The Failure Episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

I truly was bored with this week's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Have they perhaps gone so far in the unsavoriness that they can never climb out of the cesspool of sludge?

First, the editing. We have already seen all the housewives gossip about Danielle's social gaffe at the Brownstone in which she brought thugs who threatened guests to a baby's cancer fundraiser. It just seems kind of silly that Teresa, Carolyn and Jacqueline all got together at some random Italian restaurant to re-hash the entire thing and warn each other over and over that Danielle better not mess with any of them.

"We're missing a fourth person," says Carolyn of Dina, who left the show last week, which kind of cracked me up - as if she's never going to see her sister again because she chose not to be on the show, and also as if they regularly all go out to lunch together...

They kept saying how sorry they were for Dina, but why? Dina is a big girl and she made a Big Girl Decision. This was obviously all staged for Bravo, and how boring was the rest of the footage that they had to play that?

Danielle went to go get her boobies redone for the fourth time, and how creepy was the doctor? "Let me get two pictures of that," he said, and all I could think was how long before those show up on the Internet? I know that he's a medical professional, but he's a medical professional in a strip mall location that looks like the county department of health or a really bad Chinese buffet with that kind of slick, shiny food that looks like it's coated in Aussie Mega Gel hair gel.

Danielle looked very comfortable throwing her robe/towel/blanket thing open so that he could get the photos - almost as if she was posing. Head thrown back, eyes staring flatly at the camera, smiling with her mouth slightly open. It was strange.

Despite the sad-looking location, the doctor vows that the person he is calling is the Top Man in the Country. Actually, he called him, and I quote, "One of the leading revision breast surgeons in the country."

Then we cut to Carolyn's somewhat doughy daughter Lauren, who is at her makeup school learning how to do avant garde makeup. Which basically is drawing anything you want on someone's face. There was actually a white girl who had had blackface drawn on and a big Afro wig. Like most mothers of college-age students, Carolyn shows up while Lauren is in the middle of class.

For those who don't know, avant garde makeup is apparently just the stuff that everybody wore in the 1980s, if they were in music videos. Think Duran Duran, with the exception of the blackface, which was just cringeworthy...

Then we see Carolyn, Big Mama Carolyn, in her Talking Head saying how proud she is that her daughter finished cosmetology school, how proud she is the Second Son Christopher is working at the family business (the Brownstone) and BEAMBEAMBEAM how PROUDbeamingPROUD she is that her son Albie is in law school.

Hold THAT thought.

Because then we move to Jacqueline's house, where she and her husband are waiting in the Cushy Couch Lounge for Ashley, Jacqueline's daughter from another dad, to come and visit. Last week, Ashley decided to be rude to her mother in front of her father's poker playing buddies (probably to show her boyfriend, with whom she possibly has been living for some time, what a Cool Chick she is). So the parents wait in uncomfortable camera waitingdom for Ashley to show up, which she finally does, in a T-shirt that something about respect but which was obscured by her rolls of laziness, flannel PJ bottoms, and her ugly knit hat.

Ashley admits that she is an idiot but says she can't help herself because of her temper. Ashley is in trouble with the law, by the way, because of her temper and a Facebook war she opted to have with a women 30 years her senior (Danielle). Ashley also says she would like to come home to live, which sounds as if her boyfriend wanted to give her a cooling off period or Ashley wanted to get more camera time and the cameras were not available at any of the places Ashley enjoys frequenting, such as Arby's and Applebee's. I also have to wonder if perhaps Ashley's parents had stopped paying the Visa bill...

Jacqueline has a little talking head moment in which she says that Ashley just doesn't respect her, but thank God for her stepfather, because she respects him. Which doesn't seem like such a good reason to let her back into the house, but after a little negotiating about curfew times (Ashley thinks she doesn't need one, her parents disagree, but then give her curfews late enough to ensure that she's driving down the road just at about the time that other brain-dead losers are hitting the road, right after getting into all the mischief they could get into for the evening.

Keep thinking about Carolyn's law school pride...

Then Elvira comes into Teresa's big marble palace, ready to do a housewarming party plan, though I believe that there have been some kind of warmings before. Elvira is the most tackily dressed human being I have ever seen - think Marty McFly's sister before Marty went back in time and changed the family's outcome - and Teresa, who up to now has never had a problem showing just how big and overblown she can do things, says she needs Elvira so that her housewarming with be perfect.

So, rather than telling her what she wants, Teresa asks isn't her house clean. Elvira asks how many people come in to do it. There follows a confusing and depressing oneupsmanship battle in which the two of them pull like tug-of-war contestants at their own peculiar viewpoints: you need help (preferably nannies, maids, drivers, gardeners, and all of them live-in) from Elvira, Teresa's stance that she's "old-school" and doesn't believe in using help, Elvira's shock over the fact that Teresa doesn't have a pool, Teresa's stance that it's too much work, Elvira's stance that that's why you hire help, Teresa's stance that she has a beach house, and Elvira's shooting-right-back that she does, too, but you also need a pool.

This was obviously a set-up so that we know how FABULOUS Elvira is, despite her fashion challenges (no new leggings since 1983) and weird mannerisms. It also made Teresa look oddly grounded and frugal, and of course, we know that's not the case.

What I would have said to Elvira: "I am hiring you to do a job, not to comment on how I live m life. You want your check? Zip it."

Because "zip it" is what people say to each other on the Housewives when they get sick of listening to each other. And of course, I have no idea if Elvira got paid or if she is one of the list of debtors on the list of people waiting for $11 million from Teresa and her husband.

That's the hard thing about watching Teresa. You know she has no taste and says stupid things about never wanting to live in a used house and buys ugly clothes for her kids and tries to make her heavy-eyed daughter into a Movie Star (though I love the fact that she was kind to Danielle's kids, and for that, I have to say that I think she's unwise and needs some lessons on good taste and finances, rather than actually unkind). But watching her spend all this money knowing that she's declared bankruptcy and only declared $79K worth of income and there's no way her house would be financed with that kind of income - and now I know she has a beach house?

Badly dressed Elvira just can't get over the fact there's no pool. When what she needs is a new jacket, T-shirt, shoes and jeans herself.

When Elvira sees the scantily furnished Great Room, her face goes a little blank, and she decides that what she wants is to completely transform the place into something, she, Elvira, believes is tasteful: Studio 54. Something homey like that.

I actually can no longer type the word "homey" without thinking Homey don't play that.

Then we cut to Ashley moving home in another hat - I have just figured out the hat: she wants to be the One with a Hat as opposed to the Other Chubby Dark-haired Girl. She has a little suitcase and she tries to renegotiate the curfew but they dig in and then there's a group hug and the Sad Prodigal moves home.

Ta-da!

Here we are. Albie has to tell his mother, Carolyn, that he has done poorly in law school and that she should remember that he has a learning disability. Carolyn has a Talking Head moment in which she suddenly remembers that Albie Has a Learning Disability. Back in the moment, she asks did he fail anything. He says, in this weird defensive way, that he has received a D-plus. Then he blurts that he has a 1.913 GPA (which means he barely scraped passing in any of his classes) and the school doesn't want him.

That's how he phrased it, like the school was some kind of girlfriend who was leaving him behind and not an actual law school trying to educate lawyers and weeding out the ones who can't cut the mustard.

Carolyn, of course, loses her mind, because how can anyone not want Albie? He is her shining great hope, the stuff of her dreams - the one who moves beyond the stereotype and goes into the great big world in which We Are No Longer Immigrants Who Only Live to Serve Paying Customers. Kind of like the last Michael Corleone wishing so desperately that the family will become 100 percent legitimate.

She spews a lot of nonsense about how he needs to feel good about himself and if they don't want him, let's show him and when he gets famous for being a Big Famous Lawyer he'll show them and he'll prove to every kid with a learning disability that It Can Be Done!

She's not disappointed in his performance! She has no questions about the fact that he worked his tail off and they still kicked him out all of a sudden with no warning because this is not about grades, dammit, it's personal!  And Albie clings to this Iceberg of Outrage with such vehemence that he begins to believe his own story, that he's a Victim and not a kid who maybe didn't go to class and maybe didn't work so hard and maybe just didn't have the chops to hack it at law school. No - we're going to have a My Cousin Vinny moment and we'll show them ALL!

Also, because of the learning disability, we begin to see a Lawsuit forming in their heads. He's disabled! Those bastards! Those lawbreaking, cheating, thieving bastards! Heart-felt tears! They told you you weren't good enough! Over my dead body you aren't good enough! That's all I got. Gimme a hug. Mommy loves you.

Then she goes to the husband and he's mad that no one took into consideration that the school admitted him and didn't take car eof him. Instead, after looking at his work, those louts determined he didn't have the ability to be a lawyer. The Manzos don't get that their kid is no longer in preschool making finger paint pictures - he's in law school and they weed out the chaff when they can't do the work. Then Mama says she's just worried that this will give him low self-esteem, and the father does something good - he's like, well, if his self-esteem can't handle this, maybe he's not cut out to be a lawyer.

Because, you know, from Carlinemom, I gotta point out that there's nothing in the U.S Constitution that guarantees positive self-esteem.

Then Teresa and Jacqueline are out looking at clothes for their new post-baby bodies and everyone's drinking out of hideous tacky painted glasses and looking at chinchilla coats (bankruptcy! $11 million in debt!). But they are also secretly mad at the owner of the shop (Posche - ew) because Kim D, the owner, is also a stand-up friend of Danielle's, their (ironically, consider Danielle's storyline this week) bosom enemy.

We hark back to Danielle, who is being introduced to the breast doctor and eyeing him in a way that says, "I am glad you will be playing with my breasts while I am knocked out cold." She is doing her breasts for medical reasons but is not averse to the idea that afterward, she'll look pretty.

The doctor points out above a knocked out Danielle with the big tube in her mouth that she has one of the biggest deformities he has ever seen on anyone, ever.

And I get this idea about Danielle's sex tape. Did she do it because she wanted a free boob job and needed to tell the doctor to get him to pony up that she was about to have a big screen career and that she'd tell everyone that he had done the Amazing Breast work?

What kind of doctor does this stuff on a reality show? Classy....

Back to Carolyn and her family. They are at a sushi place where she and her husband once had a date. She hated it and said he was never supposed to take her back there. And Albie, who is so mad at Life he can't stand it, says, "And here we are."

Carolyn is proud of her daughter for graduating from cosmetology school. Albie cannot STAND to have anyone else praised in front of him, especially while he is going through This Tough Time.

Then the father, picking his teeth, starts up on how Christopher is going to have to use his personality, and Albie better stay handsome.

Carolyn points out that girls are showing up at the Family Business to say how much more handsome Christopher is than Albie. So Carolyn, while making a good show for the cameras about Albie's flunking out revelation, is actually pretty ticked and is going to go after him in this weird passive-aggressive way aimed at totally making the kid feel terrible about himself (he's a kid who flunked out - this too shall pass).

Albie gets aggressive-aggressive and then Lauren says there's gonna be a new favorite kid in town. Albie goes back through history and tells of the story of his hard-won academic prowess, whilst Christopher was just busy being a screwup, being late, taking his pants off in class, and now he's angry, angry, angry because he's lost his identity as the Glowing Golden One. He doesn't feel like him anymore.

Perhaps Kelly could help him deal with that Damned Bullying School what kicked him out.

Teresa goes to some place in Brooklyn that is housing all of Mariah Carey's castoff furniture, which Elvira has deemed more suitable than the crap for which Teresa meticulously counted out $20 bills not two seasons ago. Teresa loves all the gold and overscaled shiny furniture but never once says, "Can any of my stuff stay during the party?"

And I just figured out that Elvira looks like a pumpkin scarecrow with leggings and a floral top.

And she can't figure out that a beverage container might be called a "glass." She keeps calling it china. As in I want a martini in china, not plastic. Perhaps she is talking about some old Versace pattern from the early 1990s, because it seems like a good fit. But, I reiterate: it's called a glass.

So Elvira comes in with her entourage and basically sets up Teresa's Tuscan Manor as the venue for a KISS concert at Graceland. Fire eaters. Chefs. Waitresses. All in black, mafia-style. You would think somebody would be up in arms for that.

Then Kim G gets weirdly invited, because of course there's a question whether they are having her become a regular on the show. I guess the answer may be yes, or maybe it's a contest between her and Kim D (the owner of Posche) because they invite all these Frenemies to the party.

Danielle is out of surgery and back in the arms of her scared-looking children and having rat dogs crawl all over her, demanding love and cups of tea despite the private nurse who was there especially for that purpose. Those poor kids.

And here Danielle takes a cue from Ramona in New York. Renewal. "My new breasts symbolize for me everything new. New beginning. New start. New outlook. It's just fresh." All of which might be interesting if one had not seen the news of the Sex Tape.

Nothing has changed except the shape of one her her breasts.

From thence, we go to the crown of the day: Teresa's Big Party.

Teresa does not think it is strange at all that her house looks nothing like her house for her party. I don't mean by this that her house looks good. I emphatically do not mean that. I mean that it looks different, but bad. Elvira's bad taste rather than Teresa's. It's all very confusing, with waitresses in pseudo-Playboy outfits and big glowing martini glasses (or plastics or chinas, I wasn't paying such close attention). Kim G is grateful to be there but stirring the pot by saying that Jacqueline, whose daughter is feuding with Danielle, is obsessed with Danielle. Carolyn disapproves. Then Kim D gets drunk and stands with the rest of the housewives as if she doesn't know that she hasn't been officially announced yet. Albie is sad, Ashley hugs all the people who have been talking about her as a doughy mess that nobody expects anything better from. Carolyn does call the Two Kim situation a spider web, which I think was actually spot on.

And Carolyn actually looked really pretty that night, Carolyn style.

Kim G realizes that perhaps she's made a wrong move by alienating Jacqueline because she steps all over herself trying to set the tone in a more agreeable mode, but she can't fix the damage: sides are taken, lines are drawn, and hopefully this show gets cancelled because it is messing up all of their lives.

Next week, we see the Big Fight - and I do notice that Teresa went ahead and bought the chinchilla coat.