Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Birth of Vesuvius

Hot on the heels of rumors that Danielle Stab has been fired from the Real Housewives of New Jersey (neither Bravo nor Danielle will actually cop to this, although Danielle did some sidestepping - "I'm not even thinking about Season 3 in light of all the incredible opportunities coming my way" - that leads me to believe the rumor mill may have accidentally stepped into the truth on this one), comes Part II of The Real Housewives of New Jersey visit the Mamaland.

Opening scene is on the cruise ship, which has finally landed at Naples. The Giudices are trying to get off the boat. Rather than leaving all of their luggage in the room for the porters, they take everything with them. Because they have more bags than have ever been manufactured in the country of China, this makes chaos ensue. Garbage cans and kids get knocked all over the place. The garbage cans, being more pleasant in general, do not set up caterwauling whines when they get knocked over. At some point, Joe even suggests throwing one of the kids overboard.

I don't think he was kidding.

Funniest scene ever when Joe decides to walk a stroller down the steps instead of just manning up and carrying it. It was an umbrella stroller, for Pete's sake! It weighs exactly nothing! Even loaded down with all the kid crap the Giudices carry (an entire suitcase for hairbows), it still weighed less than the burden of their incredible debt.

Teresa says that Joe hates to be away from his business for a whole week. I think that Joe is hearing from America what the repercussions of the Giudices bad acts are, and he's anxious that he doesn't know the full extent and crabby about the fact that it hangs there over his head.

So Joe goes hunched and bow-legged down the stairs with his stroller bouncing this way and that, in his big green sweater and his too-tight boy-man jeans with the pockets ending around mid-thigh. And it makes me laugh.

Jacqueline makes fun of Teresa's inability to allow her children to go outside without a bow on their heads. This is true. It is the reason her children look vulgar. By looking vulgar, I mean they look like trash. The bows are not the reason they have vulgar behavior. The parents are the reason they have vulgar behavior, even as kids go.

They get into the bus and Teresa's kids are whining. One of them is sitting, in her puffy, pink fur jacket, on Albert's lap. This ticks off Caroline, who is really up-to-here with kids. This was going to be her alone time, and, to put it frankly, they aren't her kids.

So the girls cry and whine, and Teresa says later that Caroline seems to be in a crappy mood, but she should feel better now that she's not on a cruise ship. She said that she doesn't feel at all responsible for Caroline's mood - it's it's her problem and she needs to suck it up.

Teresa is just mad that Caroline appears to be criticizing her children. She likes it when people say how cute they are - no doubt because they don't know what else to say when confronted by all that leopard print and poly-satin. She definitely doesn't like it when people purse their lips and glare at her little Giudiettes.

Cut to the new hotel in Naples and one of the little Giudettes is amazed over the bidet. She says, "oh, a little sink!" and Teresa, ever the informing mother, says it's an au bideh. She pretends she can't speak English, as if she's suddenly some Persian princess who is trying to communicate in a Whole New Language. For confirmation of her suspicions that this thing is an au bideh, she turns to her husband, her promptly dismisses it as something that they don't even use in America anymore. However, he tries to educate his daughters by explaining that au bidehs are "like douches."

In Albert and Caroline's room, sadness reigns. They don't speak Italian because their parents didn't teach them, trying to assimilate as they were. They can't go to Pompeii because there are too many people, and quite frankly, though they didn't say it, they are aware that Pompeii, not having a Chanel store, is not of interest to Teresa.

Caroline and Albert are tired and they won't say anything bad about the little girls, but they do believe that Teresa and Joe need to parent with "more iron hand." Caroline realizes that perhaps she looked a but bitchy on the bus, so she points out that they are finished raising kids, but adds that they will be great grandparents.

You can just tell that they are done babysitting.

Now, we go to Danielle, who had an awesome day and needs the kids to listen to her without looking at their cell phones. She needs their full attention because she's sensitive about her "birth mom" search. She never wanted the kids to know about the fact that she was looking for her birth mother, but rather than making the whole issue seem unimportant (seeing as how she didn't want them to know), she decides to make it really important.

Kim G has told people that Danielle was looking for her birth mother, and there are allegations that Teresa found out and gossiped about it, and Danielle tells us all, via talking head, that Kim G has "stabbed her in the proverbial back." I need to know: is this different than stabbing her in her actual back?

Danielle says that Teresa should not have talked about something so sensitive, and her daughter says that everyone deserves respect, even if you don't like them.

Actually, this is not true. Everybody deserves to be treated respectfully, but that it different from actually having to give everyone respect. Respect is an earned honor, and it is different to have respect for people than it is to treat them respectfully.

This is not a concept that Danielle could grasp, becuase it is the appearance of respect she wants. She doesn't have the discernment to understand the nuances between mere good manners and actual admiration.

Anyway, Danielle decides that she was a baby left without a mother and she turned out to be a great mother; therefore, the girls are lucky to have her as a mother. She thinks that the fact that everyone around town knows about her birth mom search is an omen that means she is supposed to share this quest with her daughters. And then, despite the fact that her mother was the one who left her as a baby without a mother, she says that she wants to find the woman who risked everything to have her at the age of 15.

The daughter says that if Danielle doesn't end up finding her birth mom, that's okay, because as least she didn't sit on her ass and do nothing about it. Danielle decides to be shocked and tell her daughter not to use that kind of language, which is a little disingenuous because Danielle likes to wave her middle finger and drop nasty language all the time. The kid backtracks and says "butt" in the way that kids do when they thought they were being cool and grown-up and realize that they have been called out for behaving badly.

Danielle was right to correct her daughter, but really - lead by example, babe!

The older girl felt really smacked and could barely look at her mother after that.

Back in Italy, Caroline and Chris get to look around the storefronts of Naples, which is where their parents are from. Their parents are with them, and they are teary-eyed and emotional; after their big moment, Caroline says, "Let's get the f*** out of here."

They eat in a pizza place that supposedly has the best pizza in the world. Everyone eats a lot, and Teresa lectures about how they did this and that, but the next part of the adventure will be the best because it's about family, by which she means her family.

Joe, who has been surly for the entire trip, gets a little sentimental. Teresa tells them how difficult it will be because of the hill they will have to climb to get to her family home, and is somewhat surprised and a little ticked off that Jacqueline agrees that it will be difficult to get there because of the climb that will be even harder because of strollers and old people (meaning parents). Teresa puts an end to this conversation by saying that there are old people and babies in Italy, too. Which is what she should have said in the first place. Forewarned is forearmed or whatever - but to create a sense of dread is just not hospitable.

Back in New Jersey, Danielle's ex-con hangeraround Danny is at the house, looking as if he has just crawled in from a road trip with Rick Springfield. Danielle is eating snacks, and Danny chastises her. Danielle is doing some kind of act about how she is super-thin naturally and eats all the time. But Danny was taking her to eat.

Where is he taking her? Why, to the supermarket in Franklin Lakes.

Danielle says she won't go there because that's where Mean Caroline, Back-stabbing Kim G, Phone Neglecting Kim D, Mean Jacqueline and Mean Teresa live. Danny says, "they're not there," and Danielle gets excited, thinking that perhaps they have been killed or fallen into a giant crack in the Earth's crust. No, Danny says. They're in Italy.

Now, one would wonder how Danny knows this. Danielle, however, is not interested in how Danny knows this, because she assumes he's some kind of Italian muscle who knows everything. No, Danielle is more interested in why they would be in Italy when she herself was not asked to go. Is this a Bravo trip? Is this Caroline and Jacqueline's share of the Bravo goodies, since they didn't have Sweet 16/Housewarming/Christening parties? Will there be cameras there?

She pretends very hard not to care about the fact that the other Housewives are maybe being granted audiences with the Pope (trumping her vile priest meeting) and having their effigies carved into quivering hunks of ricotta cheese.

Meanwhile, Danny has that weird look of strange success in his eyes that Kim G had before Kim G decimated Danielle at their local Applebee's. You know that he has turned on Danielle, or would at least consider turning on Danielle, if a better opportunity arose.

Danielle is driving (is Danny not allowed to drive?) and gleefully crying "panini" at intervals. It seems odd to be so gleeful about a pressed sandwich that one can get in any number of mediocre sandwich shops that are way better than supermarkets, anyway. I have to wonder if Danny or Danielle bounced a check at the Franklin Lakes supermarket or had them cater the porn video shoot and offered to help them realize their ROI by showing that this supermarket has panini that people will drive literal minutes for.

Market Basket is so great that she has fond memories of it from way before she ever met Jacqueline. Trying to prove how deprived she has been by her feud with the Other Team, she points out that she and her girls used to get ice cream there. Ice cream! The All-American Treat! Plus, the world's best paninis, which she should totally put on a T-shirt - pressed meat all around, folks.

Danielle has new lip plumping. Her lips look like twin hot dogs in her talking head moment.

She is afraid, afraid, and she doesn't care what they're doing in Italy. Though she hopes that Italy is not another Titanic. By this, of course she means that she's very jealous that they are on a cruise ship right now and that she is not, and the only thing that would make this OK is if the boat sank and everyone on it was killed.

Then Danny drops a bomb: he has met one of Ashley's friends. Danielle leaps to say that Ashley has no friends, she assaults people,  and pulled Danielle's very own hair at a country club. She has terroristic tendencies. Danny says that this little girl who is a friend of Ashley's asked Danny what she could do for Danny and Danielle (us, as he says), and so he is going to use her as an avenue to keep tabs on Ashley.

Translation: he is going to get as far with this child as he can, having given up most of his own youth in prison. This is his chance to be young again, and by golly, he's not givin' it up. This will be prom night, long nights drinking beer out of bottles on the step of the 7-11, movies with groping, etc.

Danielle throws in that she used to drive Ashley to school in the hopes that Ashley would not get thrown out of yet another school.

I have to say that I despise Ashley, but Danielle has lost Ashley-despise points by continuing to make these digs. Ashley is revolting on her own.

But she hopes that Ashley is in Italy - because if Ashley would attack her in a country club, she would certainly do it in a supermarket. We are supposed to think that Ashley will leap out of the banks of shopping carts brandishing eggs and spray cheese. It doesn't happen.

Danny just humors her, and suddenly, the thought creeps into my head: was it Danny who told this friend of Ashley's about Danielle's birth mom quest, and the friend told Ashley, who told Jacqueline, who told Teresa? Is Danny the Manzo's source for All Things Danielle?

But then the idea of a panini becomes overwhelming, and she keeps crying it out over and over again, like the Delta in 1984 who keeps yelling, "Roof! Roof!"

"Panini! Panini!"

Back in Italy, the Giudices are transferring their luggage again. In the bus, Joe is demented over the cost of everything. He hoped that when he went to Italy, he would leave his world-heavy financial woes behind. Instead, he is finding that despite the cameras, everything in Italy costs money. Perhaps he thought that the rustic Italians would believe they were all Big American Stars and fall over themselves serving them the Very Best for Freeeeee. But no, the Italians served them and then handed them bills, and Joe is getting madder and madder. He curses and throws out amounts, and scorns the breakfast, which was just coffee and ham sandwiches, and loathes the brandy and the whiskey on their bills at dinner, and he didn't touch the damned minibar and he derides that cost of the hotel. Not being used to actually paying for anything, he is demented with fury.

I wondered at this point if perhaps Teresa had told him that this trip would be paid for by Bravo and that he wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Teresa tells him to shut up. It sort of looks as if she's telling him to stop sucking everyone else's joy and not to curse in front of her children (it doesn't seem that she's giving Jacqueline's sons any thought, and nor do you see anything much at all of them). But really, I thought she was just telling him to stop embarrassing her by talking about money, in that way that people do when they want people to think they have lots of money and shouldn't be worried at all about it.

Finally, as they get close to Joe's hometown, he realizes that he has been on a rant, but in that way that truly disturbed and anxious people get - as if it happened to him rather than being caused by him. So he tells everyone that they're gonna "eat and they're gonna be civilized - no more bullshitting around."

Caroline thinks this is hysterical, and laughs her head off.

Joe then becomes happy in that way that people are when they are showing something off that nobody else knows anything about. He tells everyone all about the scenery.
Jacqueline tells the old people to remain behind, and they do. The Giudettes are dressed so horribly I can't quite voice it: fake Burberry plaid plush and rubber boots and black plush with appliques, and it's simply dreadful. Heinous hairbows the size of peonies that look like bad carnations plopped on the end of each eyebrow. Giant man-sized Converse sneakers.

Teresa points out her Italian house, which she hopes to be able to renovate and refurbish when she has the money. I certainly hope that before she is allowed to do this, she has to repay her debt.

Everybody is walking and then crawling up the steps leading to the top of the hill, and Joe starts tour-guiding and pointing out houses and the former use of donkeys to get stuff up the hill. He doesn't know why they got rid of then.

They get up  to the top of the hill and everybody's kissing and hugging and speaking Italian and Caroline has nobody to speak to except for Teresa's Giudettes, who are hanging around bored and annoyed. Jacqueline makes an ass of herself by grabbing one of the relatives and hanging on them because she is so tired from walking, and then she sits right there in the public street like a bag lady.

In New Jersey, night has fallen, which makes it the perfect time for Danielle to go meet a private investigator to whom Danny has introduced her for the pursuit of her birth mom quest. She only has these two facts to help her look for her birth mom: date of birth, place of birth and her ethniticity. She describes her ethniticy as Catholic and Italian, though of course she has no clue. She would like to be Catholic and Italian, and therefore, poof! She says she is. She could be Native American or Lizard or Icelandic. She has no clue.

The private investigator tells her that he doesn't know that it will be easy or fast to find this now-62-year-old woman. Danielle says that her life is just her two kids, and she would like to have another adult in her life. She just wants to be part of a family.

This makes me think that Danielle is realizing that it might be time to check in with Birth Mom in case there's a chance if wiggling in on the inheritance.

Danielle then adds that if her mother is homeless or addicted to drugs or alcohol, she doesn't want that in her life. The guy says any choice to see the birth mother is up to the birth mother. Danielle says is not finding her to make the mother better; she's finding her to make Danielle better.
If the woman doesn't want Danielle, the investigator has to tell her, not the mother, because Danielle can't take that kind of rejection.

Cut back to Italy, and Teresa is throwing out minor Italian words like somebody whose family spoke it at home. She says in her talking head moment that the reason she sometimes doesn't speak English so good is that she didn't speak English until kindergarten.

Caroline is isolated and bored, and Albert is keeping her company. Since her parents and grandparents wanted to seem as American as possible, they stopped speaking Italian.

Jacqueline can only thunk that she wishes Danielle would move to another country or another planet.

There is tons of food, and the little Giudettes eat like monkeys right over the serving platters, foods dangling out of their crumb-laden mouths and landing back on other foods. Then the rest of the crowd go out and wave across town at some uncle of Teresa, and Caroline and Jacqueline eat pasta out of some stranger's beat-up cooking pot.

Jacqueline adds that before she entered the Manzo-Laurita family, she didn't eat like this. I got the impression that she never intends to stop and she intends to make up for lost time. Caroline and Jacqueline obviously feel out of place, so they are glad to be sitting in the fire-warmed kitchen and eating pasta.

They wander down the steps through the town and Teresa might fall because of her bad shoes. She demands that Joe apologize for treating her badly. Joe's Italian accent is getting really strong, though he left Italy at the age of one. She again demands an apology; he tells her she better learn a little respect. She is really mad, and she tries to kick him. This is not a joke: look at her eyes. Then she tries to turn it into a joke and she pretends to kick him again. Her doesn't apologize to her; he tells her that with one kick, he could send her flying over the hill and into the valley. He says it in a kind of funny way, so she takes it as her apology, and then she makes him apologize to one of the kids he yelled at for running all over the place like an on-the-loose chimpanzee. Then they both yell at the kids some more in the waning light of the sun, over near where Joe was born.

Back to Danielle. Danielle is playing with the dog, and when the phone rings, she says it's her private detective. Hers. He updates her and tells her that it will take a little while to find the information about her birth mom because her birth mom was a minor, which she already knew.

Danielle said that she had waited 47 years to find her birth mom (Danielle's speech impediment made me think she was saying four to seven years, which made me think of a prison sentence), and she believes she's out there, so another 10 years won't matter. And then she breaks into strange, hysterical-bordering tears.

The Italians are having a big party with a big table in a restaurant with white cloths and a minimal number of wine bottles in shelves against the wall. They have erected a curtain that Teresa and her family can emerge from behind, and when they do, it's horrendous. Teresa is in a slip that maybe fit her 10 years ago. Not a slip dress, mind you, a slip. One of the kind your grandmother wore, but with some rhinestones and fake pearls added. It was Bedazzled. And Bewildering. He breasts are popping over the top in a strangely unsettling manner and her hips and thighs make the dress do strange things at the sides.  Joe is wearing a sweater and a mailman's kind of jacket.

The Giudettes. Oh, the Giudettes. This is the kind of thing that makes kids stop talking to their mothers.

They are wearing the ugliest f-ing dresses (I don't like the f-word, but I am trying to explain how bad these dresses are, and I am using the terminology of the Queen Bee from Mean Girls) ever created, anywhere in the world, for anyone. Uglier than a prison dress from the 1930s, uglier than the 1980s, uglier than toddler pageant dresses. These dresses are just vomit-inducing.

Pink poly-satin ruffled shepherdess dresses with leopard overskirts. Ruffles, lacing, bows. Pantalettes. Giant ugly headpieces. Hoopskirts.

The Giudices have one pretty child, the middle one. This dress made her look ugly.

It was as if all the strippers in New Jersey got together and donated their outfits so that Teresa could compile this mess. Which she paid for and called beautiful custom-made dresses.

Caroline is giggling at them behind her napkin, There is over-the-top and then there is tacky. This was just tacky, laughably so. When you consider how much money they spent on gaudy things that aren't even enviable, it just makes me cringe. Those dresses are worth at least four years in prison.

Joe is speaking with such an Italian accent that he sounds as if he is trying to be a waiter at a restaurant in Iowa.

Salut, yadda, yadda.

Back home they all go, and Caroline's house is in one piece and Teresa wants the kids to go to bed. Milania, who can only scream, yells that she doesn't want to go home. Teresa and Joe are back home and it takes Joe three prompts to say he loves Teresa, too.

Ashley is guilty of pulling Danielle's hair, Jacqueline admits.

Next week, Caroline is going to meet one-on-one with Danielle.

Trip from Hell: Gondolas all over the River Styx

This week's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is about hell. Specifically, it is about the hell in which people put themselves when they continue to do stupid things.

The first scene brings us to Teresa's palatial Macaroni Grill of a house. The whole gang - Jacqueline and her husband Chris and the Giudices themselves - are all together to get their stories straight on Joe Giudice's car accident. (Caroline couldn't come because her husband's business has a liquor license and why would they want DUI eyes on them?). Apparently, Joe ran off the road, took out four trees, totalled his car and then sat down and consumed several whiskeys while he waited for the police. Heck, he needed to calm his nerves!

You see, Joe's blood-alcohol level was in the DUI arena - right in the middle, being roped by urban cowboys with rodeo clowns all around. And now DUI court is just around the corner, so in the same way that the Giudices got a coat of good white PR paint over their financial woes, they tried to get the whitewash out to cover Joe and his drunk-driving woes. He doesn't need this. He's $11 million in debt, bankrupt and facing criminal charges concerning some penmanship on a mortgage loan. He's been miserable; who knew that the one Giudice who could get a real modeling job would be Joe? Sadly, however, his modeling stint is going to be for some pharmaceutical company touting the miracles of antidepressants. I can't condone what he's done, but I feel sorry for him on a human level. I also thank God it was only trees and not people he killed.

So, over copious Big Gulp-sized goblets of wine, Jacqueline and Teresa reiterate that they'd been at dinner with Joe, and he wasn't drunk! He wasn't even drinking! Then, oddly, Chris and Jacqueline drove Teresa home and Joe drove home several hours later.

Again, they note: they didn't see him drinking!

Joe is embarrassed and sheepish and adamant that those trees shouldn't have been where they were. Teresa is astonished that anyone would make a big deal out of this, kind of the way she's astonished that people are telling her to quit spending so much money. She's basically astonished that people don't think that her bad behavior is cute.

So - cut to some diner from which apparently Danny Provolone, Danielle's pet felon, offices. He's there, and Danielle comes in, wearing her catfight-ripped cardigan and her weird over-the-hands sweater. She's all sweetness and light; Kim G lost her mind and screamed at Danielle in public last week, and now Danielle gets to be the schoolgirl victim of Grandma Potty Mouth. Danielle orders blueberries for the anti-oxidants and Danny seems oddly over-interested in this. Perhaps he's just gotten a job as a blueberry picker in Maine. But he's also ostentatiously playing with his phone, and he tells Danielle the Big News: Joe Giudice got arrested for DUI.

Danielle already knows this. However, she's delighted to hear this again, because it gives her a chance to talk about it on camera. She presses her long, wiry hands together with glee and gives her schoolgirl smile, the one that worked so well when she was a stripper and dressed as a schoolgirl.

"Why was he out drunk driving around at 2 a.m. instead of being home with his wife and children?" she asked the camera incredulously, which in incredible, because she hates Teresa and doesn't have much use for her children. She's not incredulous, of course; she's thrilled. Here is the proof she needed to have people understand that the Giudices and the Manzos and the Jacquelines are truly awful people, and that Kim G is an awful person, and she, Danielle, is light and love. Certainly, she's had her problems, but she's in a happy place now where light and love and blueberries surround her and darkness rains down onto her enemies like hellfire.

It's berry nice for her.

She hates DUIs at 2 a.m. because of course she only drives under the influence after she gets her nails done. And when she does, she has the kids with her so that she can check in on Caroline Manzo's party to which she wasn't invited. But that's different, because the kids weren't at home alone and it wasn't 2 a.m.

Back to Teresa's, where Joe is now in the throes of explaining exactly how the accident happened: he was tired. Jacqueline, who has had so much wine that she's forgotten that the purpose of the wine-drinking-at-the-Giudices invitation was to discuss how Joe wasn't drinking, says, "What I wanna know is what were you drinking that night?"

Teresa huffily says Thanks, thanks a lot, and Joe goes back to his party line: I yawned, and when I yawned my eyes shut, and when I opened them, there were those pesky trees. An angel was looking over him, he adds.

Jacqueline looks as if she wants to add more, but she can't add more, because Teresa has no doubt hidden ugly truths on Jacqueline's behalf before and Jacqueline owes her this one.

Back at the diner, Danielle is still furious about the possibility that Teresa might have been left a widow with four little children on her hands. How can you not have the responsibility to call a cab when you can buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of furniture? And what are you doing out as a grown man at 2 a.m.? She offers the fact that at 2 a.m., strip clubs are still open, thereby making Joe into a pervert and a cheater and a slug all at once. She doesn't remind us that the reason she knows that the strip clubs are still open at 2 a.m. is that she used to work in one.

So let's just call it like it is, she says, which means nothing but sounds threatening.

Meanwhile, Joe is still yacketing on about how he wasn't really drunk that day. He happened to have the accident in front of the house of one of his father's friends, and when that fine old man saw the car, he almost had a heart attack because he was sure whoever was in the car was dead. But Joe walked with him to the house, where he had about four shots of whiskey, which is, he claims, how his blood-alcohol level got so high. Post-accident drinking, not pre-accident drinking. Teresa nods and her face looks like she's just begging them to believe this story, please, puh-leeze, pwetty pweeze, holding her glass and nodding and blinking about 72 times a second.

Jacqueline, disbelievingly, says, why did you drink before the police got there? to which Joe answers that he didn't give a shit. Teresa thanks God that he didn't hurt himself or anyone else, and then she gets a Talking Head moment in which she says she was so scared, and it's tough, and squeezes out a couple of crocodile tears.

Danielle says that drinking and driving to her is disgusting (though she expected everyone to understand her toting cocaine and kidnapping), and she expresses outrage that Danielle's past came into question with Caroline Manzo but yet look at Joe - he's a criminal, too, because drinking and driving is the worst thing you can do.

Danny thinks this is funny, and says that Joe probably didn't get investigated because he had more money than Danielle, and Danielle says she had more money than any of them when she was married to her husband.

Then she Talking Heads that anyone who puts out negativity is going to get it back because of karma, but she says this while she's being negative. So if there's a next season, this is when Danielle will get hers back.

Lunchtime the next day, Caroline and Jacqueline are waiting for Teresa, who comes in late wearing a brand new jacket. The bankruptcy has been filed and now she can use her income for herself, and so she bought a jacket. Now she says they should get up and go away from the drama. Jacqueline and Caroline don't want to wear a bathing suit, so they decide to go to Italy. They can see their families back in the Old Country.

Caroline worries that her husband will have work.

Jacqueline dresses her kids up like some Italian bumper stickers from the 1970s and her husband guesses that she wants to go to Italy. Caroline rushes to her husband's office and he says Italy would be fun, but not with kids. He just wants all the couples to go. He wants to have alone time with Caroline. She nods.

Because of course the Giudices are going to bring their kids. They tell them at first as a joke that they aren't coming, but they all throw temper tantrums, which right there would have made me continue to tell them that they aren't going. These are the most spoiled brats in the country. They have no manners, no boundaries, bad clothes. But they are going, because Bravo is paying for them to go, because Teresa can't get her kids to the car without a scene; Italy will be brilliant.

Teresa says the accident has made life at home stressful. The bankruptcy and the other stuff are just little headaches; the accident has made things "so tough."

The decision is made that the Jacquelines and the Teresas will bring all of their kids, except Ashley, because she's on bail for assaulting Danielle. Then they decide to bring all the old parents. So there are about 74 people going on this trip, which Caroline has sold to her husband as a romantic getaway.

Ashley sits on the floor of her mother's closet while Jacqueline packs and tells her not to use the house as a love shack or have parties. Ashley has a job to pay her legal fees. She has to take care of what she has to take care of.

They all meet at Teresa's and Teresa serves wine and offers cake and the girls climb into the big, empty furniture. Teresa has a whole duffel bag for hair accessories for the girls, because Teresa can't do the girls' hair - she just waits until they wake up and then she sticks a giant bow on each of their heads.

Suddenly, a tremendous crash happens, and the little girls scream, "Mommy, it broke!" A huge tacky vase lays in dinner-plate size chunks on the ground. Theresa is going, "oh, no, oh, no, oh no!" because she's not worried about anybody being maimed, but that something she bought is broken. Jacqueline's mother did it, because she fell off the step-down into the sunken living room. Teresa is mad because it's a vase, but she also wants to get going to a new place where there are other things to buy.

They get into a giant bus and arrive at the airport, and then they're in Venice. Teresa has so much luggage! The girls look heinous in their little fake fur coats. Their mother looks heinous in her fake fur coat. They all look just like the Myth of the Ugly American, except this is not a myth. You can rub your eyes over and over, and it's still there right before your unbelieving corneas.

Caroline knows it's going to terrible and she's rethinking the trip from the first moment of landing.

They are going to be on a big Luxury Cruise Liner, and they move their luggage to this behemoth and then go look at Venice. Venice is, as Teresa says, a city that's "made on water." They get about 40 gondolas and go on a ride. The little girls are dressed in different fake fur coats from the ones they landed at the airport in. Jacqueline decides to be angry that no one is singing "O Sole Mio" to her. They sing in the real kind of gondolas that they have in Las Vegas. Joe is happy that the Italians have boats instead of cars. Then he's seasick.

They get off the gondolas and Teresa runs to go find Chanel. There are Chanel stores everywhere on the planet. Chanel stores are not only not unique to Italy, they're not natives of Italy. Was there not an Italian designer that Teresa could chase down in Venice? Every place in the universe has Chanels, as Joe calls them. Joe doesn't want to go buy stuff, because he's a bankrupt with legal bills and a DUI in his face. He wants a quiet lunch with some wine. Chanel is closed, but Teresa has to be something, anything. She buys a big green Murano glass ring, which Joe says looks like a growth.

They get in speedboats and head to the cruise ship, and Teresa tells Joe, "Spank me! Spank me!" She's giddy. Freakish. So inappropriate. The girls were there. The parents were there. She's like a kid on a potty yelling for someone, anyone to please notice her. Even Jacqueline was annoyed.

They say good-bye to Venice from the top of the boat. It's kind of nice, though probably when the old people left the Old Country for the New Country, there was not as much fake fur.

Seriously, there is a lot of fake fur. Leopard, tiger, other stuff.

Joe and Chris have a little whiskey moment in the bar and Joe's glad that he got to get away from his own drama (self-made). The accident (self-made) made him have sore muscles, and Chris says, in an admonishing tone that if Teresa had been there, she could have been hurt, by which Chris means she could have been killed. Chris is telling Joe to shape up, quit being a bozo, get your life together, and everyone is kind of embarrassed by Joe.

I actually have the idea come creeping into my head: was poor Joe so sad and depressed that he tried to get in an accident? It actually crept there when I first saw the car. That was a lot of speed to make the car that basjed up. Like he was stepping on the gas as hard as he could and aiming for trees.

Then Joe abruptly changes the subject and Chris decides to let him off the hook and says Danielle is out of control. Really, Danielle is not the one out of control. She's skanky, but actually, Kim G and Teresa and Ashley are out of control. Danielle is controlling everything like a puppet master.

Chris is angry, of course, that Ashley assaulted Danielle. However, he's also kind of surprised that Danielle didn't allow Ashley to get away with it. However, how could Danielle? First, it's something that she has over Jacqueline - your daughter committed a crime against my person. Also, though, Ashley committed a crime against Danielle's person, and it has to be said that if Ashley hadn't had consequences that would stop her from committing further crimes against Danielle's person, Ashley would continue to commit crimes against Danielle's person.

And what's even worse is that she would commit those crimes against her person and the brag about in on Facebook.

Chris says that he sees that Danielle has no family and friends around, so everything that has happened - Joe's bankruptcy, Ashley's arrest, etc. - must be because of Danielle. And yet, I think: Danielle is getting everything she wants.Yes, it rankles a little bit that Caroline won't let her come for wine, that Jacqueline turned her back on her and Teresa called her honey and bitch. However, she's getting everything she wants, other than that. It's everyone elses' lives that are falling to bits like crumbly corks.

The next morning, Teresa and Joe decide to go have some "free time to themselves..in the bedroom." Rather than just resigning themselves to the fact that they were the ones who brought their brats and the grandparents have had enough, Teresa decides to strong-arm Caroline into babysitting. Because it's her vacation, dammit! Joe needs sex! They do it at least once a day! At least! And Teresa wants to spend! And in order to spend, Joe needs to be in a promising mood...

Albert was sold a bill of goods that included couples only, no kids. Caroline wants time alone with her husband. She doesn't want to babysit. She's aghast at the prospect. And she should be. The girls are, as usual, whining joy-sucks, as created and continued by their parents. They want to be fed, and then they're bored. They want to swim, but it's cold. They want to hot tub, but they're too young. They want to play, but it's too much effort. They want to draw, then they want to stab Caroline with their crayons.

On the boat, Jacqueline and her husband take a cooking class. Jacqueline demands the chef's hat like she's a charming old teenager. An overgrown pageant girl. She gets pesto on her teeth and it's revolting to behold, and yet they keep making us behold it.

Albert who doesn't want kids steps up to the plate. He's a good guy, and no matter what else he has done in his life (which may be many good things, I don't know), he has earned his place in heaven by dealing with those four lunch meat trolls all day.

Later that evening, Jacqueline and Teresa drink a lot of mojitos. Mojitos are not an Italian drink. They don't care. They drink mojitos and each chocolate. They go to the piano bar and they play the piano marginally and dance marginally and the crowd goes wild. They blinked and everything. All both of them. Jacqueline, unable to stop being a housewife, cleans the glass elevator wall with her snakeskin-clad butt.

It's Milania's birthday the next day, and Daddy's asleep but it's her birthday so poor sad Joe doesn't get to sleep in. She's four. So she's going to have a big private dinner. Then it's suddenly time for dinner. The girls are dressed abominably. Abominably. Fake leopard and tulle and hairbows. Jacqueline is so hung over from rhe previous evening that she can't get up. She was not seasick until she drank too many mojitos, but then she drank too many mojitos. So now she's seasick.

Milania realizes that her big party is a dinner party. She is devastated, because she doesn't want an "eat" party. But Teresa wants an "eat" party, because the kids are not kids: they are extensions of Teresa. What she wants, they want. What they want, they can't have unless Teresa wants it, too.

They have a big, grown-up dinner party and all the children fret and then fall asleep. The captain comes out, they bring a cake, but the kids are asleep. Teresa keeps saying she's mortified. And I keep thinking, this mortifies her? Kids fall asleep, $11 million of debt. Hmmm...

Jacqueline is still down for the count.

The one thing that kept going through my mind is how terrible that trip would be. Teresa is a child, and she has four children who scream and change their outfits, and Joe is right. This is not a *&! vacation.

Hell. Hell on a gondola.