Real Housewives: Sofa Koff!

The long-awaited reunion (part 1) of the Real Housewives of New Jersey happened last night (happened is the way I choose to explain it) - and I hate to say this again, but I have to say this again: Danielle once again won the day. Not by a lot, because there really were no winners here, including me, who watched it and am feeling a little blue because I did watch it.

The loser of the evening was without a doubt Theresa. This however, cements Theresa as the loser for the season. Bankruptcy, a house which is certainly going to be foreclosed on, legal woes, DUIs, foreheads, $11 million of unpaid bills, vendors everywhere being put into financial distress because of the Giudice's greed, leopard clothes, period ragu, mindless F-bombing rants and the IRS - ladies and gentlemen of the casino never fear, for here is the Biggest Losing Streak in the World, spray-tanned for your orangish viewing displeasure.

As I mentioned, the set this time is an Atlantic City casino, and the room is dressed up with giant playing cards with N.J. in the corners - which were actually pretty cool. Andy Cohen looked suitably natty and non-threatening in one of his usual-type, form-fitted suits. Is he Tim Ginn? No. But he's not going to get anyone's attention during this episode, so it doesn't matter.

The Housewives did not look so good.

For the occasion, Theresa had donned a large strapless thing that I am guessing she converted from a 1970s hooked bath rug to a dress-type girding device that was inappropriately short and too tight. Jacqueline was wearing a sequined dress in red that called uncomfortable attention to her shoulder-killing breast mounds, purchased on an earlier show (the breasts, not the dress, which I believe comes from the Snooki collection. In fact, perhaps both the dress and the breasts come from the Snooki collection). She had a black bra on. She was spray-tanned to within an each of her life and her hair looked like Cher's circa 1973, which is not a bad thing on Cher.

Caroline looked appropriate in purple. She also has lost a lot of weight. Good for her. Portion control.

Danielle - oh, dear. Danielle was wearing a copper-colored tube top as a skirt and one of Danny Provolone's wife-beater T-shirts with ankle boots and really dark hair extensions. I am supposing that the outfit was supposed to make her look edgy, per her new imaginary rock-star status, but unfortunately, it just made her appear to have a huge roll of fat around her middle. It was a most unfortunate ensemble.

Supposedly, the woman haven't seen each other in a year, which seems unlikely, since they all live two houses away from each other. Andy says something about how they are finally in the same room with each other, and Theresa says, finally, and Jacqueline says, without armed guards.

So that's how it's gonna be, Jackie? Danielle's eyes narrow.

The governor of "Jersey" as Andy calls him said sometime in the not-too-distant past that he doesn't like Jersey Shore, which he believes is not a good representation of the state. No one admits to having watched it except Theresa, who says she doesn't like it because the girl (Snooki, probably, met a guy and had sex with him right away). Theresa does it old school (on credit up to $11 million, I guess that means) and doesn't think you should have sex right away. Then she adds, all fake innocence and eyebrows like Nixon, "I don't think you should have sex right away the first week you meet 'em. Like certain people in this room." And then, like the cowardly asscheese that she is, she says, "But we're not gonna get into this right now. Go on, ask your questions."

And right away I know that Theresa, Jacqueline and Caroline have decided on a party line. These will be the things that they bring up. Some of them may be true. Some may not be true. It doesn't matter, because they are going to say them loud, and who will know the difference?

The problem is that some of the things they say in this show are frankly too newly minted to be credible. If Danielle and Steve had really had sex in front of Theresa's kids, for instance, we would have heard it by now. I believe that Theresa has decided that if she can make Danielle look as bad as possible, she, Theresa, will look better by comparison.

This is because Theresa is an idiot and she assumes that everyone else is even stupider than she is. Really, every time Theresa opens her mouth, she is calling every last person in the world a moron, because she actually thinks that we will believe whatever line of salmonella-smacked bullshit she delivers. It's really incredibly insulting.

"Oh, let's go back to that one," Theresa says, adding that Danielle allegedly slept with Steve a week after she met him, in full view of Theresa's children (who get to hear their mother talking about how often she schtups their Daddy one room from theirs in the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Palatial Steak & Ale). Danielle says this wasn't true, and the Other Ones screech yes! Yes, it is! Gia heard you! Milania heard you! Tilapia heard you! and this all seems very flimsy and howly but yet also a Red Flag, because if Theresa's friend Steve had been involved in this, why didn't they bring it up to Steve? It just doesn't pass the BS test.

I do seem to be swearing much today. I apologize. I think I caught it from the show, but I am definitely going to get some antivirals so it goes away.

Jacqueline undermines the story still more by saying that Theresa's kids heard it, and then she adds, you straddled him right in front of the kids.Okay - they either heard or or they saw it. Which is it? Because if it had really been the more ominous, they saw you, they would have led with that one.

Andy knows it's BS, too. He makes them move to his own topic. There is some stuff about how Danielle says "woman" instead of  "women." They bring up "ethnicity," rerevnovated," "sangwich." They are all in agreement about how nice it is to have their own languages. For a minute, it all seems happy. We are all so unique and delightful!

On to the kids. Danielle's kids are great and their careers are great. Jacqueline and Theresa squeezed out some kids. There is some nonsense about fertiility bracelets and contractions. Babies and leopard pajamas and talk of goddaughters. During this scene, all the Other Ones are smiling proudly and even Danielle smiles sentimentally. Babies and stuff. Go back and check for that smile; as batshit crazy as Danielle is, she is human, and that's more than I can say for Gorilla Giudice.

The question from the (not-too-bright) caller is: why didn't Danielle call Jacqueline after her baby was born? Oooh! oooh! I can answer this one myself! Because Jacqueline told her not to! She said to Danielle, don't you ever talk about or come near my baby. Danielle's mistake was to think that by saying this, Jacqueline meant, don't you ever talk about or come near my baby. How can they have it every way? We don't want you near us, dammit, but don't you forget to send a freakin' baby gift, bee-yoch!

Jacqueline is going to be pissy over this, because the baby is only like two years old by now, so Danielle says congratulations, he's beautiful to which Jacqueline says, super-pissily, I know he is and this is going to be a fight. You can tell that Jacqueline is revving up the Baby Huey Theresa, and there's going to be bloodshed.

Dina is not there, and everyone is mad - but the Other Ones get to see her all the time. It was Danielle's fault, they all say, and Danielle doesn't care. But Andy brings up the conversation last season where Caroline, weeping hysterically, accuses Danielle of trying to do some mysterious thing to Dina.

I have to say that Dina is gone and I don't miss her. Perhaps I am in the minority. It's not that I have anything against Dina - it's just that I really don't care. Any of these women could be gone next week and I wouldn't care. They would be a blip on the edge of my radar and sometimes manybe when I saw someone in a too tight dress, with tacky furniture and a spray tan and too much Botox, my brain would fart "RHONJ." And then it would go away, and I would think, I need to buy orange juice and a printer cartridge.

So, anyway, apparently Danielle is accused of trying to get Dina's daughter taken away. Danielle says she would never do that; she doesn't believe that Dina is an unfit mother. Theresa hears what she wants to hear, which is unfit mother and she's all, "Let's not talk about unfit mothers," which seems to me to be the wrong reaction, considering that Danielle didn't actually call Dina an unfit mother. Then there's some talk of silencing people (by which I think Jacqueline means "gag order," and Danielle says that maybe her attorneys did in fact put a gag order on Dina.

And the judges wouldn't put a gag order on Dina if Danielle had said something bad. Caroline says we can't talk about her sister (because Caroline thinks everyone should just blindly obey her), and Danielle says that she is allowed to clarify the story now that it;s been brought up (which is true, legally). Danielle says she never tried to have Dina's kids taken away.

And this may be true. The story I read was about child support, not custody.

Caroline does her bully thing, do not speak about my sister. Caroline confusingly welcomes Danielle to her world, and Danielle says she doesn't want to be in her world, and Caroline says that's the best gift anyone could ever give her. (Headed to the ER for my whiplash injury; Caroline will be hearing from my personal injury lawyer).

Jacqueline waves her arms menacingly and talks about proof and crap and she looks like a stuffed crust pizza that's been glittered in red by Martha Stewart, who also happens to be from New Jersey. Why isn't Martha Stewart on this show? I could learn handy tips for the holidays at the same time that I am learning about whatever it is I am learning about on this show. Martha would judge the crispiness of the biscotti and it would all be over with. Nobody gets to feel good about themselves if Martha is on the show.

Back at the set, Shut your mouth you piece of garbage shut up shut up shut up says Jaqueline, and I see what Ashley is in 20 years, a glittery sausage yelling her own random brain-tweets and then telling everyone to shuddup shuddup shuddup.

Theresa says that Danielle didn't even acknowledge their babies, which is ridiculous, because they told her not to, and Danielle says something about how Theresa didn't even acknowledge her own nephew. She must mean that Theresa didn't mention it in a blog or something. Who cares? Why didn't Theresa just say whaddevah?

Because that's not what this is about. What this is about is that somebody in the Giudice family (maybe Joe's sister who married a - gasp!- black man, or maybe Joe's mistress, who had sex with Joe - hurl!) had a baby, and the Giudices weren't planning to acknowledge this.

Yet another Giudice secret - with the important point being that in this case, Danielle had done her homework.

Gold star, Miss Staub!

Theresa acts as if Danielle has something horrible and true, which makes me wonder if there's some truth in it, and starts screaming "Don't you break up my family!" And then hitches her horrible dress over to Danielle and she's pointing and screaming F-you F-you F-you Bitch Bitch Bitch F-you F-you F-you! You F-in bitch! You mother-f-ing bitch! You f-in bitch!"

Andy tries to pull Theresa, who is still yelling her happy words, away from Danielle, and Theresa shoves him into a chair. Danielle gets up and leaves the set, which makes perfect sense to me. A big be-flowered gorilla shouting in my face? I'd be SO out of there.

Theresa is throwing furniture and grunting and telling profanities and Jacqueline is doing some snap-up-with-a-z-formation thing and it's really quite terrible. Caroline goes to try to calm Theresa down, saying she knows Danielle is a bitch and Theresa just keeps yelling insensibly, like a gorilla on The Jerry Springer Show.

Which is what this show is. The '90s had Jerry, and now we have Andy.

Theresa is yelling that Danielle better get her ass back to the set so that she can - what? Continue to scream? Hit her? Kill her? Daniell says that she won't go back to the set until Theresa sits down, and if she gets up again, she's done. Danielle is right - the Other Ones brought up something and talked about it, and then when Danielle tried to defend herself, they screamed about law and right and bitches.

They can't have it both ways.

Had they just let Danielle defend herself, there would have been doubt. That would have worked to their advantage in the long run. But because they all - Theresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline - decided to sceam and rant, they came off looking like bullies.

Danielle is a little upset. I would be a little upset. I actually am a little upset.

Danielle tells Andy that she won't go back unless someone is put in charge of Theresa. Andy says that he won't let her get up and that he pulled Theresa off of Danielle. I have to say that Andy looked like a complete fool; he wasn't trying very hard to get Theresa off of Danielle, and he let her stand up in the first place. I am wondering if this is why Danielle was fired - was she going to sue?

She's not worth it she's not worth it she's not worth it. Theresa is promising not to hit Danielle.

Caroline says that Lori, who may or may not be Danielle's girlfriend, tried to come after Danielle. Big deal. They had to hold Lori back. Big deal. Theresa's fault, all of it. It really made me mad that Caroline hinted after that raging gorilla f-bomb tantrum that it was Theresa who needed to be protected.

Theresa is now mumbling that Danielle was tawkking about her family. I have to say that if Theresa wants to kill everyone who is talking bad about her family, Theresa better just start making appointments for duels. She may be finished by 2189. Because everyone is talking about Theresa's family. Everyone. I bet the Queen of England says every night right before she goes to bed, "Oh, Philip, those children's hair bows are quite dreadful." I bet the Pope says, "Why, oh why are they portraying themselves as Catholic?" I bet the Dali Lama goes, "I truly hate the profusion of leopard print crap."

Caroline makes some crap excuse for Theresa about how Theresa never does this kind of profanity-laden killfest, otherwise Caroline - who is so discerning - wouldn't be her friend. Because we really believe this, right? Thanks, Caroline, for trying to make us all feel stupid. Of course, Theresa does this. Whenever she doesn't get her own way, she does this. What Caroline wants us to think is that because Caroline is so controlled and ladylike herself, we should believe her when she says that Theresa would never do this because Caroline wouldn't have a friend who does this.

Except we already know that Caroline is not so ladylike, because we saw her have her own tantrum just last week. So, there it is.

Suddenly, Jacqueline accuses Danielle of wanting to take credit for introducing her to her fertility doctor. Danielle says that she took Jaacqueline to her appointments, Jacqueline says she didn't. Who cares? Is this really something to argue about? Jacqueline says, what? Do I owe you my child? And Danielle says, you don't owe me anything, and Jacqueline is still ranting and literally baring her teeth and looking ridiculous.

Do you think you got me pregnant? Jacqueline asks, ridiculously. Caroline realizes Her Side looks stupid, and she cuts Jacqueline off.

We have to watch some stuff about how Albie probably isn't going to get to be a lawyer, and Danielle sticks up for her. Caroline ignores this show of goodwill and decency - which, even if it was manufactured, was a sign of goodwill and decency. Theresa is ready to be insulted when she brings up the fact that Gia got to be a model, and she is mad because Danielle said during the season that Gia wasn't a supermodel. Danielle explains that Gia is eight years old, and by definition is not a supermodel. Danielle says in the reunion that she hopes Gia gets all of her dreams. She adds that she thinks Gia is beautiful and did a great job on the runway at Fashion Week.

Then Theresa wants to know about the lace and crinoline comment in which Danielle said that when her children were small, they wore lace and crinoline. Her dogs wore leopard.

Theresa dresses her children in horrible leopard. Danielle won't cop to insulting the way the kis are dressed. This is a mistake. She should say, yes, I am not fond of the leopard look, but if anyone could pull it off, your girls can.

Because Danielle has no answers, Caroline bitchily "interprets" Danielle's comment to mean that Theresa's kids look like dogs. Caroline knows that this is not what Danielle meant, because Caroline herself laughed like a hyena from The Lion King when Theresa and her girls made their grand entrance in their shiny satin and flannel leopard-print Bo-Peep/pantalette/hair bow ensembles.

I won't say that the kids are dogs. I don't think they are pretty or cute, though. Do you think that Theresa's forehead is lower because her mother made her wear bows, too? Because those are really heavy-looking bows.

There is some talk about a heinous Bravo poll about who viewers would want to be their mother. They choose Caroline, because at least she would totally pull out the stops for you if you wanted to be in law school. Theresa is horribly jealous and uses the excuse that of course viewers would want Caroline, because her kids are old.

Danielle gets the least votes. Danielle doesn't feel that she has to defend her parenting. Jacqueline says that Danielle's daughters go to the school nurse and cry every day. This is another mean thing to bring up. How much Danielle overshares with her kids. Danielle says that sometimes she regrets sharing too much with the girls, but added that another housewife with a teenager (everyone knows this is Jacqueline, including Jacqueline, whose oversharing resulted in her daughter being a hideous assaulting criminal as opposed to what she was before, which was a big, doughy, self-entitled little bitch).

Is there nobody else who thinks that outing little girls for their pain at their mother's reality show antics (which are without question revolting) is playing unfair? Taking your finger and digging into the painful sore that must be their lives? Revealing yet another aspect of their already far-too-public lives?
Period ragu, period wine. Women, don't get near the food at that time of the month or it will curdle. Theresa shills her cookbook, which has nothing that you couldn't get from any Italian food Web site - which is probably where she got the recipes.

Ring for the anniversary? Oh, it's just a yellow sapphire. Theresa said a diamond ring would be a half-million dollars. Of course, before she knew that her financial circus would be made public, she wanted everyone to think it was a real diamond. She's the kind of person who would buy fake Gucci shoes for her kid.

She only raises divas. Which may make life difficult when they are working regular jobs or delivering pizzas.

It's all just part of the $11 million debacle. The shopping trips show us what we know about Theresa - she's a spendy thief who wants the stuff but doesn't pay the bills.

The Other Ones act as if this is cute. Danielle's face is inscrutable.

Birthday parties, housewarming parties, she wants what she wants when she wants it, baptisms, etc.

The whole apartment above the pizzeria is too much for Theresa. For the first time, there is the look of regret on her face.

Of course, it's not regret at having bilked innocent people out of money. It's regret because the gravy train is over and no one is handing out credit to her anymore.

Theresa says her house is not in foreclosure, but she has her husband and her four kids, so she doesn't care if it happens (it will, they will live over the pizzeria and she will try to weave a fable about how their Italian trip brought them back to their roots and who needs all that stuff?). When pursued by Andy and his pesky questions, Theresa tries to skim over the bills, all the stuff that was written in the New York Post, it's all incorrect, some of it is, anyway, Joe didn't tell her, he was trying to protect her. Her stuff may be auctioned, but she's not paying attention. She's not in denial.

Jacqueline is almost in tears. Theresa insults the lying New York Post and said that it's not true - $100,000 at Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales and Nordtrom? No way. Because you forgot Posche. A full $9K of that amount is from Posche!

Maybe. I am just making that up, because it sounds right.

Danielle is so happy.

Theresa won't clarify exactly what her financial situation is, and Jacqueline jumps to her defense and said that her husband just told her not to spend so much money. You know when your husband says not to spend so much money? Jacqueline says, as if $11 million in debt is just because someone thought that the white sandals would also be cute for summer, so she was getting the brown ones and the white ones, even though she only wears sandals for three months, but she really wants them, so damn the meat budget, but she's getting the white sandals, too.

Theresa was working, she was making her own money. She could spend what she wanted. She has adjusted her own lifestyle. The kids - they don't demand stuff. The whole thing has made them closer.

To stand up for her again. Jaccqueline said that the second Theresa found out (that there's not a magical fairy paying the bills) that they were $11 million in debt and this might cramp their lifestyle, she went to work immediately - appearances every night.

And Theresa becomes even, unbelievably, more detestable than before.

Theresa doesn't like negative, and she stays only in the positive (except where Danielle is concerned). If (when) they lose their house, they'll just build it back.

Joe's accident was when he yawned, not when he drank, and no way was it because he was drinking about money problems (I read that he was partying with another Bravo franchise right before the accident). Officer. I was just drinking because I was so "shooken" up about driving into a forest and hitting all those trees. Theresa starts to deny, but then has to admit when the other housewives say it, that the citation is still considered a DUI. But they got the ticket in the mail a week later (apparently, when people get arrested in New Jersey, the police don't act on the spot - they take a few days to think about it). Danielle says the obvious - why go have a few drinks after a car accident? Caroline corrects Theresa when she says he yawned. He fell asleep for a minute. This is the official excuse. Yes, that's actually what Theresa thinks now, too.

Danielle doesn't approve of DUIs. Of course, I still suspect that Danielle was a bit under the influence after the nail salon in the first episode. If I had to live with Theresa, the liquor would flow like non-sauce making time.

Is Danielle a victim or a villain? She wants to be both. The stripping moment made me ill. Butt crack and booty shorts. Engage and suggest. Horrible confession, and she's such a devout Catholic. (As a Catholic, I want to point out that no way can these people speak for my group.)

Danny says there is a kindred spirit thing going on. I know that Danny kicks Danielle to the curb at the end of the season. He wants to be on the show.

Now, Jacqueline brings up that Danny may have been married at one time. Ooh. This is her dirt? Big deal. Jacqueline's daughter was convicted on assault charges. Didja hear that?

When you hear Jacqueline speak, you know why her daughter was so obsessed with Danielle.

So Danny might have been married. So what? Is he a prize? No.

I have to say that Danny seemed to be in this more for the chance to be on TV than for the chance to have sexual relations with Danielle.

Jacqueline and Theresa want to make the Danny thing a big deal. Who cares? He's just a lonesome piece of provolone. No one cares. Danielle didn't hang out with him, she says - and so what if she did? This is not news. The idea was always communicated that maybe Danny thought Danielle was kind of hot.

Danielle says that she really can't afford to have her house renovated but that people needed to pay attention to the show - she didn't pay for the Sweet 16. It was all for charity. I don't know if this means that people paid to get in - I have no clue what this means. Do I care? No.

Andy tries to get Danielle to talk about whether or not she and Lori are in a relationship, and Danielle does not admit whether or not she is "swimming in the lady pond." Caroline sticks up for the not outing of people who may or may not be gay, but she says that editing is not to blame for how people are portrayed on the show.

Okay, Caroline, I stick by my earlier thoughts about you.

Caroline thinks it's fine for someone to strip or be a prostitute, but she has a husband who loves her, nanny nanny boo-boo.

Jacqueline has watched the sex tape. She has analyzed it in ways that Jacqueline is not able to analyze things, because Jacqueline doesn't have a brain; she has a skull full of Urkel-Os cereal. Then Theresa chimes in (okay, apparently Theresa has seen it, too) and she wants to do a timeline of the sex tape because it will prove whether this was an old mistake or a new one. Long hair or short? Danielle says it was long hair, because she had clip-in extensions.

Who cares? I am sure that Danielle is making money from the sex tape, and whatever. Grab those 15 minutes, sistah. I don't care. I was pretty horrified, and then I found out about Theresa and her $11 million and Ashley and her assault, and now I don't care. Where my outrage might have once been is a big callus of RHONJ incidents.

Theresa starts screaming bitch and more bad words.

Caroline is mad and yelling about the OK Corral because Caroline has been called on the "dead light in their eyes" comments, and Danielle is denying that her kids really know about the sex tape.

Of course, Danielle's kids know about the sex tape. They hear the whispers, poor littles. Danielle can lie to herself about that - mommy should have been more discreet, big mistake - and whatever. Does it help to have three bitches talking about it in a fake-compassionate way?

Caroline does some nonsense about how she wants Danielle's autograph because Danielle is so perfect. Sarcasm, but not funny sarcasm.

Next, we hear about the baby-with-cancer fundraiser, an event made unspeakable by Danielle's paranoia and the license that Danielle's paranoia gave her posse. I've already talked about that. It was ghastly, and there is no excuse. Caroline wants to focus on Danielle being mean to Christopher, which seems to me to be the least of the issues. Danger to her son in the form of Danny? Really. What is Danny going to do? Call him a punk. Big deal. Over.

If Caroline had talked about something without screaming fool!  and whatever other names she decided to call, she might have won. But she lowered herself, and now they all look bad.

But Danielle - oh, geez. She looks better than them.