CSI Is So Stupid!

I have to say that my husband and I watch some pretty stupid TV shows. We have been fans (well, we watch it if it's on) of the Law & Order franchise, largely because it is so easy to watch after 9 p.m. -- no brains required, because the pontificating writers tell us exactly what to think. It has gotten to the point where we watch it for the time required and say, nonstop, this is really the worst one ever.

I also have to admit to a slight Goren crush. Goren was the guy from the Law & Order: Criminal Intent show, which we used to call Law & Order: Smart Guy. He had the advantage of having been good-looking and knowing about lots of cool subjects. He was also flawed, which appealed to that side of me which also used to think that Luke Skywalker was cuter than Han Solo. As if! But I could save him.

I was very sad about the way they killed off the two characters, Goren and Eames -- he got fired for being ethical but not rule-following in the face of Big American Government and she quit after she realized she was just a pawn in The Man's deal with the devil (or The Man). Politically, it was a flawed ending, and theatrically, it was a silly one. Perhaps the reason I hate it the most is that the super slimy and squirmy Jeff Goldblum replaced the Goren character -- introduced because of his relationship as the former partner of the super-Mike Brady-looking Capt. Danny Ross, the chief of D's. (detectives). Some interchangeable Law & Order chick replaced Eames, but I can't tell her from any of the other chicks on any of the Law & Order series.

Okay -- back to the point. The worst show on TV -- CSI. CSI Original (which in in Vegas) is annoying because of that black guy who looks like he should have played Data on Star Trek (not as cool as Mace Windu but not as lame as the Professor on Gilligan's Island) and that gap-toothed chick who thought she was all that when the show first started and then had to leave because someone disagreed and then came back because the guy who played the evil husband in Cousins quit the show.

CSI: New York is annoying because it is so pontificating and grey. Not gray, mind you, but grey. Like a one-hour version of Sleepy Hollow without the plot.

The worst of the worst? CSI: Miami. Oh, the agony of it. But it is SOOOOoooooo entertaining!

The whole thing looks like a British Petroleum green commercial. I want, when I see this show, to go to Vietnam and recycle. Half-naked babes in gold-ringed bikinis wander through, sucking in their tummies for the camera, and guys in striped shirts open at the neck with Porsches and Ferraris look intent on par-tay-ing. They women are all pathetic Bambis and the guys are all neanderthals -- unless, of course, they are in CSI.

The music -- it's like being in a 1980s music video before video got interesting.

Horatio flips his glasses and makes weighty, threatening one-liners. The Hispanic-looking guy struts and the weenie-who-got-promoted-to-vaguely-cute-guy channels Don Johnson. The women all wear white suits and 5-inch heels, and their hair swings wantonly above the crime scenes as they gather DNA evidence.

And all I can think is: were all the freakin' detectives busy? Was there not a single police officer available to check out the crime scene? Really?

This last week's episode was so God-awful, it was actually hilarious. The blond chick, the one who speaks with the baby voice that Dr. Laura says is often due to being tampered with by grown men as a child, runs wildly into a fire to save a kid (who looks to be about 30). The next we see her, she is wearing a white suit and no one pays attention to her. 

Because she's a GHOST!

And she can talk to the fire-ravaged kid, who is also a ghost!

In the most blatant of all crap script ripoffs, she is the GHOST WHISPERER.

It ends up that she is alive, which really disappointed me.

The Miami team all drives Hummers (which is kind of funny in itself, but also outrageous from a taxpayer POV) and none of them wear protective gear and none of them wait for Actual Police Officers to arrive on the scene. They all run shirtless and bulletproofvestless onto crimes in progress and dangerous Other Crime Scenes, and they sweat and talk and drip long hairs into their murder victims. Where are the protective suits (which obviously are not as sexy but which will save taxpayers billions in mistrials)?

And no -- it doesn't happen that way. They don't find a fingerprint on a tire tread and figure it out from there -- because that's not how it works.