Real Housewives: Sofa Koff!

The long-awaited reunion (part 1) of the Real Housewives of New Jersey happened last night (happened is the way I choose to explain it) - and I hate to say this again, but I have to say this again: Danielle once again won the day. Not by a lot, because there really were no winners here, including me, who watched it and am feeling a little blue because I did watch it.

The loser of the evening was without a doubt Theresa. This however, cements Theresa as the loser for the season. Bankruptcy, a house which is certainly going to be foreclosed on, legal woes, DUIs, foreheads, $11 million of unpaid bills, vendors everywhere being put into financial distress because of the Giudice's greed, leopard clothes, period ragu, mindless F-bombing rants and the IRS - ladies and gentlemen of the casino never fear, for here is the Biggest Losing Streak in the World, spray-tanned for your orangish viewing displeasure.

As I mentioned, the set this time is an Atlantic City casino, and the room is dressed up with giant playing cards with N.J. in the corners - which were actually pretty cool. Andy Cohen looked suitably natty and non-threatening in one of his usual-type, form-fitted suits. Is he Tim Ginn? No. But he's not going to get anyone's attention during this episode, so it doesn't matter.

The Housewives did not look so good.

For the occasion, Theresa had donned a large strapless thing that I am guessing she converted from a 1970s hooked bath rug to a dress-type girding device that was inappropriately short and too tight. Jacqueline was wearing a sequined dress in red that called uncomfortable attention to her shoulder-killing breast mounds, purchased on an earlier show (the breasts, not the dress, which I believe comes from the Snooki collection. In fact, perhaps both the dress and the breasts come from the Snooki collection). She had a black bra on. She was spray-tanned to within an each of her life and her hair looked like Cher's circa 1973, which is not a bad thing on Cher.

Caroline looked appropriate in purple. She also has lost a lot of weight. Good for her. Portion control.

Danielle - oh, dear. Danielle was wearing a copper-colored tube top as a skirt and one of Danny Provolone's wife-beater T-shirts with ankle boots and really dark hair extensions. I am supposing that the outfit was supposed to make her look edgy, per her new imaginary rock-star status, but unfortunately, it just made her appear to have a huge roll of fat around her middle. It was a most unfortunate ensemble.

Supposedly, the woman haven't seen each other in a year, which seems unlikely, since they all live two houses away from each other. Andy says something about how they are finally in the same room with each other, and Theresa says, finally, and Jacqueline says, without armed guards.

So that's how it's gonna be, Jackie? Danielle's eyes narrow.

The governor of "Jersey" as Andy calls him said sometime in the not-too-distant past that he doesn't like Jersey Shore, which he believes is not a good representation of the state. No one admits to having watched it except Theresa, who says she doesn't like it because the girl (Snooki, probably, met a guy and had sex with him right away). Theresa does it old school (on credit up to $11 million, I guess that means) and doesn't think you should have sex right away. Then she adds, all fake innocence and eyebrows like Nixon, "I don't think you should have sex right away the first week you meet 'em. Like certain people in this room." And then, like the cowardly asscheese that she is, she says, "But we're not gonna get into this right now. Go on, ask your questions."

And right away I know that Theresa, Jacqueline and Caroline have decided on a party line. These will be the things that they bring up. Some of them may be true. Some may not be true. It doesn't matter, because they are going to say them loud, and who will know the difference?

The problem is that some of the things they say in this show are frankly too newly minted to be credible. If Danielle and Steve had really had sex in front of Theresa's kids, for instance, we would have heard it by now. I believe that Theresa has decided that if she can make Danielle look as bad as possible, she, Theresa, will look better by comparison.

This is because Theresa is an idiot and she assumes that everyone else is even stupider than she is. Really, every time Theresa opens her mouth, she is calling every last person in the world a moron, because she actually thinks that we will believe whatever line of salmonella-smacked bullshit she delivers. It's really incredibly insulting.

"Oh, let's go back to that one," Theresa says, adding that Danielle allegedly slept with Steve a week after she met him, in full view of Theresa's children (who get to hear their mother talking about how often she schtups their Daddy one room from theirs in the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Palatial Steak & Ale). Danielle says this wasn't true, and the Other Ones screech yes! Yes, it is! Gia heard you! Milania heard you! Tilapia heard you! and this all seems very flimsy and howly but yet also a Red Flag, because if Theresa's friend Steve had been involved in this, why didn't they bring it up to Steve? It just doesn't pass the BS test.

I do seem to be swearing much today. I apologize. I think I caught it from the show, but I am definitely going to get some antivirals so it goes away.

Jacqueline undermines the story still more by saying that Theresa's kids heard it, and then she adds, you straddled him right in front of the kids.Okay - they either heard or or they saw it. Which is it? Because if it had really been the more ominous, they saw you, they would have led with that one.

Andy knows it's BS, too. He makes them move to his own topic. There is some stuff about how Danielle says "woman" instead of  "women." They bring up "ethnicity," rerevnovated," "sangwich." They are all in agreement about how nice it is to have their own languages. For a minute, it all seems happy. We are all so unique and delightful!

On to the kids. Danielle's kids are great and their careers are great. Jacqueline and Theresa squeezed out some kids. There is some nonsense about fertiility bracelets and contractions. Babies and leopard pajamas and talk of goddaughters. During this scene, all the Other Ones are smiling proudly and even Danielle smiles sentimentally. Babies and stuff. Go back and check for that smile; as batshit crazy as Danielle is, she is human, and that's more than I can say for Gorilla Giudice.

The question from the (not-too-bright) caller is: why didn't Danielle call Jacqueline after her baby was born? Oooh! oooh! I can answer this one myself! Because Jacqueline told her not to! She said to Danielle, don't you ever talk about or come near my baby. Danielle's mistake was to think that by saying this, Jacqueline meant, don't you ever talk about or come near my baby. How can they have it every way? We don't want you near us, dammit, but don't you forget to send a freakin' baby gift, bee-yoch!

Jacqueline is going to be pissy over this, because the baby is only like two years old by now, so Danielle says congratulations, he's beautiful to which Jacqueline says, super-pissily, I know he is and this is going to be a fight. You can tell that Jacqueline is revving up the Baby Huey Theresa, and there's going to be bloodshed.

Dina is not there, and everyone is mad - but the Other Ones get to see her all the time. It was Danielle's fault, they all say, and Danielle doesn't care. But Andy brings up the conversation last season where Caroline, weeping hysterically, accuses Danielle of trying to do some mysterious thing to Dina.

I have to say that Dina is gone and I don't miss her. Perhaps I am in the minority. It's not that I have anything against Dina - it's just that I really don't care. Any of these women could be gone next week and I wouldn't care. They would be a blip on the edge of my radar and sometimes manybe when I saw someone in a too tight dress, with tacky furniture and a spray tan and too much Botox, my brain would fart "RHONJ." And then it would go away, and I would think, I need to buy orange juice and a printer cartridge.

So, anyway, apparently Danielle is accused of trying to get Dina's daughter taken away. Danielle says she would never do that; she doesn't believe that Dina is an unfit mother. Theresa hears what she wants to hear, which is unfit mother and she's all, "Let's not talk about unfit mothers," which seems to me to be the wrong reaction, considering that Danielle didn't actually call Dina an unfit mother. Then there's some talk of silencing people (by which I think Jacqueline means "gag order," and Danielle says that maybe her attorneys did in fact put a gag order on Dina.

And the judges wouldn't put a gag order on Dina if Danielle had said something bad. Caroline says we can't talk about her sister (because Caroline thinks everyone should just blindly obey her), and Danielle says that she is allowed to clarify the story now that it;s been brought up (which is true, legally). Danielle says she never tried to have Dina's kids taken away.

And this may be true. The story I read was about child support, not custody.

Caroline does her bully thing, do not speak about my sister. Caroline confusingly welcomes Danielle to her world, and Danielle says she doesn't want to be in her world, and Caroline says that's the best gift anyone could ever give her. (Headed to the ER for my whiplash injury; Caroline will be hearing from my personal injury lawyer).

Jacqueline waves her arms menacingly and talks about proof and crap and she looks like a stuffed crust pizza that's been glittered in red by Martha Stewart, who also happens to be from New Jersey. Why isn't Martha Stewart on this show? I could learn handy tips for the holidays at the same time that I am learning about whatever it is I am learning about on this show. Martha would judge the crispiness of the biscotti and it would all be over with. Nobody gets to feel good about themselves if Martha is on the show.

Back at the set, Shut your mouth you piece of garbage shut up shut up shut up says Jaqueline, and I see what Ashley is in 20 years, a glittery sausage yelling her own random brain-tweets and then telling everyone to shuddup shuddup shuddup.

Theresa says that Danielle didn't even acknowledge their babies, which is ridiculous, because they told her not to, and Danielle says something about how Theresa didn't even acknowledge her own nephew. She must mean that Theresa didn't mention it in a blog or something. Who cares? Why didn't Theresa just say whaddevah?

Because that's not what this is about. What this is about is that somebody in the Giudice family (maybe Joe's sister who married a - gasp!- black man, or maybe Joe's mistress, who had sex with Joe - hurl!) had a baby, and the Giudices weren't planning to acknowledge this.

Yet another Giudice secret - with the important point being that in this case, Danielle had done her homework.

Gold star, Miss Staub!

Theresa acts as if Danielle has something horrible and true, which makes me wonder if there's some truth in it, and starts screaming "Don't you break up my family!" And then hitches her horrible dress over to Danielle and she's pointing and screaming F-you F-you F-you Bitch Bitch Bitch F-you F-you F-you! You F-in bitch! You mother-f-ing bitch! You f-in bitch!"

Andy tries to pull Theresa, who is still yelling her happy words, away from Danielle, and Theresa shoves him into a chair. Danielle gets up and leaves the set, which makes perfect sense to me. A big be-flowered gorilla shouting in my face? I'd be SO out of there.

Theresa is throwing furniture and grunting and telling profanities and Jacqueline is doing some snap-up-with-a-z-formation thing and it's really quite terrible. Caroline goes to try to calm Theresa down, saying she knows Danielle is a bitch and Theresa just keeps yelling insensibly, like a gorilla on The Jerry Springer Show.

Which is what this show is. The '90s had Jerry, and now we have Andy.

Theresa is yelling that Danielle better get her ass back to the set so that she can - what? Continue to scream? Hit her? Kill her? Daniell says that she won't go back to the set until Theresa sits down, and if she gets up again, she's done. Danielle is right - the Other Ones brought up something and talked about it, and then when Danielle tried to defend herself, they screamed about law and right and bitches.

They can't have it both ways.

Had they just let Danielle defend herself, there would have been doubt. That would have worked to their advantage in the long run. But because they all - Theresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline - decided to sceam and rant, they came off looking like bullies.

Danielle is a little upset. I would be a little upset. I actually am a little upset.

Danielle tells Andy that she won't go back unless someone is put in charge of Theresa. Andy says that he won't let her get up and that he pulled Theresa off of Danielle. I have to say that Andy looked like a complete fool; he wasn't trying very hard to get Theresa off of Danielle, and he let her stand up in the first place. I am wondering if this is why Danielle was fired - was she going to sue?

She's not worth it she's not worth it she's not worth it. Theresa is promising not to hit Danielle.

Caroline says that Lori, who may or may not be Danielle's girlfriend, tried to come after Danielle. Big deal. They had to hold Lori back. Big deal. Theresa's fault, all of it. It really made me mad that Caroline hinted after that raging gorilla f-bomb tantrum that it was Theresa who needed to be protected.

Theresa is now mumbling that Danielle was tawkking about her family. I have to say that if Theresa wants to kill everyone who is talking bad about her family, Theresa better just start making appointments for duels. She may be finished by 2189. Because everyone is talking about Theresa's family. Everyone. I bet the Queen of England says every night right before she goes to bed, "Oh, Philip, those children's hair bows are quite dreadful." I bet the Pope says, "Why, oh why are they portraying themselves as Catholic?" I bet the Dali Lama goes, "I truly hate the profusion of leopard print crap."

Caroline makes some crap excuse for Theresa about how Theresa never does this kind of profanity-laden killfest, otherwise Caroline - who is so discerning - wouldn't be her friend. Because we really believe this, right? Thanks, Caroline, for trying to make us all feel stupid. Of course, Theresa does this. Whenever she doesn't get her own way, she does this. What Caroline wants us to think is that because Caroline is so controlled and ladylike herself, we should believe her when she says that Theresa would never do this because Caroline wouldn't have a friend who does this.

Except we already know that Caroline is not so ladylike, because we saw her have her own tantrum just last week. So, there it is.

Suddenly, Jacqueline accuses Danielle of wanting to take credit for introducing her to her fertility doctor. Danielle says that she took Jaacqueline to her appointments, Jacqueline says she didn't. Who cares? Is this really something to argue about? Jacqueline says, what? Do I owe you my child? And Danielle says, you don't owe me anything, and Jacqueline is still ranting and literally baring her teeth and looking ridiculous.

Do you think you got me pregnant? Jacqueline asks, ridiculously. Caroline realizes Her Side looks stupid, and she cuts Jacqueline off.

We have to watch some stuff about how Albie probably isn't going to get to be a lawyer, and Danielle sticks up for her. Caroline ignores this show of goodwill and decency - which, even if it was manufactured, was a sign of goodwill and decency. Theresa is ready to be insulted when she brings up the fact that Gia got to be a model, and she is mad because Danielle said during the season that Gia wasn't a supermodel. Danielle explains that Gia is eight years old, and by definition is not a supermodel. Danielle says in the reunion that she hopes Gia gets all of her dreams. She adds that she thinks Gia is beautiful and did a great job on the runway at Fashion Week.

Then Theresa wants to know about the lace and crinoline comment in which Danielle said that when her children were small, they wore lace and crinoline. Her dogs wore leopard.

Theresa dresses her children in horrible leopard. Danielle won't cop to insulting the way the kis are dressed. This is a mistake. She should say, yes, I am not fond of the leopard look, but if anyone could pull it off, your girls can.

Because Danielle has no answers, Caroline bitchily "interprets" Danielle's comment to mean that Theresa's kids look like dogs. Caroline knows that this is not what Danielle meant, because Caroline herself laughed like a hyena from The Lion King when Theresa and her girls made their grand entrance in their shiny satin and flannel leopard-print Bo-Peep/pantalette/hair bow ensembles.

I won't say that the kids are dogs. I don't think they are pretty or cute, though. Do you think that Theresa's forehead is lower because her mother made her wear bows, too? Because those are really heavy-looking bows.

There is some talk about a heinous Bravo poll about who viewers would want to be their mother. They choose Caroline, because at least she would totally pull out the stops for you if you wanted to be in law school. Theresa is horribly jealous and uses the excuse that of course viewers would want Caroline, because her kids are old.

Danielle gets the least votes. Danielle doesn't feel that she has to defend her parenting. Jacqueline says that Danielle's daughters go to the school nurse and cry every day. This is another mean thing to bring up. How much Danielle overshares with her kids. Danielle says that sometimes she regrets sharing too much with the girls, but added that another housewife with a teenager (everyone knows this is Jacqueline, including Jacqueline, whose oversharing resulted in her daughter being a hideous assaulting criminal as opposed to what she was before, which was a big, doughy, self-entitled little bitch).

Is there nobody else who thinks that outing little girls for their pain at their mother's reality show antics (which are without question revolting) is playing unfair? Taking your finger and digging into the painful sore that must be their lives? Revealing yet another aspect of their already far-too-public lives?
Period ragu, period wine. Women, don't get near the food at that time of the month or it will curdle. Theresa shills her cookbook, which has nothing that you couldn't get from any Italian food Web site - which is probably where she got the recipes.

Ring for the anniversary? Oh, it's just a yellow sapphire. Theresa said a diamond ring would be a half-million dollars. Of course, before she knew that her financial circus would be made public, she wanted everyone to think it was a real diamond. She's the kind of person who would buy fake Gucci shoes for her kid.

She only raises divas. Which may make life difficult when they are working regular jobs or delivering pizzas.

It's all just part of the $11 million debacle. The shopping trips show us what we know about Theresa - she's a spendy thief who wants the stuff but doesn't pay the bills.

The Other Ones act as if this is cute. Danielle's face is inscrutable.

Birthday parties, housewarming parties, she wants what she wants when she wants it, baptisms, etc.

The whole apartment above the pizzeria is too much for Theresa. For the first time, there is the look of regret on her face.

Of course, it's not regret at having bilked innocent people out of money. It's regret because the gravy train is over and no one is handing out credit to her anymore.

Theresa says her house is not in foreclosure, but she has her husband and her four kids, so she doesn't care if it happens (it will, they will live over the pizzeria and she will try to weave a fable about how their Italian trip brought them back to their roots and who needs all that stuff?). When pursued by Andy and his pesky questions, Theresa tries to skim over the bills, all the stuff that was written in the New York Post, it's all incorrect, some of it is, anyway, Joe didn't tell her, he was trying to protect her. Her stuff may be auctioned, but she's not paying attention. She's not in denial.

Jacqueline is almost in tears. Theresa insults the lying New York Post and said that it's not true - $100,000 at Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales and Nordtrom? No way. Because you forgot Posche. A full $9K of that amount is from Posche!

Maybe. I am just making that up, because it sounds right.

Danielle is so happy.

Theresa won't clarify exactly what her financial situation is, and Jacqueline jumps to her defense and said that her husband just told her not to spend so much money. You know when your husband says not to spend so much money? Jacqueline says, as if $11 million in debt is just because someone thought that the white sandals would also be cute for summer, so she was getting the brown ones and the white ones, even though she only wears sandals for three months, but she really wants them, so damn the meat budget, but she's getting the white sandals, too.

Theresa was working, she was making her own money. She could spend what she wanted. She has adjusted her own lifestyle. The kids - they don't demand stuff. The whole thing has made them closer.

To stand up for her again. Jaccqueline said that the second Theresa found out (that there's not a magical fairy paying the bills) that they were $11 million in debt and this might cramp their lifestyle, she went to work immediately - appearances every night.

And Theresa becomes even, unbelievably, more detestable than before.

Theresa doesn't like negative, and she stays only in the positive (except where Danielle is concerned). If (when) they lose their house, they'll just build it back.

Joe's accident was when he yawned, not when he drank, and no way was it because he was drinking about money problems (I read that he was partying with another Bravo franchise right before the accident). Officer. I was just drinking because I was so "shooken" up about driving into a forest and hitting all those trees. Theresa starts to deny, but then has to admit when the other housewives say it, that the citation is still considered a DUI. But they got the ticket in the mail a week later (apparently, when people get arrested in New Jersey, the police don't act on the spot - they take a few days to think about it). Danielle says the obvious - why go have a few drinks after a car accident? Caroline corrects Theresa when she says he yawned. He fell asleep for a minute. This is the official excuse. Yes, that's actually what Theresa thinks now, too.

Danielle doesn't approve of DUIs. Of course, I still suspect that Danielle was a bit under the influence after the nail salon in the first episode. If I had to live with Theresa, the liquor would flow like non-sauce making time.

Is Danielle a victim or a villain? She wants to be both. The stripping moment made me ill. Butt crack and booty shorts. Engage and suggest. Horrible confession, and she's such a devout Catholic. (As a Catholic, I want to point out that no way can these people speak for my group.)

Danny says there is a kindred spirit thing going on. I know that Danny kicks Danielle to the curb at the end of the season. He wants to be on the show.

Now, Jacqueline brings up that Danny may have been married at one time. Ooh. This is her dirt? Big deal. Jacqueline's daughter was convicted on assault charges. Didja hear that?

When you hear Jacqueline speak, you know why her daughter was so obsessed with Danielle.

So Danny might have been married. So what? Is he a prize? No.

I have to say that Danny seemed to be in this more for the chance to be on TV than for the chance to have sexual relations with Danielle.

Jacqueline and Theresa want to make the Danny thing a big deal. Who cares? He's just a lonesome piece of provolone. No one cares. Danielle didn't hang out with him, she says - and so what if she did? This is not news. The idea was always communicated that maybe Danny thought Danielle was kind of hot.

Danielle says that she really can't afford to have her house renovated but that people needed to pay attention to the show - she didn't pay for the Sweet 16. It was all for charity. I don't know if this means that people paid to get in - I have no clue what this means. Do I care? No.

Andy tries to get Danielle to talk about whether or not she and Lori are in a relationship, and Danielle does not admit whether or not she is "swimming in the lady pond." Caroline sticks up for the not outing of people who may or may not be gay, but she says that editing is not to blame for how people are portrayed on the show.

Okay, Caroline, I stick by my earlier thoughts about you.

Caroline thinks it's fine for someone to strip or be a prostitute, but she has a husband who loves her, nanny nanny boo-boo.

Jacqueline has watched the sex tape. She has analyzed it in ways that Jacqueline is not able to analyze things, because Jacqueline doesn't have a brain; she has a skull full of Urkel-Os cereal. Then Theresa chimes in (okay, apparently Theresa has seen it, too) and she wants to do a timeline of the sex tape because it will prove whether this was an old mistake or a new one. Long hair or short? Danielle says it was long hair, because she had clip-in extensions.

Who cares? I am sure that Danielle is making money from the sex tape, and whatever. Grab those 15 minutes, sistah. I don't care. I was pretty horrified, and then I found out about Theresa and her $11 million and Ashley and her assault, and now I don't care. Where my outrage might have once been is a big callus of RHONJ incidents.

Theresa starts screaming bitch and more bad words.

Caroline is mad and yelling about the OK Corral because Caroline has been called on the "dead light in their eyes" comments, and Danielle is denying that her kids really know about the sex tape.

Of course, Danielle's kids know about the sex tape. They hear the whispers, poor littles. Danielle can lie to herself about that - mommy should have been more discreet, big mistake - and whatever. Does it help to have three bitches talking about it in a fake-compassionate way?

Caroline does some nonsense about how she wants Danielle's autograph because Danielle is so perfect. Sarcasm, but not funny sarcasm.

Next, we hear about the baby-with-cancer fundraiser, an event made unspeakable by Danielle's paranoia and the license that Danielle's paranoia gave her posse. I've already talked about that. It was ghastly, and there is no excuse. Caroline wants to focus on Danielle being mean to Christopher, which seems to me to be the least of the issues. Danger to her son in the form of Danny? Really. What is Danny going to do? Call him a punk. Big deal. Over.

If Caroline had talked about something without screaming fool!  and whatever other names she decided to call, she might have won. But she lowered herself, and now they all look bad.

But Danielle - oh, geez. She looks better than them.

Just When You Thought RHONJ Couldn't Get Any Worse...It So DOES!

My mantra throughout this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has been, after each and every episode, "that's as bad as it gets." I wait a week for the next episode and I continually have to admit that I was wrong the week earlier - because it just gets stupider and stupider.

This week, the entire families of Manzos, Lauritas and Giudices meet for dinner at the Limestone Waffle House that is Teresa Giudice's home. They sit around the sumptuous chairs (which can be yours in an upcoming auction that is now indefinitely postponed while the authorities comb through more Giudice assets that have been uncovered and decide whether it really is okay to sell children's toys and beds and hair bows to the general population) and the women all seem to be drinking fruity strawberry daiquiris. This seems to be an odd choice, because each of those suckers packs more calories than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, but that's what they're doing,

The drinks may actually be Bellinis, because Teresa offers one to Jacqueline. They are very red Bellinis. I am sure that you can get the recipe from either Teresa's book or, more likely, where she may have gotten them herself - off the Internet. But I kid.

And what it the conversation? Uh - duh. It's about Danielle Staub, everybody's favorite punching bag. Not that she doesn't bring some of this on herself, but I always find that the best way to eliminate a problem from your life is to not keep talking and talking and talking about it.

Before the family starts in on Danielle, everybody clinks glasses and compliments Teresa on the food, and Teresa - bizarrely clad in some shredded black lace cocktail dress/negligee/mantilla - says, as if she's not desperately trying to push her book about Italian food, "some people think Italian food is so fattening, but it's so not." Albert, Caroline's husband, chimes in that when the group was in Italy, they ate their faces off but never gained weight. He delicately avoids the fact that the reason they did not gain weight is because of the enforced death march up Mount Vesuvius they were forced to endure as a condition of being held captive at Teresa's leopard-and-lace family reunion.

Jacqueline seems unable to use a fork; she is trying to do the European upside-down fork thing and I keep worrying that she will stab herself in the chin. Caroline asks, stagily, how Ashley is doing with her trial for assaulting Danielle at the country club, and Jacqueline says that Ashley seems to be doing fine. Caroline points out obviously that this may be on Ashley's record for the rest of her life, for the millionth time that someone in this extended family has pointed that out, to which I have to say: yes, it will be on her record for the rest of her life. Even if the charges are dismissed, the fact that Ashley was arrested will be on her record for the rest of her life.

Unable to lie about what Ashley did (there were 72 cameras on her at the time), Jacqueline defends the repugnant Ashley by saying that even if Ashley did wrong by pulling Danielle's hair, the hair-pulling was not accompanied by Ashely's screaming that she was going to kill Danielle, as Danielle claimed in the police report. Therefore, Ashley is somehow vindicated.

Caroline does a talking head (it is obvious that this episode is going to be the Caroline Show) and asks rhetorically, "If you are in a better place, why are you so hell-bent on hurting this child?" To which I say, nobody thought that Ashley was such a child when she moved out of her parents' home to go live with her 23-year-old boyfriend, and actually, it was the so-called child who hurt Danielle, not the other way round. OK, so Danielle said that Ashley has flabby arms and failed school and whatever else. Probably, a lot of it is true, though why an adult would be saying such things about a young person makes no sense at all. Why Ashley would respond makes no sense. Why Ashley is allowed to have a cell phone and Internet action also makes no sense - it's not as if she's working for it.

What Caroline really asking is: why are you making my niece pay for her very terrible behavior?

Because - let's face it. Ashley has not shown one iota of remorse over this whole thing. This is the thing that got her on the contract to be paid $3,300 per episode, which is a lot of money for doing the thing she is really talented at - sitting around in knit hats and ass-widening PJ bottoms and being a pouty snot. This is the only time she will realize any kind of success in her life, because the rest of her life is going to be waiting for her stepfather to fork over some money so that she can have a pedicure and buy dog sweaters.

Jacqueline chimes in with the most ridiculous argument ever: if Danielle says she was such a good friend of mine, why is she doing this to my daughter?

Again, I reiterate. Again. You told Danielle you no longer wanted to be her friend. You turned your back on her. This means that whatever warm and fuzzy feelings she once housed for you are most likely gone. By rights, those feelings should have evaporated. Also, your daughter has a weird and violent fascination with Danielle that no doubt was spurred into existence by your constant barrage of insults against her. This obsession of Ashley's with Danielle was whipped into a frenzy by you and then stirred into a luscious soup of rage with assault. The police came. Ashley was arrested. Charges of assault and harassment were filed.

However, this does not constitute Danielle doing anything to Ashley. Ashley is a menace who has not once apologized for her actions. She is the kind of person who would do this again to Danielle or anyone who ticks her off. What Ashley needs is some good residential psychiatric treatment and a real job. Ashley did something to Danielle; what is now happening to Ashley is called a consequence, not some random thing that Danielle is doing to Ashley.

Caroline is tired of everyone in her family having to battle this lunatic. The rumors she spread about Teresa being up to her eyeballs in debt and having her house foreclosed on makes Caroline mad (Teresa just sat there tight-lipped and livid that Caroline would mention this at the table or anywhere - make it go away! - only God knows whether Teresa let her family in on the bankruptcy/possible criminal charges/IRS issues). She was mean to Caroline's son Christopher (by saying that he was rude to her in a valet line, which seems so minor that the fact that Caroline even brought it up makes me snort in disgust). And she was mean to Dina, which made Dina leave the show (something about Danielle calling Dina's ex and trying to get him to stop paying child support or something).

She is "so driven to hurt every single one of us." Then, Caroline lets loose her inner martyr: "And I have done nothing but try to stay out of this woman's life."

Caroline is determined to lay it all on the line and go have drinks with Danielle in order to put all this fighting to rest. And get Danielle to drop her charges against Ashley. And right away, you know it's going to be a failure - and not because of Danielle.

The problem with this scenario is that Caroline wants Danielle to not only leave her family alone (which Danielle actually seems to be doing), but also drop the charges against Ashley. Caroline is operating on the premise that Danielle will believe that Caroline's decision not to mess in her life means anything. It doesn't, because Caroline has made it clear from the outset that she won't have anything to do with Danielle. Caroline also is under the mistaken impression that Danielle will somehow read from Caroline's attempt to talk with her that Caroline is offering any kind of approbation - or that Danielle actually wants Caroline's approbation.

Caroline is also going to insult the life out of Danielle by saying that what Ashley is guilty of, Danielle has been, too. She is going to ask Danielle to "save" Ashley. And yet Caroline is offering her nothing in return.

This entire scenario is called a negotiation. In order to be successful in a negotiation, you have to have a bargaining chip. Caroline believes her munificent presence is a bargaining chip - but she is offering Danielle nothing that she wants or needs. If Caroline invited her to a party, or suggested they meet for lunch sometimes to show people how civilized they could be for an hour or two at distant intervals, Danielle might have snapped the possibilities right up. But if there is nothing to snap up, Danielle will swim away, stewing in her own juices.

Teresa says that she tried to talk to Danielle at the country club, and Danielle just ran away. 

I despise Teresa. She is despicable. She is a liar. She is a thief. Also, she laid in wait at that country club for Danielle, who was behaving pretty well by Danielle standards (considering she found out that her so-called friend was not her friend during the self-same fashion show) and, when Danielle did not engage her, Teresa dropped a bomb of classlessness. I am no fan of Danielle Staub, but Teresa is at least an equally horrible person.

Teresa - I'm not buying your act, I'm not buying your book, and I'm not buying any of that tacky tat you spent $11 million on to fill up your Big Neighborhood Funeral Home of a House.

Caroline says, well, she may run away from me, but I won't run away from her. She is going to try to make a deal with Danielle, but Ashley better behave going forward. Jacqueline whines that she will talk with Ashley, but she can't control her, which means she doesn't want to control her.

Right there and then, Caroline texts Danielle.

Cut to Danielle. She is eating what appears to be huge tubes of pasta and asparagus, and she seems to have learned her table manners at the same school from which Jacqueline matriculated. She is sitting with her two daughters, and she is surprised. Her older daughter asks Danielle to read the text, and Danielle does - and then she starts that weird thing that she does where she scrutinizes every word for the most ominous meanings possible. "Nonsense" (Caroline would like to put a stop to this nonsense). "I'll tell her when I think it's nonsense!"

The younger daughter starts crying and moaning. She doesn't want Mom to go to this scary-sounding meeting from which no good can come. "What normal person would do that?" Well, there's her mistake. Danielle is not a normal person. She believes that it actually matters that Caroline walk away from this meeting thinking, "Wow, I really misjudged her." Danielle loves, loves, loves that scene in Pretty Woman  in which the Julia Roberts gets to go back into the Rodeo Drive shop and say, "You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Huge!'

The older daughter gets that tense mouth-face that she does when she realizes that her mother is spewing crazy-talk.

"What do we have to talk about?" Danielle muses. "I'm not in fear no more. I was, but now I'm not. The thing is, I don't want anything to do with them...so, I'm going to go."

And here is the part that where I realize that Danielle talks in Saturday morning action cartoon show speak, where there's always a watery line before the commercial that's supposed to be strong. Because she says:

She may be the matriarch of her family, but not of mine. So, here we go - matriarch to matriarch.

The older daughter's eyes slit to the side, and she realizes that this is going to be embarrassing as all get-out, especially when her mother says, "I am going to get the dignity and the respect that I deserve."

Respect is earned, dignity is self-contained. It's not something you can demand as if you're ordering a hamburger at a drive-in speaker.

Cut to Jacqueline and her husband trying to talk some sense into the puffed-out drywall that is Ashley. Ashley gets really excited when she hears that Caroline is going to speak to Danielle, and you can tell that throughout this conversation, she is fantasizing about the blog post or Facebook post or whatever she's going to run do as soon as she can leave the room. Jacqueline tells her that she can't do anything more to Danielle, and Ashley says she hasn't done anything - which is actually not a response to what Jacqueline just said.

Why is the baby sitting there? Who brings babies to conversations like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. You always dress him in red and black biker togs. Whatever.

"She's like herpes; she never goes away," the hatted one says of Danielle, laughing at what she thinks of as her own wit, and no doubt remembering what her doctor told her about herpes.

The stepfather says that Ashley is annoying with her Danielle talk and adds that Caroline may not get off the hook. It's costing him money, with all these legal fees, and Ashley needs to can the crap. But Ashley doesn't think she will get convicted, because she thinks that her fiction about only pulling Danielle's hair because she thought Danielle was hurting her mother will fly. She also has this idea that somehow the court will ignore the obvious evidence of Ashley pulling Danielle's hair because the tape doesn't show her telling Danielle that Ashley was going to kill her.

Ashley wants to know what Aunt Caroline is going to say - because, of course, the more details, the more people will like her Internet post. This will all be so funny, goes Ashley's brain.

Jacqueline says that Danielle will probably want a public apology, and Ashley says, "Well, that;'s not gonna happen." Because it makes so much more sense to hope the judge will ignore the evidence - on camera - of Ashley's assault on Danielle. Because Ashley paying a fine and being found guilty is so much better than saying, it was a confusing situation and I don't know why I did it. I am so sorry.

Ashley rolls her eyes and shows her parents enormous disrespect - which makes sense, since Jacqueline does nothing but talk about Danielle. Jacqueline can't stand that her daughter owes Danielle.

Back at Danielle's, Danielle's pet felon Danny comes in without a coat (he probably pawned it to pay his probation fees). Danielle tells Danny that Caroline texted her. Danielle comes up with an elaborate scheme in which Caroline has planned every incidence of Danielle's discomfort in the last two years. Danny says that yeah, sure, Caroline is the boss, but it's not likely that Caroline planned the country club thing, and Danielle says, "Oh, come on," and Danny caves and does a 180-degree and just starts agreeing with Danielle that Caroline is, in fact, the Godfather.

Danielle really, really likes mafia movies.

"Caroline, you're not Carmelo," Danielle says, puzzling me before she added, "You're not a Soprano."

Oh, Carmela Soprano. The wife.

She tells Caroline to get a life.

And then she brings up a very good point - if you didn't like me, would you ring my doorbell to tell me you didn't want to be around me? Or would you just not hang around me any more? 

And this is a very good point. And the "woman' that Danielle knows, they just don't do that.

But, she's still going for the drink.
  
She embraces her moments of insanity, but Danny gets the idea that it's not a good idea for Danielle to be in a place in which she is vulnerable. Danny, who can't be a bodyguard - no doubt because his parole officer tells him to steer clear - is nonetheless excited about the possibility of drafting an assemblage of goons to accompany Danielle to this restaurant.

Danielle is ranting by now. Caroline, you come and meet me face-to-face and tell me what your problem is with me. Which is kind of the point of the meeting, right?

Caroline's new cop son who got kicked out of law school and her makeup artist daughter who has no makeup on and looks like a big mess meet with Caroline in the kitchen to talk up the meeting. Caroline is going to go get dressed, and we see her getting dressed, checking accessories, and says she is not going to stir the pot.It;s the Big Lead-Up.

Danielle has a quick phone meeting with her energist. She is going to lead with love and drive her message home, which sound like two conflicting goals. She has hired a short, dumpy, white driver and a big, black bodyguard. "Danielle's mafia is in place," she announced, oddly.

We see them driving - Danielle in a rented town car and Caroline in a Range Rover, which must supply Range Rovers to everyone on the show. Danielle for some reason is very concerned about Caroline's red hair, and adds that her "mafia" hurts with guns.

At the Brownstone, the family is meeting in preparation for Caroline's return. They are having bellinis and half red wine-half Coke drinks. Ashley is cleaning her teeth with her tongue. Albert says that Caroline is only going to save Ashley, because, he says, Ashley "lost it," but Danielle premeditated her rudeness by lying to the court about Ashley threatening to kill her (I have to add that if someone was chasing me and pulling my hair, I would completely have it in my head that this person was trying to kill me - I don't believe that Danielle's perception is an unreasonable one). Jacqueline says, yes, her daughter was wrong, but Danielle is - and here she gives a list of stuff that Danielle did more than 20 years ago as an example of why Danielle has no right to judge her daughter. It's so rude, and so tasteless. There are children at the table. It's not in keeping with the correct level of parental horror over what Ashley did. Danielle's past, to Jacqueline, is Ashley's excuse.

Ashley gets mad. She hears it every day. Jacqueline says, no, you don't hear it every day, since most of the time you are living in sin with your boyfriend. Ashley - rightly, I think - gets up and goes to the bathroom. Her mother is surprised that Ashley is upset. She follows her and tries to get her to see that Jacqueline is all perfect and Ashley needs to always be polite to her no matter what word vomit spills out of her mouth.

Ashley's boyfriend, a total suckup to the Italians, agrees that Ashley needs to know her place and be respectful.

Caroline's cannelloni of a daughter goes and makes Ashley come to dinner. 

So far as Caroline's meeting - Danielle has brought her army, but Caroline doesn't give a fiddler's fart. She is nervous - you can tell because she's doing this fast-anxious smiling thing.

Caroline opens with a lot of platitudes about how she wishes life was. Danielle agrees. The Caroline makes her misstep. She says she is "puzzled" about why Danielle feels the need to pursue "this" (meaning the criminal charges) with Ashley. She brings up Danielle's past and says that Danielle could be the person that help Ashley turn her life around. She keeps bringing up Danielle's past, which is really rude and irrelevant to Ashley's current situation, as Danielle's past did not beget Ashely's atrocious behavior.

Danielle is shocked. She can't believe that Caroline would preface a request for her to drop the charges with puzzlement and throwing Danielle's own past back in her face. Danielle says that she is not perfect, and because she was held accountable for her own mistakes, she can embrace them as positive experiences. (This is lost on Caroline). Caroline admits that Ashley was wrong and that her actions were illegal.

"This is not about me or my mistakes," Danielle says. "This is about Ashley."

And she is right! She is so right! I can't even believe how right Danielle is! Who would have known???

Caroline is getting huffy. She can't salvage this, so she is going to turn it into an attack. She tries to sell Danielle the fiction that Ashley thought she was defending her mother, a lie which is made clear by the camera footage - Jacqueline is not even near Danielle.

Caroline says that Danielle needs to tell the truth (read, stand by Ashley), and then Caroline will respect Danielle. Which is such a reckless hand to play, as it is based on the assumption that anyone in the world cares a lick about whether Caroline Manzo respects them.

I actually liked Caroline a little before this episode. But she went from what I thought was a considerably changed version of her formerly bullying little self to a seemingly wiser and more thoughtful person - right back to a little bully. She's getting louder now, because she's mad that for some strange reason, this person is not hearkening to her demands like a waiter at her husband's business.

Danielle says that while it may be a surprise to Caroline, Danielle doesn't need Caroline to validate her. She feels that she has been attacked and insulted and gossiped about (all true).

Caroline says that she wants one example in which she has hurt Danielle. The way Caroline hurt Danielle, of course, was by egging the others on, but the only proof Danielle has of this was Jacqueline's earlier disloyalty to Caroline. Danielle considers playing this card -you can see she's toying with this idea while at the same time trying to come up with some example of Caroline directly bothering her. She can't. But Caroline's family has hurt her. Caroline's friend have. And really, since it was Caroline herself who called this meeting, since it is Caroline herself who is asking for all the favors - it really isn't required of Danielle to come up with anything. Caroline is getting louder and louder. She knows that she lost her persuasive argument, but she is not smart enough to know why, and it makes her mad, like when the dog can't catch his tail. So she turns to her old standard, bullying. She is going to try to browbeat Danielle to do Caroline's bidding, and then she is going to swan back to the Brownstone and tell everyone how that "garbage" kowtowed to her, dammit.

And when Danielle turns it around and says, "What have I ever done to you, Caroline," Caroline spews some nonsense about how Teresa is her, Ashley is her, Dina is her. I have to say here that Caroline can't have it all ways. She can't be the one who never did anything to Danielle but is taking on the hurts of the whole world. She is not neutral. She is not the rescuer. She's just a housewife getting a few things off her chest.

Caroline is right that Danielle attacked the children. But the Manzo/Laurita/Giudice bullied Danielle, and Danielle is a nutjob.

We are no longer talking about Ashley - Caroline is just mad. She's mad about the entourage at the Brownstone. She's going to say some f-words. She's mad about a lot. She's about to break down, but she's working hard to keep it all in.

And Danielle drops her bomb. It's a good one. Caroline has brought up Danielle's unsavory past. Caroline passed judgment on Danielle based on her past, which was more than 20 years ago. And she lassoed everyone she could into her coterie of People Who Judge Danielle.

So Danielle says, "What about all your friends who are under indictment now?"

It's a good one. It's something that Caroline never thought Danielle would have the guts to bring up. She has no response. She gulps. This is true, this is mean, this hurts. If she thought about it, she would apologize to Danielle, say, you know, you just taught me something, and maybe Danielle would give Caroline what she wants. But Caroline has no subtlety, no finesse. Danielle hasn't either, but Danielle has been coached brilliantly for this meeting. Brilliantly. She has been rehearsed and put through questions - nothing catches her off-guard, nothing takes her off her game. Caroline hurts, so she is going to attack.

She tells Danielle that she is a clown, and Danielle says that she can't believe that red-headed Caroline is calling her a clown. Caroline says that Danielle will. not. hurt. her. It's just pathetic. It's stupid. Caroline looks foolish and Danielle looks calm and cool. Caroline is a pushy Fred Flintstone of a woman, yelling for her brontosaurus burger, and the sad thing is that she spent all of her earned currency as the Wise Woman on petulant, bratty Ashley.

Caorline pulls the garbage card - the insult she hurled at Danielle in Season One, and Danielle leaves. Caroline is so proud that Danielle is leaving first, which she looks at as some kind of accomplishment.

Caroline is wrong, of course. Lobbing insults at people and expecting them to sit there and take them is silly. Any normal person would walk away from such a conversation - what did Caroline expect? Did she think that Danielle would burst into tears? Did she think she'd leap across the table and attack her? Did she expect her to sit there a minute longer and listen to Caroline's brain diarrhea flowing out of that hole under her nose?

I am, if you can't tell, completely disgusted by Caroline.

Caroline continues to shoot off her mouth with such bon mots as "enjoy your life," to which Danielle says, "yes, I am," and Caroline seems to think she's hit some kind of target. She is happy that Danielle is walking away from her. Now, I wouldn't be walking; I'd be sprinting. Get this meatball sandwich out of my way, I'm outta here.

In her talking head, Caroline proclaims Danielle to be soulless, heartless, and not worth her time. I have to disagree, and I don't like sticking up for Danielle. Danielle was polite considering the circumstances, she was calm, and she made logical arguments. All in all, she did better than Caroline in this little Manzo-created Showdown. She won, just the way she won against Dina. Because it makes NO SENSE to try to hurt people with meetings in which you tell them that you don't want them in your life. That meeting is about you and you saying what you want to say. It doesn't resolve anything, because you don't care to hear what they have to say - and more to the point, the person you're spewing your rants against doesn't care what you have to say.

Danielle was hoping that Caroline would say something that would ease the sting of the United Attack. If Caroline had said, wow, this kid, what did she do? Tell me how to get through it, or something, she would have won Danielle over. And Caroline could have done it without getting involved in Danielle's life. But, no - Caroline wanted to dictate terms to Danielle, and she just didn't have anything to offer in return.

Which is why this episode was stupid.

The end of the show, and Danielle goes home to her little family and Caroline goes to a restaurant with her big family. Everybody loves everyone in their spearate little hamlets.