(pictured below -- which photo is LuAnn de Lesseps, Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon?)
I have to think that Kelly was trying to be nice by supporting Ramona Singer is her midlife marriage vow renewal bachelorette party. But she's too jealous of Bethenny Frankel's success (author, entrepreneur, fiancee, mom-to-be, chef, non-horse) to be able to be in her presence. Word vomit just POURS out. It doesn't help that Kelly doesn't seem to be very bright, and her puppet strings are being pulled by the self-centered Super Jealous Geriatric JAP, Jill Zarin.
There was a scene in which Kelly just freaked out about the fact that the women were discussing anxious epsiodes they had had with Jill, and rather than just saying something wise, such as, "It's uncomfortable for me to hear this -- I am going to step out for a minute," Kelly starts talking about the women at the table as being mean, desperate, etc. Kelly likes to tell people how above it all she is.
She's actually like Luanne de Lesseps in that way.
Anyway, after throwing her tantrum and turning her voice up notch after notch in an attempt not to have anyone argue with her (because she's too stupid to rebut a valid point), Kelly flounces out with a Big Entrance. But then she couldn't find the door -- she just went from glass pane to glass pane looking for the way out. Finally, a waitress opened the door for her.
Bethenny's father had just died, and though Bethenny did not have a good relationship with him (because he was selfish and not a very good parent), she was obviously conflicted. I don't know why it is that Kelly can't understand that sometimes grief is not about losing something precious, but rather about losing the possibility of something precious. Because Kelly just tells Bethenny to basically get over herself. Because only Kelly has valid feelings, and she doesn't dwell on them -- but this, of course, is because Kelly is about as introspective as linoleum.
She also thinks feelings are, like, so 1979. Wow - way to use history to present a point of contention.
Later, Bethenny is sitting there just being sober (the only one, btw) and, out of the blue, Kelly goes apeshit on her! I hate to use this word, but this is the Actual Psychiatric Term for it. She tells Bethenny that Bethenny is NOT A REAL CHEF, and nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her, nobody cares about her.
Umm, well, yeah. Nobody, except Bethenny's now-husband (then-fiance), the millions who bought her books, the millions who drink her Skinnygirl Margarita, the hundreds of thousands who eat who Bethenny Bakes products, her friends - oh, and yeah -- Kelly and Jill (and hanger-on LuAnn), who can do nothing but talk about Bethenny.
And then, Kelly tells Sonya (the new housewife, the one who talks a lot about sex), that she doesn't believe in one-night stands and that if Sonya had it like Kelly, she wouldn't give it away. I think by this, Kelly means the penis. None of the other Housewives has one.
And THEN - out of the blue, Kelly accuses Bethenny of sleeping around America and calls her a ho-bag. And she's proud of this! It's the actual Best She Can Do!
Bethenny basically roars with laughter at this: she's sober, and she's way smarter than Kelly and her Spray Tan and her Columbia degree which shows exactly how worthless a Columbia education must be. And she tells Kelly that she's the most unintelligent person that she's ever been around.
Points on Bethenny's side:
1. Kelly doesn't know what eating crow means
2. When the other Housewives are talking about a wine shortage, Kelly exhorts them not to stomp the grapes as she planned to eat them.
3. She tells the other Housewives that they better not make lemons out of lemonade (and no, she's not being ironic)
4. She's proud of the ho-bag insult
5. Kelly was texting and mobile-phoning her every move to Jill and LuAnn, who opted not to go because they would both look like cottage cheese in bikinis
Apparently, Kelly is very proud of her Columbia degree (which she may have earned, but which is no credit to Columbia, as Kelly is as dumb as Formica) and believes that SHE HERSELF is not a ho-bag, despite the fact that her only claim to fame is marrying a fashion photog and staying married long enough to have Child Support Worthy Children. She's not a reporter, she's not an editor, she's just a girl whose sexual abiltiies captured the attention of an old guy with clout for a while. And actually -- I am not sure that she's a GIRL.
Kelly is also being sued by a woman from Elle magazine who designed the Owl jewelry that Kelly claims to have designed. The fact that these are really ugly pieces of jewelry and that Kelly stole the idea is beside the point - some people have God-awful taste - the fact is Kelly has never had an original idea in her stupid life.
I mean, two daughters? My mother had two daughters and then an extra one to boot. THAT'S original.
Now, more about my mother - she likes LuAnn. I do not understand that, because my mother usually has fairly good judgment.
Mom -- how can you like a woman who claims to have class but who tongue-kisses a Flock of Seagulls look-alike in a crappy feel-good "we have drinks to change you mood" (who doesn't) bar in Chinatown? And then -- this seflsame woman CLAIMS TO HAVE CLASS.
Mother - if one of your daughters did that, you'd be very disappointed. Also, and I hate to tell you this, but I suspect that LuAnn has chipped nail polish.
