A Post that Will Take up the Whole Interrnet

Yes, yes, yes - I know that the Internet is not going to be affected by my post. This is my way of announcing that I have a very long post coming up, so be prepared. Get a cup of tea or refreshing beverage of your choice, use the facilities, and settle in for War and Peace.

Actually, since this is about The Real Housewives of New York City and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it's actually more accurate to say War and War.

I find these shows almost too horrible to watch, and yet I do. Watch. Them. And the reason I do? Because there is something sickly recognizable in so many of these women. Not that many people I know are quite as concentrated as the Housewives. But they are indeed real. Real scary, real sad, real strange...pick an adjective, and you probably have it.

It was harder to pin down the personalities of the Housewives in earlier seasons of these shows. The plain truth is that just about anyone can behave well for a short period of time without a camera, the Internet, and the eyes and ears of the world on them. For those that might have personality disorders and/or other major stressors in their lives, the camera simply increases the speed with which we see true colors. Add in millions of bloggers dissecting their thoughts (or just calling them ho-bags) and lives and you get the Perfect Season.

It is almost exhausting to have RHONY and RHONJ on at the same time, because the drama is so overwhelming. On the one hand, you have Jill Zarin, princess on the potty demanding we all watch her poop - or if you prefer, ice skate (for me, it's just too hard to watch either one). Then, on the other hand, you have Kelly Bensimon, perhaps the dimmest bulb of all but so filled with repressed anger that she has obviously tried to bottle up lo these many years only to have it ooze back from her mouth in a constant chorus of "zip its," "everybody hates yous" and similar rude but incoherent outbursts.

Darn it! In order to do the on one hand, then the other properly, I have to be Vishnu at least: there are a lot of hands in this discussion!

So - with my extra hands.

On the third hand, you have super-duper scary woman Danielle, nee Beverly. Danielle's scariness is not in her unsavory past - and it is REALLY an unsavory past, not just an uncomfortable one. No, Danielle's scariness is in her present. Between her Michael Jackson-esque looks and her paranoia and her viciousness and her - well, ALL of it, really - Danielle is the definitely the Housewife Nobody Can Trust for Even 10 Minutes.

Then on the fourth hand, you have Luann, who is really taking the countess darling thing way too far. Does she not understand that she is not behaving like royalty so much as she is behaving like Mrs. Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island? "Darling" this and "darling" that - really??? The fact that she can't countenance the word "ho-bag" redeemed her somewhat in my mind, but I still can't get over the fact that 1) the countess of class had her book cover photo photographed while she was posed across a bed and 2) that she behaves like a 13-year-old girl with Jill in their mindless and sadly desperate attempts to put Bethenny down (Bethenny being the plucky one who pulled herself up by her bootstraps and built herself a tidy little empire, plus found a man and had a baby to boot).

Tonight is the New York episode in which Jill and Bethenny finally talk it all over. I can't imagine that too many people are particularly pulling for Jill's sudden-realized wish for renewed friendship with Bethenny, who, after all, moved on from sitting around Jill's beach house when she was sad to feeling better and working and dating and all the goodies that lead from there. While Jill partied through her husband's illness in style (and blogged about "good times," no less), she nonetheless expected Bethenny to drop all for a good mani-pedi session in which Jill would get to cry and moan about how unfair life is. Because Jill's issue wasn't about Bethenny not knowing how sick Bobby was, but rather Jill's issue was about Bethenny not giving Jill the opportunity to play the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny so Bethenny could witness Jill playing the victim Being Brave and Scared and Still Fabulous in front of Bethenny.

The important thing about all of that being: in front of Bethenny. Jill's angst is actually not even a blip if there is no audience for her to play her "emotions" off of. Jill Zarin, my friends, does not exist in a vaccuum.

Which is why Jill was so shocked to find out that somehow, while off her radar, Bethenny managed to get herself a series of hit books, a booming business, and a boyfriend. And Jill is mad, mad, mad at Bethenny - how dare that woman go and seek her own life when I was so good to her! when I was dealing with my poor sick husband! when I was bored!

And then the Other Shoes Falls: if Bethenny is getting married, then someone is going to have to advise (oh so tastefully, and maybe with the opportunity to shill her husband's fabric business) about the perfect event, and someone is going to get to be a bridesmaid (ooh, maybe even a matron of honor!), and someone is going to get the chance to see the bride's dress in advance, giving her the perfect chance to buy a dress that will upstage the bride on Her Big Day (who's big day? Jill's Big Day, of course!).

Let's not even go into all the media moment chances if Jill gets to throw the Engagement Party, the Bridal Shower, and the (oh, how exciting!) Baby Shower.

So, Jill realizes that she really, really, really played this entire thing pretty foolishly. Had she just said to Bethenny in the first place, "By the way, Bobby's sick and I need to talk, but I know how busy you are - let's have a little chat when you have a chance." And, should that not work out, just to say either, "That's it, she isn't really into my problems and maybe can't handle them, so I am going to just figure that she's not that kind of friend," or, "Well, she must have a lot on her plate, and we seem to be handling things beautifully, so good for her - love and this success is what we always wanted for her."

Because that way, your bridge is not incinerated and someday you can be friends or at least in the same room together.

Now, I am very happy for Bobby that all seems to have worked out for him. How nice he is to his sallow, moody and unattractive wife, and how sad that she behaves as if she is his homely but lovable daughter for whom he has to run interference, making himself look foolish and no doubt adding to his health problems.

The thing that made Jill Zarin the punchline of any joke during her fifteen minutes and long after: her initial belief that anyone would believe that her outrage at Bethenny had any basis in anything but Jill's own narcissism. Clue: she talked about it to anyone who would listen before she'd spoken to Bethenny herself. Clue: she threw Bethenny under the bus in dozens of documented incidents, including the infamous speakerphone RudeFest with the Countess of Crass, Luann von Luannberg de Luannness du Luannesito. Clue: she thought her own life was more important than Bethenny's. Bethenny and a boyfriend? Nyet! (only Jill may have a going relationship!). Bethenny and a successful business? Nyet! (only Jill may have a business - though technically, it was built by her husband's family, but since Jill works so hard as a salesgirl, I guess she'll get it lock, stock and barrel despite her bad taste and not-really-working-here vibe). Bethenny and best-selling books? Nyet! (Jill would like to do that first, though of course, thanks to people not being able to take Jill seriously as a role model for parenting, marriage or life, Jill's book was a serious flop - a Mr. T autobiography without the gravitas - and plus, it happened way after Bethenny was telling people how to get skinny and being entertaining about it made her a New York Times bestseller).

So - Jill is obviously trying to hitch her saggy-ass, liposucted, throw-her-water-on-her-food-so-she- won't-be-tempted-to-eat-it - the waiters be damed! - star to that of someone smarter, cooler and prettier - and Bethenny doesn't appear to be selling any tickets to social-climby, mean, childish witches.
By the way - have you noticed that any of the women on my Vishnu-esque hands have done nothing personally? A woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags is a woman propped up by a guy who pays for handbags.

Get a freakin' accomplishment!

Figure out a way to buy your own handbags! And please - don't forget to get a handbag with a compartment for all your prescribed drugs.

Jill, I think you are a wiener.

Which leads me to - eenie, meenie, minie - who?

Kelly. I think she's a pretty sick ticket, but I also think that any murders or maimings that happen to the Housewives at Kelly's hands are totally on the souls, checkbooks and criminal records of the Good Folks at Bravo. She is scary because she has an already proven propensity for violence. Her poor children, which I throw in obviously for the sentimental vote, but which I also throw in because she took her kids out for a de facto happy meal to announce she was spreading all for a few dineros from Playboy magazine.

Thanks, mom! You're the best! Hardly anyone at my school will be commenting on your perky, but undeniably 4-decade-old, knockers! Thanks for making it so much easier to get through my adolescence!

Luann. Babe, I understand the whole song thing. Quite frankly, I can't sing, either. Iwould love to have someone airbrush me to within an inch of my younger, hotter, prettier self. So - I can't fault you for the song, which is just ridiculous, if in fact class is what you're after. This is not going to make you the chair of any of these charity events after which you're hankering. It's just going to make you the subject of giggles.

That guy - what is his name? Court? Really? Court? No. No. First of all, there's no way I believe he is entirely heterosexual if he has style. And if he is not trying to be gay and ironic, then he has no style.

Anyway, it is a bad bet, from his large, ungainly teeth to his haircut of which can only be said that it reminds me of the Simple Jack character from the Tropic Thunder movie.

Luann - do charity. Enjoy your children. Stop egging Jill on, because Jill is a tar-baby in every sense of the word - she brings upon you sticky, nasty feelings, and that's not just from Regular Folks who Might Enjoy You on Some Level but also from Important People who Might Give You a Real Life. Admit to everyone - loudly - that you made a huge mistake with the Sneaky Speakerphone Incident - you were vulnerable and fragile and not thinking like a girl who could advise other girls about how to behave. We all have our sad moments, and say this was one of yours.

Danielle. Last but yeast. Not a typo.

Honey, you have had every chance. But you bring Scraps (credit to Gawker, because THAT is the best possible name for that sad, John Cougar/bad guy you incorporated into your posse) and Keg (Kim G, the saddest of all possible climbers, who pretended to be a decent woman yet let you and Scraps talk foully about *ing up places up in a benefit for a baby with cancer)?

You know what - Damnielle gets a whole post when I have more time to list her list. And, as a Catholic school mother, I must say - if the Church doesn't denounce its airing of Damnielle's meeting with a priest, I may have to organize a mad-campaign to the Vatican, because that just completely cemented the whole priest-with-bad-judgment thing.