Real Housewives: Not-Very-Compelling Fashion

The show starts off with Carolyn making a show of sisterly support. Since her baby sister, Dina, opted to leave the show, Carolyn brings two more of her sisters, Frannie and Cookie to lunch. There she sets up her whine session about Albie being asked to leave law school.

Albie, it seems, has a learning disability, and got a 1.9 GPA for the year. Which means he probably got really low marks the first semester and really low marks the second semester. I actually don't know if he went to law school for two semesters, but it seems unlikely that any school would spring clean him after just one semester, unless he did just rotten (and yes, 1.9 is rotten).

So, now Carolyn notes that Albie has a learning disability and he told the school, but he didn't follow up to get any of the help offered to ensure he would get a better GPA than 1.9. That is what makes Albie's case "not a compelling argument." He told them, they said you'll need this, he didn't get the help, he saw himself failing (it could not have been a surprise, and yes - a D is not failing, but it's not enough to remain in school). The school, no doubt, is saying, "we gave you every tool to succeed, but you couldn't be bothered to do anything we suggested, so why should we give you a second chance?"

It's what happens. He's what - 23? This doesn't define his life.

I feel sorry for Carolyn because she's put all her Albie eggs in the law school dream. If Albie really didn't take it seriously, perhaps it is just the dream of lawyerdom and not the love of the law that spurred Albie to pursue this path. He needs to take a look at what he really wants to do and do it whole-heartedly next time.

Now for the set-up for the rest of the show. Carolyn has empty nest syndrome.

On to Jacqueline and Teresa having lunch with Kim D, who is the owners of the ridiculously named Posche boutique. She wants them to come to her fashion show. They haven't seen Kim D since she got wasted at Teresa's circus-mafia-glowing-drinks-themed housewarming party.

Both Jacqueline and Teresa have trepidation about Kim D because she hangs out sometimes with Danielle. Kim D explains that she doesn't put up with crap from anyone, let alone Danielle, and she is just exploring whether she can hang out with her. She not-so-gracefully sidestepped the direct question Teresa asked her about whether she talks about them when she's with Danielle, but Teresa just grimaced and was either placated or not taking the question to its obvious conclusion - an answer.

Kim D does make some nonsensical statement about not worrying about the "trust" word. She sees the opportunity to have the entire franchise at her fashion show, and she's not worried about a little drama.

Jacqueline, in Talking Head Mode, says that she has real issues with Danielle because Danielle "almost" called the cops on Jacqueline's obnoxious daughter, Ashley, who was in a text war with Danielle. And a Facebook war.

Kim D leaves the restaurant with a twirly good-bye and Jacqueline and Danielle hunker down to discuss what they will do about the fashion show. Jacqueline's instinct, which of course she will ignore, is to not go, because nothing good can come of going.

Teresa, who has hated Danielle with a table-throwing passion for quite some time, says the provocative statement of the day - something along the lines of, if she went to the fashion show and saw Danielle, she'd have to say hello to her. Because she's a nice person, and we all know she's like that.

So they agree to think about it. And we know that it's going to be Teresa who stirs the pot at the fashion show. Even though Ashley gets the citation, it's Teresa stirring the pot.

Meanwhile, Danielle is driving in a fury toward Posche, because she has found out that Kim D has invited Jacqueline and Teresa to the Posche fashion show, and she needs to find out why a friend would do her like that. She claims that 16 or so people texted her at once, which I find hard to believe, because she apparently uses a temp agency of unemployed moms in Martha Stewart costumes to fill her camera scenes. I don't think she could drum up 16 whole people who actually care about whether she's going to that fashion show or not.

She approaches Posche in her Range Rover (she's broke and owes the government big bucks), Chanel-logo earrings (can they be real? they are SO ugly in that way that it was ugly when people used to dress in head-to-toe Burberry costumes you knew Burberry never made), and a stinkin' attitude. She accosts the woman at the desk, who is rather rudely on the phone (I suspect with Kim D) and barely looks up for Danielle's outrage.

This may actually be a wise strategic move, because probably you don't want to look a Danielle right in the eyes.

Her daughter calls, and Danielle calls her "baby girl" about 42 times, and tells her she has a "situation."

No, Danielle, you do not have a situation. You have a question. And there's no reason that your children need to know about every little up and down you have with your little chums. Your children are not supposed to be your friends. They have six billion opportunities in the world to be friends with people, and only one opportunity to have a mother.

Danielle was mad about the fashion show, and now she is mad that she has been disrespected by the woman at the desk. She emulates how the woman held up one finger to tell her "one minute," so Danielle says she should have held up one finger as well to tell her that Danielle is definitely going to win the one-finger, which-finger game.

Suddenly, Danielle sweeps back into Posche and tells the desk woman to have Kim D call as soon as she returns, and sweeps out. Desk woman barely looks up, because she's nervous to be on camera, she's on the phone (I would bet, bet, bet anything she was on the phone with Kim D, giving her the play-by-play).

Danielle stomps out to her car and drives off, leaving me to wonder at the amount of time Danielle has to sweep in and out of strip mall boutiques to get things straight with their owners about their loyalties (money) and friendship (based on money and the chance to be on television).

Kim D comes back and she and her employees have a good giggle about Danielle and her wild demands for answers, and Kim D and her gum-chawing salesgirl Alina think it is all So Funny.

Danielle stomps back in and - suddenly, Talking Head Shot says, "Kim D has played me for the last time." Because of course she believes that Kim D actually cares what Danielle thinks. No, Kim D will sell Danielle the odd cheesy top and clunky bracelet, and she will smile to get her turn on camera - but there is nothing lovable or enjoyable about Danielle. After realizing that hanging out with Danielle only leads to talking about Danielle, talking about Danielle's enemies, and talking about how Danielle is mad at her enemies, you realize - hey, I am not having a good time

Softening her entrance with one of those I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation kind of lines "I've had a moment to cool off," Danielle enters the store and demands the desk woman's head. She complains that the woman was rude, and she complains that she is a money-paying customer (though Kim D said at a party several weeks ago that Danielle does not pay her bills on time).

Danielle apologizes for being offended, and Kim D said she was sorry that Danielle felt offended, and that it wasn't her, so what could she do (in other words, I am not firing my employee on your whim, you freak).
And then Danielle delivers a line that she must have used to manipulate someone else at some time, but I ask you - what does it mean? What the heck can this possibly mean???

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

What????

Repeat:

"As your friend, I am gonna say that I love you too much to come in here and be treated like this. I don't know why this is happening. I can tell you I'm not going to be able to shop here anymore, because I want to be able to keep our friendship."

And Kim D says, "okay."

Danielle is shocked to receive this information, because a good friend (hint) would have said (hint) that she would drop all other customers to get Danielle's (hint) IOUs for tacky handbags and embellished T-shirts.

Danielle tries to push the issue some more, and Kim D asks Danielle to leave. So - you know there's going to be trouble. Gum-chawing salesgirl in her Charlie Brown shirt agrees that Danielle is a nutjob.

Talking Head Danielle vows that she won't support Kim D's tiny little boutique, and believe her, Kim D will miss her money. "Ah-ha-ha," said in creepy mode. "Bye-bye," she says is ulta-creepy baby-talk daddy-give-me-a-spanking mode.

Super creepy.

Now back to Carolyn. Albert, the husband, is going off to work and Carolyn is all lonely. With the dogs in this big house, and she wants Albert to retire so she'll have something to do. He's worked his tail off to get her everything she wants, he has his job and loves it, but she's lonely, so it's time for him to sacrifice.

Her husband is exhausted by her. I was exhausted by her, and I fast-forwarded through most of her whining.

Suddenly, the graceless Ashley appears in the Posche parking lot. And immediately, we know what has happened. As a final kick in the teeth to Danielle in this fashion show drama, Ashley (not Danielle's admittedly pretty daughter who got to be a model earlier in the season) is going to model in the Posche fashion show.

She stumbles into the store with her Dallas Cowboys jersey on, the same one she wears all the time, and shows off her purse dog. Instead of a new car and a purse dog, Ashley probably needs a job and twelve hours of classes at community college, because this idea that she is interesting in any way is silly: she has no life! How can she be interesting!

There is some more simpering among Ashley and the Posche people about how Danielle will be there (this will really tick her off! hee-hee!).

Then cut to Jacqueline and Teresa having a feisty, make-up laden workout followed by wine.

Kim D calls Danielle at home and says, let's not be silly and let's have a wonderful time at the fashion show. For a few minutes, they try to top each other with banal platitudes about how each of them was being the bigger person, and finally Kim D lays it all on the line, "This is about Posche. I have worked too hard for this."

Danielle gets a Talking Head moment, and in addition to saying that Kim D has invited all kinds of crazy to her fashion show, she also says that because the fashion show is at the country club in her town, nobody in their right mind will hurt her now.

What???

Carolyn meets with Teresa and Jacqueline to discuss the fashion show. Carolyn has told everyone in the past to avoid Danielle like the plague. After a few cocktails, however, and the thought that Jacqueline and Teresa have been invited to sit at Kim D's (the owner!) table, Carolyn decides that it would be super-cool to just let them live their life. Go to the fashion show! Plus, Ashley is modeling! Danielle put Ashley down! Go, Go already!

"Do not let her win. You win by doing nothing," says Carolyn. "This is a very volatile situation. Let's hope everybody behaves."

Next, Kim G shows up at Danielle's in her big black egg of a car, with a driver, wearing a dress she bought at Britney Spear's garage sale. Danielle is trying to be the ingenue, coyly asking Kim G which of two pairs of boots she should wear, and then blowing her mentee moment by adding, "I just want to be naked in these."

Now, Danielle is worried about Teresa attacking her. It was Ashley last week, but now it's Teresa.

Kim G tells her to shuddup. Danielle says it goes no further, zip her lips and forget the camera is on them...

Ashley is so excited. She's afraid of tripping. They are getting her ready, and they all giggle about Danielle some more.

Kim D loves the room, and Kim D says tactlessly that Ashley looks gorgeous, though it took the powers of the gods to get her there. Teresa and Jacqueline walk in, Teresa wearing the chinchilla jacket she bought on the show the day after her bankruptcy got announced, and Jacqueline wearing a fur shrug thing.

Everybody is talking about how it's going to be fun, fiercely avoiding the fact that it is not going to be fun. As a joke but really an "accident," Danielle is seated directly across the runway from Teresa and Danielle. Danielle has a new bodyguard, as if someone wants to put their hand on her person (ew). This time, it's not Danny, because he was so slimy and Kim G had issues with the fact that he threw f-bombs around a baby cancer fundraiser and threatened guests with cutlery.

Danielle showed up late, and rather than just sticking to the schedule, Kim D complains about how late she is.

Danielle is mad because Kim D has both Teresa and Jacqueline at her table. She doesn't blame Kim D because Kim D is the hostess, but instead she blames Teresa and Jacqueline for being desperate enough to befriend someone that was her friend. Then she turns on Kim D, because no one who is a friend of hers would break bread with people like them.

Carolyn opts to go to date night with Albert, during which she complains nonstop about the kids leaving.

I fast-forwarded. This is life. Kids grow up. She has a big house and gets to go to dinner once a week with her husband. Albert says maybe he'll do 12-hour days rather than 16-hour days. She wants him to take a weekend off once in a while. he says OK.

Back at the country club, Danielle is pretending to be on the phone and to read texts and refusing to clap. The phone trick she learned from Paris Hilton. "The ultimate diss had already been made, so my ultimate diss needed to begin."

Kim G tells her to quit it. Teresa and Jacqueline are liking the show, laughing about Danielle not looking with a big puss on her face. Kim G says it's bad manners, and Danielle vows that she doesn't care who and what is walking on that runway.

Until she sees Ashley.

When she sees Ashley, she's ticked. Why didn't her daughter get asked to model?

Ashley had been worried about tripping, and apparently Kim D at Posche was worried Ashley would trip, too, because she paired Ashley up with a guy to walk the runway.

"None of them know how to walk a runway, I'll tell you that," she says. Kim G says, well, of course, they're not professional models. Danielle leaps on that piece of gristle like a hound. "Oh, that's why they didn't want Christine. They wanted unprofessionals."

THAT'S when Danielle got pissed, because she wasn't AT ALL pissed before.

Ashley sits at the table with her mother and stares and does her sick little smile at Danielle. Ashley is like a serial killer, one who rubs it in your face. Danielle says that Ashley is just like her mother, great job, good parenting, awesome. Jacqueline tells Ashley to can the crap.

Jacqueline realizes that her daughter has gone missing, so she goes looking for her. She finds Teresa sitting in the hall. Teresa wants to say hi to Danielle after a few hours of sitting across the runway pretending Danielle didn't exist.

Danielle walks by with her Low-Rent Entourage, and Teresa says, "Danielle," as if she is surprised to find her in the same county. "Hi."

Danielle says hi and Teresa makes some banal conversation, then starts to drop little volleys of crap. Talking Head Danielle suspects that Teresa is not genuine. Regular screen Danielle says I am leaving. Teresa says what, you're running away? Why are you running away? Danielle is gone, and Teresa gets comfort from Jacqueline telling her that Teresa had done a nice thing. Kim G says, no, Danielle come back, I'm here, let's talk. Teresa wants to know if Danielle heard that Teresa's daughter Gia was in fashion week, she heard Christine was? No? No hello, nothing? Congratulations, Danielle says unconvincingly to Teresa. Congratulations to your daughter as well, Teresa says equally unconvincingly. Teresa keeps upping the ante, and Danielle says she doesn't feel like this is a friendly conversation. Teresa says you know I'm really a sweet person,I am the sweetest, nicest person and everybody knows that, right? and Danielle says no, this is news to her. Teresa explains that yes, Teresa behaved badly toward Danielle in the past, but that was all Danielle's fault.  Teresa says something, something honey, and Danielle says, don't call me honey, and Teresa says, "Okay, is bitch better?"

And from here, next week, all hell is gonna break loose.

This was Teresa's fault. And next week, someone is gonna get arrested. But at least Teresa can cling to her $3,333 per episode, so that she can start paying back her creditors.

RHONY: Cutting Room Floor Show PLUS The New Jersey Hoiusewives are NOT Well-to-Do

I was looking for answers when I tuned in last night to the Lost Footage episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. I got none.

So many times during the season, the characters - mostly Jill Zarin - said that if we saw the footage that was not aired this season, we would see them in a different light.

I saw them in the exact same light.

I didn't like Jill's jewelry shopping scene. It just reinforced all the things I didn't like about her book (see my Barnes & Noble review at http://my.barnesandnoble.com/communityportal/Review.aspx?page=Review&reviewid=1383327) - husbands buy jewelry that costs more than some people's houses and still we get to kvetch about not getting more jewelry. "I should have got married in July," says Jill when confronted with the idea of having her new Chopard watch be a birthday, anniversary and holiday gift. She did strong-arm her husband, the long-suffering Bobby, with the promise of You-Know-What if he would up the watch ante with a big necklace that was shaped like pop-tops from old beer cans, but with diamonds.

Pretty much everything Jill did made no news - she is Jill Zarin, a spoiled, petted housewife who stamps her feet when she doesn't get her way, or someone else gets fame and her own show, or when not everybody goes running over to her side of the Titanic so that she can a) tilt the boat her way to reach the last space on a lifeboat (after throwing out Alex and her two small children because, after all, they were never friends or b) throw you down into the sharks before she has to jump so that they won't be so hungry when she hits the water. And maybe the stumps that are all that are left of you will cushion her fall into the cold, cold, dark  water.

Bethenny - poor Bethenny, deer in the headlights while Ramona and Alex told the stories of how hideous they became when they were pregnant. But every woman has to go through those kinds of stories or the stories from women who say they never looked bad or felt bad and the baby came out and they were right back to normal only better. Rite of passage.

Kelly was mean to make fun of Ramona while she was trying to learn to walk the runway. But Kelly has a hard time celebrating anybody else's joy. I also enjoyed the fact that when the designer said Kelly looked like an Olympic athlete, Kelly said somethung like, "too bad I don't have the brain of an Olympic athlete," which flummoxed everyone in the room.

I thought Jill was very rude to be such a clank-clunky mess while her daughter was trying to study. Perhaps Jill needs to buy a larger apartment so that there is a quiet office in which Ally can do her work, rather than just clinking and clanking and trying to look like she was important in her black wife-beater being all Kitchen Mom.

I just can't tell you how much I dislike that woman.

I thought Alex looked great on the runway. So she wasn't a professional model: that wasn't the point. The point was that the dress looked great on a Real Woman and the walk celebrated a Real Woman.

Kelly scared me during her workout thing. Her conversation is littered with snippets about how fun and light and fabulous Kelly is, so much so that she has Kelly World. Her conversation is also full of side jabs at whomever happens to be around. She jumps from one place to another as if all she is doing is taking it these one-liner Hallmark card things that she thinks must make her sound sophisticated or smart. She talked about Eric Ripert, no doubt to give credence to her argument that Bethenny is not a chef. She believes she has a great palate. She also said in her Talking Head that she looks exactly the same after a marathon that she does after getting ready to go to a party. Which is to say, she always looks pretty greasy and her hair is always a mess.

But as she kept yammering on and on, I kept wondering the same thing:

Is she having a bad reaction to Xanax? Or crack?

Bethenny's PETA billboard was pretty cool. I thought it was interesting that Jill and LuAnn couldn't be there - either not invited or too eaten up with jealousy...but certainly I would have liked to see the cameras on THEM at that moment so I could hear the horrible things they must have been saying.

Ramona's party was pretty tense. I thought Kelly looked actually kind of pretty for the first time - it was nice to see her out of the pillowcase dress she seems to be wearing all the damned time, which highlights her legs (which she obviously believes to be her best feature) but also broadens her shoulders and makes her neck look short.

Ramona was on a high of excitement and I do think that she snipped too much about the place cards. It was certainly rude that Jill tried to switch them around, but I would have let it fly. That's what rude people do at parties. I thought it was lame but funny how Jill said - well, you did that at my party at Saks. Such a nanny-nanny-boo-boo thing to say. Just let it go. Sit where you're told. It's not the damned bleachers in a football game.

Kelly's discussion of Ramona Chair was rude and weird. A party with place cards is a party with place cards. And no, dear - you follow the hostess' rules. What if you had decided to run screaming into the kitchen that nobody in there was a chef because you'd never heard of them? What if you decided to tell all the guests they looked like vampires?

I was glad to see LuAnn finally cop to the fact that it was rude for her to listen to conversations via speakerphone without making her presence known. The thing is that it was not just on Jill - LuAnn should have spoken up herself. So - let;'s make it clear: Jill and LuAnn were rude TWO TIMES. And the thing is that LuAnn and Jill were enjoying being mean together while listening to these conversations. There was no eureka moment after the fact that oh, perhaps we need to call to let her know we were listening to her together and making fun of her and we're sorry because it was so freakin' rude that nobody, not nobody, can take LuAnn seriously as a manners guru ever, ever again.

Over the river, apparently, the RHONJ are not the well-to-do women that they portray themselves to be. There are tax liens and judgments out the wazoo.

In addition to Teresa Guidice's declared bankrutpcy debt of about $11 million, Jacqueline's husband's business has apparently filed for involuntary bankruptcy. Also, Danielle has tax liens in the millions and even Carlyon has judgments against her. DIna's husband was sued for what seems like a paltry $12,500 or so. Elvira, the party planner who did Teresa's over-the-top and revolting housewarming party, and who weighed in heavily on people requiring help (drivers, nannies, chauffers, etc.), apparently has tax liens of about $300,000. Too bad she didn't spend any of that income on clothes for herself.

On a side note, Elvira had been hinting to everyone in town that Elvira was going to be the new housewife on the TV show, replacing Dina Manzo who left a few weeks ago. Andy Cohen begged to differ, telling her in a Tweet late last week that her 15 minutes are over.

Thanks for that!

The Failure Episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

I truly was bored with this week's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Have they perhaps gone so far in the unsavoriness that they can never climb out of the cesspool of sludge?

First, the editing. We have already seen all the housewives gossip about Danielle's social gaffe at the Brownstone in which she brought thugs who threatened guests to a baby's cancer fundraiser. It just seems kind of silly that Teresa, Carolyn and Jacqueline all got together at some random Italian restaurant to re-hash the entire thing and warn each other over and over that Danielle better not mess with any of them.

"We're missing a fourth person," says Carolyn of Dina, who left the show last week, which kind of cracked me up - as if she's never going to see her sister again because she chose not to be on the show, and also as if they regularly all go out to lunch together...

They kept saying how sorry they were for Dina, but why? Dina is a big girl and she made a Big Girl Decision. This was obviously all staged for Bravo, and how boring was the rest of the footage that they had to play that?

Danielle went to go get her boobies redone for the fourth time, and how creepy was the doctor? "Let me get two pictures of that," he said, and all I could think was how long before those show up on the Internet? I know that he's a medical professional, but he's a medical professional in a strip mall location that looks like the county department of health or a really bad Chinese buffet with that kind of slick, shiny food that looks like it's coated in Aussie Mega Gel hair gel.

Danielle looked very comfortable throwing her robe/towel/blanket thing open so that he could get the photos - almost as if she was posing. Head thrown back, eyes staring flatly at the camera, smiling with her mouth slightly open. It was strange.

Despite the sad-looking location, the doctor vows that the person he is calling is the Top Man in the Country. Actually, he called him, and I quote, "One of the leading revision breast surgeons in the country."

Then we cut to Carolyn's somewhat doughy daughter Lauren, who is at her makeup school learning how to do avant garde makeup. Which basically is drawing anything you want on someone's face. There was actually a white girl who had had blackface drawn on and a big Afro wig. Like most mothers of college-age students, Carolyn shows up while Lauren is in the middle of class.

For those who don't know, avant garde makeup is apparently just the stuff that everybody wore in the 1980s, if they were in music videos. Think Duran Duran, with the exception of the blackface, which was just cringeworthy...

Then we see Carolyn, Big Mama Carolyn, in her Talking Head saying how proud she is that her daughter finished cosmetology school, how proud she is the Second Son Christopher is working at the family business (the Brownstone) and BEAMBEAMBEAM how PROUDbeamingPROUD she is that her son Albie is in law school.

Hold THAT thought.

Because then we move to Jacqueline's house, where she and her husband are waiting in the Cushy Couch Lounge for Ashley, Jacqueline's daughter from another dad, to come and visit. Last week, Ashley decided to be rude to her mother in front of her father's poker playing buddies (probably to show her boyfriend, with whom she possibly has been living for some time, what a Cool Chick she is). So the parents wait in uncomfortable camera waitingdom for Ashley to show up, which she finally does, in a T-shirt that something about respect but which was obscured by her rolls of laziness, flannel PJ bottoms, and her ugly knit hat.

Ashley admits that she is an idiot but says she can't help herself because of her temper. Ashley is in trouble with the law, by the way, because of her temper and a Facebook war she opted to have with a women 30 years her senior (Danielle). Ashley also says she would like to come home to live, which sounds as if her boyfriend wanted to give her a cooling off period or Ashley wanted to get more camera time and the cameras were not available at any of the places Ashley enjoys frequenting, such as Arby's and Applebee's. I also have to wonder if perhaps Ashley's parents had stopped paying the Visa bill...

Jacqueline has a little talking head moment in which she says that Ashley just doesn't respect her, but thank God for her stepfather, because she respects him. Which doesn't seem like such a good reason to let her back into the house, but after a little negotiating about curfew times (Ashley thinks she doesn't need one, her parents disagree, but then give her curfews late enough to ensure that she's driving down the road just at about the time that other brain-dead losers are hitting the road, right after getting into all the mischief they could get into for the evening.

Keep thinking about Carolyn's law school pride...

Then Elvira comes into Teresa's big marble palace, ready to do a housewarming party plan, though I believe that there have been some kind of warmings before. Elvira is the most tackily dressed human being I have ever seen - think Marty McFly's sister before Marty went back in time and changed the family's outcome - and Teresa, who up to now has never had a problem showing just how big and overblown she can do things, says she needs Elvira so that her housewarming with be perfect.

So, rather than telling her what she wants, Teresa asks isn't her house clean. Elvira asks how many people come in to do it. There follows a confusing and depressing oneupsmanship battle in which the two of them pull like tug-of-war contestants at their own peculiar viewpoints: you need help (preferably nannies, maids, drivers, gardeners, and all of them live-in) from Elvira, Teresa's stance that she's "old-school" and doesn't believe in using help, Elvira's shock over the fact that Teresa doesn't have a pool, Teresa's stance that it's too much work, Elvira's stance that that's why you hire help, Teresa's stance that she has a beach house, and Elvira's shooting-right-back that she does, too, but you also need a pool.

This was obviously a set-up so that we know how FABULOUS Elvira is, despite her fashion challenges (no new leggings since 1983) and weird mannerisms. It also made Teresa look oddly grounded and frugal, and of course, we know that's not the case.

What I would have said to Elvira: "I am hiring you to do a job, not to comment on how I live m life. You want your check? Zip it."

Because "zip it" is what people say to each other on the Housewives when they get sick of listening to each other. And of course, I have no idea if Elvira got paid or if she is one of the list of debtors on the list of people waiting for $11 million from Teresa and her husband.

That's the hard thing about watching Teresa. You know she has no taste and says stupid things about never wanting to live in a used house and buys ugly clothes for her kids and tries to make her heavy-eyed daughter into a Movie Star (though I love the fact that she was kind to Danielle's kids, and for that, I have to say that I think she's unwise and needs some lessons on good taste and finances, rather than actually unkind). But watching her spend all this money knowing that she's declared bankruptcy and only declared $79K worth of income and there's no way her house would be financed with that kind of income - and now I know she has a beach house?

Badly dressed Elvira just can't get over the fact there's no pool. When what she needs is a new jacket, T-shirt, shoes and jeans herself.

When Elvira sees the scantily furnished Great Room, her face goes a little blank, and she decides that what she wants is to completely transform the place into something, she, Elvira, believes is tasteful: Studio 54. Something homey like that.

I actually can no longer type the word "homey" without thinking Homey don't play that.

Then we cut to Ashley moving home in another hat - I have just figured out the hat: she wants to be the One with a Hat as opposed to the Other Chubby Dark-haired Girl. She has a little suitcase and she tries to renegotiate the curfew but they dig in and then there's a group hug and the Sad Prodigal moves home.

Ta-da!

Here we are. Albie has to tell his mother, Carolyn, that he has done poorly in law school and that she should remember that he has a learning disability. Carolyn has a Talking Head moment in which she suddenly remembers that Albie Has a Learning Disability. Back in the moment, she asks did he fail anything. He says, in this weird defensive way, that he has received a D-plus. Then he blurts that he has a 1.913 GPA (which means he barely scraped passing in any of his classes) and the school doesn't want him.

That's how he phrased it, like the school was some kind of girlfriend who was leaving him behind and not an actual law school trying to educate lawyers and weeding out the ones who can't cut the mustard.

Carolyn, of course, loses her mind, because how can anyone not want Albie? He is her shining great hope, the stuff of her dreams - the one who moves beyond the stereotype and goes into the great big world in which We Are No Longer Immigrants Who Only Live to Serve Paying Customers. Kind of like the last Michael Corleone wishing so desperately that the family will become 100 percent legitimate.

She spews a lot of nonsense about how he needs to feel good about himself and if they don't want him, let's show him and when he gets famous for being a Big Famous Lawyer he'll show them and he'll prove to every kid with a learning disability that It Can Be Done!

She's not disappointed in his performance! She has no questions about the fact that he worked his tail off and they still kicked him out all of a sudden with no warning because this is not about grades, dammit, it's personal!  And Albie clings to this Iceberg of Outrage with such vehemence that he begins to believe his own story, that he's a Victim and not a kid who maybe didn't go to class and maybe didn't work so hard and maybe just didn't have the chops to hack it at law school. No - we're going to have a My Cousin Vinny moment and we'll show them ALL!

Also, because of the learning disability, we begin to see a Lawsuit forming in their heads. He's disabled! Those bastards! Those lawbreaking, cheating, thieving bastards! Heart-felt tears! They told you you weren't good enough! Over my dead body you aren't good enough! That's all I got. Gimme a hug. Mommy loves you.

Then she goes to the husband and he's mad that no one took into consideration that the school admitted him and didn't take car eof him. Instead, after looking at his work, those louts determined he didn't have the ability to be a lawyer. The Manzos don't get that their kid is no longer in preschool making finger paint pictures - he's in law school and they weed out the chaff when they can't do the work. Then Mama says she's just worried that this will give him low self-esteem, and the father does something good - he's like, well, if his self-esteem can't handle this, maybe he's not cut out to be a lawyer.

Because, you know, from Carlinemom, I gotta point out that there's nothing in the U.S Constitution that guarantees positive self-esteem.

Then Teresa and Jacqueline are out looking at clothes for their new post-baby bodies and everyone's drinking out of hideous tacky painted glasses and looking at chinchilla coats (bankruptcy! $11 million in debt!). But they are also secretly mad at the owner of the shop (Posche - ew) because Kim D, the owner, is also a stand-up friend of Danielle's, their (ironically, consider Danielle's storyline this week) bosom enemy.

We hark back to Danielle, who is being introduced to the breast doctor and eyeing him in a way that says, "I am glad you will be playing with my breasts while I am knocked out cold." She is doing her breasts for medical reasons but is not averse to the idea that afterward, she'll look pretty.

The doctor points out above a knocked out Danielle with the big tube in her mouth that she has one of the biggest deformities he has ever seen on anyone, ever.

And I get this idea about Danielle's sex tape. Did she do it because she wanted a free boob job and needed to tell the doctor to get him to pony up that she was about to have a big screen career and that she'd tell everyone that he had done the Amazing Breast work?

What kind of doctor does this stuff on a reality show? Classy....

Back to Carolyn and her family. They are at a sushi place where she and her husband once had a date. She hated it and said he was never supposed to take her back there. And Albie, who is so mad at Life he can't stand it, says, "And here we are."

Carolyn is proud of her daughter for graduating from cosmetology school. Albie cannot STAND to have anyone else praised in front of him, especially while he is going through This Tough Time.

Then the father, picking his teeth, starts up on how Christopher is going to have to use his personality, and Albie better stay handsome.

Carolyn points out that girls are showing up at the Family Business to say how much more handsome Christopher is than Albie. So Carolyn, while making a good show for the cameras about Albie's flunking out revelation, is actually pretty ticked and is going to go after him in this weird passive-aggressive way aimed at totally making the kid feel terrible about himself (he's a kid who flunked out - this too shall pass).

Albie gets aggressive-aggressive and then Lauren says there's gonna be a new favorite kid in town. Albie goes back through history and tells of the story of his hard-won academic prowess, whilst Christopher was just busy being a screwup, being late, taking his pants off in class, and now he's angry, angry, angry because he's lost his identity as the Glowing Golden One. He doesn't feel like him anymore.

Perhaps Kelly could help him deal with that Damned Bullying School what kicked him out.

Teresa goes to some place in Brooklyn that is housing all of Mariah Carey's castoff furniture, which Elvira has deemed more suitable than the crap for which Teresa meticulously counted out $20 bills not two seasons ago. Teresa loves all the gold and overscaled shiny furniture but never once says, "Can any of my stuff stay during the party?"

And I just figured out that Elvira looks like a pumpkin scarecrow with leggings and a floral top.

And she can't figure out that a beverage container might be called a "glass." She keeps calling it china. As in I want a martini in china, not plastic. Perhaps she is talking about some old Versace pattern from the early 1990s, because it seems like a good fit. But, I reiterate: it's called a glass.

So Elvira comes in with her entourage and basically sets up Teresa's Tuscan Manor as the venue for a KISS concert at Graceland. Fire eaters. Chefs. Waitresses. All in black, mafia-style. You would think somebody would be up in arms for that.

Then Kim G gets weirdly invited, because of course there's a question whether they are having her become a regular on the show. I guess the answer may be yes, or maybe it's a contest between her and Kim D (the owner of Posche) because they invite all these Frenemies to the party.

Danielle is out of surgery and back in the arms of her scared-looking children and having rat dogs crawl all over her, demanding love and cups of tea despite the private nurse who was there especially for that purpose. Those poor kids.

And here Danielle takes a cue from Ramona in New York. Renewal. "My new breasts symbolize for me everything new. New beginning. New start. New outlook. It's just fresh." All of which might be interesting if one had not seen the news of the Sex Tape.

Nothing has changed except the shape of one her her breasts.

From thence, we go to the crown of the day: Teresa's Big Party.

Teresa does not think it is strange at all that her house looks nothing like her house for her party. I don't mean by this that her house looks good. I emphatically do not mean that. I mean that it looks different, but bad. Elvira's bad taste rather than Teresa's. It's all very confusing, with waitresses in pseudo-Playboy outfits and big glowing martini glasses (or plastics or chinas, I wasn't paying such close attention). Kim G is grateful to be there but stirring the pot by saying that Jacqueline, whose daughter is feuding with Danielle, is obsessed with Danielle. Carolyn disapproves. Then Kim D gets drunk and stands with the rest of the housewives as if she doesn't know that she hasn't been officially announced yet. Albie is sad, Ashley hugs all the people who have been talking about her as a doughy mess that nobody expects anything better from. Carolyn does call the Two Kim situation a spider web, which I think was actually spot on.

And Carolyn actually looked really pretty that night, Carolyn style.

Kim G realizes that perhaps she's made a wrong move by alienating Jacqueline because she steps all over herself trying to set the tone in a more agreeable mode, but she can't fix the damage: sides are taken, lines are drawn, and hopefully this show gets cancelled because it is messing up all of their lives.

Next week, we see the Big Fight - and I do notice that Teresa went ahead and bought the chinchilla coat.

Real Housewives of New York: Gummy Bears and Tequila Shots Needed

The Real Housewives of New York marathon reunion special closed last night with a (lackluster bang). Bethenny was snarky, Sonya was real, LuAnn was fakey-gracious, Alex was taking no prisoners, Ramona was aggressive but not in a mean crappy way, Jill was a self-imagined victim and Kelly was re-writing history faster than several governments after World War II.

The gist of the show was that Kelly is pretending to believe that she was bullied, Jill is pretending to believe that everyone was mean to her, LuAnn is the New Barry White/Madonna/Fergie, and Bethenny is just over it all - enough so that she can afford to be the bigger person in areas that she might normally get ino the fray.

Blow-by-blow: Kelly, who had stomped off the stage in Hour 2, stomped back amid discussion about how she had been sent back to New York from the island with a producer. She heard this and skittered back to the couch so that no real facts about her exodus could be released and started back on her systematic bullying mantra. Her attitude was belligerent - she insinuated that Ramona had not been grateful enough that Kelly had put on her glasses to play photog, she again insisted that Bethenny wasn't a cook ("the chef was cooking, not Bethenny," she says), she again insisted that people must be jealous of her. She also came up with one good, obviously pre-scripted-by-her-media-consultant line about Pinot Grigio being Ramona's blood type. I know it's not a new line, but had I believed that Kelly had actually come up with it at that point in time, I would have had to toss out a kudo. Jill wanted people to know what a good line it was, so she said, "That was a good line," which makes me kinda think Jill fed it to her.

When Sonya tried to tell Kelly that Kelly had, in fact, been aggressive, Kelly accused Sonya of having been too drunk to accurately assess the situation. It was a really low blow, especially because Kelly was certainly throwing back her own shots. And even if Kelly had not been throwing back her own shots, it was a really rude thing to say. "You totally misjudged the situation because you're such a boozaholic."

Nobody could get through to Kelly, so they kind of left it behind. Bethenny's words were, "This isn't even fun."

I have to ask what the heck is Kelly wearing on her hand? Had she taken up falconing and accidentally shoved the poor bird up her cuff? Another PETA moment: I wear fur, I don't like animals to be abused, I have some dead ANIMAL up my sleeve.

Then they moved to the Jill/Island fiasco. I believe there's a lot that Jill is taking for granted in this situation. She has no desire to understand that the hwives were completely terrified of the Kelly situation - that for three days or whatever they'd been on edge, waiting for the next hailstorm of rage and craziness and the next and the next, and then when they got right to the toes-over side of the cliff and Sonya said, wait, there is something really, really wrong here and they were actually afraid that she'd become violent the entire night and they were afraid Kelly would have some sort of complete psychotic break that would be difficult or impossible to come back from and that she'd just left and they were finally able to breathe...

Yeah. Like that.

So to have Jill come in, pretending everything was hunky-dory and life was gummy bears and satchels of gold was just like the last drop of water on the head that puts a torture victim over the edge during water the old Chinese water torture. One drop too far.

I also don't understand why Jill hasn't edited her reasons for going to the island on the first place. "I wanted to talk to Bethenny before the holidays." First, talk about your ambush (remember, she said she felt ambushed when Bethenny showed up at Ramona's apartment to speak to her)! Second, what were the other ladies? Chopped liver? Basically, she wanted to be sure that in her holiday letter to her friends, she could write, "And after a tumultuous year, Bethenny and I have renewed our friendship and we are looking forward to pursuing additional fame and success as BFFs next year."

The problems with what Jill did have been discussed to death (by me as well as everyone else), but now with the finality of seeing exactly how Jill looks at it after months of self-examination, her actions become an even stranger attempt to cull attention and affection. She knew that Kelly had been in crisis, she knew there was drama, she had spoken to Ramona only the night before. So it was, and can only be defined as, TOTAL AMBUSH. There is no such thing as a happy surprise if not everyone in the room is going to like you being there.

Jill also said something that sounded like BS to me. This idea that she thought Kelly was going to be there, on the island, and the idea that she saw Kelly at the airport, didn't jive. If she saw Kelly at the airport, it would go without saying that Kelly was NOT going to be at Ramona's house. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and Jill also was trying to cover up the fact that she had seen Kelly at the airport. I think her consultants (who were off-camera) motioned to her and said, "don't lie."

A kind person would have called in advance - or just during the phone call of the previous evening - and said, "It sounds like things are a little anxious - I had been planning to stop by for lunch with my husband and a camera crew, but is this not a good time?"

Actually, I guess the camera crew was already there. I don't know if Jill had her own guy as well as the team already at the island house.

Jill and her four media consultants did a good job prepping Jill on pat, platitudinous apologies delivered in a flat, needs-an-acting-coach spurt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let's talk more about why I am sorry and by the way, Bethenny did you get my flowers and you look beautiful, by the way.

With the Sonya line that they "threw a friend out today," Jill said, "I got that message loud and clear." There was no protest, which annoyed her. She wanted to them to say, No, we wanted you, it was just situational.

But how about how mad Ramona was? Flouncing in front of Jill's face, so mad. And Jill throwing back, "and thanks for offering me and Bobby a glass of water." And then Ramona got up and just did the whole giant charismatic preacher act. It was a riot - an undignified riot.

The only person who Jill refused to argue with was Bethenny.

So, then Jill feels on the hot seat. Ramona isn't letting her get away with anything, and she can't argue with Bethenny because she wants everyone to think there's a chance of them making up. She doesn't know what to do with Sonya, and she also knows that Sonya is popular. So she doesn't dare tick the fans off by picking on her. So what does she do? She goes right back to her Regular Punching Bag, Alex.

"I think a lot of this was because of Alex," she said, or something like this. Alex gave short shrift to this line of reasoning, and Jill, who really had nothing concrete to say, backed right down. Alex doesn't care what Jill thinks, she's not going to be her doormat, and she's not going to let Jill paint her as a troublemaker. It's just like Jill not to say something like, "Oh, are you OK?" to Alex.

LuAnn was actually more likable in this episode than she has been all season. I am sure she took into account the fact that she got involved in too many dramas, because she kept saying that she doesn't get involved in too many dramas. I was happy to see the genuine emotion in her discussion about her divorce, and I am glad that your ex-husband doesn't actually hate-hate Jewish people (that was a hard question to sidestep, and it was classy of you not to say, "yes, well, he does" in much the way that Irish used to hate Italians because they thought they were one step up). You got your apologies from Ramona and Bethenny without doing that you have bad manners, darling act, and as a result, they were sincere apologies. Way to not dig in with the manners.

Kelly and her contradictions are disturbing, but Kelly is generally disturbing. Nothing new here. What was new was how Jill couldn't pass up the chance to yell "spread eagle" at Alex in an attempt to shame her about photos that were unearthed some time ago. See how much classier I am than Alex? Love me, love me, love me!

SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE! SPREAD EAGLE!

Totally an unlovable thing to say, and so disappointing. And so, so, so vulgar. Even though everyone is rooting for Jill to have learned something that she can take into the rest of her life to make herself a better, more admirable person, her rage at Alex means no one can get over it. It's Jill, she always needs an enemy, and that's the way it is. It's no holds barred for Jill's enemies, and Jill always crosses the line. And the fans definitely draw the line and don't like to see their boundaries crossed.

At the end, Andy asked all the hwives if they would come back, and nobody closed the door, really, except Bethenny, who really doesn't need it. Of course, she will see how things go with her show (I actually liked the second episode better, now that we are getting to know some things about some of her co-reality-stars). The one who did a kind of weird manipulative thing was Jill, who wants to be cajoled and begged to come back. She just doesn't know - it was the hardest thing of her life.

Lemme tell you - not harder than sitting home having nobody pay attention. She dumped Alex in the grease, and said probably she would not come back, because of Alex. In other words, to get me, you'd have to get rid of Alex. Which would be a stupid mistake. I don't think Alex hates Jill, but Jill saying that made me hate Jill. I was just repulsed. It completely erased any doubt I had about who Jill Zarin is.

The much-discussed hug at the end: no big deal. Bethenny didn't bother to get up, so the movement forward was all on the part of Jill. Bethenny didn't want it, she didn't need it, but her life is good and she wasn't going to be rude and say no, you freak, don't hug me. She just doesn't care. While Jill said, I'm sorry, I miss you, that's not bullshit, I really miss you, Bethenny just said over and over, I know. Not, me too, and it will be fine. Just I know.


Can't wait to see what's in the leftover clips on the floor episode next week.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Ashley Needs a Good Smack

Last week, I was almost beside myself because Danielle Staub's actions were so unbelievably infuriating. Bringing a cartload of sickly-looking (and whatever they have looks catching) and badly dressed hoodlum errand boys to protect her while she was attending a cancer fundraiser for a sick baby? Each of whom did the prison shower-shoe shuffle rather than actually walking and each of whom made vaguely threatening or distasteful comments about people who weren't in the room while Danielle (who also has her own version of shower-shoe shuffle) smiled like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth (probably not, with all the artificial material that makes up her face) and said "I'm being protected, here! Watch it!"

This week, it was boring and maddening to watch Danielle completely ignore the also-vile Kim G (and Kim G's mother-in-law Edna Garrett from the Facts of Life who, btw, looks much younger than Kim G herself) corner Danielle at her Big Girl Birthday Party to tell her that last week's behavior was Oh-So-Unsavory - Kim G was actually going on and on about whether Danielle had invited the hideous Andy Gibberish Danny as her "escort," as if Kim G was some delicate Southern flower rather than a woman who had stood idly by at a party while Hell's Angels moved menacingly through the crowd, people wielding forks threatened to use them as weapons and the irrepressible Danny (whom Richard Lawson over at Gawker brilliantly calls "Scraps") called her son's best friend a spineless fag*ot. Yes.

THAT Kim G.

Kim G's mother-in-law could barely keep the smile off her face while she put in her two cents about how bad Danielle's behavior was. You could just see that if she were an extra on a real show, instead of an extra on a reality show, they would have to fire her because she would have to keep trying her line over and over again because she kept cracking up. "I love you but I have to talk to you," is I believe how she put it.

Danielle started crying and said the friend of my enemy is my enemy, and said, no! I am a gay advocate (by which she means she has heard this is a good thing to be) and he was not calling an actually fag*ot a fa*got, just that 20-year-old kid to whom I had already given an f-u moment - her actual words, but spelled out - by walking up to him and shaking his hand (but in a I-got-you kind of way). She started crying and being a victim because you can never, ever be Danielle's friend if you disagree with her idea of what is appropriate behavior. So Kim G and her mother (Edna Garrett) back down and let Danielle go on and on with her delusional version of victimization, and you could see in their eyes that they were done. They might still hang around her, but they know that she's a complete nutter and they really, really don't see any point in getting in any deeper. They might get in longer, but not deeper.

And knowing they were done, I was so happy to realize that I also am done. This character is too vile and too unchangeable to be actually interesting. She's done the most interesting thing she ever can. And now we're done.

It was kind of a yawn to watch Danielle buy Danny (her male alter ago) a suit (or more likely get one free from the stupid man who thought this would bring good publicity for his business). The prison and courtroom humor wasn't funny and showed a kind of nose-thumbing to any laws they broke or time they served. It was a big adolescent joke, like when Robert Downey, Jr. asked Jodie Foster to put money on his books.

That's not what you call moving away from your past.

It was also a yawn, but a really annoying one, to watch Dina go to tell Danielle she is out of her life. I never understood that - first of all, it wasn't like Danielle and Dina were super-close and the cord needed to be cut. The cord was cut a long time ago, and to bring it up again is just pretty harsh. It's the kind of  "I need closure so I don't give a damn how this impacts you, because this is about me."

I actually had a friend who had an imagined fight with me last year, and when she apologized and said it wasn't about me, it was about her, I ended the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is only ever going to see things from her own point of view. Maybe this was the idea that Dina had when she set out on this mission, but it all seemed backward and over the top since she hadn't been seeing Danielle as a friend. Though she said on her blog that she was always texting supportive things to Danielle - but again, a text does not a relationship make.

So - this week's horror show was watered-down and blech. Except for Ashley. Ashley is a not-too-bright teenager with a doughy body and a doughy brain. By "doughy," I am not talking about Ashley's ready access to food. I am talking about Ashley's obvious conviction that there is no reason in the world that she should ever do any kind of work or behave like a decent young lady or be grateful for any of the vast riches that she has in the world.

By which, I mean, her car. Because really, she doesn't have anything else.

Her parents have not done much to spur Ashley to work or go to college or do anything productive. They do pay for her automobile and they give her money for her clothes and haircuts and pizza.

So what does Ashley do with her spare time?

She fights with Danielle online.

Of course, Danielle takes every little comment and makes it into something it's not. Her reality is truly frightening, because she's a psychopath. Ashley says something along the lines of we all know where you're going...to HELL and in Danielle's weird mind, somehow this is a death threat. "Like what, I'm going to hell now?"

(Which could have just been a realization that she has a lot of repenting to do, pronto.)

So Jacqueline, Ashley's mother, goes to lunch with her friend Teresa and she decides that rather than staying home and calling her daughter on the carpet, she will stay at lunch and eat orange soup and drink wine and then question her about whether it's true that she made a terroristic threat to Danielle. To which Ashley responds, "Do I look like a person who could kill a person?"

To which I immediately thought, yes, yes you do.

Ashley thought this was a big lark, even when her boyfriend (and how lucky she is to have a boyfriend, because I don't see what she really has to offer) told her to cool it. In fact, immediately after speaking to her mother, who told her to stop posting on Facebook - the battleground for this war - Ashley posted on Facebook to tell everyone that Danielle had signed out a warrant for her arrest (which, by the way, was not true at that time - Ashley was trying to influence her friends to hate Danielle even more). Jacqueline called her and told her to take it down NOW, but Ashley just smiled that insipid Ashley smile and made it all out to be a big joke to which only she knew the punchline.

Then at a big Family Dinner, Ashley brought up the Danielle issue to her entire extended family, because she wanted everyone to laugh and tell her how cute she was being and how stupid her parents were for not seeing how Very Right Ashley Was. Because her parents had told her not to tell anyone. Ashley made a crack about Danielle that was pretty ugly, but which was also the kind of thing that drunk people laugh at. Even her stepfather laughed, which Ashely took to mean that she was utterly adorable and she should keep doing it, only faster and harder.

So - what Ashley is missing, of course, is any kind of accountability. Presumably she is mad because Danielle said she had fat arms and called her a bad name, but rather than just brushing it off, she took it several steps too far. And now she has a criminal record.

So - when your daughter can't control herself and when she believes that she needs to fight your on-screen wars, does that mean it's time to get off the TV?

As for Teresa and her bankruptcy, no surprise there. What is a surprise is that they only claimed $79K of income last year, which wouldn't pay the mortgage for one of their houses, let alone all four of them. Or the clothes that she buys her daughters with the deluded notion that she is making them "fabulous" instead of "ridiculous." I am sorry for her - I think she really made herself believe that her poor daughter would become a star and slot them right into a Child Star Parents Life. And that her book would be such a hit that it would completely get them out of debt. Now it's time to pay the piper - and I hope she does, with humility and grace, rather than martyrdom and tears.

The Finale of RHONY - Jacques and Jill, PLus Jill's Weird Popeye the Sailor-man Life Mantra

The major thing I took away from last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York is that I really, really, really dislike Jill Zarin. Did I mention how much I dislike Jill Zarin? By the way, I really dislike Jill Zarin.

Everyone else on the show - Kelly included - seemed to be trying to put their best feet forward.

Jill believed she was also being a grand and gracious lady. However, the thing that will always come to my mind when I think of Jill Zarin and how much I dislike her is that when Alex tried to go say something to Jill at Ramona's Wedding II (because Alex is an honestly good person who blew her stack at Jill for a litany of well-deserved reasons, but Alex is also a decent person who would rather eat a little crow and do the right thing than ignore the fact that she hurt someone - even someone who deserved it as much as Jill), Jill put her hands up and rudely tottered away in her too-tight, too-short dress and too-tight shoes.

I have to say that the gilding has rubbed off this lily. First season, Jill was a tubby little Jewish housewife, the younger and petted spouse of a guy with some money and a business, and she seemed to enjoy the nice things that were in her life but not rely on them as props. She shopped, she bought often bad dresses and occasionally good dresses, she made much of her daughter and tried to embrace people when they were feeling sad or beaten.

Now, of course, Jill's true colors are out and anyone who is sad or beaten is fair game for Jill and her posse of followers, because in Jill's mind she is so important that anyone feeling beaten or sad should feel triply so, because Jill agrees with all the reasons it is so.

Over the last two seasons, Jill has worked overtime to try to reinvent herself as a true socialite (rather than just an occasional party-attender and eat-outer) and style-setter. Two problems here: Jill doesn't have the selflessness to do non-self-aggrandizing charity, and she doesn't have particularly good taste. As evidence on the taste part, I point out her circus of an apartment - the worst-ever issue of Traditional Home. Too, too much - no editing eye, no skill at creating (or approving, since I think it was her dog-walker/pal/vague colleague who did the actual design) flow for the eye or little jewels for the eye to light upon in its journey around the room.

Jill also lost a lot of weight and got her arms toned, had her hair done and learned to sit up straight as well. Of course, when you read about how Jill lost weight, she loses points. She ordered a big plate of food, ate half of it, and then spilled her glass of beverage all over the remainder of the food. The waiters and their difficulty in bringing her sloshing plate back to the kitchen be damned! The idea of ordering a half-portion wrapped for later or donating food to people who would be glad to eat it even with her Nehi Orange spilled over the top...

There was some surgery - reduction, maybe? And something in the face - or just some good old-fashioned Botox. One of my favorite moments from the season remains the time that Alex was chairing her Brooklyn fashion party and asked Ramona, Kelly and Luann to walk the runway - but NOT JILL.

Jill said something along the lines, "Oh, what good choices. Kelly and Luann were models, although of course, I am a size 0 (or 2, I can't remember the exact size) and Luann is certainly not that small a size anymore." In other words: pick me, pick me, pick me!

Of course, she didn't get picked, and for this, more than anything else, Jill cannot forgive Alex. Oh, the outburst was uncomfortable, but really, not choosing the beautiful Jill Zarin - stylesetter, tastemaker, size 0 - was the true wedgie in the whole salad of vengeance.

All that shine has lost its luster. At last night's finale, Jill looked heavy and her skin looked sallow and almost dirty (a light mist of spray tan, maybe?). Her lips looked thin, her nose looked long and her hair looked stringy and frizzy at the same time. The black outfit she wore in her talking head segments made her look wide, and the pink outfit she wore to LuAnn's CD party was a) way too young and b) way too tight. Her gut actually looked like maybe there was a life-preserver or a six-foot sub in there for emergencies. The dress she wore to Ramona's renewal ceremony was too tight and too short (yes, I know I've already said this, but here it is again) and looked, frankly, like something she borrowed out of her daughter's closet before getting her Gina Lollobrigida hairdo.

Which I believe means that Jill is a little depressed.

And who wouldn't be depressed? She lost her BFF Bethenny, Alex called her a "mean girl," Ramona kicked her off a whole island, and people are all over the world are telling her what a witch she is.

And then last night, two friends whose opinions she says she values, plus Sonja, a new voice whose opinion should be considered as well (because that's a lot of people saying the same thing) told Jill that she needs to do a lot of changing. And Jill's answer: Well, I can't change. I am who I am.

Gee, thanks, Popeye the Sailor-man.

And so Jill should get ready for a lot of solo nights on her questionable new sofa with a can of Pringles and a good Pinot grigio.

Because the things that people don't like about Jill are things they not only don't like: they are things they will no longer countenance. This includes betrayal, backstabbing, judging, criticizing, and being a good, old-fashioned General Categories Bitch.

Jill's first sad move of the evening was when she tottered into Le Cirque for her very public let's-put-things-to-rest luncheon with Bethenny. After months of skewering Bethenny to all and sundry, Jill realizes that she has backed the wrong horse and no matter how insanely jealous she is about Bethenny's amazing life successes, it would be better to walk alongside that parade float waving to the crowd than be on the sidelines having some toddler throwing popcorn or dripping Popsicles down her back. And perhaps, just perhaps, if she plays this right, Bethenny will allow Jill to ride on the parade float and Jill will take her rightful place in the heavens - perfectly poised to knock Bethenny off that high horse should the opportunity arise or even merely take over briefly if for any reason Bethenny is unable to fulfill her duties...

So Jill sets forth this not-terribly-gracious agenda: 1) asking Bethenny to forgive Jill because Jill felt so hurt by Bethenny's imagined sins and ambushed by Bethenny's attempt to reconcile and 2) understand that while Jill's behavior all along has been beyond reproach, if Bethenny took something out of context and felt hurt, Jill is being the bigger person and rising above it all, and certainly Bethenny can see that for herself, because if she doesn't, Bethenny is just not the thoughtful and considerate person Jill believes she could be if she has Jill in her life.

Despite Jill's constant lifting-of-her-napkin to her watering eyes (and once to her nose), Bethenny remains steadfast. She wells up once or twice, but she is not thinking with loving memory about her erstwhile friendship with Jill Zarin; instead, Bethenny is thinking about the months and months of sheer and utter hell she went through at the hands of this woman, how this betrayal pained her, and how hard it was to put it behind her.

So after laying out her Friendship Renewal Plan to Bethenny, Jill waits with baited breath to see how fast Bethenny is going to hug her, sob, sob, it's all over, thank God, I missed you, giving Jill the chance to say, sob, I missed you, too, can you believe that dope LuAnn is doing a record and she thinks she can sing and can you believe Ramona is renewing her vows at this weird random seventeen years and how strange is that and blah blah blah blah.

Instead, Jill gets her turn to be surprised when Bethenny agreeably calls their separation a divorce and adds that divorce is hard. She looks completely together and not at all broken up when she says this. Because, I reiterate, for Bethenny, the worst pain happened all those months ago when Jill was bad-mouthing Bethenny to all and sundry, assuming that everyone would rush to Team Jill.

So they leave and it's all good for Bethenny, but Jill is hanging onto the simple facts that Bethenny didn't throw cherry tomatoes at her and call her a ho-bag as possible evidence that she and Bethenny will soon be summering in the Hamptons, shopping at Bendels, and jawing for long talky sessions about babies, life, and the other Housewives. Maybe Jill will even get to be Matron of Honor and Godmother!

Round 2: Sonja tells Jill and LuAnn to zip it about the Island thing. This is at LuAnn's CD party, to which she has brought not the cheesy blond Court but rather the sloppy brown Jacques, who was lucky enough to steal a tweed jacket circa 1978 from a passing hobo on his way into the big do. LuAnn is beside herself, kissing this guy over and over and over and over and over again, with a big smile on her face that is at times giddy, at times maternal. Jill is in her too-tight pink tube dress, and she starts to moan about getting kicked off the island, and LuAnn - who has just kissed a guy so many times on national television that it is possible she was trying to suck chicken out of his teeth - starts in with the manners of the situation. Sonja starts to intervene in defense of Ramona, and LuAnn talks louder and faster. Sonja tries again, and LuAnn again tries to out talk Sonja. So Sonja says, "Please let me talk and quit talking over me and by the way, you weren't there," and LuAnn realizes she's being rude which won't look good for book sales and lets Sonja point out that Jill had declined the invitation, that Jill knew there was tension and drama on the trip from her constant iPhoning of Kelly, and that Ramona had spoken to Jill just the night before Jill made her big entrance on St. Johns and that if Jill had planned to come, she should have broached the idea then rather than springing it on everybody as a big fait accompli.

Basically, Sonja told Jill to quit belly-aching and acting like a victim, because she wasn't a victim.

Amazingly, Kelly stayed quiet throughout this scene, even when Sonja somewhat tactlessly - but not maliciously - said that the St. Johns party had just started to get good after Kelly left and things got back to normal. Good for Kelly. She was trying to think what to say, and wisely stayed silent. She looked far smarter and much less crazy this way.

Round 3: Just before Ramona's Wedding II, Jill surprises Ramona in her palatial suite of rooms at the Pierre. Surprise! she says, cattily. Ramona says, oh, I like this surprise and hugs Jill. Jill lets Ramona know how hurt she was by the whole island thing (Jill and Kelly persist in calling it Poison Island, which is really not very nice for tourism and really is about themselves - frankly, New York could be considered poison island with them on it) but that they've been friends for 15 years and she would never miss Ramona's big day (even if she has been making fun or Ramona's big day non-stop since first she heard the news). Ramona says she loves Jill, but she says that Jill needs to start thinking about things from the point-of-view of other people sometimes, and Jill basically doesn't want to hear this, so she slinks out of the room in disgrace, her Big Moment of Forgiveness toward Ramona having been upstaged by advice about Jill's Own Behavior.

Down to the ballroom where the guests are being served champagne and NO APPETIZERS. Jill, LuAnn and the new one who is super-boring but runs some sort of eventy business are appalled at the lack of appetizers and the fact that guests are being plied with beverages before the ceremony, which will make the other guests drunk. Then they get an eyeful of the woman who is the party planner (who has been standing there having to listen to these joy-sucks denigrate the whole party) and the Party Planning Housewife says, "Would you let her plan your event?"

Meaning, I guess, that she's a little on the chubby and bottle-blonde side, I guess, and maybe her pantsuit was not super-super. But still - how unprofessional for one member of an industry to say that about another member of the same industry, especially standing just two feet from the recipient of your insult. I especially love the extra-classy touch when Eventy Housewife (her name isn't even on the Web site) says that everybody has an opinion and everybody has an "asshole" (thanks for the heads-up and crassness, and thanks even more for demonstrating what an asshole actually looks like with your forefinger and thumb - super helpful and way elegant!).

Gotta add that the hot-chocolate-skating party didn't look all that hot at all to me. I've done lots of kids' parties - because I have kids - and lots of big parties and events, and to my very experienced eyes, you really ought not to have been dissing any party planner. Because it was unprofessional, it was rude, and you don't look that swell, either, babe.

The ceremony starts after Avery gets her way about not carrying the flowers and the dog, and everything is a little hallmarky but obviously very precious to all concerned and everybody looked beautiful. Just prior to the arrival of the guests of honor/wedding party, Jill notes that the chairs placed on either side of the aisle make it look like the two "teams" are separated, which is a particularly un-lovely and divisive remark to make (also, Sonja looked annoyed to have been put in the position of being on any team). Way to keep it classy, Jill! Passing out T-shirts just before the ceremony to let everyone know exactly how popular you are would have been just slightly less icky. Maybe they could say Team Jill on the front and Zarin Fabrics on the back, and you could write them off as marketing materials!

After the ceremony, everybody sort of wraps up their feelings about stuff with each other. Bethenny, obviously in the final stages of any regret over the loss of Jill Zarin in her life, breaks down and tells Ramona and Alex, somewhat awkwardly but with obviously a full heart and the best wishes, that she never knew how very wonderful they are (because Jill told her they weren't all that great) and she is so grateful for them and their support during the last few difficult months.

Jill finishes with LuAnn, the Party Wench, Sonja, Ramona, and then moves to Bethenny. I hope we'll be besties, she says to the Golden Girl with the World Dangling from a Smart Hermes Strap on her Wrist. "You'd have to change a lot," replies Bethenny, to which Jill gets a look on her face like she's just licked moldy bread because this was not in her mind-script and says, "I'm not perfect, I am human, I am who I am."

Really? Again? Getting life advice from Popeye the Sailor-man???

As an aside, I don't know what Simon meant when he called his kilty ensemble half-man/half-skirt, but people say stupid stuff at parties, especially when there are no appetizers before the ceremony. Right, Jill? Almost as bad an an e-vite! I like Simon and think he is a kind person who certainly makes things interesting. Also, his blog is hi-lar-i-ous!

So the party is in full swing and everyone is having a grand time and Alex decides to try to put the Crow Suit on and tell Jill she is sorry. Jill, however, always needs someone to have as an enemy. Did you notice that as soon as Alex unleashed her full fury on Jill, Jill backed off of Bethenny? It's so tiring to have to hate two whole people at one time! So she puts her chubby little hands up, backs away as if Alex had tried to actually touch her back and says, "I'm not doing this."

Jill! That is not how a lady behaves. What you do is you smile at Alex, say I'm glad we could both be here for Ramona tonight, what a lovely ceremony, and if Alex wants to discuss anything more and you don't want to, say, "I'd be so interested in hearing what you have to say, but my head is swimming from all the excitement tonight. Let's plan to do it another time." And then hug, peck, walk away. Take that manners lesson, Countess! 

Because cutting Alex dead at your friend's party is simply rude and makes you look - again - like a spoiled brat. You are not a victim! You are a manipulator! Take some responsibility for your childish antics and start using your feeble powers to help someone with better powers do good.

Can't wait for next week's reunion, whilst dreading it as well.

A Post that Will Take up the Whole Interrnet

Yes, yes, yes - I know that the Internet is not going to be affected by my post. This is my way of announcing that I have a very long post coming up, so be prepared. Get a cup of tea or refreshing beverage of your choice, use the facilities, and settle in for War and Peace.

Actually, since this is about The Real Housewives of New York City and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it's actually more accurate to say War and War.

I find these shows almost too horrible to watch, and yet I do. Watch. Them. And the reason I do? Because there is something sickly recognizable in so many of these women. Not that many people I know are quite as concentrated as the Housewives. But they are indeed real. Real scary, real sad, real strange...pick an adjective, and you probably have it.

It was harder to pin down the personalities of the Housewives in earlier seasons of these shows. The plain truth is that just about anyone can behave well for a short period of time without a camera, the Internet, and the eyes and ears of the world on them. For those that might have personality disorders and/or other major stressors in their lives, the camera simply increases the speed with which we see true colors. Add in millions of bloggers dissecting their thoughts (or just calling them ho-bags) and lives and you get the Perfect Season.

It is almost exhausting to have RHONY and RHONJ on at the same time, because the drama is so overwhelming. On the one hand, you have Jill Zarin, princess on the potty demanding we all watch her poop - or if you prefer, ice skate (for me, it's just too hard to watch either one). Then, on the other hand, you have Kelly Bensimon, perhaps the dimmest bulb of all but so filled with repressed anger that she has obviously tried to bottle up lo these many years only to have it ooze back from her mouth in a constant chorus of "zip its," "everybody hates yous" and similar rude but incoherent outbursts.

Darn it! In order to do the on one hand, then the other properly, I have to be Vishnu at least: there are a lot of hands in this discussion!

So - with my extra hands.

On the third hand, you have super-duper scary woman Danielle, nee Beverly. Danielle's scariness is not in her unsavory past - and it is REALLY an unsavory past, not just an uncomfortable one. No, Danielle's scariness is in her present. Between her Michael Jackson-esque looks and her paranoia and her viciousness and her - well, ALL of it, really - Danielle is the definitely the Housewife Nobody Can Trust for Even 10 Minutes.

Then on the fourth hand, you have Luann, who is really taking the countess darling thing way too far. Does she not understand that she is not behaving like royalty so much as she is behaving like Mrs. Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island? "Darling" this and "darling" that - really??? The fact that she can't countenance the word "ho-bag" redeemed her somewhat in my mind, but I still can't get over the fact that 1) the countess of class had her book cover photo photographed while she was posed across a bed and 2) that she behaves like a 13-year-old girl with Jill in their mindless and sadly desperate attempts to put Bethenny down (Bethenny being the plucky one who pulled herself up by her bootstraps and built herself a tidy little empire, plus found a man and had a baby to boot).

Tonight is the New York episode in which Jill and Bethenny finally talk it all over. I can't imagine that too many people are particularly pulling for Jill's sudden-realized wish for renewed friendship with Bethenny, who, after all, moved on from sitting around Jill's beach house when she was sad to feeling better and working and dating and all the goodies that lead from there. While Jill partied through her husband's illness in style (and blogged about "good times," no less), she nonetheless expected Bethenny to drop all for a good mani-pedi session in which Jill would get to cry and moan about how unfair life is. Because Jill's issue wasn't about Bethenny not knowing how sick Bobby was, but rather Jill's issue was about Bethenny not giving Jill the opportunity to play the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny so Bethenny could witness Jill playing the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny.

The important thing about all of that being: in front of Bethenny. Jill's angst is actually not even a blip if there is no audience for her to play her "emotions" off of. Jill Zarin, my friends, does not exist in a vaccuum.

Which is why Jill was so shocked to find out that somehow, while off her radar, Bethenny managed to get herself a series of hit books, a booming business, and a boyfriend. And Jill is mad, mad, mad at Bethenny - how dare that woman go and seek her own life when I was so good to her! when I was dealing with my poor sick husband! when I was bored!

And then the Other Shoes Falls: if Bethenny is getting married, then someone is going to have to advise (oh so tastefully, and maybe with the opportunity to shill her husband's fabric business) about the perfect event, and someone is going to get to be a bridesmaid (ooh, maybe even a matron of honor!), and someone is going to get the chance to see the bride's dress in advance, giving her the perfect chance to buy a dress that will upstage the bride on Her Big Day (who's big day? Jill's Big Day, of course!).

Let's not even go into all the media moment chances if Jill gets to throw the Engagement Party, the Bridal Shower, and the (oh, how exciting!) Baby Shower.

So, Jill realizes that she really, really, really played this entire thing pretty foolishly. Had she just said to Bethenny in the first place, "By the way, Bobby's sick and I need to talk, but I know how busy you are - let's have a little chat when you have a chance." And, should that not work out, just to say either, "That's it, she isn't really into my problems and maybe can't handle them, so I am going to just figure that she's not that kind of friend," or, "Well, she must have a lot on her plate, and we seem to be handling things beautifully, so good for her - love and this success is what we always wanted for her."

Because that way, your bridge is not incinerated and someday you can be friends or at least in the same room together.

Now, I am very happy for Bobby that all seems to have worked out for him. How nice he is to his sallow, moody and unattractive wife, and how sad that she behaves as if she is his homely but lovable daughter for whom he has to run interference, making himself look foolish and no doubt adding to his health problems.

The thing that made Jill Zarin the punchline of any joke during her fifteen minutes and long after: her initial belief that anyone would believe that her outrage at Bethenny had any basis in anything but Jill's own narcissism. Clue: she talked about it to anyone who would listen before she'd spoken to Bethenny herself. Clue: she threw Bethenny under the bus in dozens of documented incidents, including the infamous speakerphone RudeFest with the Countess of Crass, Luann von Luannberg de Luannness du Luannesito. Clue: she thought her own life was more important than Bethenny's. Bethenny and a boyfriend? Nyet! (only Jill may have a going relationship!). Bethenny and a successful business? Nyet! (only Jill may have a business - though technically, it was built by her husband's family, but since Jill works so hard as a salesgirl, I guess she'll get it lock, stock and barrel despite her bad taste and not-really-working-here vibe). Bethenny and best-selling books? Nyet! (Jill would like to do that first, though of course, thanks to people not being able to take Jill seriously as a role model for parenting, marriage or life, Jill's book was a serious flop - a Mr. T autobiography without the gravitas - and plus, it happened way after Bethenny was telling people how to get skinny and being entertaining about it made her a New York Times bestseller).

So - Jill is obviously trying to hitch her saggy-ass, liposucted, throw-her-water-on-her-food-so-she- won't-be-tempted-to-eat-it - the waiters be damed! - star to that of someone smarter, cooler and prettier - and Bethenny doesn't appear to be selling any tickets to social-climby, mean, childish witches.
By the way - have you noticed that any of the women on my Vishnu-esque hands have done nothing personally? A woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags is a woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags.

Get a freakin' accomplishment!

Figure out a way to buy your own handbags! And please - don't forget to get a handbag with a compartment for all your prescribed drugs.

Jill, I think you are a wiener.

Which leads me to - eenie, meenie, minie - who?

Kelly. I think she's a pretty sick ticket, but I also think that any murders or maimings that happen to the Housewives at Kelly's hands are totally on the souls, checkbooks and criminal records of the Good Folks at Bravo. She is scary because she has an already proven propensity for violence. Her poor children, which I throw in obviously for the sentimental vote, but which I also throw in because she took her kids out for a de facto happy meal to announce she was spreading all for a few dineros from Playboy magazine.

Thanks, mom! You're the best! Hardly anyone at my school will be commenting on your perky, but undeniably 4-decade-old, knockers! Thanks for making it so much easier to get through my adolescence!

Luann. Babe, I understand the whole song thing. Quite frankly, I can't sing, either. Iwould love to have someone airbrush me to within an inch of my younger, hotter, prettier self. So - I can't fault you for the song, which is just ridiculous, if in fact class is what you're after. This is not going to make you the chair of any of these charity events after which you're hankering. It's just going to make you the subject of giggles.

That guy - what is his name? Court? Really? Court? No. No. First of all, there's no way I believe he is entirely heterosexual if he has style. And if he is not trying to be gay and ironic, then he has no style.

Anyway, it is a bad bet, from his large, ungainly teeth to his haircut of which can only be said that it reminds me of the Simple Jack character from the Tropic Thunder movie.

Luann - do charity. Enjoy your children. Stop egging Jill on, because Jill is a tar-baby in every sense of the word - she brings upon you sticky, nasty feelings, and that's not just from Regular Folks who Might Enjoy You on Some Level but also from Important People who Might Give You a Real Life. Admit to everyone - loudly - that you made a huge mistake with the Sneaky Speakerphone Incident - you were vulnerable and fragile and not thinking like a girl who could advise other girls about how to behave. We all have our sad moments, and say this was one of yours.

Danielle. Last but yeast. Not a typo.

Honey, you have had every chance. But you bring Scraps (credit to Gawker, because THAT is the best possible name for that sad, John Cougar/bad guy you incorporated into your posse) and Keg (Kim G, the saddest of all possible climbers, who pretended to be a decent woman yet let you and Scraps talk foully about *ing up places up in a benefit for a baby with cancer)?

You know what - Damnielle gets a whole post when I have more time to list her list. And, as a Catholic school mother, I must say - if the Church doesn't denounce its airing of Damnielle's meeting with a priest, I may have to organize a mad-campaign to the Vatican, because that just completely cemented the whole priest-with-bad-judgment thing.