yous" and similar rude but incoherent outbursts.
Darn it! In order to do the on one hand, then the other properly, I have to be Vishnu at least: there are a lot of hands in this discussion!
So - with my extra hands.
On the third hand, you have super-duper scary woman Danielle, nee Beverly. Danielle's scariness is not in her unsavory past - and it is REALLY an unsavory past, not just an uncomfortable one. No, Danielle's scariness is in her present. Between her Michael Jackson-esque looks and her paranoia and her viciousness and her - well, ALL of it, really - Danielle is the definitely the Housewife Nobody Can Trust for Even 10 Minutes.
Then on the fourth hand, you have Luann, who is really taking the countess darling thing way too far. Does she not understand that she is not behaving like royalty so much as she is behaving like Mrs. Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island? "Darling" this and "darling" that - really??? The fact that she can't countenance the word "ho-bag" redeemed her somewhat in my mind, but I still can't get over the fact that 1) the countess of class had her book cover photo photographed while she was posed across a bed and 2) that she behaves like a 13-year-old girl with Jill in their mindless and sadly desperate attempts to put Bethenny down (Bethenny being the plucky one who pulled herself up by her bootstraps and built herself a tidy little empire, plus found a man and had a baby to boot).
Tonight is the New York episode in which Jill and Bethenny finally talk it all over. I can't imagine that too many people are particularly pulling for Jill's sudden-realized wish for renewed friendship with Bethenny, who, after all, moved on from sitting around Jill's beach house when she was sad to feeling better and working and dating and all the goodies that lead from there. While Jill partied through her husband's illness in style (and blogged about "good times," no less), she nonetheless expected Bethenny to drop all for a good mani-pedi session in which Jill would get to cry and moan about how unfair life is. Because Jill's issue wasn't about Bethenny not knowing how sick Bobby was, but rather Jill's issue was about Bethenny not giving Jill the opportunity to play the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny so Bethenny could witness Jill playing the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny.
The important thing about all of that being: in front of Bethenny. Jill's angst is actually not even a blip if there is no audience for her to play her "emotions" off of. Jill Zarin, my friends, does not exist in a vaccuum.
Which is why Jill was so shocked to find out that somehow, while off her radar, Bethenny managed to get herself a series of hit books, a booming business, and a boyfriend. And Jill is mad, mad, mad at Bethenny - how dare that woman go and seek her own life when I was so good to her! when I was dealing with my poor sick husband! when I was bored!
And then the Other Shoes Falls: if Bethenny is getting married, then someone is going to have to advise (oh so tastefully, and maybe with the opportunity to shill her husband's fabric business) about the perfect event, and someone is going to get to be a bridesmaid (ooh, maybe even a matron of honor!), and someone is going to get the chance to see the bride's dress in advance, giving her the perfect chance to buy a dress that will upstage the bride on Her Big Day (who's big day? Jill's Big Day, of course!).
Let's not even go into all the media moment chances if Jill gets to throw the Engagement Party, the Bridal Shower, and the (oh, how exciting!) Baby Shower.
So, Jill realizes that she really, really, really played this entire thing pretty foolishly. Had she just said to Bethenny in the first place, "By the way, Bobby's sick and I need to talk, but I know how busy you are - let's have a little chat when you have a chance." And, should that not work out, just to say either, "That's it, she isn't really into my problems and maybe can't handle them, so I am going to just figure that she's not that kind of friend," or, "Well, she must have a lot on her plate, and we seem to be handling things beautifully, so good for her - love and this success is what we always wanted for her."
Because that way, your bridge is not incinerated and someday you can be friends or at least in the same room together.
Now, I am very happy for Bobby that all seems to have worked out for him. How nice he is to his sallow, moody and unattractive wife, and how sad that she behaves as if she is his homely but lovable daughter for whom he has to run interference, making himself look foolish and no doubt adding to his health problems.
The thing that made Jill Zarin the punchline of any joke during her fifteen minutes and long after: her initial belief that anyone would believe that her outrage at Bethenny had any basis in anything but Jill's own narcissism. Clue: she talked about it to anyone who would listen before she'd spoken to Bethenny herself. Clue: she threw Bethenny under the bus in dozens of documented incidents, including the infamous speakerphone RudeFest with the Countess of Crass, Luann von Luannberg de Luannness du Luannesito. Clue: she thought her own life was more important than Bethenny's. Bethenny and a boyfriend? Nyet! (only Jill may have a going relationship!). Bethenny and a successful business? Nyet! (only Jill may have a business - though technically, it was built by her husband's family, but since Jill works so hard as a salesgirl, I guess she'll get it lock, stock and barrel despite her bad taste and not-really-working-here vibe). Bethenny and best-selling books? Nyet! (Jill would like to do that first, though of course, thanks to people not being able to take Jill seriously as a role model for parenting, marriage or life, Jill's book was a serious flop - a Mr. T autobiography without the gravitas - and plus, it happened way after Bethenny was telling people how to get skinny and being entertaining about it made her a New York Times bestseller).
So - Jill is obviously trying to hitch her saggy-ass, liposucted, throw-her-water-on-her-food-so-she- won't-be-tempted-to-eat-it - the waiters be damed! - star to that of someone smarter, cooler and prettier - and Bethenny doesn't appear to be selling any tickets to social-climby, mean, childish witches.
By the way - have you noticed that any of the women on my Vishnu-esque hands have done nothing personally? A woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags is a woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags.
Get a freakin' accomplishment!
Figure out a way to buy your own handbags! And please - don't forget to get a handbag with a compartment for all your prescribed drugs.
Jill, I think you are a wiener.
Which leads me to - eenie, meenie, minie - who?
Kelly. I think she's a pretty sick ticket, but I also think that any murders or maimings that happen to the Housewives at Kelly's hands are totally on the souls, checkbooks and criminal records of the Good Folks at Bravo. She is scary because she has an already proven propensity for violence. Her poor children, which I throw in obviously for the sentimental vote, but which I also throw in because she took her kids out for a de facto happy meal to announce she was spreading all for a few dineros from Playboy magazine.
Thanks, mom! You're the best! Hardly anyone at my school will be commenting on your perky, but undeniably 4-decade-old, knockers! Thanks for making it so much easier to get through my adolescence!
Luann. Babe, I understand the whole song thing. Quite frankly, I can't sing, either. Iwould love to have someone airbrush me to within an inch of my younger, hotter, prettier self. So - I can't fault you for the song, which is just ridiculous, if in fact class is what you're after. This is not going to make you the chair of any of these charity events after which you're hankering. It's just going to make you the subject of giggles.
That guy - what is his name? Court? Really? Court? No. No. First of all, there's no way I believe he is entirely heterosexual if he has style. And if he is not trying to be gay and ironic, then he has no style.
Anyway, it is a bad bet, from his large, ungainly teeth to his haircut of which can only be said that it reminds me of the Simple Jack character from the Tropic Thunder movie.
Luann - do charity. Enjoy your children. Stop egging Jill on, because Jill is a tar-baby in every sense of the word - she brings upon you sticky, nasty feelings, and that's not just from Regular Folks who Might Enjoy You on Some Level but also from Important People who Might Give You a Real Life. Admit to everyone - loudly - that you made a huge mistake with the Sneaky Speakerphone Incident - you were vulnerable and fragile and not thinking like a girl who could advise other girls about how to behave. We all have our sad moments, and say this was one of yours.
Danielle. Last but yeast. Not a typo.
Honey, you have had every chance. But you bring Scraps (credit to Gawker, because THAT is the best possible name for that sad, John Cougar/bad guy you incorporated into your posse) and Keg (Kim G, the saddest of all possible climbers, who pretended to be a decent woman yet let you and Scraps talk foully about *ing up places up in a benefit for a baby with cancer)?
You know what - Damnielle gets a whole post when I have more time to list her list. And, as a Catholic school mother, I must say - if the Church doesn't denounce its airing of Damnielle's meeting with a priest, I may have to organize a mad-campaign to the Vatican, because that just completely cemented the whole priest-with-bad-judgment thing.
Actually, since this is about The Real Housewives of New York City and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it's actually more accurate to say War and War.
I find these shows almost too horrible to watch, and yet I do. Watch. Them. And the reason I do? Because there is something sickly recognizable in so many of these women. Not that many people I know are quite as concentrated as the Housewives. But they are indeed real. Real scary, real sad, real strange...pick an adjective, and you probably have it.
It was harder to pin down the personalities of the Housewives in earlier seasons of these shows. The plain truth is that just about anyone can behave well for a short period of time without a camera, the Internet, and the eyes and ears of the world on them. For those that might have personality disorders and/or other major stressors in their lives, the camera simply increases the speed with which we see true colors. Add in millions of bloggers dissecting their thoughts (or just calling them ho-bags) and lives and you get the Perfect Season.
It is almost exhausting to have RHONY and RHONJ on at the same time, because the drama is so overwhelming. On the one hand, you have Jill Zarin, princess on the potty demanding we all watch her poop - or if you prefer, ice skate (for me, it's just too hard to watch either one). Then, on the other hand, you have Kelly Bensimon, perhaps the dimmest bulb of all but so filled with repressed anger that she has obviously tried to bottle up lo these many years only to have it ooze back from her mouth in a constant chorus of "zip its," "everybody hates yous" and similar rude but incoherent outbursts.
Darn it! In order to do the on one hand, then the other properly, I have to be Vishnu at least: there are a lot of hands in this discussion!
So - with my extra hands.
On the third hand, you have super-duper scary woman Danielle, nee Beverly. Danielle's scariness is not in her unsavory past - and it is REALLY an unsavory past, not just an uncomfortable one. No, Danielle's scariness is in her present. Between her Michael Jackson-esque looks and her paranoia and her viciousness and her - well, ALL of it, really - Danielle is the definitely the Housewife Nobody Can Trust for Even 10 Minutes.
Then on the fourth hand, you have Luann, who is really taking the countess darling thing way too far. Does she not understand that she is not behaving like royalty so much as she is behaving like Mrs. Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island? "Darling" this and "darling" that - really??? The fact that she can't countenance the word "ho-bag" redeemed her somewhat in my mind, but I still can't get over the fact that 1) the countess of class had her book cover photo photographed while she was posed across a bed and 2) that she behaves like a 13-year-old girl with Jill in their mindless and sadly desperate attempts to put Bethenny down (Bethenny being the plucky one who pulled herself up by her bootstraps and built herself a tidy little empire, plus found a man and had a baby to boot).
Tonight is the New York episode in which Jill and Bethenny finally talk it all over. I can't imagine that too many people are particularly pulling for Jill's sudden-realized wish for renewed friendship with Bethenny, who, after all, moved on from sitting around Jill's beach house when she was sad to feeling better and working and dating and all the goodies that lead from there. While Jill partied through her husband's illness in style (and blogged about "good times," no less), she nonetheless expected Bethenny to drop all for a good mani-pedi session in which Jill would get to cry and moan about how unfair life is. Because Jill's issue wasn't about Bethenny not knowing how sick Bobby was, but rather Jill's issue was about Bethenny not giving Jill the opportunity to play the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny so Bethenny could witness Jill playing the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny.
The important thing about all of that being: in front of Bethenny. Jill's angst is actually not even a blip if there is no audience for her to play her "emotions" off of. Jill Zarin, my friends, does not exist in a vaccuum.
Which is why Jill was so shocked to find out that somehow, while off her radar, Bethenny managed to get herself a series of hit books, a booming business, and a boyfriend. And Jill is mad, mad, mad at Bethenny - how dare that woman go and seek her own life when I was so good to her! when I was dealing with my poor sick husband! when I was bored!
And then the Other Shoes Falls: if Bethenny is getting married, then someone is going to have to advise (oh so tastefully, and maybe with the opportunity to shill her husband's fabric business) about the perfect event, and someone is going to get to be a bridesmaid (ooh, maybe even a matron of honor!), and someone is going to get the chance to see the bride's dress in advance, giving her the perfect chance to buy a dress that will upstage the bride on Her Big Day (who's big day? Jill's Big Day, of course!).
Let's not even go into all the media moment chances if Jill gets to throw the Engagement Party, the Bridal Shower, and the (oh, how exciting!) Baby Shower.
So, Jill realizes that she really, really, really played this entire thing pretty foolishly. Had she just said to Bethenny in the first place, "By the way, Bobby's sick and I need to talk, but I know how busy you are - let's have a little chat when you have a chance." And, should that not work out, just to say either, "That's it, she isn't really into my problems and maybe can't handle them, so I am going to just figure that she's not that kind of friend," or, "Well, she must have a lot on her plate, and we seem to be handling things beautifully, so good for her - love and this success is what we always wanted for her."
Because that way, your bridge is not incinerated and someday you can be friends or at least in the same room together.
Now, I am very happy for Bobby that all seems to have worked out for him. How nice he is to his sallow, moody and unattractive wife, and how sad that she behaves as if she is his homely but lovable daughter for whom he has to run interference, making himself look foolish and no doubt adding to his health problems.
The thing that made Jill Zarin the punchline of any joke during her fifteen minutes and long after: her initial belief that anyone would believe that her outrage at Bethenny had any basis in anything but Jill's own narcissism. Clue: she talked about it to anyone who would listen before she'd spoken to Bethenny herself. Clue: she threw Bethenny under the bus in dozens of documented incidents, including the infamous speakerphone RudeFest with the Countess of Crass, Luann von Luannberg de Luannness du Luannesito. Clue: she thought her own life was more important than Bethenny's. Bethenny and a boyfriend? Nyet! (only Jill may have a going relationship!). Bethenny and a successful business? Nyet! (only Jill may have a business - though technically, it was built by her husband's family, but since Jill works so hard as a salesgirl, I guess she'll get it lock, stock and barrel despite her bad taste and not-really-working-here vibe). Bethenny and best-selling books? Nyet! (Jill would like to do that first, though of course, thanks to people not being able to take Jill seriously as a role model for parenting, marriage or life, Jill's book was a serious flop - a Mr. T autobiography without the gravitas - and plus, it happened way after Bethenny was telling people how to get skinny and being entertaining about it made her a New York Times bestseller).
So - Jill is obviously trying to hitch her saggy-ass, liposucted, throw-her-water-on-her-food-so-she- won't-be-tempted-to-eat-it - the waiters be damed! - star to that of someone smarter, cooler and prettier - and Bethenny doesn't appear to be selling any tickets to social-climby, mean, childish witches.
By the way - have you noticed that any of the women on my Vishnu-esque hands have done nothing personally? A woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags is a woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags.
Get a freakin' accomplishment!
Figure out a way to buy your own handbags! And please - don't forget to get a handbag with a compartment for all your prescribed drugs.
Jill, I think you are a wiener.
Which leads me to - eenie, meenie, minie - who?
Kelly. I think she's a pretty sick ticket, but I also think that any murders or maimings that happen to the Housewives at Kelly's hands are totally on the souls, checkbooks and criminal records of the Good Folks at Bravo. She is scary because she has an already proven propensity for violence. Her poor children, which I throw in obviously for the sentimental vote, but which I also throw in because she took her kids out for a de facto happy meal to announce she was spreading all for a few dineros from Playboy magazine.
Thanks, mom! You're the best! Hardly anyone at my school will be commenting on your perky, but undeniably 4-decade-old, knockers! Thanks for making it so much easier to get through my adolescence!
Luann. Babe, I understand the whole song thing. Quite frankly, I can't sing, either. Iwould love to have someone airbrush me to within an inch of my younger, hotter, prettier self. So - I can't fault you for the song, which is just ridiculous, if in fact class is what you're after. This is not going to make you the chair of any of these charity events after which you're hankering. It's just going to make you the subject of giggles.
That guy - what is his name? Court? Really? Court? No. No. First of all, there's no way I believe he is entirely heterosexual if he has style. And if he is not trying to be gay and ironic, then he has no style.
Anyway, it is a bad bet, from his large, ungainly teeth to his haircut of which can only be said that it reminds me of the Simple Jack character from the Tropic Thunder movie.
Luann - do charity. Enjoy your children. Stop egging Jill on, because Jill is a tar-baby in every sense of the word - she brings upon you sticky, nasty feelings, and that's not just from Regular Folks who Might Enjoy You on Some Level but also from Important People who Might Give You a Real Life. Admit to everyone - loudly - that you made a huge mistake with the Sneaky Speakerphone Incident - you were vulnerable and fragile and not thinking like a girl who could advise other girls about how to behave. We all have our sad moments, and say this was one of yours.
Danielle. Last but yeast. Not a typo.
Honey, you have had every chance. But you bring Scraps (credit to Gawker, because THAT is the best possible name for that sad, John Cougar/bad guy you incorporated into your posse) and Keg (Kim G, the saddest of all possible climbers, who pretended to be a decent woman yet let you and Scraps talk foully about *ing up places up in a benefit for a baby with cancer)?
You know what - Damnielle gets a whole post when I have more time to list her list. And, as a Catholic school mother, I must say - if the Church doesn't denounce its airing of Damnielle's meeting with a priest, I may have to organize a mad-campaign to the Vatican, because that just completely cemented the whole priest-with-bad-judgment thing.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Survivor: The Strange Tale of Russell
Survivor is a terrible show. I want to say that. As so many of the shows I end up watching, I really find it annoying and kind of well, stupid. I actually fast-forward through much of it, because I really don't want to hear them talking at ALL.
The one guy that I really liked is Russell. He is smart, he can survive, and he knows how to manage a tribe. If I were REALLY on an island, without the benefit of Kraft services and EMTs, I would much rather have Russell on my island than Sandra or Parvati, who would just eat my food and call me names behind my back.
The thing that Russell needs: my company. He needs someone who can take what he's thinking, package and re-package it, and ensure that he ends up not only making it to the end, but having people who will vote for him.
Russell is a great player - I cheered for him for both seasons he was on the show. However, Russell needs to understand that his fellow players fell into a handful of categories - whining coattail rider, mean girl, aged hippie, moon unit, Christian-on-sleeve (meaning that their Christianity seems to be a garment of convenience rather than an actual choice of lifestyle), and whack-a-doodle.
Russell, you big dope! You can't expect those people to simply say you are the best and be fair about it! These are the people who, if you fired them for not doing their work and for stealing out of the till at work, would complain that they were just mad because you never understood them.
There are a lot of stupid people out there - folks who think they are better, kinder, smarter, etc., -- than they are. You have to sell those people for what they actually are, not what you would expect them to be.
The one guy that I really liked is Russell. He is smart, he can survive, and he knows how to manage a tribe. If I were REALLY on an island, without the benefit of Kraft services and EMTs, I would much rather have Russell on my island than Sandra or Parvati, who would just eat my food and call me names behind my back.
The thing that Russell needs: my company. He needs someone who can take what he's thinking, package and re-package it, and ensure that he ends up not only making it to the end, but having people who will vote for him.
Russell is a great player - I cheered for him for both seasons he was on the show. However, Russell needs to understand that his fellow players fell into a handful of categories - whining coattail rider, mean girl, aged hippie, moon unit, Christian-on-sleeve (meaning that their Christianity seems to be a garment of convenience rather than an actual choice of lifestyle), and whack-a-doodle.
Russell, you big dope! You can't expect those people to simply say you are the best and be fair about it! These are the people who, if you fired them for not doing their work and for stealing out of the till at work, would complain that they were just mad because you never understood them.
There are a lot of stupid people out there - folks who think they are better, kinder, smarter, etc., -- than they are. You have to sell those people for what they actually are, not what you would expect them to be.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Two in One Day: She's Angry and She's Orange!
I can't believe I am posting twice in one day. I watched The Real Housewives of New York today, and while it was such a relief not to have to lay eyes on Jill Zarin, I had to blog about the amazingly nutso Kelly Bensimon.
Later, Bethenny is sitting there just being sober (the only one, btw) and, out of the blue, Kelly goes apeshit on her! I hate to use this word, but this is the Actual Psychiatric Term for it. She tells Bethenny that Bethenny is NOT A REAL CHEF, and nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her.
Umm, well, yeah. Nobody, except Bethenny's now-husband (then-fiance), the millions who bought her books, the millions who drink her Skinnygirl Margarita, the hundreds of thousands who eat who Bethenny Bakes products, her friends - oh, and yeah -- Kelly and Jill (and hanger-on LuAnn), who can do nothing but talk about Bethenny.
And then, Kelly tells Sonya (the new housewife, the one who talks a lot about sex), that she doesn't believe in one-night stands and that if Sonya had it like Kelly, she wouldn't give it away. I think by this, Kelly means the penis. None of the other Housewives has one.
And THEN - out of the blue, Kelly accuses Bethenny of sleeping around America and calls her a ho-bag. And she's proud of this! It's the actual Best She Can Do!
Bethenny basically roars with laughter at this: she's sober, and she's way smarter than Kelly and her Spray Tan and her Columbia degree which shows exactly how worthless a Columbia education must be. And she tells Kelly that she's the most unintelligent person that she's ever been around.
Points on Bethenny's side:
1. Kelly doesn't know what eating crow means
2. When the other Housewives are talking about a wine shortage, Kelly exhorts them not to stomp the grapes as she planned to eat them.
3. She tells the other Housewives that they better not make lemons out of lemonade (and no, she's not being ironic)
4. She's proud of the ho-bag insult
5. Kelly was texting and mobile-phoning her every move to Jill and LuAnn, who opted not to go because they would both look like cottage cheese in bikinis
Apparently, Kelly is very proud of her Columbia degree (which she may have earned, but which is no credit to Columbia, as Kelly is as dumb as Formica) and believes that SHE HERSELF is not a ho-bag, despite the fact that her only claim to fame is marrying a fashion photog and staying married long enough to have Child Support Worthy Children. She's not a reporter, she's not an editor, she's just a girl whose sexual abiltiies captured the attention of an old guy with clout for a while. And actually -- I am not sure that she's a GIRL.
In fact, when Kelly was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend last year, the New York PD entered her as a Male. Also 145 pounds. That's a lot of Male!
Kelly is also being sued by a woman from Elle magazine who designed the Owl jewelry that Kelly claims to have designed. The fact that these are really ugly pieces of jewelry and that Kelly stole the idea is beside the point - some people have God-awful taste - the fact is Kelly has never had an original idea in her stupid life.
I mean, two daughters? My mother had two daughters and then an extra one to boot. THAT'S original.
Now, more about my mother - she likes LuAnn. I do not understand that, because my mother usually has fairly good judgment.
Mom -- how can you like a woman who claims to have class but who tongue-kisses a Flock of Seagulls look-alike in a crappy feel-good "we have drinks to change you mood" (who doesn't) bar in Chinatown? And then -- this seflsame woman CLAIMS TO HAVE CLASS.
(pictured below -- which photo is LuAnn de Lesseps, Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon?)
I have to think that Kelly was trying to be nice by supporting Ramona Singer is her midlife marriage vow renewal bachelorette party. But she's too jealous of Bethenny Frankel's success (author, entrepreneur, fiancee, mom-to-be, chef, non-horse) to be able to be in her presence. Word vomit just POURS out. It doesn't help that Kelly doesn't seem to be very bright, and her puppet strings are being pulled by the self-centered Super Jealous Geriatric JAP, Jill Zarin.
There was a scene in which Kelly just freaked out about the fact that the women were discussing anxious epsiodes they had had with Jill, and rather than just saying something wise, such as, "It's uncomfortable for me to hear this -- I am going to step out for a minute," Kelly starts talking about the women at the table as being mean, desperate, etc. Kelly likes to tell people how above it all she is.
She's actually like Luanne de Lesseps in that way.
Anyway, after throwing her tantrum and turning her voice up notch after notch in an attempt not to have anyone argue with her (because she's too stupid to rebut a valid point), Kelly flounces out with a Big Entrance. But then she couldn't find the door -- she just went from glass pane to glass pane looking for the way out. Finally, a waitress opened the door for her.
Bethenny's father had just died, and though Bethenny did not have a good relationship with him (because he was selfish and not a very good parent), she was obviously conflicted. I don't know why it is that Kelly can't understand that sometimes grief is not about losing something precious, but rather about losing the possibility of something precious. Because Kelly just tells Bethenny to basically get over herself. Because only Kelly has valid feelings, and she doesn't dwell on them -- but this, of course, is because Kelly is about as introspective as linoleum.
She also thinks feelings are, like, so 1979. Wow - way to use history to present a point of contention.
Later, Bethenny is sitting there just being sober (the only one, btw) and, out of the blue, Kelly goes apeshit on her! I hate to use this word, but this is the Actual Psychiatric Term for it. She tells Bethenny that Bethenny is NOT A REAL CHEF, and nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her.
Umm, well, yeah. Nobody, except Bethenny's now-husband (then-fiance), the millions who bought her books, the millions who drink her Skinnygirl Margarita, the hundreds of thousands who eat who Bethenny Bakes products, her friends - oh, and yeah -- Kelly and Jill (and hanger-on LuAnn), who can do nothing but talk about Bethenny.
And then, Kelly tells Sonya (the new housewife, the one who talks a lot about sex), that she doesn't believe in one-night stands and that if Sonya had it like Kelly, she wouldn't give it away. I think by this, Kelly means the penis. None of the other Housewives has one.
And THEN - out of the blue, Kelly accuses Bethenny of sleeping around America and calls her a ho-bag. And she's proud of this! It's the actual Best She Can Do!
Bethenny basically roars with laughter at this: she's sober, and she's way smarter than Kelly and her Spray Tan and her Columbia degree which shows exactly how worthless a Columbia education must be. And she tells Kelly that she's the most unintelligent person that she's ever been around.
Points on Bethenny's side:
1. Kelly doesn't know what eating crow means
2. When the other Housewives are talking about a wine shortage, Kelly exhorts them not to stomp the grapes as she planned to eat them.
3. She tells the other Housewives that they better not make lemons out of lemonade (and no, she's not being ironic)
4. She's proud of the ho-bag insult
5. Kelly was texting and mobile-phoning her every move to Jill and LuAnn, who opted not to go because they would both look like cottage cheese in bikinis
Apparently, Kelly is very proud of her Columbia degree (which she may have earned, but which is no credit to Columbia, as Kelly is as dumb as Formica) and believes that SHE HERSELF is not a ho-bag, despite the fact that her only claim to fame is marrying a fashion photog and staying married long enough to have Child Support Worthy Children. She's not a reporter, she's not an editor, she's just a girl whose sexual abiltiies captured the attention of an old guy with clout for a while. And actually -- I am not sure that she's a GIRL.
Kelly is also being sued by a woman from Elle magazine who designed the Owl jewelry that Kelly claims to have designed. The fact that these are really ugly pieces of jewelry and that Kelly stole the idea is beside the point - some people have God-awful taste - the fact is Kelly has never had an original idea in her stupid life.
I mean, two daughters? My mother had two daughters and then an extra one to boot. THAT'S original.
Now, more about my mother - she likes LuAnn. I do not understand that, because my mother usually has fairly good judgment.
Mom -- how can you like a woman who claims to have class but who tongue-kisses a Flock of Seagulls look-alike in a crappy feel-good "we have drinks to change you mood" (who doesn't) bar in Chinatown? And then -- this seflsame woman CLAIMS TO HAVE CLASS.
Mother - if one of your daughters did that, you'd be very disappointed. Also, and I hate to tell you this, but I suspect that LuAnn has chipped nail polish.
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