Trip from Hell: Gondolas all over the River Styx

This week's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is about hell. Specifically, it is about the hell in which people put themselves when they continue to do stupid things.

The first scene brings us to Teresa's palatial Macaroni Grill of a house. The whole gang - Jacqueline and her husband Chris and the Giudices themselves - are all together to get their stories straight on Joe Giudice's car accident. (Caroline couldn't come because her husband's business has a liquor license and why would they want DUI eyes on them?). Apparently, Joe ran off the road, took out four trees, totalled his car and then sat down and consumed several whiskeys while he waited for the police. Heck, he needed to calm his nerves!

You see, Joe's blood-alcohol level was in the DUI arena - right in the middle, being roped by urban cowboys with rodeo clowns all around. And now DUI court is just around the corner, so in the same way that the Giudices got a coat of good white PR paint over their financial woes, they tried to get the whitewash out to cover Joe and his drunk-driving woes. He doesn't need this. He's $11 million in debt, bankrupt and facing criminal charges concerning some penmanship on a mortgage loan. He's been miserable; who knew that the one Giudice who could get a real modeling job would be Joe? Sadly, however, his modeling stint is going to be for some pharmaceutical company touting the miracles of antidepressants. I can't condone what he's done, but I feel sorry for him on a human level. I also thank God it was only trees and not people he killed.

So, over copious Big Gulp-sized goblets of wine, Jacqueline and Teresa reiterate that they'd been at dinner with Joe, and he wasn't drunk! He wasn't even drinking! Then, oddly, Chris and Jacqueline drove Teresa home and Joe drove home several hours later.

Again, they note: they didn't see him drinking!

Joe is embarrassed and sheepish and adamant that those trees shouldn't have been where they were. Teresa is astonished that anyone would make a big deal out of this, kind of the way she's astonished that people are telling her to quit spending so much money. She's basically astonished that people don't think that her bad behavior is cute.

So - cut to some diner from which apparently Danny Provolone, Danielle's pet felon, offices. He's there, and Danielle comes in, wearing her catfight-ripped cardigan and her weird over-the-hands sweater. She's all sweetness and light; Kim G lost her mind and screamed at Danielle in public last week, and now Danielle gets to be the schoolgirl victim of Grandma Potty Mouth. Danielle orders blueberries for the anti-oxidants and Danny seems oddly over-interested in this. Perhaps he's just gotten a job as a blueberry picker in Maine. But he's also ostentatiously playing with his phone, and he tells Danielle the Big News: Joe Giudice got arrested for DUI.

Danielle already knows this. However, she's delighted to hear this again, because it gives her a chance to talk about it on camera. She presses her long, wiry hands together with glee and gives her schoolgirl smile, the one that worked so well when she was a stripper and dressed as a schoolgirl.

"Why was he out drunk driving around at 2 a.m. instead of being home with his wife and children?" she asked the camera incredulously, which in incredible, because she hates Teresa and doesn't have much use for her children. She's not incredulous, of course; she's thrilled. Here is the proof she needed to have people understand that the Giudices and the Manzos and the Jacquelines are truly awful people, and that Kim G is an awful person, and she, Danielle, is light and love. Certainly, she's had her problems, but she's in a happy place now where light and love and blueberries surround her and darkness rains down onto her enemies like hellfire.

It's berry nice for her.

She hates DUIs at 2 a.m. because of course she only drives under the influence after she gets her nails done. And when she does, she has the kids with her so that she can check in on Caroline Manzo's party to which she wasn't invited. But that's different, because the kids weren't at home alone and it wasn't 2 a.m.

Back to Teresa's, where Joe is now in the throes of explaining exactly how the accident happened: he was tired. Jacqueline, who has had so much wine that she's forgotten that the purpose of the wine-drinking-at-the-Giudices invitation was to discuss how Joe wasn't drinking, says, "What I wanna know is what were you drinking that night?"

Teresa huffily says Thanks, thanks a lot, and Joe goes back to his party line: I yawned, and when I yawned my eyes shut, and when I opened them, there were those pesky trees. An angel was looking over him, he adds.

Jacqueline looks as if she wants to add more, but she can't add more, because Teresa has no doubt hidden ugly truths on Jacqueline's behalf before and Jacqueline owes her this one.

Back at the diner, Danielle is still furious about the possibility that Teresa might have been left a widow with four little children on her hands. How can you not have the responsibility to call a cab when you can buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of furniture? And what are you doing out as a grown man at 2 a.m.? She offers the fact that at 2 a.m., strip clubs are still open, thereby making Joe into a pervert and a cheater and a slug all at once. She doesn't remind us that the reason she knows that the strip clubs are still open at 2 a.m. is that she used to work in one.

So let's just call it like it is, she says, which means nothing but sounds threatening.

Meanwhile, Joe is still yacketing on about how he wasn't really drunk that day. He happened to have the accident in front of the house of one of his father's friends, and when that fine old man saw the car, he almost had a heart attack because he was sure whoever was in the car was dead. But Joe walked with him to the house, where he had about four shots of whiskey, which is, he claims, how his blood-alcohol level got so high. Post-accident drinking, not pre-accident drinking. Teresa nods and her face looks like she's just begging them to believe this story, please, puh-leeze, pwetty pweeze, holding her glass and nodding and blinking about 72 times a second.

Jacqueline, disbelievingly, says, why did you drink before the police got there? to which Joe answers that he didn't give a shit. Teresa thanks God that he didn't hurt himself or anyone else, and then she gets a Talking Head moment in which she says she was so scared, and it's tough, and squeezes out a couple of crocodile tears.

Danielle says that drinking and driving to her is disgusting (though she expected everyone to understand her toting cocaine and kidnapping), and she expresses outrage that Danielle's past came into question with Caroline Manzo but yet look at Joe - he's a criminal, too, because drinking and driving is the worst thing you can do.

Danny thinks this is funny, and says that Joe probably didn't get investigated because he had more money than Danielle, and Danielle says she had more money than any of them when she was married to her husband.

Then she Talking Heads that anyone who puts out negativity is going to get it back because of karma, but she says this while she's being negative. So if there's a next season, this is when Danielle will get hers back.

Lunchtime the next day, Caroline and Jacqueline are waiting for Teresa, who comes in late wearing a brand new jacket. The bankruptcy has been filed and now she can use her income for herself, and so she bought a jacket. Now she says they should get up and go away from the drama. Jacqueline and Caroline don't want to wear a bathing suit, so they decide to go to Italy. They can see their families back in the Old Country.

Caroline worries that her husband will have work.

Jacqueline dresses her kids up like some Italian bumper stickers from the 1970s and her husband guesses that she wants to go to Italy. Caroline rushes to her husband's office and he says Italy would be fun, but not with kids. He just wants all the couples to go. He wants to have alone time with Caroline. She nods.

Because of course the Giudices are going to bring their kids. They tell them at first as a joke that they aren't coming, but they all throw temper tantrums, which right there would have made me continue to tell them that they aren't going. These are the most spoiled brats in the country. They have no manners, no boundaries, bad clothes. But they are going, because Bravo is paying for them to go, because Teresa can't get her kids to the car without a scene; Italy will be brilliant.

Teresa says the accident has made life at home stressful. The bankruptcy and the other stuff are just little headaches; the accident has made things "so tough."

The decision is made that the Jacquelines and the Teresas will bring all of their kids, except Ashley, because she's on bail for assaulting Danielle. Then they decide to bring all the old parents. So there are about 74 people going on this trip, which Caroline has sold to her husband as a romantic getaway.

Ashley sits on the floor of her mother's closet while Jacqueline packs and tells her not to use the house as a love shack or have parties. Ashley has a job to pay her legal fees. She has to take care of what she has to take care of.

They all meet at Teresa's and Teresa serves wine and offers cake and the girls climb into the big, empty furniture. Teresa has a whole duffel bag for hair accessories for the girls, because Teresa can't do the girls' hair - she just waits until they wake up and then she sticks a giant bow on each of their heads.

Suddenly, a tremendous crash happens, and the little girls scream, "Mommy, it broke!" A huge tacky vase lays in dinner-plate size chunks on the ground. Theresa is going, "oh, no, oh, no, oh no!" because she's not worried about anybody being maimed, but that something she bought is broken. Jacqueline's mother did it, because she fell off the step-down into the sunken living room. Teresa is mad because it's a vase, but she also wants to get going to a new place where there are other things to buy.

They get into a giant bus and arrive at the airport, and then they're in Venice. Teresa has so much luggage! The girls look heinous in their little fake fur coats. Their mother looks heinous in her fake fur coat. They all look just like the Myth of the Ugly American, except this is not a myth. You can rub your eyes over and over, and it's still there right before your unbelieving corneas.

Caroline knows it's going to terrible and she's rethinking the trip from the first moment of landing.

They are going to be on a big Luxury Cruise Liner, and they move their luggage to this behemoth and then go look at Venice. Venice is, as Teresa says, a city that's "made on water." They get about 40 gondolas and go on a ride. The little girls are dressed in different fake fur coats from the ones they landed at the airport in. Jacqueline decides to be angry that no one is singing "O Sole Mio" to her. They sing in the real kind of gondolas that they have in Las Vegas. Joe is happy that the Italians have boats instead of cars. Then he's seasick.

They get off the gondolas and Teresa runs to go find Chanel. There are Chanel stores everywhere on the planet. Chanel stores are not only not unique to Italy, they're not natives of Italy. Was there not an Italian designer that Teresa could chase down in Venice? Every place in the universe has Chanels, as Joe calls them. Joe doesn't want to go buy stuff, because he's a bankrupt with legal bills and a DUI in his face. He wants a quiet lunch with some wine. Chanel is closed, but Teresa has to be something, anything. She buys a big green Murano glass ring, which Joe says looks like a growth.

They get in speedboats and head to the cruise ship, and Teresa tells Joe, "Spank me! Spank me!" She's giddy. Freakish. So inappropriate. The girls were there. The parents were there. She's like a kid on a potty yelling for someone, anyone to please notice her. Even Jacqueline was annoyed.

They say good-bye to Venice from the top of the boat. It's kind of nice, though probably when the old people left the Old Country for the New Country, there was not as much fake fur.

Seriously, there is a lot of fake fur. Leopard, tiger, other stuff.

Joe and Chris have a little whiskey moment in the bar and Joe's glad that he got to get away from his own drama (self-made). The accident (self-made) made him have sore muscles, and Chris says, in an admonishing tone that if Teresa had been there, she could have been hurt, by which Chris means she could have been killed. Chris is telling Joe to shape up, quit being a bozo, get your life together, and everyone is kind of embarrassed by Joe.

I actually have the idea come creeping into my head: was poor Joe so sad and depressed that he tried to get in an accident? It actually crept there when I first saw the car. That was a lot of speed to make the car that basjed up. Like he was stepping on the gas as hard as he could and aiming for trees.

Then Joe abruptly changes the subject and Chris decides to let him off the hook and says Danielle is out of control. Really, Danielle is not the one out of control. She's skanky, but actually, Kim G and Teresa and Ashley are out of control. Danielle is controlling everything like a puppet master.

Chris is angry, of course, that Ashley assaulted Danielle. However, he's also kind of surprised that Danielle didn't allow Ashley to get away with it. However, how could Danielle? First, it's something that she has over Jacqueline - your daughter committed a crime against my person. Also, though, Ashley committed a crime against Danielle's person, and it has to be said that if Ashley hadn't had consequences that would stop her from committing further crimes against Danielle's person, Ashley would continue to commit crimes against Danielle's person.

And what's even worse is that she would commit those crimes against her person and the brag about in on Facebook.

Chris says that he sees that Danielle has no family and friends around, so everything that has happened - Joe's bankruptcy, Ashley's arrest, etc. - must be because of Danielle. And yet, I think: Danielle is getting everything she wants.Yes, it rankles a little bit that Caroline won't let her come for wine, that Jacqueline turned her back on her and Teresa called her honey and bitch. However, she's getting everything she wants, other than that. It's everyone elses' lives that are falling to bits like crumbly corks.

The next morning, Teresa and Joe decide to go have some "free time to themselves..in the bedroom." Rather than just resigning themselves to the fact that they were the ones who brought their brats and the grandparents have had enough, Teresa decides to strong-arm Caroline into babysitting. Because it's her vacation, dammit! Joe needs sex! They do it at least once a day! At least! And Teresa wants to spend! And in order to spend, Joe needs to be in a promising mood...

Albert was sold a bill of goods that included couples only, no kids. Caroline wants time alone with her husband. She doesn't want to babysit. She's aghast at the prospect. And she should be. The girls are, as usual, whining joy-sucks, as created and continued by their parents. They want to be fed, and then they're bored. They want to swim, but it's cold. They want to hot tub, but they're too young. They want to play, but it's too much effort. They want to draw, then they want to stab Caroline with their crayons.

On the boat, Jacqueline and her husband take a cooking class. Jacqueline demands the chef's hat like she's a charming old teenager. An overgrown pageant girl. She gets pesto on her teeth and it's revolting to behold, and yet they keep making us behold it.

Albert who doesn't want kids steps up to the plate. He's a good guy, and no matter what else he has done in his life (which may be many good things, I don't know), he has earned his place in heaven by dealing with those four lunch meat trolls all day.

Later that evening, Jacqueline and Teresa drink a lot of mojitos. Mojitos are not an Italian drink. They don't care. They drink mojitos and each chocolate. They go to the piano bar and they play the piano marginally and dance marginally and the crowd goes wild. They blinked and everything. All both of them. Jacqueline, unable to stop being a housewife, cleans the glass elevator wall with her snakeskin-clad butt.

It's Milania's birthday the next day, and Daddy's asleep but it's her birthday so poor sad Joe doesn't get to sleep in. She's four. So she's going to have a big private dinner. Then it's suddenly time for dinner. The girls are dressed abominably. Abominably. Fake leopard and tulle and hairbows. Jacqueline is so hung over from rhe previous evening that she can't get up. She was not seasick until she drank too many mojitos, but then she drank too many mojitos. So now she's seasick.

Milania realizes that her big party is a dinner party. She is devastated, because she doesn't want an "eat" party. But Teresa wants an "eat" party, because the kids are not kids: they are extensions of Teresa. What she wants, they want. What they want, they can't have unless Teresa wants it, too.

They have a big, grown-up dinner party and all the children fret and then fall asleep. The captain comes out, they bring a cake, but the kids are asleep. Teresa keeps saying she's mortified. And I keep thinking, this mortifies her? Kids fall asleep, $11 million of debt. Hmmm...

Jacqueline is still down for the count.

The one thing that kept going through my mind is how terrible that trip would be. Teresa is a child, and she has four children who scream and change their outfits, and Joe is right. This is not a *&! vacation.

Hell. Hell on a gondola.